I'm sick of where i am.

shab83 · 12-08-2007, 06:55 PM

hello, this is my first post and i wanted to get an opinion on where i might be wrong and how to solve this problem.

i haven't dated successfully for 5 years now after my break up with my 3 year relationship with my ex gf. I've tried twice but both failed. the first failed attempt ended where the girl just didn't want to talk to me because i was boring perhaps or not exciting and the other one just didn't want to be with someone like me and we had religious differences. ever since those two i've been so shy to talk to a girl and afraid to get rejected and it has been causing me to be more lonely and is interfering with my work. who am i?

i've been trying to find out my self. i went to college for mechanical engineering degree but failed my courses because i had a constant not care about studying and no ambicient whatsoever. don't get me wrong. I'm not describing a lazy person here. I'm describing a depression that i went through that makes me feel like I'm worthless all the time regardless of what i achieve. I feel like i lost energy and losing energy over time. just today i felt like not doing anything in a very important career job that i just got. I've never tried to get anti depression medicine or even talk to a doctor. i felt doing so would make it worse and probably shame my family. it seems that I'm not improving and just getting worse.

I've lived the last 5 years doing nothing but creating classical music since i am a musicians. i've worked small jobs to get my self going and had no goal and just unrealistic dreams of being a music score person (replacing john Williams thats what i keep thinking). i don't have any friends because it seems that whenever i talk no one is interested. like I'm a boring person. when i see people not wanting to talk or go out with me and regard me as not exciting and sometimes depressing. i close my self to them and try not to talk to them because i feel hurt. I don't know when i'm boring and i don't know how to change my self because i can't see it in the first place. i don't try anymore with them. i used to try hard when i dated my 3 year gf especially after i made the mistake of leaving her but she rejected me badly that i went into deep depression for 2 years of nothing but thinking about her and blaming my self. After that it would just be a constant battle of me trying to survive and deal with this depression, that it is just taking way to long. to make things worse i haven't learned my lesson at all to move on and i don't know what makes me like that. i would try to talk to her through those last 5 years and in occasion i would try to get back with her but she would reject me again. whenever i talk to her i always get the impression that she thinks i'm crazy and unstable and i'm starting to believe her. I'm tired of having no choice but to talk to her because i constantly think she was the only one that loved me. i want to move on from her and achieve my dreams but this lonely self and constant feel of being not cool enough for people here always makes me go back and think about her and regret leaving her.

The funny positive thing out of all this long depression is that my music has changed alot. All the sad feelings were reflected all the time in my music and my constant ways of improving my music so it would be more sad to match my current feelings and make me weep and feel self pity. that was the only thing that i knew how to do. But apparently its been recognized in a way that i got picked up to do scoring for a show(A happy show too

). Funny how that turned out without me realizing it through those years. I've always wanted to do music scoring but always thought i was not good enough but those last 5 years did make a change in my music. but I'm still battling my depression and it is interfering with me doing what i always wanted to do. my depression is making me lose energy and excitement for the new job. I'm sick of it. how do i battle this? any ideas?

sorry for the long post

lukeb · 12-08-2007, 07:12 PM

I believe your emotions and feelings are mostly governed by your thoughts, and not so much what happened to you. It is how you think and interpret events that happen. You speak of two dates as "failures", that is not how I would look at them. So you are going to date the first girl that you meet that shows an interest in you? What about you? Don't you need to connect and feel something for the girl you are dating?

It is going to take a lot of hard work to change your emotions and feelings, it took a long time and a lot of practice to think negatively. Based on what I have read in your post I do not believe you can do this on your own. I would do some more research, there are some good articles here, get informed and think about seeing a councelor to turn things around for you.

