PASSION: Keeping it alive for a lifetime

tiredofvampires · 12-29-2007, 04:44 AM

I almost put this in the "Sex and Romance" forum, and wish I could have it cross-linked there. But I suppose passion could relate to any aspect of the relationship that perpetuates a feeling of mutual desire, sex being only a part of that.

I was speaking to a friend on this topic, and wanted to get everyone's opinions on this. I would especially love to hear from all the posters who have been married for a number of years or are in long-term relationships that are stable.

I would really like to know how many people feel that at a certain point of "comfort" and familiarity in an LTR, the passion dies (which is clearly a very common phenomenon), or undergoes a dramatic change of some kind over time, usually for the worse. The longest relationship I have had is 4 1/2 years, so I am wondering how those with longer relationships would describe the evolution of their passion over the years.

How common is "the fires dying down", and do you folks think it's inevitable? Or can it even increase over time?

And finally, what do you do to keep the passion alive in your LTR?

It might help also if you stated how many years you have been together, though of course that isn't mandatory.

(My own experience is that those whom I was really in love with at the start, the passion remained strong with and I could imagine it continuing that way, and in fact it even got more free as the person got more dear to me. But I don't know if I was with someone long enough for it to plummet!)

So even if you aren't in an LTR currently, please feel free to respond with your experiences.

Thank you ahead for all replies.

St00f · 12-29-2007, 05:37 AM

Cheat!

Just kidding.

The longest relationship I've been in was about 3 years, I guess she caused a lot of drama so It wasn't really repetitive and she was pretty unstable so she changed a lot depending on who her friends were I think I felt the same as when I met her except I started to question her love for me until I found out she actually did cheat then it was over for good.

Dako · 12-29-2007, 08:38 AM

I've noticed something among my friends over the years.

In the beginning, their woman is described as perfect, hot, amazing or built like a...well you know. In time, this perfect woman changes into an irritant, with petty complaints, weight gain and an evil mother.
I know this is just infatuation fading.

I've noticed a step after infatuation that gets little notice here. When the novelty of new love wears off, something deeper can take over. It lacks the urgency of up-all-night romps or the need to appear perfect to your partner, but it lasts longer and regenerates itself year by year. I guess it's just love without the hoopla, warts and all.

The guys in happy LTRs use a phrase I find quite important:
"She's a damn good woman."
That phrase seems based upon the findings of living with somone longterm, and finding contentment.

I think if we can look at our partner with unwavering respect and love, the rest will follow. Seing them as a collection of past shared acheivements, joys and sorrows can strengthen that bond and add to the meaning of a sweaty roll in the hay.

But then, what do I know?

JadedStar · 12-29-2007, 09:42 AM

I second what Dako said above.

I have been in both situations. My first marriage the infatuation died out, the passion ws GONE....just a couple years into the marriage....the second time we are still sustaining the passion pretty heavily and the big difference IMO is all about the person's attitude.

I was so complacent and never went out of my way the first time. Not much chemistry therefore there was nothing that really made me want to push beyond my comfort zone. We fell into a routine that lasted for years. This time if i feel complacency creeping around the corner i will do something drastic to stop it dead in its tracks...i won't go into specifics on that as it could get graphic but sometimes it involves elevators or mirrors, ROFL....

But that is really the key....BOTH parties in the relationship MUST keep going that extra mile if complacency starts to creep up. If they don't and even if just one slips into that mode passion is going to be destroyed.

StretchGee · 12-29-2007, 11:45 AM

Been married almost 10 years, but now the passion and intimacy is pretty much a shadow. It was not so much a dying down as an utter shift. The trouble now is not so much passion, and rekindling it, but a lack of desire to even do so.

JS: complacency is the killer. I’m not sure what to do about complacency when personality changes and reality make your mate appear more like a roommate. I’m not sure how to rekindle passion when the prospect of passion with your mate is as appealing as being passionate with your sister.

Paradoxically, commitment remains in my marriage. So I am willing to see if it is possible to get through rough patches and find some bliss down the road. Perhaps a spell of ‘[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]’ is found in every LTR.

JadedStar · 12-29-2007, 11:54 AM

JS: complacency is the killer. I’m not sure what to do about complacency when personality changes and reality make your mate appear more like a roommate. I’m not sure how to rekindle passion when the prospect of passion with your mate is as appealing as being passionate with your sister.

If you look at your wife and do not feel attraction then I am not sure how you will rekindle the passion. It would seem attraction would have to be there.

However, with my ex husband i felt like this too but there was a time where he made a better effort with his appearance and such and attraction did come back for awhile, so if you could somehow suggest to your wife to glam it up a little for you and you two paint the town red that might really help. Make a date night at least once a week.

