Is this all you get?

Pegasus · 12-07-2007, 12:25 PM

First, I have to say that I have a lot of relatives but of course - I have favorites - one of my aunts and her husband. They are both 60+ and they have been married for 43 years.

In my country it's common when people meet to dring socially. Since we make our own wine, that's what we drink. So, her husband likes to drink 2-3 glasses of this light wine when socializing with my family and other which is totally acceptable. He's not drunk or anything. But she keeps being annoying and always is controlling how much he drinks. When he drink like one glass she stand's up from the table and wants to go home. That's really irritating - especially to him. That's how it's been their whole marriage - 43 years.

So I talked to my father about it and he told me one thing - "he (aunt's husband) is happiest when he goes to the seaside with my father and other male relatives to "rest" from his wife".

Another thing - her husband is totally nice guy. Even maybe a bit doormat and he never gets totally angry at her.

I know that my post is pretty unorgranized but here's the question - "Is that really what marriage becomes after years of being together?". Is that all you get in the end? Running from your annoying wife to have some good time and to rest?

Snoopy24 · 12-07-2007, 12:39 PM

No. Every relationship is different.

My grandparents on my moms side hardly left home and they watched a lot of tv, cuddled like they were teenagers, and hardly ever fought. They were so madly in love, that when my grandpa died, my grandma died a month later from being so distraught from his death.

On the other hand..my grandparents on my dads side, always fought. and acted like they couldn't stand each other. When my grandma died my grandpa remarried almost a two weeks later.

desertsoul · 12-07-2007, 12:58 PM

I would say that unhappy marriages are much louder than happy ones. You just naturally pay more attention to the folks who complain and yell and fight than the ones who quietly coexist and have a satisfying life together. Some marriages end up like the one you describe, but from my interaction with older married couples, I would say that marriages that last tend to be much more positive.

JeckyllNHyde · 12-07-2007, 01:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Snoopy24

No. Every relationship is different.

My grandparents on my moms side hardly left home and they watched a lot of tv, cuddled like they were teenagers, and hardly ever fought. They were so madly in love, that when my grandpa died, my grandma died a month later from being so distraught from his death.

On the other hand..my grandparents on my dads side, always fought. and acted like they couldn't stand each other. When my grandma died my grandpa remarried almost a two weeks later.

awww....that is one of the

saddest yet most beautifull things I ever heard...

RayKay · 12-07-2007, 02:41 PM

You said yourself it has ALWAYS been this way for them.

So even their marriage did not BECOME this way....

The lesson to take from this is not to be bitter about marriage, but to be careful about whom you choose as your partner. If they annoy you now or have habits that frustrate you now.....they are going to be just as bad in 43 years!

That being said; as individuals in a relationship I also think having your own time apart is really beneficial...makes you appreciate one another more but also is important for your own personal growth. In healthy relationships you are able to support this in one another.

need2bme · 12-10-2007, 07:34 PM

Quote:

I know that my post is pretty unorgranized but here's the question - "Is that really what marriage becomes after years of being together?". Is that all you get in the end? Running from your annoying wife to have some good time and to rest?

I had this very conversation with a friend and my sister. To me, my GFs have always been my best friend. I don't understand why they cannot be the one you want to spend most of your time with.

If I see something funy, I want to share it with my best friend. If I have a good day, I want to share it with my best friend. If my best friend hurts, I want to hear about it.

I don't understand guys that think they have to get away from their wives.

I do understand RayKay's point though...

I have heard it described as, "you have to bring something to the table, you have to have a life to bring".

Fritz The Cat · 12-10-2007, 07:55 PM

Relationships can be addictive. Some people find it almost impossible to leave one without help. This has nothing to do with love. I'm not sure exactly what it is, maybe emotional cocaine or something.

JadedStar · 12-10-2007, 08:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pegasus

First, I have to say that I have a lot of relatives but of course - I have favorites - one of my aunts and her husband. They are both 60+ and they have been married for 43 years.

In my country it's common when people meet to dring socially. Since we make our own wine, that's what we drink. So, her husband likes to drink 2-3 glasses of this light wine when socializing with my family and other which is totally acceptable. He's not drunk or anything. But she keeps being annoying and always is controlling how much he drinks. When he drink like one glass she stand's up from the table and wants to go home. That's really irritating - especially to him. That's how it's been their whole marriage - 43 years.

So I talked to my father about it and he told me one thing - "he (aunt's husband) is happiest when he goes to the seaside with my father and other male relatives to "rest" from his wife".

Another thing - her husband is totally nice guy. Even maybe a bit doormat and he never gets totally angry at her.

I know that my post is pretty unorgranized but here's the question - "Is that really what marriage becomes after years of being together?". Is that all you get in the end? Running from your annoying wife to have some good time and to rest?

You have to realize that every couple who lasts a good amount of time like this couple DO have needs being met. That does not mean they don't get aggravated wtih how it is sometimes but I bet your uncle still has some need that is met by her.....you say he is kind of a doormat. There are a lot of men who do like a woman to take the lead and they develop almost a parent/child realtionship over time. I would not feel too sorry for him, i bet that this marriage serves his needs well even tho it is hard for you to understand becuase you do not have that type of personality.

