Girlfriend called me a racist

SonicYouth · 12-12-2007, 08:27 PM

About an hour ago my girlfriend called me a racist. I was telling her about a dream I had (the content of which is irrelevant) and she said something like "maybe it has something to do with your latent racism". I naturally asked her what she meant and if she thought I was racist. She shrugged her shoulders and basically said yes with her silence.

I naturally got really upset that someone would accuse me of being a racist, especially someone so close to me (we've been together for 2 1/2 years).

I am NOT racist. Sometimes (not that often) I'll use some racial humor amongst friends, and I do realize that it would be offensive to some people, so I don't use it in mixed company. Just on a rare occasion amongst close friends. It's how we've joked since high school. We are not racist.

She later explained that what she meant was that she was referring to the "kernel of racism" in everyone, and could not see how this would be deeply hurtful to me. I feel like of everyone I know she should see past the sometimes caustic humor to the fact that I am a loving, accepting person.

She told me I overreacted by becoming incredibly offended, since she didn't mean me personally. I was deeply offended because I saw it as a direct attack on my character. I see it as the most offensive thing you could possibly say to a person...and it hurt especially to think that my girlfriend saw me as hate filled.

We've mostly made up now, but it still hurts a little bit, even if she tried to explain it away. Did I overreact by being extremely offended?

Entropy Smith · 12-12-2007, 08:38 PM

Perhaps the extreme reaction is because there is some truth to it...everyones racist more or less in some way...if you tell racist jokes the perception of you is going to be that your racist. Its alittle different when you are around your close friends and you are free to say whatever you want though...

havefaith · 12-12-2007, 08:41 PM

Maybe you should think about WHY she may have said this? Do you think you may be missing something that she sees in you?

Or perhaps you just caught her in a bad mood. It seems like what she was saying was kind of snappy.

I do find it odd that she turned it into something completely different... the kernel of racism in everyone? I think she is either denying her opinion in order to avoid a fight or she regrets having said that because of a bad mood/something she was upset about.

JohnsburySnipe · 12-12-2007, 08:42 PM

He11 No you did the right thing.

I hate when people preordain notions and judgements about you when they don't know what on Sam Hill they're talking about.

People have done the same thing to me before, calling me a pedophile, calling me gay etc...

Like I associate around alotta female friends so those same gurls will assume I'm gay or I'll see a chick with a fat a$$ and be like DAYUM, and she turns around and looks 13 I been accused of pedohpilism.

I understand where you coming from with racism, because not only is it inherently ignorant and evil which is terrible enuff to be associated with that word, but there's a social stigmatism that goes along with it as well.

Bill O'Reiley who I regard as both a scumbag and a racist, accuses black people of being racist and self-racist just because there are negative connotations tied to people who are racist.

Look how the media ostracized Imus and Kramer because of racist JOKES. Okay Kramer went way too far I admit, but the Imus thing was just a joke and look how people want to demonize him and blow things out of proportion.

you're dayum RIGHT for feelin' offended, I'm kinda like you, appreciate racism when it's done with both humour AND good taste, but otherwise I'm totally against it and I can't stand when people think I'm racist.

I think the best thing would be to not offend her, but still impress upon her how much hurt you feel cuz she said that. How to do that I have no idea since I suck with communication for the most parts, but good luck!

Pocket Rocket · 12-12-2007, 08:42 PM

Making jokes that put others down no matter if your intentions are innocent are still damaging. There is so much humour in the world, why use the kind that puts someone else in a bad light? One of my friends is very critical of people who are overweight and it makes me cringe every time at how negative and hurtful her words are, I had to call her out on it even though she wasn't saying directly to the other person's face. I used to be extremely sarcastic and to me and most others, then I learned how hurtful and negative it was and stopped. Remember, everyone hurts, don't go out of your way to spread that kind of negativity. Other people hurt, put yourself in their shoes even if they can't hear you, remember that.

JadedStar · 12-12-2007, 08:42 PM

Actually i'm with her on this one. Those "harmless" offensive jokes apparently made her feel you have latent racism.

I think that many people have some prejudice inside of them they have a hard time admitting. NOt just you - we all have SOME form of prejudice.

I agree with her that you are overreacting about it.

JadedStar · 12-12-2007, 08:44 PM

I do find it odd that she turned it into something completely different... the kernel of racism in everyone? I think she is either denying her opinion in order to avoid a fight or she regrets having said that because of a bad mood/something she was upset about.

She is absolutely right. Only i would use the term "prejudice" vs racism. Everybody has some prejudices in their inner psyche that smoetimes they are afraid to voice. I don't think anyone is so hip and modern they don't have a slight prejudice toward anything.

I was having a convo with my husband the other night and casually called him arrogant. he got really offended. I was like "but at times YOU ARE". It is what it is. I didn't mean he was an arrogant person just that in certain situations he acted that way. That doesn't mean that 98% of the time he isn't a sweet guy - he just handles SOME situations with an arrogance.

