What to do

lost in canada · 12-11-2007, 12:26 PM

this has been a little while coming but has recently hit me harder as I have recently started talkng to an old friend that lives about 30 hours away. I am married with 3 kids. My wife is very verbally abusive towards me in front of our kids. She calls me things liek stupid and talking to me is liek talking to someone with teh brain capacity af mentally challenged person, and that is just the begining. I believe I am fallign in love with this old friend who lives far away. My biggest problem is i dont want to hurt our kids but i dont think i can handle the abuse she puts me thru anymore. IWhat would make me really happy is to move away get all my stuff together and file for custody as I dont believe she would be able to handle the 3 kids ro 2 1 is a step child of mine. She just constantly yells at them for everything they do. I am so lost here im in the dark.

Crazyaboutdogs · 12-11-2007, 12:39 PM

Do not stay in an abusive marriage. You need to sort that situation out first before thinking about a relationship with your old friend. Start talking to a lawyer and get the wheels in motion for a separation/divorce. If you want custody of the children, I don't know how feasible it is for you and the children to move 30 hours away from your wife. Forget this friend right now because you will have enough to deal with if you make the choice to leave your wife and file for custody. You are in no position to think about a new relationship unless you put an end to the old one which is really broken.

turnaroundmyway · 12-11-2007, 12:42 PM

What exactly is your wife complaining about? Have you heard and addressed her complaints? It is possible she's stressed out? It's possible she's just as frustrated as you are. Have you told her that her behaviour really bothers you and that she's pushing you away through it? It's possible you're not really falling in love with the old friend, you're looking for an escape route. How often do you reconnect with your wife? You married her for a reason. Take a break from the kids and everyday life and reconnect with her - go on a date, go on vacation. Rediscover what it is about her that made you fall in love with her in the first place. Don't take the easy way out. Marriage and life is hard. There is no guarantee things will work out with this old friend - it's just "easier" in your eyes.

Lana0120 · 12-11-2007, 01:28 PM

Go and get legal advice, move out and start the ball rolling. Even if you don't want to be with this new woman, you obviously don't want to be with your wife anymore and shouldn't have to put up with that kind of treatment. Your children will adjust, and who knows, if you think you have a good chance of gaining custody, things might work out well for you. I'd be wary about jumping into things with this new love though, until you have dealt with these issues.

Portage · 12-11-2007, 01:36 PM

Ditto to the Above

Don't go from one relationship to the next. The other woman should NOT be treated as a safety net. That is just a security blanket for someone who needs to stand on his own two feet.

Take care of you, don't look for 'love' until you've gotten your current situation under control. Just remember, everywhere you turn, there sits your past, which impacts on your present and future. Work on it and get that clean slate that is needed for emotional/personal success.

Good luck

turnaroundmyway · 12-11-2007, 02:22 PM

Wow, I would advocate anyone here to stay home with 3 kids for a week and not go bonkers.

There are two sides to every story. For all we know this guy could be sitting around the house all day drinking beer and watching football while she cares for the kids, makes dinner, takes out the garbage, pays the bills, brings the kids to practices, cuts the lawn etc etc etc.

Why is it you have time to talk to this 'friend'. Are you really helping out at home or are you part of the problem?

Give her a couple of days away from the house and kids and then talk to her. If things don't change and she remains abusive, at least you know where the problem really lies. Only then can you can say you've tried and can move on feeling guilt free.

I'm not saying she's right to call you and the kids names, but raising a family can get overwhelming. If you work with her, things may change. It depends on what you really want.

southerngirl · 12-11-2007, 02:37 PM

I agree. She could be stressed and need your support.

YOu are married to her, and I would think somewhere in there you loved her. You created three kids with her.

Remember that for better for worse thing in the marriage vows? What about marriage counseling?

You are in the midst of an emotional affair and you will not realize until its too late. YOu should stop this now. You have no business getting involved with another woman.

If you want out of your marriage you should end that first, because as of right now you are not even available.

You are thrilled by this stranger that you knew many years ago and right now you are looking at all of the negative qualities of your wife. She probably is not even aware of this is she?

She shouldn't be calling you names and being abusive, but what is she upset about? I think i'd need more information before I judged her too harshly.. For all I know your ignoring her, helping NONE with the house and kids and now cheating on her. Maybe thats why she is so upset.

