Wife seems distant and not engaged in relshp

msucountry · 12-06-2007, 11:26 PM

Wife and I have been married for 6 years and we have two beautiful children. By any account, our life is pretty good. We have great careers, a nice home, yada yada. A part of me has always felt somewhat uneasy about my wife's ability to engage in what I consider to be true intimacy. She is, hmmm.. how to put this, matter of fact in her manner and someone who takes pride in staying organized and on top of things, qualities that I love about her. If you were to ask her, she'd say that she loves me and our family and so on.

Compared to her, I tend to be more attuned to the emotional / intimate dimension of our relationship. I too appreciate the importance of maintaining the household, and staying on top of life's demands, but I also see our marriage as much more than merely an arrangement. I love her; I feel that special spark for her; in addition to liking her as a person, I am very sexually drawn to her. And naturally, I tend to very sensitive about whether she is on the same wavelength in terms of her having these feelings for me. I guess that on a philosophical level I believe these more chemistry-oriented elements are vital to a marriage - and I refuse to remain in a relationship that has been reduced to a living arrangement. Its in the little things. When I come home at night, she has usually fallen asleep. When she puts our children to bed, she will often allow herself to fall asleep in their beds, and will stay there - as opposed to being motivated to return to our bedroom to share some intimate time with me. Now, before I sound to unreasonable, let me say that I appreciate how all of us become tired from time to time and do not expect her or anyone to be poised for romance at every moment I am. But, you all know what I mean... how differently so many situations turn out when one person really "wants" the other - and how this desire will cause people to behave very differently than she otherwise would, how when faced with the choice of falling asleep versus spending alone time together, being "in love" can cause someone who is very tired to feel very awake.

I just don't feel these things from her. In subtle ways, she rarely seems to take advantage of opportunities to convey feelings of desire and attraction to me. When I ask her she claims that its just "who she is" and that she deeply loves me and wants nothing more than to be with me. I'm left feeling like I don't believe her in part and that deep-down she probably does know that certain feelings for me have dried up, and also that there probably is some truth in the fact that this is just her personality.

Whether its one, the other, or some of both, I am left feeling much of the time like I am in an imbalanced relationship - one in which I want her (at least in certain ways) more than she wants me. I am not interested in remaining in that.

And yet, there is so much at stake if we contemplated divorce, regrarding the household, kids, etc.

It leaves me feeling perplexed.

**annie24** · 12-06-2007, 11:33 PM

welcome to enotalone - has your relationship always been like this, or has the intimacy tapered off the last few years? on some level, you liked this aloofness about her, because you married her. But now it is not a quality you like so much.

msucountry · 12-07-2007, 12:16 AM

Yes, you are right about a part of me liking this quality. But it has definitely tapered over the years. Even though I recognize that her personality limits her ability to speak my language in this way, it has definitely diminished over the years. The difficult part is that for some reason my interest in her and attraction to her has recently intensified.

StretchGee · 12-07-2007, 09:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by msucountry

he difficult part is that for some reason my interest in her and attraction to her has recently intensified.

Likely because she appears to be pulling away. That is the nature of attraction – that it builds when the object of our desire is less available.

Can you try that with your wife? Paradoxically, if you pull away she may pursue.

msucountry · 12-07-2007, 06:59 PM

Yes, I totally agree - how it is simply a reality that attraction tends to grow when the thing (or person) can't be easily conquered. How do I do this though? How, in a marriage, where one would hope these games aren't so much at play, do I reverse this tension? Especially when I am pretty worn down at this point by having to think about these issues with, of all people, my wife. We were recently pseudo-separated and I was able to get a taste (in another relationship that barely got off of the ground, and of which she is aware) of how different life can be when you are with someone who adores, respects, and desires you - just because she is that fascinated with who you are. It's really quite amazing. My wife claims that she loves me and wants nothing more than for us to stay together, but can I ever hope that she will make me feel this? And perhaps most painful, she doesn't even seem willing to be that generous in her emotionality and intimacy with me. So... I should try and force my mind to regress back to high school and figure out how to play cat and mouse?