I wasn't trying to be mean and i know your g/f wasn't trying to be mean either...i just don't think she was.

**annie24** · 12-12-2007, 08:45 PM

i don't think having a dream makes you racist. dreams are very odd, sometimes bits of our unconcious, or sometimes just about something you watched on tv before you went to sleep. i have had dreams of killing people, but i know i am not a murdered! i had a dream where i was killing transvestites, sheesh, so not me!!! lol.

but, i wouldn't use racial humor, even if you aren't in "mixed" company. you can really offend someone, even if you think it is just in good fun. you never know, someone may be part black/asian/indian, etc.... just because they don't look it doesn't mean that they aren't. or, they may have a partner or best friend or family member who is of that race, and they would take such comments personally.

i would definately not do the racist jokes anymore. i think that is more racist than any sort of dream. i agree that we all have a kernel of racism in us, whether we acknowledge it or not, i think it is there.

Pocket Rocket · 12-12-2007, 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JadedStar

[I]
She is absolutely right. Only i would use the term "prejudice" vs racism. Everybody has some prejudices in their inner psyche that smoetimes they are afraid to voice. I don't think anyone is so hip and modern they don't have a slight prejudice toward anything.

True, but you can notice these feelings and work around them, yes we are different, but no one is superior or inferior to anyone else. By instinct human beings evolved to be able to distinguish between groups, unfortuantely a remnant of that is our sense of prejudice. Of course we need to distinguish between judgements we make towards people who don't deserve it and those who harm other people (eg rapists, murderers etc) - but this a matter of individuals, not groups

Atticus90 · 12-12-2007, 08:47 PM

If you're only telling jokes, then it's a joke.
That's the problem with Some of the races here. They get all worked up and get all upset.

Example : the nappy headed *** comment made by a radio talk show host ( comedy guy ). The african american community got all upset and thought he was a racist.

He's a commedian. For real, thats his job... he only made a joke and everyone took it offensivly

Another Example: Halloween, a couple put up some scary stuff outside there house. There was a black guy hanging from the tree all dead and stuff.

African american community got all upset and thought he was a racist cause he had a black guy up there hanging. If it was a white guy, they'd be all happy and calm about it. The point of the dummy guy is supposed to look human. We can't color it blue to make everyone happy can we?

Point to all this is.. A lot of people in this world can't take jokes. What you're doing is ok. if she thinks you're a racist, then have her talk to your friends, because she's obviously calling them a racist as well.

12-12-2007, 08:27 PM	#1
SonicYouth Offline Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 50	Girlfriend called me a racist About an hour ago my girlfriend called me a racist. I was telling her about a dream I had (the content of which is irrelevant) and she said something like "maybe it has something to do with your latent racism". I naturally asked her what she meant and if she thought I was racist. She shrugged her shoulders and basically said yes with her silence. I naturally got really upset that someone would accuse me of being a racist, especially someone so close to me (we've been together for 2 1/2 years). I am NOT racist. Sometimes (not that often) I'll use some racial humor amongst friends, and I do realize that it would be offensive to some people, so I don't use it in mixed company. Just on a rare occasion amongst close friends. It's how we've joked since high school. We are not racist. She later explained that what she meant was that she was referring to the "kernel of racism" in everyone, and could not see how this would be deeply hurtful to me. I feel like of everyone I know she should see past the sometimes caustic humor to the fact that I am a loving, accepting person. She told me I overreacted by becoming incredibly offended, since she didn't mean me personally. I was deeply offended because I saw it as a direct attack on my character. I see it as the most offensive thing you could possibly say to a person...and it hurt especially to think that my girlfriend saw me as hate filled. We've mostly made up now, but it still hurts a little bit, even if she tried to explain it away. Did I overreact by being extremely offended?

12-12-2007, 08:41 PM	#3
havefaith Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Age: 21 Posts: 670	Maybe you should think about WHY she may have said this? Do you think you may be missing something that she sees in you? Or perhaps you just caught her in a bad mood. It seems like what she was saying was kind of snappy. I do find it odd that she turned it into something completely different... the kernel of racism in everyone? I think she is either denying her opinion in order to avoid a fight or she regrets having said that because of a bad mood/something she was upset about. __________________ It's not about who you've known the longest; it's about who has come along and never left your side. I've done all I can do, if you want me in your life you'll put me there.