I personally believe that when we stop "dating" our spouses the marriage is headed for doomsville. When me and my husband go out on a "date" he normally will tell the waiter "we're on our first date, how am i doing" and the waiter will laugh and say i think you're doing great! And then for fun i might throw in "i think he is going to get lucky tonight". It's really fun to play with people like that because they really think we are on a first date. LOL

Batya33 · 12-29-2007, 12:01 PM

I agree that it is important to make a conscious effort to keep passion alive - and to know what the triggers are - whether graphic, fun, etc. I think it also helps when both people are into that re-sparking stuff because that also is a mutual "turn on."

A very religious person once said to me, about marriage, that if you wake up in the morning and can't stand the sight of your spouse, that is the time to make him his favorite breakfast even if you have absolutely no desire to. I have a feeling she actually was referring to food and not sex but it is a pretty good analogy.

What I have seen is where the passion is red hot in the very beginning it dies down just as quickly and just as fast. Not in every case, but in many.

Also I think people have varying definitions of passion - some limit it to sexual chemistry, some limit it to the sight of the person invoking desire, etc.

Tethys · 12-29-2007, 05:16 PM

I am interested in this as well. How does one keep attraction and "passion" going after 20, 30 years? Can it happen? Or does one simply resign his or herself?

Though, I do like Batya's analogy with the breakfast. But, that sounds more like keeping the love alive, even if the passion isn't there.

JadedStar · 12-29-2007, 05:24 PM

Someone here mentioned creativity and that is absolutely a necessary component. People who are bland and not very creative will suffer complacency and a lackluster love life quicker than there more adventurous and creative counterparts.

With me and my husband i am the creative one, he is the adventurous one...the two of these characteristics, thus far, have worked to our advantage.....as for 20 or 30 years from now i can't say. We might not even be alive that long from now lol

Tethys · 12-29-2007, 05:30 PM

I suppose I am being optimistic about my life span then, lol. My grandmother is now 90 yrs old.

12-29-2007, 04:44 AM	#1
tiredofvampires Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: In this world but not of it Gender: Female Age: 41 Posts: 3,814	PASSION: Keeping it alive for a lifetime I almost put this in the "Sex and Romance" forum, and wish I could have it cross-linked there. But I suppose passion could relate to any aspect of the relationship that perpetuates a feeling of mutual desire, sex being only a part of that. I was speaking to a friend on this topic, and wanted to get everyone's opinions on this. I would especially love to hear from all the posters who have been married for a number of years or are in long-term relationships that are stable. I would really like to know how many people feel that at a certain point of "comfort" and familiarity in an LTR, the passion dies (which is clearly a very common phenomenon), or undergoes a dramatic change of some kind over time, usually for the worse. The longest relationship I have had is 4 1/2 years, so I am wondering how those with longer relationships would describe the evolution of their passion over the years. How common is "the fires dying down", and do you folks think it's inevitable? Or can it even increase over time? And finally, what do you do to keep the passion alive in your LTR? It might help also if you stated how many years you have been together, though of course that isn't mandatory. (My own experience is that those whom I was really in love with at the start, the passion remained strong with and I could imagine it continuing that way, and in fact it even got more free as the person got more dear to me. But I don't know if I was with someone long enough for it to plummet!) So even if you aren't in an LTR currently, please feel free to respond with your experiences. Thank you ahead for all replies. __________________ "Story is mightier than gun." ~bumper sticker What's supposed to happen, IS happening. Love is its own reward. "What is to give light must endure burning." ***** AMOR VINCIT OMNIA Last edited by tiredofvampires; 12-29-2007 at 04:54 AM.

12-29-2007, 05:37 AM	#2
St00f Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Gender: Male Posts: 78	Cheat! Just kidding. The longest relationship I've been in was about 3 years, I guess she caused a lot of drama so It wasn't really repetitive and she was pretty unstable so she changed a lot depending on who her friends were I think I felt the same as when I met her except I started to question her love for me until I found out she actually did cheat then it was over for good. __________________ When people argue with someone they love they often don't see clearly and can over react. Complete strangers are the best people to take advice from, since they do not have more feelings toward either person, and do not have sides to pick. As long as they understand both sides. Last edited by St00f; 12-29-2007 at 05:40 AM.

12-29-2007, 08:38 AM	#3
Dako Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Gender: None Specified Posts: 9,115	I've noticed something among my friends over the years. In the beginning, their woman is described as perfect, hot, amazing or built like a...well you know. In time, this perfect woman changes into an irritant, with petty complaints, weight gain and an evil mother. I know this is just infatuation fading. I've noticed a step after infatuation that gets little notice here. When the novelty of new love wears off, something deeper can take over. It lacks the urgency of up-all-night romps or the need to appear perfect to your partner, but it lasts longer and regenerates itself year by year. I guess it's just love without the hoopla, warts and all. The guys in happy LTRs use a phrase I find quite important: "She's a damn good woman." That phrase seems based upon the findings of living with somone longterm, and finding contentment. I think if we can look at our partner with unwavering respect and love, the rest will follow. Seing them as a collection of past shared acheivements, joys and sorrows can strengthen that bond and add to the meaning of a sweaty roll in the hay. But then, what do I know? Last edited by Dako; 12-29-2007 at 08:54 AM.

