Bad situation with my son. (Long)

TexanMan · 12-31-2007, 03:55 AM

It's been more than a year since I've posted, but I'll might try to remain more active and help others instead of just seeking help in my own personal problems.

My family and I moved to a small Texas community about a year and a half ago. My wife and I have personally have had a diffucult time fitting in with the community and we're actually thinking about moving soon. My daughters are making lots of friends, my son, who is in High School, has had a very diffucult time making friends, and I hate to say it, but it's mainly his fault.
The community my family and I are residing in is much more liberal than our last community, and my son is a conservative Christian, something I'm proud of, but he often puts it off the wrong way.
But anyway, on to the situation...
There has been another student that my son has conflicted with ever since we moved here. According to the teachers that have them in the same class. Usually the provocation is split between this student and my son, so I wouldn't say my son is being bullied. My son though, has told me that this student swears at him constantly when they argue. My wife talked to the mother of this student and it went well. I did not want anyone to be punished, but I did want the arguing between my son and this student to stop, and as a father I was concerned because my son constantly talked about this student. It ended after a while.

That all happened last year.

My house was also egged last year. I thought it was one of my students, but I could never find anything.
Fast forward to October. The school year starts again, and about two weeks into the school year my son is coming to my wife and I again with complaints about this student. This time I called the teachers, and most of them actually said it was my son who was starting the verbal jousting most of the time. The day I grounded my son for a week for his disruptions, a girl told me that this student said he was the one who egged our house. My wife and I were obviously very angry, and we planned on talking to this student. He told my son he did not even know that our house got egged, and there was no visible proof. I ended up deciding not to talk to him for some odd reason.
That all happened in October.

Until about a week or so ago, the arguements died down, and my son didn't complain about this student for a long time. Last week, the day before Christmas break, a heated arguement flared, and the student got out of his seat during the middle of class and challenged my son to fight him, according to the English teacher. My son is 5'6, 115 lbs, and the other student is around 6'4 I would guess, and is mesomorphically built, so you can imagine the outcome of the fight.
The teacher also said that it was my son again who had provoked the situation, and the assistant principal told me after a conversation with this student that the student said he had enough of my son and wanted to end it and felt this was the only way to do it.
That happened last Thursday.

Needless to say I was infuriated with both my son and the other student. My son knows better than to act that way, and it is very inappropriate for this student, who has called my son various profanities already, to challenge him to a fight, and do what he did to him. My son was taken to the hospital and recieved stiches to his eye. I was planning on seriously talking to this kid, but he has been out of town. I also punished my son severely. He is not permitted
to use the computer, go out with what few friends he has, and we are not letting him go on the church ski trip.

This student got home today, and I was wondering if it's a good idea to confront him? About everything. The house egging, swearing at my son, and fighting him.

ernurse75 · 12-31-2007, 06:14 AM

I live in a small TX community as well. My daughter has had a lot of problems with it because she came from a city where kids hit the streets to this town, where things are much more conservative. So our situations aren't really all that different.

Can we switch towns? Kidding. I really think you should let your son and this student work this out. It sounds as if he is growing up. The way people speak to each other many times outweigh the words that are spoken. maybe your son is afraid of losing his conservative boundries? This student sounds very angry with your son. I am sure he is using the profanity as a way to offend and break that conservative shell. Coming from a more liberal background I used to be very frightened and angry when I felt that I was being judged by those from a more conservative upbringing. As I have aged a little, I have learned to embrace and respect the beliefs of others. It takes a lot of time and some people get angry all of their lives.

high school is so tough. This may be a chance for both your son and this other student to learn lessons about tests of faith and respecting the differences that they probably have. He can learn to be a strong young man and act from the kindness of God without the judgement attached.

Good luck.

