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Didn't answer his calls, now what?


roxy79

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I've post a few times since my breakup. BF broke up with me about 2 weeks ago...going on week 3. We hadn't really talked much until xmas. Then we started talking and texting each other and it actually felt normal and I felt good. We did speak the day after xmas and I broke down and got upset on the phone. We did sort of end the conversation on a good note, I had told him all the things that had happened within the past two weeks that he didn't know about (getting a new job, starting school. etc).

 

He called me 4 times Thursday night and 2 times Friday. His last voicemail was very irritating because he kinda gave me an ulimadium. He said "well this is my last time trying to call you before I leave for my trip. if you dont call in the next hr, then I guess I'll talk to you when I get back." I still didnt' return his call cause I know it would be the same ol BS, me getting upset and him getting mad.

 

My question: I haven't heard from him since. I know he is out camping, and there is a possibility he does not have any service where he is. Though it's hard for me to believe that he'd go an entire week without checking his phone and/or email. (he works constantly). Which is why I'm leaning to believe he's ignoring me. I did send him a text saying I attempted to call but it went straight to voicemail.

 

Just trying to get people's thoughts. I am mailing a box of his stuff off today. I was originally going to wait for him to send my stuff, but I'd rather be done with it sooner than later. I tend to feel bad after I talk with him, which is why I didn't answer his calls. It's almost like too much damage has been done and everything he says, adds to the wounds. I think we have reached a "point of no return." Which is why I'm wondering if I should ever talk to him again.

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I tend to feel bad after I talk with him, which is why I didn't answer his calls.

 

This is one of those reasons why NC is a good idea after a breakup. Why talk to him when you know that it's just going to make you feel worse afterward? As hard as it sometimes seems, you should try to get your mind off what he's doing or thinking, and really start to focus on yourself. I don't think her deserves anymore of your time right now.

 

Sure, there is the chance that you may never talk to him again, but at this point you definitely don't want to talk to him. You are both still hurting from the break up and will need more time to heal. Just give it more time.

 

As for his stuff well, if it bothers you too much to hold onto it while you wait for your stuff, I'd just go ahead and send it. I think getting your stuff back at this point isn't as important as just getting that time alone to yourselves. Somewhere down the road of NC (i'm not sure when if you haven't gotten your stuff back, try calling him again or maybe send him an email if you don't want to talk to him directly, and let him know you'd like to have your things back.

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But will I end up looking like the jerk if I don't answer his calls? He's manipulative and he'll somehow find a way to turn it around on me and say "well I tried calling you a million times but you didn't answer...." Eventhough I don't want to talk to him for the reason that I feel bad about myself afterwards. I'm convinced he'll still figure out a way to blame me for my own good intentions.

 

If he continues to contact me, should I send him an email saying exactly why I'm not contacting him, and inform him that I need more time. I want to be fair and civil about the situation. And I do feel, if he continues that I should at least tell him WHY I have been ignoring him. That's seems like the "right" and adult thing to do....

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It does seem like the adult thing to do, but it's definitely not cool for him to play games with you and make YOU feel bad in anyway. You're right to say that he's manipulative if he makes you feel badly, and I think you are the victim and not the 'jerk' if he expects you to answer your calls when you clearly don't want to talk to him. Don't worry, you don't look like a jerk. You're broken up, and he shouldn't be calling you (or vice versa).

 

By calling him back/answering his calls, you end up giving him the upper hand. So I say don't do any of those things, and delete his voicemails before you listen to them. The less you hear him, the less you'll feel bad. Don't give him the chance to blame you for anything!

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Sounds like you are a very smart girl and giving yourself (and him) some breathing room.

 

He'll call again...

 

In the meantime figure out what you want - is it him? is it him but you feel things need to change?

 

Decide what is best for you and then when he comes round again you'll be equiped to handle it!

 

Best Wishes!

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I really think the relationship is "too far gone" to even try to rebuild. He has done and said so many hurtful things, that I dont think I am capable of forgetting or forgiving. I just feel it will be easier to move on, if I don't talk to him. He really should have no reason to call me anyhow. He's the one who ended things. I'm convinced once I mail off his box of stuff today, I'll breathe a little easier. He is suppose to return from his trip Frida and I'm just going to do my best to not be around or be available so I won't even have to wonder or worry if he's going to call.

 

I just really don't want to look like the "bad" guy. And I know what it feels like to have someone ignore your calls. But maybe when he comes home to a box of his stuff, he'll realize I'm taking the breakup seriously and I'm moving on.

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I am a little puzzled - if you don't return his calls how can he be ignoring you? Sending a text like that doesn't really mean a response. It just seems like you are trying to manipulate him into constantly calling you.

 

I think you need to decide what you want from this guy and tell him that if he can't provide it you will neither accept calls from him or call him.

 

But ignoring calls and expecting him to keep calling will not serve you.