12-29-2007, 11:54 AM	#6
JadedStar Offline Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: On a star far, far away... Posts: 16,345	JS: complacency is the killer. I’m not sure what to do about complacency when personality changes and reality make your mate appear more like a roommate. I’m not sure how to rekindle passion when the prospect of passion with your mate is as appealing as being passionate with your sister. If you look at your wife and do not feel attraction then I am not sure how you will rekindle the passion. It would seem attraction would have to be there. However, with my ex husband i felt like this too but there was a time where he made a better effort with his appearance and such and attraction did come back for awhile, so if you could somehow suggest to your wife to glam it up a little for you and you two paint the town red that might really help. Make a date night at least once a week. I personally believe that when we stop "dating" our spouses the marriage is headed for doomsville. When me and my husband go out on a "date" he normally will tell the waiter "we're on our first date, how am i doing" and the waiter will laugh and say i think you're doing great! And then for fun i might throw in "i think he is going to get lucky tonight". It's really fun to play with people like that because they really think we are on a first date. LOL Last edited by JadedStar; 12-29-2007 at 12:07 PM.

12-29-2007, 09:42 AM	#4
JadedStar Offline Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: On a star far, far away... Posts: 16,345	I second what Dako said above. I have been in both situations. My first marriage the infatuation died out, the passion ws GONE....just a couple years into the marriage....the second time we are still sustaining the passion pretty heavily and the big difference IMO is all about the person's attitude. I was so complacent and never went out of my way the first time. Not much chemistry therefore there was nothing that really made me want to push beyond my comfort zone. We fell into a routine that lasted for years. This time if i feel complacency creeping around the corner i will do something drastic to stop it dead in its tracks...i won't go into specifics on that as it could get graphic but sometimes it involves elevators or mirrors, ROFL.... But that is really the key....BOTH parties in the relationship MUST keep going that extra mile if complacency starts to creep up. If they don't and even if just one slips into that mode passion is going to be destroyed.

12-29-2007, 11:45 AM	#5
StretchGee Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: USA Gender: Male Age: 44 Posts: 681	Been married almost 10 years, but now the passion and intimacy is pretty much a shadow. It was not so much a dying down as an utter shift. The trouble now is not so much passion, and rekindling it, but a lack of desire to even do so. JS: complacency is the killer. I’m not sure what to do about complacency when personality changes and reality make your mate appear more like a roommate. I’m not sure how to rekindle passion when the prospect of passion with your mate is as appealing as being passionate with your sister. Paradoxically, commitment remains in my marriage. So I am willing to see if it is possible to get through rough patches and find some bliss down the road. Perhaps a spell of ‘[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]’ is found in every LTR.

12-29-2007, 12:01 PM	#7
Batya33 Online Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 19,072	I agree that it is important to make a conscious effort to keep passion alive - and to know what the triggers are - whether graphic, fun, etc. I think it also helps when both people are into that re-sparking stuff because that also is a mutual "turn on." A very religious person once said to me, about marriage, that if you wake up in the morning and can't stand the sight of your spouse, that is the time to make him his favorite breakfast even if you have absolutely no desire to. I have a feeling she actually was referring to food and not sex but it is a pretty good analogy. What I have seen is where the passion is red hot in the very beginning it dies down just as quickly and just as fast. Not in every case, but in many. Also I think people have varying definitions of passion - some limit it to sexual chemistry, some limit it to the sight of the person invoking desire, etc.

12-29-2007, 05:16 PM	#8
Tethys Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Golden State Posts: 2,165	I am interested in this as well. How does one keep attraction and "passion" going after 20, 30 years? Can it happen? Or does one simply resign his or herself? Though, I do like Batya's analogy with the breakfast. But, that sounds more like keeping the love alive, even if the passion isn't there.

12-29-2007, 05:24 PM	#9
JadedStar Offline Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: On a star far, far away... Posts: 16,345	Someone here mentioned creativity and that is absolutely a necessary component. People who are bland and not very creative will suffer complacency and a lackluster love life quicker than there more adventurous and creative counterparts. With me and my husband i am the creative one, he is the adventurous one...the two of these characteristics, thus far, have worked to our advantage.....as for 20 or 30 years from now i can't say. We might not even be alive that long from now lol

12-29-2007, 05:30 PM	#10
Tethys Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Golden State Posts: 2,165	I suppose I am being optimistic about my life span then, lol. My grandmother is now 90 yrs old.