NO1GR8r · 12-31-2007, 09:57 AM

As parents, we forget sometimes what it was like to "get in where we fit in..."
You said: "My son knows better than to act that way, My son was taken to the hospital and recieved stiches to his eye. I also punished my son severely..."What we teach them and what they apply in THIER TIME, are two different things...I am sure that no TEXT BOOK Child rearing class will modify what nature has in store for our children. All we can do is show them love and demonstrate ways to handle various types of conflict. Even when they are in the rebellious stage of life. I taught my sons how to play chess and poker...why those two games.? Think about the objectives and goals of each. Position and manipulation of your opponent. Call their bluff and make them make the first move in opposition of themselves, not you. And I gave them the books "The Art of War", The Art of Peace" and "The Art of Worldy Wisdom" and talked about HOW and WHEN to apply the knowledge that they receive from any adult, experience or book and WHY.

Talk to your son. Tell him stories of how you lost fights and what your dad did about it. Take him to a gym and put some gloves on him - untrained with a trained fighter and let him get the crap (controllably) beat out of him - and then ask him was he ready for that? Extreme? Defiantely. Effective? Yes. He will learn that he can't win all of the time and that he must give respect to get it, or the streets will not be so forgiving. I did it with my oldest and the younger siblings live vicariously through him.

And most importantly...pray with your son...let him lead you in prayer and teach him to be a leader. And remember that the life lessons we pass down to our children will manifest in Their time, not Ours.

Good luck

jenny_mcs · 12-31-2007, 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TexanMan

This student got home today, and I was wondering if it's a good idea to confront him? About everything. The house egging, swearing at my son, and fighting him.

No, I think it' an awful idea. I'm assuming this kid is a minor. If you have issues with his behavior- talk to his parents. Any punishment/correction will have to come from them.

If the other boy's parents are reasonable, maybe you guys can talk about the situation, and then bring the 2 boys into the conversation. Tell the 2 boys that in the future they need to ignore each other- no more swearing by the other boy, no more provocation by your son.

Metallica Lightning · 12-31-2007, 12:00 PM

I read your other thread, (With all do respect) and if your son is still calling out people on their sexuality and apppearences, then I think he deserves to be manhandled. Hopefully it will teach him to eventually accept people for who they are, and if not that, teach him to keep his mouth shut so he won't get tossed around. I'm not sure about the situation this time, but if getting his nose and finger broken wasn't enough, then your son may have a real problem. What do your son and this student fight about?

What I would do, is meet with this kid and his parents, take your wife and son, and sort things out. So yes, talking to him would be a good idea.
Keep in mind though, that your son agreed to this fight, and he also provoked it. When talking to this student and his parents, be tactful, not angry. Ask this student why he has such a problem with your son, and brainstorm with him and his family about how it can be resolved.

Kane.

TexanMan · 12-31-2007, 03:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Metallica Lightning

I read your other thread, (With all do respect) and if your son is still calling out people on their sexuality and apppearences, then I think he deserves to be manhandled. Hopefully it will teach him to eventually accept people for who they are, and if not that, teach him to keep his mouth shut so he won't get tossed around. I'm not sure about the situation this time, but if getting his nose and finger broken wasn't enough, then your son may have a real problem. What do your son and this student fight about?

What I would do, is meet with this kid and his parents, take your wife and son, and sort things out. So yes, talking to him would be a good idea.
Keep in mind though, that your son agreed to this fight, and he also provoked it. When talking to this student and his parents, be tactful, not angry. Ask this student why he has such a problem with your son, and brainstorm with him and his family about how it can be resolved.

Kane.

First off, no one deserves to be beaten for upholding the Bible.
My son is just trying to bring a Godly prescence into this community, and he is being abused for it.
On your second paragraph, I did just that and I just got home from a talk with this kid and his parents. Again, the student denied egging my house, and his parents refused to even think that he did such a thing. I'm still convinced it's him.
We all talked about the issue between my son and this student, and it's usually arguements about religon, morals, and human rights. I tried to tell this student that the Bible was the correct path to follow, and he told me that my words were falling upon def ears.
Nothing hostile happened, the student was very calm even when my wife, nearly crying, accused him of being a bully and a predator.
In the end we all agreed that my son and this student would not speak to eachother again, and if there was another arguement, there would be punishment from both ends. I also told the student that if there was ever another physical altercation between him and my son that I would look in to filing charges.

