Dating a woman with an eating disorder

I have dated three women who suffered from severe anorexia in their teenage years. All women were in their twenties. They looked healthier while I was dating them but it is an issue that constantly haunted them everytime they went through a difficult period.

A close friend of the family is a well known psychologist. Off the record, she mentioned how a relationship with an anorexic woman is extremely unfavourable. Another therapist told me things are usually more difficult.

Despite all of this knowledge, along the years I fell for three women who had fallen for me very quickly. I was the best thing that could ever happen to them. They kept showering with the kind of words that you say to someone you truly care for.

In all three cases, one fight after a few months of dating and it was over. I have no doubt that they actually fell for me. But the way they changed their mind truly scares me.

After the breakups, I realized how much these women lie all the time. They always have the most incredible things happening to them at the most incredible times. They are re-inventing the world dictionary of medical conditions every day.

In all three cases, I truly cared for these women and I did everything that I could to be supportive. However I can't get rid of this annoying impression that someone had played with my feelings.

I'm not judging women with eating disorders. I was hurt for caring for them and I wonder if anyone else here has experiences to share.

i think you just ran accross three bad liars who happened to have eating disorders...........if your thinking this sooner or later it will become a stereotype that you have about all women with eating disorders.......may not have it now but its something to be cautios of...

but no i dont have any exp with that, the girls i usually talk to are in the 150 range

i like em thick....with a side of hips and a nice round butt

I think anorexia is a serious psychiatric condition. It's actually the one with the highest death rate.

I am not prone to calling them "liars" but I think they have a different way of dealing with problems. Someone who can do something as bad as starving themself can do anything to you.

Psychologists cannot make a professional statement that it's "bad" to date a woman with an eating disorder. But speak to one personally and you'll get a totally different answer.

If I met another with this condition, I wouldn't rule her out but I'd definitely be very cautious.

i think you just ran accross three bad liars who happened to have eating disorders...........if your thinking this sooner or later it will become a stereotype that you have about all women with eating disorders.......may not have it now but its something to be cautios of...

 

but no i dont have any exp with that, the girls i usually talk to are in the 150 range

i like em thick....with a side of hips and a nice round butt

That's great! Nice to see a man who doesn't view someone who is around a size 10-12 as too fat!

I agree with your post. People with eating disorders will deny their disorder and will cover up their bodies and lie about things related to their eating habits, but they don't necessarily lie about everything else. I think what you ran into is coincidence. There are a lot of liars in this world...and given what is promoted in the media etc, there are a lot of women who feel pressured into being thin so they end up with eating disorders. So given these two facts, it is not surprising that you met up with some women with both issues.

Lots of people have baggage, be it eating disorders or whatever. Everybody's baggage can be difficult to deal with. You will not find one person who doesn't have some kind of baggage...but the baggage is just part of who they are, not all of who they are.

I am not sure where you get that anorexia has the highest death rate. Also, psychologists are not perfect human beings either...many of them have major issues as well so I don't think you should base your dating life on off the cuff remarks by a psychologist. Lots of things are difficult to live with...you have to make your own choice of what you can and can't live with.

Also, you can't make a statement that anorexics harm themselves thereforeeee they might do anything to you. Anybody can do anything to you...to say that anorexics are more likely to is a statement of bias perhaps based on your experience of getting hurt.

LOL, Mr. dallaire, amazed at the similarities in our experiences and situations sometimes. Having experienced exactly what you are describing, have done lots of thinking and research on this topic after a couple of bad experiences, one fairly recent, and my very unscientific findings and conclusions may prove helpful to you. These are just my unmedical layman's opinions, but I stand by them.

Have experienced two distinct types of women who have suffered from eating disorders, the first type is just a red flag, the second to be avoided at all costs. There can certainly be overlap between the two types.

1. Will call her the "follower." This woman suffered from an eating disorder in her adolescence, usually more anorexic prone, often as part of a peer group who all engaged in the same behavior. She tends to be from a middle, upper middle class or upper class background, ran with a popular crowd of girls who became insecure and obsessed with body image early on, and usually either grew out of it or received mild medical treatment. She shows few, if any symptoms now, and has a history of at least some stable loving relationships with friends, family and romantic partners in her life. Things to watch out for in this type are impulsivity and a lack of basic integrity, but many of these types if recovered, are perfectly normal.

