Sister-in-law or slave?

maasikus · 01-02-2008, 01:21 PM

My in-laws were visiting our country for the holidays, and we offered to host them during their visit. The exact words we said were "you are welcome to stay at our place, or get a hotel." We gave them links to great hotel deals, but they chose to stay with us.

We live in a 2 bedroom apartment. The mother-in-law used the guest bedroom. The sister-in-law and her husband slept on a futon in the living room. I was on vacation but had to do a little bit of office work. My husband was on vacation, but fell sick for a few days.

So, I ended up cooking, cleaning and driving them around till my husband recovered. Once my husband recovered, he helped with some of the entertaining. But all this over-working left me a little depressed. (maybe it was obvious to them coz I was not very chatty at times). Sometimes they helped with some chores, but for the most part, I had to do all the work for the guests. Not to mention, the house was full of the stuff they bought from stores!

What annoyed me was that I was using up my vacation to entertain them, while they were jet-setting around the globe on their vacation. All the vacation I got last year was used up during their visit, and I got no chance to relax during MY vacation.

When we went out to eat, they paid twice, but we split the check all other times. Plus we paid for some entertainment tickets, and for all the groceries and gas.

My MIL and SIL were bonding all the time. It is understandable since they were meeting after 1 year, but they made me feel completely left out! They were sitting in the living room, while I was in the kitchen cooking! For Christmas, my MIL got something very nice for her daughter, and something simple for me! But she made no such distinction between her son (my husband) and son-in-law (SIL's husband). And MIL kept repeating about how her daughter needs the rest. Rest from what exactly? She is on long vacation, and is a house wife for rest of the year (no kids) and from what I understand, she doesn't even cook.

The tip of the iceberg was when they made the most insincere goodbyes!! I woke up at odd hour to say goodbye (since they had a red eye flight), despite the fact that I had to go to work the next day. I had to almost do all the hugging and the "have fun". They just said "Thanks for the hospitality" without even a smile!!! No thank you gift (not that I was expecting it) or even a sincere word of thanks. It's just amazing how people take others for granted. Am I wrong in feeling treated badly?

southerngirl · 01-02-2008, 01:30 PM

I dont blame you for feeling like that. Next time that they want to visit maybe it is you that should go to them so that they have to do all the work. I dont know...

That or they really should stay in a hotel so that you arent made to feel so bad!

**BellaDonna** · 01-02-2008, 02:06 PM

What you described does not sound extremely atypical of visitors. If someone stays at your place your life essentially revolves around their food, their entertainment, their comfort, and making space for them. It's what a good host does. It sounds like you were an excellent host.

I'm sure you are glad it's over.

Quote:

you are welcome to stay at our place

If it is something that causes you stress or resentment- next time do not offer to have them stay. You don't always have to be a "yes" person. It's okay to say "no". You can do so tactfully, maybe next time say: "Since our apartment is so small and cramped, we looked up some hotels with good rates for you, we really look forward to spending some time togther. These are the nights we would be available to pick you up for dinner"

If I were in your shoes, and saying the above did not get the message across, you could always say that your landlord has planned some renovations for the time they are in town. (It's a lie, but IMO if it preserves your sanity, and their feelings, then it is worth it) I recently had to resort to this when a relative who has a history of heavy drinking came to my state, and asked to use one of my vehicles while they were here. The vehicle was re-located to our friend's garage and we told the relative it was at a mechanic's shop, being repaired.

thyroxine · 01-02-2008, 02:13 PM

This pretty much sounds like any visitor I've ever had. As for the weak thank yous....it could have been because they were catching the red-eye flight. I can see a lot of reasons for their behavior (such as nice gift for the daughter...it's her daughter she's trying to bond with!) but most of it comes down to being guests. I know I go crazy when I'm a guest in someone's house and am always trying to help out, but save for one exception, every guest I have hasn't helped, I've had to transport them around, etc.