Metallica Lightning · 12-31-2007, 11:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TexanMan

First off, no one deserves to be beaten for upholding the Bible.

I'm not much of a bible reader, but in the bible I believe God says that judgement will come from him. Your son is doing anything but upholding the bible it sounds like to me, especially if he is starting these arguements as the teachers have said. The other student is no angel and it was indeed inappropriate of him to challenge your son, but can you really blame him for being fed up? I know I would.

Quote:

My son is just trying to bring a Godly prescence into this community, and he is being abused for it.
On your second paragraph, I did just that and I just got home from a talk with this kid and his parents. Again, the student denied egging my house, and his parents refused to even think that he did such a thing. I'm still convinced it's him.
We all talked about the issue between my son and this student, and it's usually arguements about religon, morals, and human rights. I tried to tell this student that the Bible was the correct path to follow, and he told me that my words were falling upon def ears.
Nothing hostile happened, the student was very calm even when my wife, nearly crying, accused him of being a bully and a predator.
In the end we all agreed that my son and this student would not speak to eachother again, and if there was another arguement, there would be punishment from both ends. I also told the student that if there was ever another physical altercation between him and my son that I would look in to filing charges.

It's good that you handeled it in a mature way. Your wife calling this student a bully and a predator sounds pretty biased to be honest. Your son accepted the fight and even provoked it, so it wouldn't seem pretty ridiculous if you pressed charges. If your son is attacked without consent though, you can sue for assault.

ernurse75 · 01-01-2008, 02:41 AM

I would like to add that a good teacher has patience and kindness with his/her students. Teachers love and accept. Teachers welcome questions and challenges. Jesus did didn't he? I don't believe he walked the streets looking for those to condemn. People are very turned off by condemnation. It is no way to get a point across. I don't think it sounds like your son should be this other student's teacher. That student doesn't need the "Godly presence known" from another student. He needs to seek it himself or be found by way of loving kindness.

I hope you can talk with your son about the feelings of anger that he is feeling. If he is judging others, it will only hurt his heart. It is not his place. I believe the teachings of the bible are beautiful and pure. But I have seen people point fingers when they had no right. I hope that is not happening.

Metallica Lightning · 01-01-2008, 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mythical_Suicide

I just want to say, there is a difference between 'upholding the Bible' and shoving religion in people's face and judging people for who they are. What your son did was wrong, and to be completely honest if I was the other kid I probably would have done the same thing to your son if he had done the same to me. Your son isn't being "abused" I dont think he is as innocent as you are making him out to be. Both were involved, both need to be handled accordingly. I may get bashed for this, But I understand trying to do a good thing but this is exactly why most schools don't allow religious debates, etc.. Because not everyone has the same beliefs and it can become dirty. Everyone thinks their religion is "right", noone can agree to disagree and move on.

I completely agree.
If your son was upholding the bible, he would be accepting people for who they are and let his character reflect his upholding of the bible. It's christians like your son who give christians a bad name, and your son shoving the bible in this student's face is probobly pushing him further away from christianity.

I know you may not like the sound of this since we all interpret the bible differently, but I advise you to look at the bible from another standpoint instead of viewing it as a rulebook.

TexanMan · 01-02-2008, 09:12 PM

I never said my son was innocent. He is being punished for starting this whole mess. I'm not going to just come down on my son though, this student deserves to be punished for acting un-Godly, egging my house, and for verbally and physically abusing my son. I don't understand why everyone seems to favor someone who doesn't attend church, listens to awful, immoral "Metal" music, and challenges people to fight him over a good Christian boy who is just trying to do the right thing.

The Bible says that Christians are obligated to go out and witness. That was the original objective of my son. Yes, he didn't handle it in the most tactful way, but this student is angry with my son for trying to show him the correct path, and THAT is something to be angry about in itself. Especially when it ends in a physical altercation.