oliver · 04-10-2008, 02:33 PM

msucountry, I was just searching through the posts and came across yours. I am in an almost identical position. My wife and I have been married for 4 years and we have a 3 year old daughter.
I have always been the more affectionate one in the relationship but for the last few years my wifes enthusiasm has definiately waned. She too claims to love me, but she rarely (if ever) takes *any* initiative to show it....I actually have to ask for a hug most of the time. If I don't (I've gone weeks), no hugs or physical affection. Sex is infrequent and when it happens, it's hit or miss.

The thing is, I'm actually falling into what could best be described as clinical depression over this, and I find myself needing constant verbal reassurance from my wife that she still cares. She claims to love me but says that she is busy...that being said, she constantly goes out of her way to make plans to see friends (male and female) while I am lucky if any date I plan with her doesn't get canceled by her for whatever reason. It hurts tremendously. I fell like I'm going crazy.

I'm getting a bit desperate. If it weren't for my daughter I would have left a long time ago. I may still have to, but the thought of separating my daily life from my daughter is virtually impossible to even contemplate. I'd sooner cut off my arm.

Did you ever find a resolution to your dilemma? Did anything help?

~Enigmatika~ · 04-12-2008, 01:48 AM

Quote:

We were recently pseudo-separated and I was able to get a taste (in another relationship that barely got off of the ground, and of which she is aware) of how different life can be when you are with someone who adores, respects, and desires you - just because she is that fascinated with who you are. It's really quite amazing. My wife claims that she loves me and wants nothing more than for us to stay together, but can I ever hope that she will make me feel this?

In essence...you cheated on your wife, and now wonder why she has withdrawn from you?

....
She is still with you....that should answer the question.

Fundamental difference between the sexes:
Men tend to express and receive affirmation of 'Love' through Sex.
Women tend to be somewhat different in this...not all, but many.

Sometimes...myself included, we miss the subtle "hints" ...until, in his male frustration he blasts it out.

Men are sooo illogical.

TELL HER, what you are Feeling. Try to do so without anger. The results may surprise you.

Quote:

I find myself needing constant verbal reassurance from my wife that she still cares.

*ouch*
...Thank you for your post....helps me to understand my wonderful hubby a bit more.

JadedStar · 04-12-2008, 02:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Enigmatika~

In essence...you cheated on your wife, and now wonder why she has withdrawn from you?

....
She is still with you....that should answer the question.

Fundamental difference between the sexes:
Men tend to express and receive affirmation of 'Love' through Sex.
Women tend to be somewhat different in this...not all, but many.

Sometimes...myself included, we miss the subtle "hints" ...until, in his male frustration he blasts it out.

Men are sooo illogical.

TELL HER, what you are Feeling. Try to do so without anger. The results may surprise you.

*ouch*
...Thank you for your post....helps me to understand my wonderful hubby a bit more.

I am not so quick to judge this man. If the wife is giving zero intimacy and falling asleep in the kiddo's beds then she need not think her husband is a machine who should rejuvenate on his own. He needs/wants to be adored. As i am sure she needs/wants as well. I do not think this is something that should be a "want to have" in a relationship. We need this in order to feel energized and loved.

I have been in two marriages that were polar opposite. I have seen a lot of things. one thing I know and have learned is that if a woman is an ice queen and doesn't want or give intimacy then she opens up a can of worms for herslef. Reading his post it does not sound to me like this woman is really doing much to do her share or help with intimacy at all in this relationship. I don't condone what he did seeking it elsewhere, but she isn't getting any pats on the back for a job well done either.

~Enigmatika~ · 04-12-2008, 02:18 AM

Quote:

I am not so quick to judge this man. If the wife is giving zero intimacy and falling asleep in the kiddo's beds then she need not think her husband is a machine who should rejuvenate on his own. He needs/wants to be adored. As i am sure she needs/wants as well. I do not think this is something that should be a "want to have" in a relationship. We need this in order to feel energized and loved.

