Male Midlife Crisis in Late 30's

trident · 12-18-2007, 12:28 PM

So I'm a 38 year old unmarried guy. No relationship at the moment & not really looking for one. I have a career that I like, own a home, get along well with my family and have activities that fill out most of my days. And yet, I'm miserable. It seems to be more than a generic depression.

This feeling of general dissatisfaction with my life is overwhelming. I don't know what I want out of life, I don't know what my goals are, I don't know how to envision myself 10 years from now. I'm realizing that just having a woman in my life will just cover up the problem, not fix it. I'm irritiable as all hell. Even though I like my career, I hate going to work & have little motivation. After much thought, I can't even find anything that makes truely makes me happy. I'm just moving thru life.

After browsing the internet, I realize these are symptoms of the classic "male mid-life crisis". So how does one deal with this?

I'd like to hear from MEN that have been thru this phase of life. How did you struggle thru this mess and what worked for you. The insight would be helpful as I try to find my own way.

lukeb · 12-18-2007, 01:13 PM

I think your main problem is what we all are. We are thinkers, we think about everything. Your problem seems to be you are a negative thinker. You have all these positive things in your life, job, home family etc.., but still you think negatively about your general outlook on life.

It is not an easy fix but it is fixable. I would do some research online for now, google "self talk", get informed.

Gath · 12-18-2007, 01:24 PM

yep, mdlife crisis.

time to find a speedy little sports car. although i reccomend against an affair as its always "cheaper to keep her" when it comes to the wife.

I think you should go on a vacation with your wife, dump the kids off at grandpa's, and get reaquainted with your favorite parts of life.

lukeb · 12-18-2007, 01:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gath

I think you should go on a vacation with your wife, dump the kids off at grandpa's, and get reaquainted with your favorite parts of life.

He said he wasn't in a relationship or looking for one.

If a speedy sportscar, a vacation is what he wants, and he can afford it, by all means go for it. Treat yourself, but I doubt if that would change his general outlook on life. He should think about thinking negatively as a bad habit like smoking and he needs to quit.

Clementine orange · 12-18-2007, 01:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lukeb

He said he wasn't in a relationship or looking for one.

If a speedy sportscar, a vacation is what he wants, and he can afford it, by all means go for it. Treat yourself, but I doubt if that would change his general outlook on life. He should think about thinking negatively as a bad habit like smoking and he needs to quit.

This is true. No material thing is going to fill this void. He is "soul sick".

trident · 12-18-2007, 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lukeb

Your problem seems to be you are a negative thinker.

If you're simplifying this as "negative thinking" then you clearly don't understand what I'm talking about nor have you been there yourself.

trident · 12-18-2007, 02:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gath

I think you should go on a vacation ....

No wife. Besides this isn't a "we" issue. It's a "me" issue. Which is why I said a relationship would more likely mask this mood rather than ameliorate it.

shes2smart · 12-18-2007, 02:23 PM

Well...from what I've observed...most of my friends around my age (male and female) went through some life-reorganization as they got up to their 40th birthday.

My ex-college bf went from working in a psychology/social work field to selling insurance and got married.

I left a job I'd been in for 20 years and moved across the state for a different job (same field) and seriously considered switching career fields. I also got married just after my 38th birthday.

Another friend left the broadcast biz and went to law school. He also got divorced.

And on and on it goes.

One of the challenges as we go into the second half of our lives is to find ways to keep things interesting. Have you considered seeking out the services of a counselor to help you sort this out? Perhaps a Life Coach or Career Coach would be a better choice than a traditional therapist-type for your situation.

After I moved here, I sought out a Career Coach to help me evaluate whether I wanted to stay in this line of work or find something else to do. Those sessions started off being about work, but ended up being all-encompassing and uncovering some interests I had but never thought of pursuing because I didn't want to work in those areas. Like -- I have a huge interest in cooking/food prep/catering-type things, but I don't want to work in that field. So, I found a place that offers a variety of one-shot cooking classes that are more affordable and make more sense for me (at this point in my life) than going to culinary school.

Seems to me that after a certain point in life, there's very little that is truly "new." It's up to us as individuals to seek out the experiences and people that keep our lives interesting and keep us into it. We cannot continue to plod along the same path we have for the first couple decades of our adult life and expect it to be any different.

lukeb · 12-18-2007, 02:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by trident

If you're simplifying this as "negative thinking" then you clearly don't understand what I'm talking about nor have you been there yourself.

Well ofcourse I don't know you that well, I can only go by what you have given us. But your above statement would be one exampe of negative thinking. Rather than having an open mind and seeing what this negative thought process is all about you are dismissing it outright. You really don't know me but you have already drawn the conclusion I have never been there and clearly don't know what I am talking about. Two negative thoughts almost instantly without barely giving it a thought, you have had so much practice, you have gotten very good at it.