2. The "disordered." This woman's eating disorder is comorbid with a more serious personality disorder (or more commonly, several others), usually linked to childhood trauma, but not always. The eating disorder presents into adulthood, and despite serious medical treatment, even institutionalization, flares up in full bloom constantly, or periodically in times of stress. More of these tend towards bulimic behaviors, I believe. They go through cycles of binging/purging throughout their lives, and have become addicted to secret-keeping, thus making them expert liars. They are generally comorbid with OCD, BPD (borderline, not bipolar, and much much worse than bipolar), NPD, ASPD, severe depression, anxiety disorders, etc. It is very common for this type to show several disorder symptoms.

These types are particularly dangerous to men in relationships, as they fall in and out of love quickly (binging/purging), lie fluidly and compulsively, are highly prone to infidelity and worst of all, are expert at hiding their disorder until the guy is on the hook. The last woman you want in your life is an undiagnosed, untreated BPD.

Thanks, servedcold!

I definitely had the second type you described. Anorexia is like alcoholism - you may start eating again but the reasons that lead you to this condition will always haunt you.

While I was in the relationship, I thought certain things were a bit unusual but gave the woman the benefit of the doubt. The unusual stuff just kept piling up and by the end I had to trust my gut feeling or else I was losing my sanity.

I have mixed feelings when I think back at these relationships. Healing normally involves anger, and while it's easy to get angry at someone who lied, it is much tougher to be mad at someone who essentially has a bunch of psychiatric issues.

As for anorexia being the deadliest psychiatric condition, I am not here to bull * * * * . Don't take my word - just start reading a bit more.

I think the term "former anorexic" might be a contradiction in itself but I can't think of any stable and stable anorexic person, whether in my personal life or among the known celebrities.

At times they appear as the most caring and loving people. Other times, they become totally disrespectful and uncaring. Supporting such individuals is extremely difficult. You want to believe that they are essentially generous and caring but there is so much confusion that you lose yourself after a while.

You have done a great job summarizing this. However, I think there are some generalizations. I wouldn't say that everyone with an eating disorder is impulsive and lacks integrity. Impulsiveness and lacking integrity is a completely separate issue from the eating disorder. In the first case you described, the eating disorder comes from a sense of insecurity and peer pressure and feeling like you don't measure up to society's ideals. These women could be anorexic and/or bullimic or even obsessive about exercise. It is societal pressure which fuels the eating disorder and has nothing to do with the trusworthiness of the person...and it can start at any age group, not just adolescents.

In the second case, the eating disorder is really just another symptom of the underlying personality disorder. Personality disorders are about control issues and attention-seeking behaviour. Many of these kind of people are indeed anorexic not just bullimic. Anorexia is more noticeable and that is how these people get noticed. They thrive on the attention of being thin and think that everyone is jealous. They like to show how in control they are so they show it by picking at food instead of eating it, or passing up on food that everyone else is eating. This garners the attention that they so desperately want and the feeling that they are in control over something. I don't know how much bullimia is a factor in these type of people, but most certainly anorexia is prevalent. It is all about their control issues, obssessive behaviours and attention seeking...anorexia is just the medium in which they act out the behaviours characteristic of the personality disorders. I am not so sure about the falling in and out of love quickly and the infidelity issue...again, that is not about the eating disorder, that is about the personality disorder underlying the behaviour and not everyone with the personality disorders cheat or fall in and out of love quickly. I think the issue of falling in and out of love and cheating has to do with attention seeking and neediness which are part of the personality disorder.

I think that these broad generalizations about people with eating disorders being great liars and cheaters is totally unfair. One girl that I know who has been struggling with bulimia for a decade is one of the most sincere and honest people I know. She hides her eating disorder from a lot of people, but I think that's understandable.

