Need Parenting Advice

southerngirl · 12-12-2007, 03:19 PM

Okay my darling 10 year old 4th grader has been stealing.

Every Monday, I send 10 dollars with him to pay for his breakfast and lunch at the school. I just got a call from the school. He owes 78 dollars to the lunch room for unpaid food fees.

This means for 8 weeks he has been stealing that money!

I do not know yet what he is doing with it, he will be home in one hour. Either he is saving it up and hiding it....... Spending it in the 'school store' ...... Or something.

I am so mad! Everytime he gets food and doesn't pay for it he is stealing from the lunch room.

Everytime he takes my money and doesn't give it to his teacher like he's supposed to he is stealing from me.

Everytime he buys something in the office or wherever he is buying it with stolen money...

I know this is a normal life lesson for kids his age to have to learn that stealing is wrong but this is MY KID... IM mad!

I am also mad that the school let it go 8 weeks before calling me! What did they think? Did they think we were neglecting our son? Good Grief! 8 WEEKS!!!!!

So here is what I am thinking after I strip search him when he comes in the door today.

He will write 100 sentences..... I WILL NOT STEAL....

He's also so grounded its not even funny! I also need to figure out how he can pay us back this money.

I will pay 10 dollars a week like always PAYING BACK WHAT HE OWES..... And for the 8 weeks it takes he will be taking a brown bag lunch to school and I will make sure there is nothing delicious in it.

Sandwiches... Apples.... You get the idea.. Crime does not pay.

What would you do if this were your son?

EQD · 12-12-2007, 03:26 PM

that sounds like a damn good punishment on the kid actually, i can't think of anything you left out.. It should teach him a lesson. *thumbs up* for being a good mom!

I believe you took the words out of my mouth, just make sure he doesnt ditch the sack lunch and "charge" a regular lunch to you. Let the teachers and lunch people know that he cannot have cafeteria lunches until futher notice.
Once again *thumbs up*

southerngirl · 12-12-2007, 03:35 PM

Sigh.... Yeah I did think of that also.

I am also going to ask him calmly just why he has done this and what has he done with the money.

I hope his answer isnt that he has been bullied and some other kid has the money.

Me and husband have been getting along great though here lately.... Before our recent 'problem' we dont really fight alot either.

I really would hope thats not the reason.

amtjrtcet · 12-12-2007, 03:49 PM

sounds like you've got a pretty good plan girl. Stick it to his little butt.

**melrich** · 12-12-2007, 03:59 PM

Quote:

I am also going to ask him calmly just why he has done this and what has he done with the money.

I hope his answer isnt that he has been bullied and some other kid has the money.

Yes I would definately calm down before speaking to him and make sure that there is not some good reason (in his mind) as to why he is taking this money.

If it turns out that he has just taken it for his own use then your punishments seem reasonable, he does need to learn a lesson from this. Personally I would not do the strip search though.

southerngirl · 12-12-2007, 04:10 PM

I did search him when he got home... No i didnt strip him but I found no money either.

He says that he has been spending the money at the office. He did fess up that he has been buying stuff for kids in class... Not just one kid but a list.

He also did say right away when i asked was anyone bullying him that 'Jacob' was bullying him. I said like how tell me... He said that he will push him down and tackle him during PE class. (physical ed) Aparently the teachers arent watching if this is happening! He also denies giving that kid any money.

I have a call into the school. The more I think about it the more mad I am at the school for not letting me know sooner that there was a problem.

We are talking about a 4th grader here. It is THEIR fault for aparently letting it go on this long.

Story to be continued,,, no, I didnt yell but I have sent him to his room. I told him that we arent done talking and that I want him to think about it. He's been in there now about 10 minutes and I plan to go bring him out again in another 5.

FarthestEdge · 12-12-2007, 04:40 PM

I got caught stealing when I was 13. Only it wasn't from my parents- worse, it was from a store.

Here's what my folks did:

1) I was forbidden to hang out with the girl I got arrested with. (That only made her and I "best friends" for the next 3 years), BUT.....
2) Everthing that was important to me (boy-band posters, records (yes- I'm THAT old!) the phone in my room, the privelege of going out, of having friends in etc.) had a value placed on it and I had to "earn" it back at $3.00 per hour doing chores at home & at my dad's work. And these things weren't cheap...My phone privelege alone was like $80.00. I spent most of the summer earning my stuff back.