12-11-2007, 12:26 PM	#1
lost in canada Offline Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 1	What to do this has been a little while coming but has recently hit me harder as I have recently started talkng to an old friend that lives about 30 hours away. I am married with 3 kids. My wife is very verbally abusive towards me in front of our kids. She calls me things liek stupid and talking to me is liek talking to someone with teh brain capacity af mentally challenged person, and that is just the begining. I believe I am fallign in love with this old friend who lives far away. My biggest problem is i dont want to hurt our kids but i dont think i can handle the abuse she puts me thru anymore. IWhat would make me really happy is to move away get all my stuff together and file for custody as I dont believe she would be able to handle the 3 kids ro 2 1 is a step child of mine. She just constantly yells at them for everything they do. I am so lost here im in the dark.

12-11-2007, 01:36 PM	#5
Portage Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Canada Gender: Female Posts: 1,745	Ditto to the Above Don't go from one relationship to the next. The other woman should NOT be treated as a safety net. That is just a security blanket for someone who needs to stand on his own two feet. Take care of you, don't look for 'love' until you've gotten your current situation under control. Just remember, everywhere you turn, there sits your past, which impacts on your present and future. Work on it and get that clean slate that is needed for emotional/personal success. Good luck __________________ I dream of Algonquin Last edited by Portage; 12-11-2007 at 01:45 PM.

12-11-2007, 02:37 PM	#7
southerngirl Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: NW Georgia Gender: Female Posts: 3,030	I agree. She could be stressed and need your support. YOu are married to her, and I would think somewhere in there you loved her. You created three kids with her. Remember that for better for worse thing in the marriage vows? What about marriage counseling? You are in the midst of an emotional affair and you will not realize until its too late. YOu should stop this now. You have no business getting involved with another woman. If you want out of your marriage you should end that first, because as of right now you are not even available. You are thrilled by this stranger that you knew many years ago and right now you are looking at all of the negative qualities of your wife. She probably is not even aware of this is she? She shouldn't be calling you names and being abusive, but what is she upset about? I think i'd need more information before I judged her too harshly.. For all I know your ignoring her, helping NONE with the house and kids and now cheating on her. Maybe thats why she is so upset. __________________ A wise man learns by the mistakes of others, a fool by his own. Latin Proverb

12-11-2007, 12:39 PM	#2
Crazyaboutdogs Online Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 15,631	Do not stay in an abusive marriage. You need to sort that situation out first before thinking about a relationship with your old friend. Start talking to a lawyer and get the wheels in motion for a separation/divorce. If you want custody of the children, I don't know how feasible it is for you and the children to move 30 hours away from your wife. Forget this friend right now because you will have enough to deal with if you make the choice to leave your wife and file for custody. You are in no position to think about a new relationship unless you put an end to the old one which is really broken.

12-11-2007, 12:42 PM	#3
turnaroundmyway Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Toronto, Canada Gender: Female Age: 36 Posts: 106	What exactly is your wife complaining about? Have you heard and addressed her complaints? It is possible she's stressed out? It's possible she's just as frustrated as you are. Have you told her that her behaviour really bothers you and that she's pushing you away through it? It's possible you're not really falling in love with the old friend, you're looking for an escape route. How often do you reconnect with your wife? You married her for a reason. Take a break from the kids and everyday life and reconnect with her - go on a date, go on vacation. Rediscover what it is about her that made you fall in love with her in the first place. Don't take the easy way out. Marriage and life is hard. There is no guarantee things will work out with this old friend - it's just "easier" in your eyes.

12-11-2007, 01:28 PM	#4
Lana0120 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 3,465	Go and get legal advice, move out and start the ball rolling. Even if you don't want to be with this new woman, you obviously don't want to be with your wife anymore and shouldn't have to put up with that kind of treatment. Your children will adjust, and who knows, if you think you have a good chance of gaining custody, things might work out well for you. I'd be wary about jumping into things with this new love though, until you have dealt with these issues.

12-11-2007, 02:22 PM	#6
turnaroundmyway Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Toronto, Canada Gender: Female Age: 36 Posts: 106	Wow, I would advocate anyone here to stay home with 3 kids for a week and not go bonkers. There are two sides to every story. For all we know this guy could be sitting around the house all day drinking beer and watching football while she cares for the kids, makes dinner, takes out the garbage, pays the bills, brings the kids to practices, cuts the lawn etc etc etc. Why is it you have time to talk to this 'friend'. Are you really helping out at home or are you part of the problem? Give her a couple of days away from the house and kids and then talk to her. If things don't change and she remains abusive, at least you know where the problem really lies. Only then can you can say you've tried and can move on feeling guilt free. I'm not saying she's right to call you and the kids names, but raising a family can get overwhelming. If you work with her, things may change. It depends on what you really want.