As for being an "attention seeker", that couldn't be further from the truth in her case, and I'm sure that a lot of people have the same mindset as her. I think she feels as if she doesn't want to place any burden on anyone.

Just my $0.02

In all three cases, one fight after a few months of dating and it was over. I have no doubt that they actually fell for me. But the way they changed their mind truly scares me.

I've dated quite a few women like this. I've dated women who have had eating disorders (about 4), who have been raped (2), who witnessed a murder(1), who were in a 12 step recovery program(3), and who were abused in some way(can't recall). No, I'm not a whack job - I'm a white dude who grew up in suburbia. These issues do not discriminate by ethnicity, race, religion, class, etc., and these girls were not too different than me - they weren't branded on there forehead, but they clearly had some deep rooted issues.

At the time, they appeared stable, however, an eating disorder is a disease, just like drug addiction, just like alcoholism. In cases of rape and abuse, the painful memories linger with you and PTSD is present. At the time I cared enough about them, willingfully worked thru some tough times that they had, but for the girls that I specifically dated and had experience with, they never truly resolved their issues - many people carry old baggage with them THROUGHOUT life, but you don't really know this, or who it is, or if there is baggage even there.

I've also dated a girl where after our first fight, 9 months into dating, she proclaimed 'things aren't perfect anymore' and we broke up shortly after that. She was a size 0 who kept thinking she was fat.

I'm not sure what to tell you. Sometimes there are unresolved issues. Sometimes they are still working through things, trying to figure it all out, trying to figure themselves out, making progress yet regressing. You would need to have some sort of a very strong bond or connection to really stick together through such tough times.

Not everyone is emotionally and mentally stable to have a deep, meaningful, serious relationship with others - or maybe they are, but are only capable of doing so with others who are just like them (compatibility or connection - or facetiously 'just as messed up').

I've always wondered how I've ended up with so many girls like this (dating wise). My biggest issue in grade school was being teased for having fake Nikes in 4th grade, then had my gym shorts yanked down in front of all the girls by a buddy in 6th grade. Sure I had 'normal' kid issues, but never anything traumatic or serious which scarred me.

Sometimes I wonder how I've ended up with so many crazies. Don't get me wrong - good girls, but they had issues. I'm not perfect, but man, I don't have lingering, unresolved issues or major problems. Guess it was physical attraction, or maybe I was attracted to some sort of problem that needed fixing (her) and she was attracted to something which as stable (me). Either way, didn't last too long.

I agree that you shouldn't generalize, however, eating disorders among other issues are serious in nature - and in my experience, it is hardly just a single issue but rather a few that are present.

Generalizations are just that, granted. It is a fact, however, that bulimia is comorbid with other personality disorders in at least 60% of the cases. Your friend (someguy's) sounds like one of the 40%. Go to the message boards at link removed to read about the horrible damage people with personality disorders do to those close to them. Most of the worst stories on ENA pale in comparison. The comorbid disorders are devastating precisely because the disordered are expert at hiding their illness until involved in marriage with children or in long-term relationships. And though the topic is about eating disorders, suffered more by women, all of the personality disorders are seen in men also.

It is easy to give them a pass because they are "ill." However, most of these people know something is deeply wrong with them, yet make a cognizant choice to inflict on others rather than seek help. You can argue that such a choice is also tainted by the illness, and that is perhaps a valid point. I choose to hold them at least partially accountable for their actions, as we all have baggage, yet most of us don't choose to allow it to navigate our lives.

A relationship with a diagnosed and previously institutionalized bulimic/OCD/codependent/anxiety disordered woman who was also I believe an undiagnosed BPD/HPD/NPD is what brought me here to ENA, and I can say that the only good thing carried away from that relationship was becoming familiar with this resource.

If someone discloses a disorder to me going forward, and is honestly seeking treatment. I would consider a relationship is possible. Undiagnosed and untreated, run run run like the wind from these people. They literally destroy lives, and there are more of them out and about in the single world than I like to think about.

Servedcold and poloplayer, your feedback is very interesting.

While there is quite a bit of comorbidity between anorexics and bulimics, the personality traits are often quite different.