I tried to get off by saying I was upset about something that was going on at the time- That just made it worse. My parents reminded me that no matter WHAT is going on in my life, it isn't an excuse to take things I haven't earned.

Whatever is going on at home or school, he needs to learn to deal with it. He should come to you for help if he's lost as to how to deal. It doesn't excuse stealing, even if it was for attention...they are separate issues.

Life will always throw stuff at you that you don't deserve, can't control and isn't fair- it doesn't justify taking things from other people that isn't yours....

My advice would be to show compassion for his issues, but in NO WAY allow that to mitigate your punishment for stealing the money- because then you are allowing that there are moral "loopholes"

Be glad he stole from you and not the local Wal-Mart. You have a chance to teach him BEFORE it escalates into something bigger..

And don't beat yourself up about it. It's not unusual for a 10 year old to have an overly flexible moral compass...this is an opportunity to reinforce to him what's right and what's wrong...

Good luck!

**melrich** · 12-12-2007, 04:42 PM

Quote:

2) Everthing that was important to me (boy-band posters, records (yes- I'm THAT old!) the phone in my room, the privelege of going out, of having friends in etc.) had a value placed on it and I had to "earn" it back at $3.00 per hour doing chores at home & at my dad's work. And these things weren't cheap...My phone privelege alone was like $80.00. I spent most of the summer earning my stuff back.

Good idea....and you have remembered it.

southerngirl · 12-12-2007, 04:44 PM

Right now he is sat down at the kitchen table writing 100 times... I will not steal.

I plan to also buy a posterboard at the store tonight and write out exactly how much he hes to pay back and he will earn it.

A dollar here and a dollar there for chores he can do here at home and next door with family.

He's also going to brown bag his lunch too. I am sure he will get sick of ham and cheese sandwiches.

This is very frustrating. He didn't say anyone was bullying him out of the money. I told him if that is what happened then he needs to tell me.

Oh , he also has lost his tv, playstation and I told him he wont be getting those back for a good while.

FarthestEdge · 12-12-2007, 04:45 PM

Yep- I especially remember sitting on the cottage roof scraping moss off for hours...A lot of time to contemplate if those $50 sunglasses were really worth it...

12-12-2007, 03:19 PM	#1
southerngirl Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: NW Georgia Gender: Female Posts: 3,032	Need Parenting Advice Okay my darling 10 year old 4th grader has been stealing. Every Monday, I send 10 dollars with him to pay for his breakfast and lunch at the school. I just got a call from the school. He owes 78 dollars to the lunch room for unpaid food fees. This means for 8 weeks he has been stealing that money! I do not know yet what he is doing with it, he will be home in one hour. Either he is saving it up and hiding it....... Spending it in the 'school store' ...... Or something. I am so mad! Everytime he gets food and doesn't pay for it he is stealing from the lunch room. Everytime he takes my money and doesn't give it to his teacher like he's supposed to he is stealing from me. Everytime he buys something in the office or wherever he is buying it with stolen money... I know this is a normal life lesson for kids his age to have to learn that stealing is wrong but this is MY KID... IM mad! I am also mad that the school let it go 8 weeks before calling me! What did they think? Did they think we were neglecting our son? Good Grief! 8 WEEKS!!!!! So here is what I am thinking after I strip search him when he comes in the door today. He will write 100 sentences..... I WILL NOT STEAL.... He's also so grounded its not even funny! I also need to figure out how he can pay us back this money. I will pay 10 dollars a week like always PAYING BACK WHAT HE OWES..... And for the 8 weeks it takes he will be taking a brown bag lunch to school and I will make sure there is nothing delicious in it. Sandwiches... Apples.... You get the idea.. Crime does not pay. What would you do if this were your son? __________________ A wise man learns by the mistakes of others, a fool by his own. Latin Proverb

12-12-2007, 03:26 PM	#2
EQD Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 5,977	that sounds like a damn good punishment on the kid actually, i can't think of anything you left out.. It should teach him a lesson. thumbs up for being a good mom! I believe you took the words out of my mouth, just make sure he doesnt ditch the sack lunch and "charge" a regular lunch to you. Let the teachers and lunch people know that he cannot have cafeteria lunches until futher notice. Once again thumbs up __________________ http://sumitsays.com/2009/05/29/in-your-headlights/