Good luck

shab83 · 12-08-2007, 07:21 PM

thanks for the reply

I think you misunderstood me. when i said i don't try to connect with people anymore meaning that if a person shows me that he doesn't care for me, i don't feel the need to connect back to them. i don't like to force people into liking or doing something with me. the last time i did that i was called desperate crazy and unstable all because i wanted to get some love back. so any sign i see that shows that this girl or person is not interested in me i just do the same thing. is that negative thinking?

lukeb · 12-08-2007, 07:27 PM

Well when you're dating, to me you're basically putting yourself out there, and taking a little risk. You don't wait until you see clear evidence that someone is going to like you, until you show that someone that you like them. How is your date going to know you like them or feel something for them. Now if your overture isn't reciprocated then better luck next time. I guess if you still show interest in her after she has made it clear she isn't interested well i guess that could be called "crazy".

lukeb · 12-08-2007, 07:30 PM

Dating isn't your problem, you were talking about your depression, that needs to be tackled before anything else.

bulletproof · 12-08-2007, 07:32 PM

I think what the above poster means by negative thinking is that your entire post is loaded with negativity. That is the depression talking. You do sound like you would benefit from therapy, but why would that shame your family? Would they even have to know? I think you need to put yourself first because you have a really big opportunity with your career right now.

You have the power to change your life and shape it into something good, but you have to take the first steps.

lukeb · 12-08-2007, 08:36 PM

Thanks bulletproof, that is exactly what I meant. Over the years I also suffered from mild depression here and there, I also believed that my depression was the result of events that happened to me. Since events are basically out of one's control I felt clueless and powerless to do anything about it. That feelings and emotions are governed by my own thoughts was a revelation to me. What it meant was that I actually did have control and could do something about it.

bulletproof · 12-08-2007, 10:52 PM

I have been there, I know what you mean. When it finally sank into my head that I do have some amount of control over my life it changed a lot of things for me. I had to realize that events might occur independently of me, but I have a choice as to how I react. On top of that, some of those events might not have occurred if I had been acting positively to start with.

I hope this is the beginning of a really good journey for you.

12-08-2007, 06:55 PM	#1
shab83 Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Age: 25 Posts: 19	I'm sick of where i am. hello, this is my first post and i wanted to get an opinion on where i might be wrong and how to solve this problem. i haven't dated successfully for 5 years now after my break up with my 3 year relationship with my ex gf. I've tried twice but both failed. the first failed attempt ended where the girl just didn't want to talk to me because i was boring perhaps or not exciting and the other one just didn't want to be with someone like me and we had religious differences. ever since those two i've been so shy to talk to a girl and afraid to get rejected and it has been causing me to be more lonely and is interfering with my work. who am i? i've been trying to find out my self. i went to college for mechanical engineering degree but failed my courses because i had a constant not care about studying and no ambicient whatsoever. don't get me wrong. I'm not describing a lazy person here. I'm describing a depression that i went through that makes me feel like I'm worthless all the time regardless of what i achieve. I feel like i lost energy and losing energy over time. just today i felt like not doing anything in a very important career job that i just got. I've never tried to get anti depression medicine or even talk to a doctor. i felt doing so would make it worse and probably shame my family. it seems that I'm not improving and just getting worse. I've lived the last 5 years doing nothing but creating classical music since i am a musicians. i've worked small jobs to get my self going and had no goal and just unrealistic dreams of being a music score person (replacing john Williams thats what i keep thinking). i don't have any friends because it seems that whenever i talk no one is interested. like I'm a boring person. when i see people not wanting to talk or go out with me and regard me as not exciting and sometimes depressing. i close my self to them and try not to talk to them because i feel hurt. I don't know when i'm boring and i don't know how to change my self because i can't see it in the first place. i don't try anymore with them. i used to try hard when i dated my 3 year gf especially after i made the mistake of leaving her but she rejected me badly that i went into deep depression for 2 years of nothing but thinking about her and blaming my self. After that it would just be a constant battle of me trying to survive and deal with this depression, that it is just taking way to long. to make things worse i haven't learned my lesson at all to move on and i don't know what makes me like that. i would try to talk to her through those last 5 years and in occasion i would try to get back with her but she would reject me again. whenever i talk to her i always get the impression that she thinks i'm crazy and unstable and i'm starting to believe her. I'm tired of having no choice but to talk to her because i constantly think she was the only one that loved me. i want to move on from her and achieve my dreams but this lonely self and constant feel of being not cool enough for people here always makes me go back and think about her and regret leaving her. The funny positive thing out of all this long depression is that my music has changed alot. All the sad feelings were reflected all the time in my music and my constant ways of improving my music so it would be more sad to match my current feelings and make me weep and feel self pity. that was the only thing that i knew how to do. But apparently its been recognized in a way that i got picked up to do scoring for a show(A happy show too). Funny how that turned out without me realizing it through those years. I've always wanted to do music scoring but always thought i was not good enough but those last 5 years did make a change in my music. but I'm still battling my depression and it is interfering with me doing what i always wanted to do. my depression is making me lose energy and excitement for the new job. I'm sick of it. how do i battle this? any ideas? sorry for the long post