Maybe try another approach, think about a time back before this mid life crisis, what was so different? Why was it that you were not struggling then but you are now. What are you doing so differently?

Jeffrey2095 · 12-18-2007, 03:06 PM

Hi trident,

And yes, it sounds like you have hit mid-life doldrums.

Maybe what you need are some new hobbies, you know, do some of those things you just never got around to.

Oil painting, guitar, ceramics, there must be a thousand fulfilling things you haven't done.

I went back to school at age 37... that was ten years ago.

Now, in the last 5 years I have been a novelist, and am hoping to be published in the next couple years.

Until then, each finished book is an achievment I couldn't see doing ten years ago...

Jeff

12-18-2007, 12:28 PM	#1
trident Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 67	Male Midlife Crisis in Late 30's So I'm a 38 year old unmarried guy. No relationship at the moment & not really looking for one. I have a career that I like, own a home, get along well with my family and have activities that fill out most of my days. And yet, I'm miserable. It seems to be more than a generic depression. This feeling of general dissatisfaction with my life is overwhelming. I don't know what I want out of life, I don't know what my goals are, I don't know how to envision myself 10 years from now. I'm realizing that just having a woman in my life will just cover up the problem, not fix it. I'm irritiable as all hell. Even though I like my career, I hate going to work & have little motivation. After much thought, I can't even find anything that makes truely makes me happy. I'm just moving thru life. After browsing the internet, I realize these are symptoms of the classic "male mid-life crisis". So how does one deal with this? I'd like to hear from MEN that have been thru this phase of life. How did you struggle thru this mess and what worked for you. The insight would be helpful as I try to find my own way.

12-18-2007, 01:24 PM	#3
Gath Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Niagara Falls Gender: Male Age: 29 Posts: 621	yep, mdlife crisis. time to find a speedy little sports car. although i reccomend against an affair as its always "cheaper to keep her" when it comes to the wife. I think you should go on a vacation with your wife, dump the kids off at grandpa's, and get reaquainted with your favorite parts of life. __________________ You can be more.

12-18-2007, 02:23 PM	#8
shes2smart Online Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: same world, different server Gender: Female Age: 45 Posts: 5,140	Well...from what I've observed...most of my friends around my age (male and female) went through some life-reorganization as they got up to their 40th birthday. My ex-college bf went from working in a psychology/social work field to selling insurance and got married. I left a job I'd been in for 20 years and moved across the state for a different job (same field) and seriously considered switching career fields. I also got married just after my 38th birthday. Another friend left the broadcast biz and went to law school. He also got divorced. And on and on it goes. One of the challenges as we go into the second half of our lives is to find ways to keep things interesting. Have you considered seeking out the services of a counselor to help you sort this out? Perhaps a Life Coach or Career Coach would be a better choice than a traditional therapist-type for your situation. After I moved here, I sought out a Career Coach to help me evaluate whether I wanted to stay in this line of work or find something else to do. Those sessions started off being about work, but ended up being all-encompassing and uncovering some interests I had but never thought of pursuing because I didn't want to work in those areas. Like -- I have a huge interest in cooking/food prep/catering-type things, but I don't want to work in that field. So, I found a place that offers a variety of one-shot cooking classes that are more affordable and make more sense for me (at this point in my life) than going to culinary school. Seems to me that after a certain point in life, there's very little that is truly "new." It's up to us as individuals to seek out the experiences and people that keep our lives interesting and keep us into it. We cannot continue to plod along the same path we have for the first couple decades of our adult life and expect it to be any different. __________________ "But there's no use crying over every mistake You just keep on trying til you run out of cake"

12-18-2007, 01:13 PM	#2
lukeb Offline Gold Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Alberta, Canada Gender: Male Age: 44 Posts: 704	I think your main problem is what we all are. We are thinkers, we think about everything. Your problem seems to be you are a negative thinker. You have all these positive things in your life, job, home family etc.., but still you think negatively about your general outlook on life. It is not an easy fix but it is fixable. I would do some research online for now, google "self talk", get informed.

12-18-2007, 03:06 PM	#10
Jeffrey2095 Offline Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 783	Hi trident, And yes, it sounds like you have hit mid-life doldrums. Maybe what you need are some new hobbies, you know, do some of those things you just never got around to. Oil painting, guitar, ceramics, there must be a thousand fulfilling things you haven't done. I went back to school at age 37... that was ten years ago. Now, in the last 5 years I have been a novelist, and am hoping to be published in the next couple years. Until then, each finished book is an achievment I couldn't see doing ten years ago... Jeff