Fear is the opposite of love, right?

Suesser Tod · 12-28-2007, 01:19 AM

Well, basically I broke up with my ex on Nov 12.

A lot of drama went on after that as I tried to get her back, then I backed off. Had no contact for like two weeks, although we were on good terms, but I saw her last 24th to give her an Xmas present and then we watched a movie at her place last 26th.

During this time we told each other what went wrong, we apologized, and basically acknowledged our mistakes.

But last 26th, she accepted she still loves me and that the only thing that keeps us apart is the fact that she is afraid that things would be the same if we got back together.

WOW!

I don't know if anything can be done about that.

I know that talking won't work, and that talk is cheap. But I've been to therapy, I've been doing a lot of work to improve myself and I know that some parts of me that she hated will still be there, but others will go away as I work out my own problems.

I know the only possible way to work it out is to show her that things can, and would, be different. Right?

That's the tough part. I've ran out of "date" excuses. In early December we had an awfull date in the movies, really crappy. So she doesn't want to go to the movies with me again, and we got to watch that video because it was something we had agreed to a long time ago (for several reasons we weren't able to watch it when it was on the theatres).

Do you think there is a way to work this out? If you do, or if you don't, why and how?

renaissancewoman101 · 12-28-2007, 01:29 AM

If you act on your fears, she'll be able to tell that and will run.

Give her her space and let her come to you.

When she comes to you, or if she accepts your invitation to hang out, show her the NEW you, the person that is confident, brave, able to do things on his own, and don't need her, etc.

Women like confidence in a guy.

Unlike other people, I'm NOT telling you to give up on her, just rethink your strategy, regroup, and see what happens.

St00f · 12-28-2007, 05:21 AM

Well I guess it is up to you, Obviously to stay with her things you like about your relationship have to be greater than what you dislike.

For example if you can handle the drama because you are that interested in her then try it again. If you think you could find someone who make you happier with less drama, then you probably can. Why did you guy's break up anyways?

Hope this helps

Suesser Tod · 12-28-2007, 12:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by St00f

Well I guess it is up to you, Obviously to stay with her things you like about your relationship have to be greater than what you dislike.

For example if you can handle the drama because you are that interested in her then try it again. If you think you could find someone who make you happier with less drama, then you probably can. Why did you guy's break up anyways?

Hope this helps

"The fight" that got us to breaking up was about lack of commitment. But that was not the real issue. The real underlying issue was lack of communication.

Basically she hadn't told me how she really felt about a lot of things and resented a lot of them. I was able to get over the "fight", but she wasn't, because she wasn't hurt s much by the fight, but by all the little things she kept silent.

Then, last week, she realized that there was no way for me to know that I had done something wrong if she never told me, and that she never gave us a chance to improve by keeping all that to herself.

She apologized for that.

I realized what the real issue was as I was trying to get her back, and I forgive her, I have no resentments. She says she also forgave me, and has no objection to getting back together except that she is afraid that things would be the same.

Suesser Tod · 12-28-2007, 12:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by renaissancewoman101

If you act on your fears, she'll be able to tell that and will run.

Give her her space and let her come to you.

When she comes to you, or if she accepts your invitation to hang out, show her the NEW you, the person that is confident, brave, able to do things on his own, and don't need her, etc.

Women like confidence in a guy.

Unlike other people, I'm NOT telling you to give up on her, just rethink your strategy, regroup, and see what happens.

I've given her space, that's how she got to apologize and realize that she had also been responsible for the breakup.

The problem is that her fear, not mine, controls her. She won't come back to me because of her fears. I thought she was keeping distance out of pure stubborness, but I was wrong, it was because of fear.

So what can I do? Give her more space? I know that whenever I get to hang out with her again I have to show her "the new me" (nothing new, just a bit shapen up, improved and controlled).

Little Blue Ant · 12-28-2007, 02:26 PM

double post, sorry!

Little Blue Ant · 12-28-2007, 02:27 PM

Fear is an acronym in my book.

F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real.

Don't let it ruin a possibility. People are always plagued by "what ifs", and if you sit and worry about things that aren't true, then you're not preparing for success.