Just think: At least it's over now!

3boys · 01-03-2008, 11:05 AM

I would probably be peeved as well. Whenever I'm a guest in someone's house, I always at least offer to help. Most of the time we have company, they also offer to help. When my MIL comes to visit, she just starts cleaning, even if I tell her not to and I always make a point of thanking her. Next time they come, I agree with just booking them a hotel room.

01-02-2008, 01:21 PM	#1
maasikus Offline Member Join Date: May 2004 Gender: None Specified Posts: 146	Sister-in-law or slave? My in-laws were visiting our country for the holidays, and we offered to host them during their visit. The exact words we said were "you are welcome to stay at our place, or get a hotel." We gave them links to great hotel deals, but they chose to stay with us. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment. The mother-in-law used the guest bedroom. The sister-in-law and her husband slept on a futon in the living room. I was on vacation but had to do a little bit of office work. My husband was on vacation, but fell sick for a few days. So, I ended up cooking, cleaning and driving them around till my husband recovered. Once my husband recovered, he helped with some of the entertaining. But all this over-working left me a little depressed. (maybe it was obvious to them coz I was not very chatty at times). Sometimes they helped with some chores, but for the most part, I had to do all the work for the guests. Not to mention, the house was full of the stuff they bought from stores! What annoyed me was that I was using up my vacation to entertain them, while they were jet-setting around the globe on their vacation. All the vacation I got last year was used up during their visit, and I got no chance to relax during MY vacation. When we went out to eat, they paid twice, but we split the check all other times. Plus we paid for some entertainment tickets, and for all the groceries and gas. My MIL and SIL were bonding all the time. It is understandable since they were meeting after 1 year, but they made me feel completely left out! They were sitting in the living room, while I was in the kitchen cooking! For Christmas, my MIL got something very nice for her daughter, and something simple for me! But she made no such distinction between her son (my husband) and son-in-law (SIL's husband). And MIL kept repeating about how her daughter needs the rest. Rest from what exactly? She is on long vacation, and is a house wife for rest of the year (no kids) and from what I understand, she doesn't even cook. The tip of the iceberg was when they made the most insincere goodbyes!! I woke up at odd hour to say goodbye (since they had a red eye flight), despite the fact that I had to go to work the next day. I had to almost do all the hugging and the "have fun". They just said "Thanks for the hospitality" without even a smile!!! No thank you gift (not that I was expecting it) or even a sincere word of thanks. It's just amazing how people take others for granted. Am I wrong in feeling treated badly? Last edited by maasikus; 01-02-2008 at 01:28 PM.

01-02-2008, 01:30 PM	#2
southerngirl Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: NW Georgia Gender: Female Posts: 3,032	I dont blame you for feeling like that. Next time that they want to visit maybe it is you that should go to them so that they have to do all the work. I dont know... That or they really should stay in a hotel so that you arent made to feel so bad! __________________ A wise man learns by the mistakes of others, a fool by his own. Latin Proverb

01-02-2008, 02:13 PM	#4
thyroxine Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: New Mexico Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 231	This pretty much sounds like any visitor I've ever had. As for the weak thank yous....it could have been because they were catching the red-eye flight. I can see a lot of reasons for their behavior (such as nice gift for the daughter...it's her daughter she's trying to bond with!) but most of it comes down to being guests. I know I go crazy when I'm a guest in someone's house and am always trying to help out, but save for one exception, every guest I have hasn't helped, I've had to transport them around, etc. Just think: At least it's over now! __________________ "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." -- Matt Groening, "Life in Hell"

01-03-2008, 11:05 AM	#5
3boys Offline Silver Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 316	I would probably be peeved as well. Whenever I'm a guest in someone's house, I always at least offer to help. Most of the time we have company, they also offer to help. When my MIL comes to visit, she just starts cleaning, even if I tell her not to and I always make a point of thanking her. Next time they come, I agree with just booking them a hotel room.