12-31-2007, 03:55 AM	#1
TexanMan Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 4	Bad situation with my son. (Long) It's been more than a year since I've posted, but I'll might try to remain more active and help others instead of just seeking help in my own personal problems. My family and I moved to a small Texas community about a year and a half ago. My wife and I have personally have had a diffucult time fitting in with the community and we're actually thinking about moving soon. My daughters are making lots of friends, my son, who is in High School, has had a very diffucult time making friends, and I hate to say it, but it's mainly his fault. The community my family and I are residing in is much more liberal than our last community, and my son is a conservative Christian, something I'm proud of, but he often puts it off the wrong way. But anyway, on to the situation... There has been another student that my son has conflicted with ever since we moved here. According to the teachers that have them in the same class. Usually the provocation is split between this student and my son, so I wouldn't say my son is being bullied. My son though, has told me that this student swears at him constantly when they argue. My wife talked to the mother of this student and it went well. I did not want anyone to be punished, but I did want the arguing between my son and this student to stop, and as a father I was concerned because my son constantly talked about this student. It ended after a while. That all happened last year. My house was also egged last year. I thought it was one of my students, but I could never find anything. Fast forward to October. The school year starts again, and about two weeks into the school year my son is coming to my wife and I again with complaints about this student. This time I called the teachers, and most of them actually said it was my son who was starting the verbal jousting most of the time. The day I grounded my son for a week for his disruptions, a girl told me that this student said he was the one who egged our house. My wife and I were obviously very angry, and we planned on talking to this student. He told my son he did not even know that our house got egged, and there was no visible proof. I ended up deciding not to talk to him for some odd reason. That all happened in October. Until about a week or so ago, the arguements died down, and my son didn't complain about this student for a long time. Last week, the day before Christmas break, a heated arguement flared, and the student got out of his seat during the middle of class and challenged my son to fight him, according to the English teacher. My son is 5'6, 115 lbs, and the other student is around 6'4 I would guess, and is mesomorphically built, so you can imagine the outcome of the fight. The teacher also said that it was my son again who had provoked the situation, and the assistant principal told me after a conversation with this student that the student said he had enough of my son and wanted to end it and felt this was the only way to do it. That happened last Thursday. Needless to say I was infuriated with both my son and the other student. My son knows better than to act that way, and it is very inappropriate for this student, who has called my son various profanities already, to challenge him to a fight, and do what he did to him. My son was taken to the hospital and recieved stiches to his eye. I was planning on seriously talking to this kid, but he has been out of town. I also punished my son severely. He is not permitted to use the computer, go out with what few friends he has, and we are not letting him go on the church ski trip. This student got home today, and I was wondering if it's a good idea to confront him? About everything. The house egging, swearing at my son, and fighting him.

12-31-2007, 09:57 AM	#3
NO1GR8r Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: philadelphia Gender: Male Posts: 113	What they know and what we teach them... As parents, we forget sometimes what it was like to "get in where we fit in..." You said: *"My son knows better than to act that way, My son was taken to the hospital and recieved stiches to his eye. I also punished my son severely..."What we teach them and what they apply in THIER TIME, are two different things...I am sure that no TEXT BOOK Child rearing class will modify what nature has in store for our children. All we can do is show them love and demonstrate ways to handle various types of conflict. Even when they are in the rebellious stage of life. I taught my sons how to play chess and poker...why those two games.? Think about the objectives and goals of each. Position and manipulation of your opponent. Call their bluff and make them make the first move in opposition of themselves, not you. And I gave them the books "The Art of War", The Art of Peace" and "The Art of Worldy Wisdom" and talked about HOW and WHEN to apply the knowledge that they receive from any adult, experience or book and WHY. Talk to your son. Tell him stories of how you lost fights and what your dad did about it. Take him to a gym and put some gloves on him - untrained with a trained fighter and let him get the crap (controllably) beat out of him - and then ask him was he ready for that? Extreme? Defiantely. Effective? Yes. He will learn that he can't win all of the time and that he must give respect to get it, or the streets will not be so forgiving. I did it with my oldest and the younger siblings live vicariously through him. And most importantly...pray with your son...let him lead you in prayer and teach him to be a leader. And remember that the life lessons we pass down to our children will manifest in Their time, not Ours. Good luck __________________ "it takes time to bring about a new day, patience to wait for it, respect to appreciate it and courage to let it go." k/d/morris Last edited by NO1GR8r; 12-31-2007 at 10:06 AM.*