You say talk is cheap, but thats BS. You said it yourself, things can worked out through communication. So communicate!!!! Open up! Let everything out. Tell her to tell you things she was always afraid to tell you. And as a listener, don't judge her feelings. She has a right, as do you, to feel what ever she's feeling - with or without guilt, thats up to the individual. If you can tell her that you're not afraid to hear what EVER she's afraid of, and you do the same, then work on a fresh start. Don't dwell on the past, because there's nothing you can do about it - only move forward. And while she's talking to you, JUST LISTEN. Don't agree, don't disagree, don't comment, JUST LISTEN.

good luck

12-28-2007, 01:19 AM	#1
Suesser Tod Offline Gold Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Deep in the darkness Age: 30 Posts: 573	Fear is the opposite of love, right? Well, basically I broke up with my ex on Nov 12. A lot of drama went on after that as I tried to get her back, then I backed off. Had no contact for like two weeks, although we were on good terms, but I saw her last 24th to give her an Xmas present and then we watched a movie at her place last 26th. During this time we told each other what went wrong, we apologized, and basically acknowledged our mistakes. But last 26th, she accepted she still loves me and that the only thing that keeps us apart is the fact that she is afraid that things would be the same if we got back together. WOW! I don't know if anything can be done about that. I know that talking won't work, and that talk is cheap. But I've been to therapy, I've been doing a lot of work to improve myself and I know that some parts of me that she hated will still be there, but others will go away as I work out my own problems. I know the only possible way to work it out is to show her that things can, and would, be different. Right? That's the tough part. I've ran out of "date" excuses. In early December we had an awfull date in the movies, really crappy. So she doesn't want to go to the movies with me again, and we got to watch that video because it was something we had agreed to a long time ago (for several reasons we weren't able to watch it when it was on the theatres). Do you think there is a way to work this out? If you do, or if you don't, why and how?

12-28-2007, 05:21 AM	#3
St00f Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Gender: Male Posts: 78	Well I guess it is up to you, Obviously to stay with her things you like about your relationship have to be greater than what you dislike. For example if you can handle the drama because you are that interested in her then try it again. If you think you could find someone who make you happier with less drama, then you probably can. Why did you guy's break up anyways? Hope this helps __________________ When people argue with someone they love they often don't see clearly and can over react. Complete strangers are the best people to take advice from, since they do not have more feelings toward either person, and do not have sides to pick. As long as they understand both sides.

12-28-2007, 02:26 PM	#6
Little Blue Ant Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: On a Blade of Grass Gender: Male Age: 29 Posts: 142	double post, sorry! Last edited by Little Blue Ant; 12-28-2007 at 02:27 PM. Reason: oops, double post

12-28-2007, 01:29 AM	#2
renaissancewoman101 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: the land by the sea Gender: Female Age: 36 Posts: 8,563	If you act on your fears, she'll be able to tell that and will run. Give her her space and let her come to you. When she comes to you, or if she accepts your invitation to hang out, show her the NEW you, the person that is confident, brave, able to do things on his own, and don't need her, etc. Women like confidence in a guy. Unlike other people, I'm NOT telling you to give up on her, just rethink your strategy, regroup, and see what happens.

12-28-2007, 02:27 PM	#7
Little Blue Ant Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: On a Blade of Grass Gender: Male Age: 29 Posts: 142	Fear is an acronym in my book. F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real. Don't let it ruin a possibility. People are always plagued by "what ifs", and if you sit and worry about things that aren't true, then you're not preparing for success. You say talk is cheap, but thats BS. You said it yourself, things can worked out through communication. So communicate!!!! Open up! Let everything out. Tell her to tell you things she was always afraid to tell you. And as a listener, don't judge her feelings. She has a right, as do you, to feel what ever she's feeling - with or without guilt, thats up to the individual. If you can tell her that you're not afraid to hear what EVER she's afraid of, and you do the same, then work on a fresh start. Don't dwell on the past, because there's nothing you can do about it - only move forward. And while she's talking to you, JUST LISTEN. Don't agree, don't disagree, don't comment, JUST LISTEN. good luck