12-08-2007, 07:27 PM	#4
lukeb Offline Gold Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Alberta, Canada Gender: Male Age: 44 Posts: 704	Well when you're dating, to me you're basically putting yourself out there, and taking a little risk. You don't wait until you see clear evidence that someone is going to like you, until you show that someone that you like them. How is your date going to know you like them or feel something for them. Now if your overture isn't reciprocated then better luck next time. I guess if you still show interest in her after she has made it clear she isn't interested well i guess that could be called "crazy". Last edited by lukeb; 12-08-2007 at 07:31 PM.

12-08-2007, 07:12 PM	#2
lukeb Offline Gold Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Alberta, Canada Gender: Male Age: 44 Posts: 704	I believe your emotions and feelings are mostly governed by your thoughts, and not so much what happened to you. It is how you think and interpret events that happen. You speak of two dates as "failures", that is not how I would look at them. So you are going to date the first girl that you meet that shows an interest in you? What about you? Don't you need to connect and feel something for the girl you are dating? It is going to take a lot of hard work to change your emotions and feelings, it took a long time and a lot of practice to think negatively. Based on what I have read in your post I do not believe you can do this on your own. I would do some more research, there are some good articles here, get informed and think about seeing a councelor to turn things around for you. Good luck

12-08-2007, 07:21 PM	#3
shab83 Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Age: 25 Posts: 19	thanks for the reply I think you misunderstood me. when i said i don't try to connect with people anymore meaning that if a person shows me that he doesn't care for me, i don't feel the need to connect back to them. i don't like to force people into liking or doing something with me. the last time i did that i was called desperate crazy and unstable all because i wanted to get some love back. so any sign i see that shows that this girl or person is not interested in me i just do the same thing. is that negative thinking?

12-08-2007, 07:30 PM	#5
lukeb Offline Gold Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Alberta, Canada Gender: Male Age: 44 Posts: 704	Dating isn't your problem, you were talking about your depression, that needs to be tackled before anything else.

12-08-2007, 07:32 PM	#6
bulletproof Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 2,027	I think what the above poster means by negative thinking is that your entire post is loaded with negativity. That is the depression talking. You do sound like you would benefit from therapy, but why would that shame your family? Would they even have to know? I think you need to put yourself first because you have a really big opportunity with your career right now. You have the power to change your life and shape it into something good, but you have to take the first steps.

12-08-2007, 08:36 PM	#7
lukeb Offline Gold Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Alberta, Canada Gender: Male Age: 44 Posts: 704	Thanks bulletproof, that is exactly what I meant. Over the years I also suffered from mild depression here and there, I also believed that my depression was the result of events that happened to me. Since events are basically out of one's control I felt clueless and powerless to do anything about it. That feelings and emotions are governed by my own thoughts was a revelation to me. What it meant was that I actually did have control and could do something about it.

12-08-2007, 10:52 PM	#8
bulletproof Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 2,027	I have been there, I know what you mean. When it finally sank into my head that I do have some amount of control over my life it changed a lot of things for me. I had to realize that events might occur independently of me, but I have a choice as to how I react. On top of that, some of those events might not have occurred if I had been acting positively to start with. I hope this is the beginning of a really good journey for you.