01-02-2008, 09:12 PM	#10
TexanMan Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 4	I can't believe you people! I never said my son was innocent. He is being punished for starting this whole mess. I'm not going to just come down on my son though, this student deserves to be punished for acting un-Godly, egging my house, and for verbally and physically abusing my son. I don't understand why everyone seems to favor someone who doesn't attend church, listens to awful, immoral "Metal" music, and challenges people to fight him over a good Christian boy who is just trying to do the right thing. The Bible says that Christians are obligated to go out and witness. That was the original objective of my son. Yes, he didn't handle it in the most tactful way, but this student is angry with my son for trying to show him the correct path, and THAT is something to be angry about in itself. Especially when it ends in a physical altercation.

12-31-2007, 06:14 AM	#2
ernurse75 Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: TX desert Gender: Female Posts: 25	I live in a small TX community as well. My daughter has had a lot of problems with it because she came from a city where kids hit the streets to this town, where things are much more conservative. So our situations aren't really all that different. Can we switch towns? Kidding. I really think you should let your son and this student work this out. It sounds as if he is growing up. The way people speak to each other many times outweigh the words that are spoken. maybe your son is afraid of losing his conservative boundries? This student sounds very angry with your son. I am sure he is using the profanity as a way to offend and break that conservative shell. Coming from a more liberal background I used to be very frightened and angry when I felt that I was being judged by those from a more conservative upbringing. As I have aged a little, I have learned to embrace and respect the beliefs of others. It takes a lot of time and some people get angry all of their lives. high school is so tough. This may be a chance for both your son and this other student to learn lessons about tests of faith and respecting the differences that they probably have. He can learn to be a strong young man and act from the kindness of God without the judgement attached. Good luck.

12-31-2007, 12:00 PM	#5
Metallica Lightning Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: New Hampshire Gender: Male Age: 45 Posts: 86	I read your other thread, (With all do respect) and if your son is still calling out people on their sexuality and apppearences, then I think he deserves to be manhandled. Hopefully it will teach him to eventually accept people for who they are, and if not that, teach him to keep his mouth shut so he won't get tossed around. I'm not sure about the situation this time, but if getting his nose and finger broken wasn't enough, then your son may have a real problem. What do your son and this student fight about? What I would do, is meet with this kid and his parents, take your wife and son, and sort things out. So yes, talking to him would be a good idea. Keep in mind though, that your son agreed to this fight, and he also provoked it. When talking to this student and his parents, be tactful, not angry. Ask this student why he has such a problem with your son, and brainstorm with him and his family about how it can be resolved. Kane.

01-01-2008, 02:41 AM	#8
ernurse75 Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: TX desert Gender: Female Posts: 25	I would like to add that a good teacher has patience and kindness with his/her students. Teachers love and accept. Teachers welcome questions and challenges. Jesus did didn't he? I don't believe he walked the streets looking for those to condemn. People are very turned off by condemnation. It is no way to get a point across. I don't think it sounds like your son should be this other student's teacher. That student doesn't need the "Godly presence known" from another student. He needs to seek it himself or be found by way of loving kindness. I hope you can talk with your son about the feelings of anger that he is feeling. If he is judging others, it will only hurt his heart. It is not his place. I believe the teachings of the bible are beautiful and pure. But I have seen people point fingers when they had no right. I hope that is not happening.