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Hey roxy

 

You won't look like the bad guy for ignoring contact from him. You are doing this to protect yourself - from him making you feel worse again.

 

At the end of the day, he ended things with you. He doesn't get a say in how you are best going to deal with this.

 

You will hear from him again - that is for sure, but you need to ignore him if you truly want this over and done with. He will likely be cross and angry at you when you don't respond so be prepared for a bit of fall out in that department.

 

Take care of yourself darling.

 

Mark

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I was puzzled by his continued calls Thursday night and Friday. It was my decision to not answer the calls at the time cause I didn't feel like getting upset or even discussing ANYTHING with him at the time. I figured if whatever it was was sooooooooo important to him, that he TOLD me to call him back within the hour, then I figure, he would have attempted to get ahold of me since then, which is hasn't.

 

I did try calling him back yesterday, but it went straight to vm. Which is why I sent him the text saying I had tried to call. I felt a little bad that I hadn't returned his call (in the timely manner that he requested), so I attempted to reach him... with no luck obviously.

 

I am by no means trying to maniuplate him into constantly calling me. I find it odd, that when I would call him and he wouldn't answer, he'd get upset with me for calling so much, yet he turns around and does the same exact then. Part of me also thinks that he might be able to jump back into and out of my life, whenever he pleases, because he knows how much I love him. In short, I want to be strong about this. I don't want to be weak. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to show him that I don't need his BS anymore and that I'm not going to put up with it.

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Ignoring calls for whatever reason is always going to annoy people and it always looks manipulative even if you didn't mean it that way. Perception is reality for people. And just as you are now assuming he is ignoring you to annoy you he probably thought the same thing.

 

If you didn't want to talk to him you could have sent a text saying "I don't want to talk right now as I need time to think - I will call you in a couple of days" or something similar. That way he knows what is happening.

 

You can't communicate properly by not communicating.

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I guess I'm having a hard time dropping everything for him, when he's the one who does not want to be in a relationship with me. He sure as heck didn't drop anything for ME when he broke up with me and I tried calling him and he didn't return MY calls. Why do I owe him anything? Why do I have to still continue to do things on HIS terms? That's what it always has been and honestly, he needs a reality check that, guess what, I don't owe him a call. I don't owe him an answering of his call. When we were together, yes, that was something that I wanted to do and would do. But now that we are not "together" who is to say that I NEED to communicate anything with him?

 

He does not know what I have going on in my life now, so why, especially after such a demanding voicemail, would I STOP my life, to apease him?

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You shouldn't.

 

But how is making him annoyed going to get him to call you?

 

i think you need to decide what you want from this guy and tell him what it is. If he can't give it to you then tell him you won't talk to him at all. But what you are doing now serves neither of you. Frankly it just looks petty rather than dignified.

 

Reduce things to essentials. Don't complicate them by enforced telephone tag.

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He knows exactly what I want (or wanted). I wanted to be with him, yet that didn't matter to him, cause he is still holding strong with his decision of breaking up with me. I'm confused on how me not returning his calls, looks petty. Im trying to be strong and move on. I did the "right" then to do and I did return his calls, yet his phone was off. So inpart, I did make the effort. It has been his decision to not return or attempt to call me since then. Yes there a million, what if's (phone died, no service etc), but I'm a firm believer in "finding a way."

 

What do you mean reduce to essentials? I am doing my best to get over him, which in effect, by not talking to him is helping. I am mailing al of his things to his house today. I don't want to have an excuses for reasons to contact him. He broke my heart and now I'm trying to mend it.

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Maybe I'm not being clear or maybe my jumbled responses are due to the fact that I have numerous emotions jib-jabbing thru my brain. What is troubling me, is it was so imperative that he talk to me, when it was convient for him. I was not available at the time, yet I feel he is holding the fact that I was not able to take or return his calls in the time frame that he requested against me (and punishing me in sorts).

 

And I'm bothered by the fact, since he gave me a "time frame" to return his call, that if it was so dang important, why hasn't he attempted to get ahold of me since. I'm okay with him not calling, but I'm confused why he hasn't called. (only because of the control I feel he think he has over me). There was a time when he didn't even know what my voicemail sounded like because I would always answer!

 

Maybe I want to have the power? Maybe it's because I want him to keep calling and feel the rejection that I felt when he broke up with me? I guess I'm confused. I don't like being under some elses control and I don't like being told what to do. And that is how I felt with his last message. Yet I'm baffled by the fact that he hasn't attempted to get ahold of me since.

Am I completely insane?

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Hey roxy

 

I think you are doing the right thing here. He does know that he doesn't want to be with you so you must stay strong in your resolve and do not contact him in any way shape or form. Mail his stuff back and then carry on walking forward.

 

It doesn't really matter how you are perceived by him, does it? He doesn't want you - so what should you care what he thinks? You shouldn't. And don't feel bad at ignoring his calls - so long as you just ignore them - don't get into any kind of conversation with him if he does call - he is the one that wants out.