Ultimately these women need help and they view us as generous and reliable guys that make them feel good. Inevitably the relationship sinks into troubled waters pretty quickly and the only motivation for an ill woman to stay with the man is her incredible urge to have a child. If there's no child then you're quickly game over.

I've been holding them partially accountable for the damage they've caused but ultimately this hasn't made me feel any better. They are ill so trying to make sense of it is an impossible task. It's a lose-lose situation all around.

I know this is an emotional debate as we've all loved someone who was mentally ill. However, when a caring friend who has witnessed hundreds of cases in her career mentions that these people should be avoided, I must take that as an objective recommendation. That is a very opinionated position and one that shouldn't be taken lightly.

I had an eating disorder (anorexia as well) when I was younger. Fortunately, I am recovered and healed and very healthy (and have been fortunately for 6 or 7 years now!). My anorexia was triggered by depression after some very tough events at that period in my life (not because it was trendy or because I felt fat...it was truly about feeling out of control and trying to regain some control in my life).

I would say it no longer affects me, but I will say you can't ignore the history either. Just like with other addictions, you need to learn to know the symptoms and know your triggers. It is always going to be "part" of me, but it is part of my past.

If one is getting help - or HAS gone through recovery - I think they can actually be very good partners (I would definitely say my anorexic past does not affect my relationship) as anyone whom has not had it can be - but if they are not going for help, not recovered....it is going to be VERY difficult for them to be a healthy, independent partner as they really ARE consumed by the disease.

Those in the depths of it are so consumed they lose touch with reality - not sure what lies you are talking of, but for some these may be really believed by themselves. They may have other disorders. They may lie to hide their shame. They may learn to lie because they hate whom they really are.

I will say someone in the midst of the disease (as opposed to one whom is recovered or healing) can not be a good partner because their "true love" at the time is their anorexia. As odd as it sounds, when you are in it...you want to be left alone with it and not have to confront it. It is so hard to explain to someone whom has not lived it though.

I was not a good partner when I suffered it. I did not lie, I was not cruel or selfish....but I was not healthy and independent, and that affected things.

But that does not mean that someone whom was anorexic in their past CANNOT be a good partner. Not to brag, but I am pretty awesome LOL

It all depends on the person themselves, and the underlying reasons for their anorexia (because it really is symptomatic of something else in most cases).

ent.

 

Ultimately these women need help and they view us as generous and reliable guys that make them feel good. Inevitably the relationship sinks into troubled waters pretty quickly and the only motivation for an ill woman to stay with the man is her incredible urge to have a child. If there's no child then you're quickly game over.

 

C'mon dude. Do you really believe this to be the truth?

I think that these broad generalizations about people with eating disorders being great liars and cheaters is totally unfair. One girl that I know who has been struggling with bulimia for a decade is one of the most sincere and honest people I know. She hides her eating disorder from a lot of people, but I think that's understandable.

 

As for being an "attention seeker", that couldn't be further from the truth in her case, and I'm sure that a lot of people have the same mindset as her. I think she feels as if she doesn't want to place any burden on anyone.

 

Just my $0.02

I was actually referring to attention-seeking behaviour in those with underlying personality disorders..not as a general characteristic of people with eating disorders. Lots of people with eating disorders are not looking for attention....certainly bullimia is the hidden one so I agree that it is not an attention-seeking behaviour.

I would not say anorexia is about attention seeking - when I was anorexic it was really a mission to "non existence". I was ashamed, I did not want people to think I was and if someone made mention that I was I was ashamed and guilty.

Instead of being needy - I distanced myself away. So that me, and the disease, could be alone.

There is a control issue there, but it's not one that I was public about.

I am not saying some aren't this way, but I think most anorexics I have known are actually more ashamed than anything because the disease controls THEM.

Your first case is a bit more in line with my own experience though - but it was not due to peer pressure (and definitely was not about impulsiveness as you were right to point out it isn't!). I also consider myself a person of great integrity.

My anorexia was fueled by depression, by feeling under pressure of perfection, by certain events in my life, by truly wanting to "disappear" as opposed to wanting to stand out or fit in.