12-12-2007, 08:42 PM	#5
Pocket Rocket Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Who knows?! Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 1,084	Making jokes that put others down no matter if your intentions are innocent are still damaging. There is so much humour in the world, why use the kind that puts someone else in a bad light? One of my friends is very critical of people who are overweight and it makes me cringe every time at how negative and hurtful her words are, I had to call her out on it even though she wasn't saying directly to the other person's face. I used to be extremely sarcastic and to me and most others, then I learned how hurtful and negative it was and stopped. Remember, everyone hurts, don't go out of your way to spread that kind of negativity. Other people hurt, put yourself in their shoes even if they can't hear you, remember that. __________________ "Happiness is not a destination, it is a method of life"

12-12-2007, 08:44 PM	#7
JadedStar Offline Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: On a star far, far away... Posts: 16,347	I do find it odd that she turned it into something completely different... the kernel of racism in everyone? I think she is either denying her opinion in order to avoid a fight or she regrets having said that because of a bad mood/something she was upset about. She is absolutely right. Only i would use the term "prejudice" vs racism. Everybody has some prejudices in their inner psyche that smoetimes they are afraid to voice. I don't think anyone is so hip and modern they don't have a slight prejudice toward anything. I was having a convo with my husband the other night and casually called him arrogant. he got really offended. I was like "but at times YOU ARE". It is what it is. I didn't mean he was an arrogant person just that in certain situations he acted that way. That doesn't mean that 98% of the time he isn't a sweet guy - he just handles SOME situations with an arrogance. I wasn't trying to be mean and i know your g/f wasn't trying to be mean either...i just don't think she was. Last edited by JadedStar; 12-12-2007 at 08:47 PM.

12-12-2007, 08:47 PM	#10
Atticus90 Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: North Carolina Gender: Male Age: 19 Posts: 1,194	If you're only telling jokes, then it's a joke. That's the problem with Some of the races here. They get all worked up and get all upset. Example : the nappy headed *** comment made by a radio talk show host ( comedy guy ). The african american community got all upset and thought he was a racist. He's a commedian. For real, thats his job... he only made a joke and everyone took it offensivly Another Example: Halloween, a couple put up some scary stuff outside there house. There was a black guy hanging from the tree all dead and stuff. African american community got all upset and thought he was a racist cause he had a black guy up there hanging. If it was a white guy, they'd be all happy and calm about it. The point of the dummy guy is supposed to look human. We can't color it blue to make everyone happy can we? Point to all this is.. A lot of people in this world can't take jokes. What you're doing is ok. if she thinks you're a racist, then have her talk to your friends, because she's obviously calling them a racist as well. __________________ When in battle, show no mercy, for you shall receive none"

12-12-2007, 08:38 PM	#2
Entropy Smith Offline Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: New Yawk Gender: Male Posts: 925	Perhaps the extreme reaction is because there is some truth to it...everyones racist more or less in some way...if you tell racist jokes the perception of you is going to be that your racist. Its alittle different when you are around your close friends and you are free to say whatever you want though...

12-12-2007, 08:42 PM	#4
JohnsburySnipe Offline Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: New York City Gender: Male Age: 21 Posts: 31	He11 No you did the right thing. I hate when people preordain notions and judgements about you when they don't know what on Sam Hill they're talking about. People have done the same thing to me before, calling me a pedophile, calling me gay etc... Like I associate around alotta female friends so those same gurls will assume I'm gay or I'll see a chick with a fat a$$ and be like DAYUM, and she turns around and looks 13 I been accused of pedohpilism. I understand where you coming from with racism, because not only is it inherently ignorant and evil which is terrible enuff to be associated with that word, but there's a social stigmatism that goes along with it as well. Bill O'Reiley who I regard as both a scumbag and a racist, accuses black people of being racist and self-racist just because there are negative connotations tied to people who are racist. Look how the media ostracized Imus and Kramer because of racist JOKES. Okay Kramer went way too far I admit, but the Imus thing was just a joke and look how people want to demonize him and blow things out of proportion. you're dayum RIGHT for feelin' offended, I'm kinda like you, appreciate racism when it's done with both humour AND good taste, but otherwise I'm totally against it and I can't stand when people think I'm racist. I think the best thing would be to not offend her, but still impress upon her how much hurt you feel cuz she said that. How to do that I have no idea since I suck with communication for the most parts, but good luck!

12-12-2007, 08:45 PM	#8
annie24 Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Oct 2004 Age: 29 Posts: 26,816	i don't think having a dream makes you racist. dreams are very odd, sometimes bits of our unconcious, or sometimes just about something you watched on tv before you went to sleep. i have had dreams of killing people, but i know i am not a murdered! i had a dream where i was killing transvestites, sheesh, so not me!!! lol. but, i wouldn't use racial humor, even if you aren't in "mixed" company. you can really offend someone, even if you think it is just in good fun. you never know, someone may be part black/asian/indian, etc.... just because they don't look it doesn't mean that they aren't. or, they may have a partner or best friend or family member who is of that race, and they would take such comments personally. i would definately not do the racist jokes anymore. i think that is more racist than any sort of dream. i agree that we all have a kernel of racism in us, whether we acknowledge it or not, i think it is there.