So no, this is not necessarily what marriage becomes. What the marriage evolves into is determined 100% on the two personalities involved and if it lasts a long time you can bet needs are being met on both sides even if on the surface it looks very precarious.

I have an uncle EXACTLY like this and he has revealed many times that if she dies he doesn't think he can go on living...despite how controlling and nagging she seems, he needs and loves her. We don't understand it, but since we are not in the marriage it is not for us to understand.

StretchGee · 12-11-2007, 07:12 AM

Maybe he is a martyr type. Maybe she limits him and that is what he needs. As JS said, needs are likely being met even if they are subconscious.

StretchGee · 12-11-2007, 07:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RayKay

The lesson to take from this is not to be bitter about marriage, but to be careful about whom you choose as your partner. If they annoy you now or have habits that frustrate you now.....they are going to be just as bad in 43 years!

Perhaps this uncle values commitment above all else. Yes, choice is important, but people do change. What then? What if you had to choose a car or a house to live in for the next 50 years. Is it even possible to be happy with that choice? For many on this board, 43 years is a lifetime, literally.

Of course cars and houses don’t change over time. People do. The trick is to grow together, but that has little to do with the initial choice, or at least I think requires a bit of luck. Sometimes (often?) people grow more apart. Sometimes people grow more together. Again it is a personal value to choose to grow in the right direction…perhaps that is the value to look for in a choice of mate.

Pegasus: In the end, I think it is what you make of it. Is your uncle happy?

12-07-2007, 12:25 PM	#1
Pegasus Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Gender: Male Posts: 1,576	Is this all you get? First, I have to say that I have a lot of relatives but of course - I have favorites - one of my aunts and her husband. They are both 60+ and they have been married for 43 years. In my country it's common when people meet to dring socially. Since we make our own wine, that's what we drink. So, her husband likes to drink 2-3 glasses of this light wine when socializing with my family and other which is totally acceptable. He's not drunk or anything. But she keeps being annoying and always is controlling how much he drinks. When he drink like one glass she stand's up from the table and wants to go home. That's really irritating - especially to him. That's how it's been their whole marriage - 43 years. So I talked to my father about it and he told me one thing - "he (aunt's husband) is happiest when he goes to the seaside with my father and other male relatives to "rest" from his wife". Another thing - her husband is totally nice guy. Even maybe a bit doormat and he never gets totally angry at her. I know that my post is pretty unorgranized but here's the question - "Is that really what marriage becomes after years of being together?". Is that all you get in the end? Running from your annoying wife to have some good time and to rest? __________________ "Look at the leaders we've followed Look at the lies we've swallowed And I don't want to hear no more" Civil War by Guns N' Roses

12-07-2007, 02:41 PM	#5
RayKay Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Middle of Canada Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 13,270	You said yourself it has ALWAYS been this way for them. So even their marriage did not BECOME this way.... The lesson to take from this is not to be bitter about marriage, but to be careful about whom you choose as your partner. If they annoy you now or have habits that frustrate you now.....they are going to be just as bad in 43 years! That being said; as individuals in a relationship I also think having your own time apart is really beneficial...makes you appreciate one another more but also is important for your own personal growth. In healthy relationships you are able to support this in one another. __________________ [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]<--- [COLOR=sienna]Carbun the Super-Bunny[/COLOR][/B][/COLOR][/FONT] [B][FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=#556b2f][/COLOR][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]At the end of the day, how you imprinted on someones life and heart is the only true mark any of us leave on this earth and is what we are most proud of... [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- My Biggest Hero and Mentor: My Mum.[/SIZE][/I] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=orange][B]Il faut d'abord durer [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- Ernest Hemingway[/SIZE][/I]

12-10-2007, 07:55 PM	#7
Fritz The Cat Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: The United States of Gawgia Gender: Male Posts: 75	Relationships can be addictive. Some people find it almost impossible to leave one without help. This has nothing to do with love. I'm not sure exactly what it is, maybe emotional cocaine or something. __________________ "And so you see I have come to doubt All that I once held as true I stand alone without beliefs The only truth I know Is you." Simon & Garfunkel

12-07-2007, 12:39 PM	#2
Snoopy24 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: New York Gender: Female Posts: 1,621	No. Every relationship is different. My grandparents on my moms side hardly left home and they watched a lot of tv, cuddled like they were teenagers, and hardly ever fought. They were so madly in love, that when my grandpa died, my grandma died a month later from being so distraught from his death. On the other hand..my grandparents on my dads side, always fought. and acted like they couldn't stand each other. When my grandma died my grandpa remarried almost a two weeks later.

12-07-2007, 12:58 PM	#3
desertsoul Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: West Virginia Gender: Male Age: 25 Posts: 125	I would say that unhappy marriages are much louder than happy ones. You just naturally pay more attention to the folks who complain and yell and fight than the ones who quietly coexist and have a satisfying life together. Some marriages end up like the one you describe, but from my interaction with older married couples, I would say that marriages that last tend to be much more positive.

12-11-2007, 07:12 AM	#9
StretchGee Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: USA Gender: Male Age: 44 Posts: 681	Maybe he is a martyr type. Maybe she limits him and that is what he needs. As JS said, needs are likely being met even if they are subconscious.