Certainly was not about integrity or disregard for those in my life, it was by compassion and love for those in my life being concerned that had me get help.

Don't take me wrong, I had an awesome time with the women I mentioned. They were great partners and they were very stable - while it last.

In retrospect, when they had a crush on me they REALLY had a crush on me. I was their everything. But as soon as we had some issues, suddenly they contradicted themselves on just about everything.

I get the impression anorexics aren't ever themselves. They are constantly wondering what others want them to do - and they give it to you perfectly. There is no better lover than a woman with an anorexic past but watch out when things become challenging. You can trust they will disappear.

It's right to say that one should stay away from affairs because one will get hurt. I think the principle applies even more to people with an eating disorder. You want to love them but sooner or later they'll let you down for a reason that would be trivial to most stable individuals.

No one gets as much attention as the person who disappears.

C'mon dude. Do you really believe this to be the truth?

I am happy to be proven otherwise...

I was actually referring to attention-seeking behaviour in those with underlying personality disorders..not as a general characteristic of people with eating disorders. Lots of people with eating disorders are not looking for attention....certainly bullimia is the hidden one so I agree that it is not an attention-seeking behaviour.

my bad for misunderstanding. ;D

I am happy to be proven otherwise...

Well, I guess we can only speak for own experiences. The woman I know doesn't want to have kids period because she understands that she's ill and doesn't want to risk putting a burden on a child.

Um, I disagree with your comment on that if they have a past they will disappear when things are challenging. I am very loyal, faithful and committed to my partner. Things have been challenging for us due to various things in the last year or so and I have NO desire to leave or run away.

We have worked together through many issues together and I have never "contradicted myself" on them.

My anorexic PAST does not make me instable. I received help, recovered, healed and now I also know who I am, what I am, and am not the least bit ashamed of who I am and won't change myself just to "be loved".

Before my current partner (we have been together over three years and live together) I was with my late boyfriend for 5 years...also troubling times we got through and the only reason that ended was because he passed away.

It sounds to me like your issue is more you find very insecure women and are flattered by them making you their "everything". Of course people whom do that tend to be more into the "idea" of love than the work of love.

There are many women in the world - former anorexic or not - whom are independent, strong, faithful, loving women. Of course, they may not make you their "everything" because of this independence and that may be why you are not as drawn to them.

With regard to attention-seeking, I was really referring to those people who have underlying personality disorders which are at the root of the anorexia. I know somebody else who I believe is anorexic (every time I see her she looks more and more like she is wasting away). I know with her it has nothing to do with attention-seeking, I believe there are other issues going on in her life that may have resulted in a depression.

I actually agree with you. I think there's quite a bit of correlation between eating disorders and the various symptoms that you described. This doesn't mean that YOU cannot be different, and I wish you all the best.

May I ask you the question that kills?

Would you like to have a child in the next couple of years?

I agree with this. It sounds to me like the anorexic women you are talking about were those with major personality issues, neediness and insecurity issues. Maybe you were drawn to that kind of personality and they just happened to have been anorexic at one point in their life. I also would take what that psychologist said with a grain of salt. Psychologists don't know everything about everything and plenty of them have steered people wrong or misunderstood the issues of people or couples who have sought their help. They are human like everyone else and they have their own biases like everyone else.

When I was down about my career not going anywhere I had a psychologist tell me that I should lower my standards. Good thing I didn't listen to those "words of wisdom".

I actually agree with you. I think there's quite a bit of correlation between eating disorders and the various symptoms that you described. This doesn't mean that YOU cannot be different, and I wish you all the best.

 

May I ask you the question that kills?

 

Would you like to have a child in the next couple of years?

Not "entirely sure" what this has to do with it but will answer anyway

No - I do want children at "some point" but not for a while (and do not feel ready at this stage in my life either!). I went back to school last year and so am focused on finishing my grad program, and then starting my new career direction.

That, and I want to enjoy it being just us for quite a while longer yet!

I would say children are in the future, but no immediacy - and while my partner I both want children we are in no rush (and not worried about infertility as get older - there is always adoption!).