The difference of marriage

amylyn930 · 01-03-2008, 11:22 AM

When people get married what usually "changes" and is "different" in the relationship opposed to how things are when you are together for a while? I always hear that once you have the tittle of marriage things are different... so I am wondering what exactly is different?

shes2smart · 01-03-2008, 11:51 AM

What makes it different is the realization that getting out of this is going to be MUCH more involved than just packing up your toys and going home.

To give you a little background, I lived with 3 different bf's without being married to any of them and I have been married for the last 5.5 years.

For me, that means being much more mindful about my words and actions and how those may affect my spouse. Not that I was completely thoughtless with my former bf's I was shackin' up with...but there was always that thought in the back of my head that if I really didn't like where things were going, I could just pack my crap, rent an apartment and be outta there with a quickness.

Other than that, I cannot point to a bunch of specific things and say "that's different...and that's different." But having lived with partners with and without being married, there is a difference. It's like there's a lot more at stake/at risk now, so I'm just more careful and mindful overall.

I heard a saying about commitment that went along these lines:

Breakfast is a day's work for the chicken, but it's a lifetime commitment for the pig.

For me, that kinda describes the difference.

desertsoul · 01-03-2008, 12:48 PM

It kinda depends on the people involved. People go into relationships expecting different levels of commitment, and the same can be said of marriages. Some start the relationship with short-term thinking and have to make some mental and lifestyle adjustments for life-long commitment. Some people fail to make those adjustments and don't really intend to commit. Others go into a relationship hoping and working towards the long-term and don't really have to make as many changes in their lives.

So, it's kind of up to each person to decide how seriously they take marriage and how much they'll have to change their attitude and behavior to allow for that level of commitment.

I personally don't believe that people alter their core personalities (including conflict managment skills and such) just because they went through the wedding ceremony, even if they've fully considered and accepted the enormity of the decision they've made. If there's a major fight, though, I think the difficulty of leaving the relationship is a factor as to how hard the couple will try to make amends. What might push someone to end a non-marriage relationship might be worked through if the couple is married if the extra effort required to fix things is less than the work required to divorce.

In my case, I've had a slight increase in my comfort level with my wife being around other guys and stuff. The bond does feel a little stronger. She was willing to stand up in front of about a hundred people, half of which are important to her in some way, and promise that she will love me and be faithful to me. That's gotta stand for something. However, we lived together for a long while before we got married, so our lives were already pretty well intertwined. Things are mostly the same as they were before.

I haven't really noticed any little things that are different.

RayKay · 01-03-2008, 12:59 PM

I agree with desertsoul that it all depends on the people involved.

Like S2S pointed out, some people may still see living together as having an easy escape hatch, but I have to say, it has never felt that way for me. When I made the decision to move in with my partner, it was knowing that it was because I intended to put my full efforts in, as a lifelong commitment. There are never guarantees - married or not - of course, but I do treat it as a lifelong deal. I have never really understood those whom live with someone, but "hold back" because they aren't married - what is the point then in my eyes?

It all depends on the people involved, and how much they value the relationship, and their bond - whether they are married or not. Some people don't see there being a commitment until you are married, others (like myself) feel quite differently.

I can attest I know couples whom are unmarried whom are "stronger" together and choose together to put the effort in and the commitment in, than many married couples I know whom seem to have a very fragile relationship ONLY held together by the fact they are married.

01-03-2008, 11:22 AM	#1
amylyn930 Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Auburn, Al Gender: Female Posts: 77	The difference of marriage When people get married what usually "changes" and is "different" in the relationship opposed to how things are when you are together for a while? I always hear that once you have the tittle of marriage things are different... so I am wondering what exactly is different?

01-03-2008, 11:51 AM	#2
shes2smart Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: same world, different server Gender: Female Age: 45 Posts: 5,142	What makes it different is the realization that getting out of this is going to be MUCH more involved than just packing up your toys and going home. To give you a little background, I lived with 3 different bf's without being married to any of them and I have been married for the last 5.5 years. For me, that means being much more mindful about my words and actions and how those may affect my spouse. Not that I was completely thoughtless with my former bf's I was shackin' up with...but there was always that thought in the back of my head that if I really didn't like where things were going, I could just pack my crap, rent an apartment and be outta there with a quickness. Other than that, I cannot point to a bunch of specific things and say "that's different...and that's different." But having lived with partners with and without being married, there is a difference. It's like there's a lot more at stake/at risk now, so I'm just more careful and mindful overall. I heard a saying about commitment that went along these lines: Breakfast is a day's work for the chicken, but it's a lifetime commitment for the pig. For me, that kinda describes the difference. __________________ "But there's no use crying over every mistake You just keep on trying til you run out of cake"

01-03-2008, 12:48 PM	#3
desertsoul Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: West Virginia Gender: Male Age: 25 Posts: 125	It kinda depends on the people involved. People go into relationships expecting different levels of commitment, and the same can be said of marriages. Some start the relationship with short-term thinking and have to make some mental and lifestyle adjustments for life-long commitment. Some people fail to make those adjustments and don't really intend to commit. Others go into a relationship hoping and working towards the long-term and don't really have to make as many changes in their lives. So, it's kind of up to each person to decide how seriously they take marriage and how much they'll have to change their attitude and behavior to allow for that level of commitment. I personally don't believe that people alter their core personalities (including conflict managment skills and such) just because they went through the wedding ceremony, even if they've fully considered and accepted the enormity of the decision they've made. If there's a major fight, though, I think the difficulty of leaving the relationship is a factor as to how hard the couple will try to make amends. What might push someone to end a non-marriage relationship might be worked through if the couple is married if the extra effort required to fix things is less than the work required to divorce. In my case, I've had a slight increase in my comfort level with my wife being around other guys and stuff. The bond does feel a little stronger. She was willing to stand up in front of about a hundred people, half of which are important to her in some way, and promise that she will love me and be faithful to me. That's gotta stand for something. However, we lived together for a long while before we got married, so our lives were already pretty well intertwined. Things are mostly the same as they were before. I haven't really noticed any little things that are different. Last edited by desertsoul; 01-03-2008 at 01:03 PM.

01-03-2008, 12:59 PM	#4
RayKay Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Middle of Canada Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 13,270	I agree with desertsoul that it all depends on the people involved. Like S2S pointed out, some people may still see living together as having an easy escape hatch, but I have to say, it has never felt that way for me. When I made the decision to move in with my partner, it was knowing that it was because I intended to put my full efforts in, as a lifelong commitment. There are never guarantees - married or not - of course, but I do treat it as a lifelong deal. I have never really understood those whom live with someone, but "hold back" because they aren't married - what is the point then in my eyes? It all depends on the people involved, and how much they value the relationship, and their bond - whether they are married or not. Some people don't see there being a commitment until you are married, others (like myself) feel quite differently. I can attest I know couples whom are unmarried whom are "stronger" together and choose together to put the effort in and the commitment in, than many married couples I know whom seem to have a very fragile relationship ONLY held together by the fact they are married. __________________ [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]<--- [COLOR=sienna]Carbun the Super-Bunny[/COLOR][/B][/COLOR][/FONT] [B][FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=#556b2f][/COLOR][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]At the end of the day, how you imprinted on someones life and heart is the only true mark any of us leave on this earth and is what we are most proud of... [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- My Biggest Hero and Mentor: My Mum.[/SIZE][/I] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=orange][B]Il faut d'abord durer [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- Ernest Hemingway[/SIZE][/I]