 

I can't see that you are being manipulative in ignoring him - so long as it is truly to get over him and not in the hope that it will make him miss you.

 

Mark

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Hi again roxy

 

You don't like being under his control - and I understand this. Don't get into the old "I want him to feel what I did" - be bigger than this. Stopping contact with him will allow you to take some control back - to decide where you are going with your life.

 

Mark

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True. I do not want to play the game of "well now you know how it feels." I'm not that sort of person. But I do want it known that he no longer gets to call the shots. He pushed me away, now I need to do what is best for me. And if ignoring his calls makes me feel better and makes me feel stronger, whether it is a selfish move or not, I truly believe I need to do it. I really don't think there is anything we could say to each other that would be "happy" at this point. It all seems negative and I don't want any part of that, any more. I've felt like scum for the past few months because of him, and I want to rid myself of it.

 

Maybe it seems childish, but I want the upper hand. I want to be in control and I want to say what's best for me.

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Maybe I want to have the power? Maybe it's because I want him to keep calling and feel the rejection that I felt when he broke up with me? I guess I'm confused. I don't like being under some elses control and I don't like being told what to do. And that is how I felt with his last message. Yet I'm baffled by the fact that he hasn't attempted to get ahold of me since.

Am I completely insane?

No, you are not insane. And it is understandable that you want him to feel the pain that you felt.

 

But this isn't working for you - look at what you are going through now. All you are accomplishing is prolonging your pain. Don't you think it would be more wise to simply tell him that you are moving on and want no contact with him at all.

 

What he is feeling doesn't matter to your long term happiness. You need to concentrate on getting past this and over him and what you are doing won't help you do that.

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Hey roxy

 

I got LOTS of confusing texts from my ex - I love you - I want to be with you - I miss you. They really did my head in and in the end, I asked her not to contact me any more. She couldn't even respect that. This is because they want you there as their safety net - it massages their egos that you still hang abour waiting.

 

That is why I don't think it matters if you tell him you don't want contact or not - I doubt he will respect it - he will get angry that you are moving on.

 

I don't believe I am jaded - I still think i am the same old loveable a-hole I have always been, but there comes a time where you have to do things to help you along, and the ex can lump it or like it!

 

Mark

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Roxy, everything you are feeling is natural to feel.. but it's time to separate your "feelings" from the "facts" here... you "feel" as if he's holding it against you that you didn't return his call in the "time frame" of an hour.. but the FACT is that shouldn't make any difference if the man knows how to love a woman in an authentic and mature respectful way.

 

It was all about HIS ego, HIS need in the moment to provoke you so he could get a "fix" that he still has some "power' over you.. but even if you "feel" as if he does have that power, the "fact" is he does NOT..

 

If a guy is calling you and you're going around in circles and are left feeling "less" after you speak to him.. well then why talk to him at all?

 

Right now take a deep breath, gather up all your self respect and know that YOU are choosing to no longer be in contact with HIM.. not the other way around.. he's on his camping trip and whether he sees your message or email or not it shouldn't matter because IF this he knew how to authentically cherish a woman he would not put "conditions" on when she can contact him and if not then it's his "last time calling".. ugh... power plays, ego in control for him.. it's not about "love".. it's just not.

 

After all YOU are interested in finding and nurturing an authentic respectful love in your life.. and this guy has SHOWN you that he is NOT capable of it.

 

Remember that unless a guy is intentionally making a respectful clear effort to cherish you there is then NO reason to be in contact with him.

 

He's immature, so don't choose to join him in this "pattern" don't play any part in it for another second.

 

Take care of YOU... he is no longer worthy of your precious heart.

 

Because it's become clear to you that it's not about cherishing YOUR heart, it's all about HIS ego. So again, do NOT choose to play a part in HIS unhealthy pattern.

 

Define yourself. If he does contact you again, then clearly, calmly let him know that he may only contact you IF he is intentionally wanting to make an effort to work on being an exclusive couple, if not, then you hope he can respect that you need to get busy with your own life, to heal, move on, grow and learn from all this and you wish him the best...

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Thank you. All well said. And very helpful. I just got back from mailing his box of stuff. If he does call me when he returns from him trip, I will be prepared to let him know what I need. Blender gave me some good advice and I just need to respect myself and know my own self worth. If I feel that talking to him is just going to beat and bring me down, then I shouldn't put myself through that. And considering he's 33, he should know how to respect a lady. And I really don't feel he respects me... if he did, I don't think I'd feel so crummy about myself everytime we finish talking.

 

Most importantly, I believe I need space and time now. Before that's what HE needed. We I need it now too. The more we are apart and the more we don't talk, the more I realize what he has done to me, and I'm not okay with that. I used to be a strong independent woman, a parrothead for cryin' out loud, and somehow, he has managed to break me down to fur balls on the carpet. I want to find my happiness and smile again. Maybe once that happens, then I'll be ready to talk.

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