12-12-2007, 03:35 PM	#3
southerngirl Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: NW Georgia Gender: Female Posts: 3,032	Sigh.... Yeah I did think of that also. I am also going to ask him calmly just why he has done this and what has he done with the money. I hope his answer isnt that he has been bullied and some other kid has the money. Me and husband have been getting along great though here lately.... Before our recent 'problem' we dont really fight alot either. I really would hope thats not the reason. __________________ A wise man learns by the mistakes of others, a fool by his own. Latin Proverb

12-12-2007, 03:49 PM	#4
amtjrtcet Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Gender: None Specified Posts: 2,876	sounds like you've got a pretty good plan girl. Stick it to his little butt. __________________ Whah, whah, whah, whah, whah...... Does this knife in my back make my ass look big? ~ Dancers are the athletes of God. ~

12-12-2007, 04:10 PM	#6
southerngirl Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: NW Georgia Gender: Female Posts: 3,032	I did search him when he got home... No i didnt strip him but I found no money either. He says that he has been spending the money at the office. He did fess up that he has been buying stuff for kids in class... Not just one kid but a list. He also did say right away when i asked was anyone bullying him that 'Jacob' was bullying him. I said like how tell me... He said that he will push him down and tackle him during PE class. (physical ed) Aparently the teachers arent watching if this is happening! He also denies giving that kid any money. I have a call into the school. The more I think about it the more mad I am at the school for not letting me know sooner that there was a problem. We are talking about a 4th grader here. It is THEIR fault for aparently letting it go on this long. Story to be continued,,, no, I didnt yell but I have sent him to his room. I told him that we arent done talking and that I want him to think about it. He's been in there now about 10 minutes and I plan to go bring him out again in another 5. __________________ A wise man learns by the mistakes of others, a fool by his own. Latin Proverb

12-12-2007, 04:40 PM	#7
FarthestEdge Offline Gold Member Join Date: May 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 836	I got caught stealing when I was 13. Only it wasn't from my parents- worse, it was from a store. Here's what my folks did: 1) I was forbidden to hang out with the girl I got arrested with. (That only made her and I "best friends" for the next 3 years), BUT..... 2) Everthing that was important to me (boy-band posters, records (yes- I'm THAT old!) the phone in my room, the privelege of going out, of having friends in etc.) had a value placed on it and I had to "earn" it back at $3.00 per hour doing chores at home & at my dad's work. And these things weren't cheap...My phone privelege alone was like $80.00. I spent most of the summer earning my stuff back. I tried to get off by saying I was upset about something that was going on at the time- That just made it worse. My parents reminded me that no matter WHAT is going on in my life, it isn't an excuse to take things I haven't earned. Whatever is going on at home or school, he needs to learn to deal with it. He should come to you for help if he's lost as to how to deal. It doesn't excuse stealing, even if it was for attention...they are separate issues. Life will always throw stuff at you that you don't deserve, can't control and isn't fair- it doesn't justify taking things from other people that isn't yours.... My advice would be to show compassion for his issues, but in NO WAY allow that to mitigate your punishment for stealing the money- because then you are allowing that there are moral "loopholes" Be glad he stole from you and not the local Wal-Mart. You have a chance to teach him BEFORE it escalates into something bigger.. And don't beat yourself up about it. It's not unusual for a 10 year old to have an overly flexible moral compass...this is an opportunity to reinforce to him what's right and what's wrong... Good luck!

12-12-2007, 04:44 PM	#9
southerngirl Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: NW Georgia Gender: Female Posts: 3,032	Right now he is sat down at the kitchen table writing 100 times... I will not steal. I plan to also buy a posterboard at the store tonight and write out exactly how much he hes to pay back and he will earn it. A dollar here and a dollar there for chores he can do here at home and next door with family. He's also going to brown bag his lunch too. I am sure he will get sick of ham and cheese sandwiches. This is very frustrating. He didn't say anyone was bullying him out of the money. I told him if that is what happened then he needs to tell me. Oh , he also has lost his tv, playstation and I told him he wont be getting those back for a good while. __________________ A wise man learns by the mistakes of others, a fool by his own. Latin Proverb

12-12-2007, 04:45 PM	#10
FarthestEdge Offline Gold Member Join Date: May 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 836	Yep- I especially remember sitting on the cottage roof scraping moss off for hours...A lot of time to contemplate if those $50 sunglasses were really worth it...