I have been in two marriages that were polar opposite. I have seen a lot of things. one thing I know and have learned is that if a woman is an ice queen and doesn't want or give intimacy then she opens up a can of worms for herslef. Reading his post it does not sound to me like this woman is really doing much to do her share or help with intimacy at all in this relationship. I don't condone what he did seeking it elsewhere, but she isn't getting any pats on the back for a job well done either.

Was not judging him...however as you pointed out, he did seek fulfillment elsewhere...??? That is dead wrong. In doing so, it simply exacerbates the current problem.

Betrayal will only lead to further distancing from someone that is clearly not as 'needy' of reassurance. What effort further should she expend once she has been betrayed? On what basis? It becomes HIS role to mend that broken line of Trust and Love. She will very carefully engage...if she will at all.

Each couple has their own unique dynamic. Each person within the couple is also unique in their needs/wants/ demands of their partner.

Nobody can hurt you as deeply as the one you Love, wether it be actions or inactions. However ACTIONS of Betrayal...

JadedStar · 04-12-2008, 02:19 AM

Ah but i didn't say i condoned him, I said i am not so quick to judge. Big difference.

Betrayal isn't the only thing that hurts a marriage. Feeling invisible hurts quite a bit as well.

Like I said, this is not about condoning, it is about not judging.

I think some women have ridiculous expectations in their marriage. Sorry, i do, I've seen it in friend's marriages. there are some women who want to be adored yet do nothing of any substance at all to deserve it.

12-06-2007, 11:26 PM	#1
msucountry Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 16	Wife seems distant and not engaged in relshp Wife and I have been married for 6 years and we have two beautiful children. By any account, our life is pretty good. We have great careers, a nice home, yada yada. A part of me has always felt somewhat uneasy about my wife's ability to engage in what I consider to be true intimacy. She is, hmmm.. how to put this, matter of fact in her manner and someone who takes pride in staying organized and on top of things, qualities that I love about her. If you were to ask her, she'd say that she loves me and our family and so on. Compared to her, I tend to be more attuned to the emotional / intimate dimension of our relationship. I too appreciate the importance of maintaining the household, and staying on top of life's demands, but I also see our marriage as much more than merely an arrangement. I love her; I feel that special spark for her; in addition to liking her as a person, I am very sexually drawn to her. And naturally, I tend to very sensitive about whether she is on the same wavelength in terms of her having these feelings for me. I guess that on a philosophical level I believe these more chemistry-oriented elements are vital to a marriage - and I refuse to remain in a relationship that has been reduced to a living arrangement. Its in the little things. When I come home at night, she has usually fallen asleep. When she puts our children to bed, she will often allow herself to fall asleep in their beds, and will stay there - as opposed to being motivated to return to our bedroom to share some intimate time with me. Now, before I sound to unreasonable, let me say that I appreciate how all of us become tired from time to time and do not expect her or anyone to be poised for romance at every moment I am. But, you all know what I mean... how differently so many situations turn out when one person really "wants" the other - and how this desire will cause people to behave very differently than she otherwise would, how when faced with the choice of falling asleep versus spending alone time together, being "in love" can cause someone who is very tired to feel very awake. I just don't feel these things from her. In subtle ways, she rarely seems to take advantage of opportunities to convey feelings of desire and attraction to me. When I ask her she claims that its just "who she is" and that she deeply loves me and wants nothing more than to be with me. I'm left feeling like I don't believe her in part and that deep-down she probably does know that certain feelings for me have dried up, and also that there probably is some truth in the fact that this is just her personality. Whether its one, the other, or some of both, I am left feeling much of the time like I am in an imbalanced relationship - one in which I want her (at least in certain ways) more than she wants me. I am not interested in remaining in that. And yet, there is so much at stake if we contemplated divorce, regrarding the household, kids, etc. It leaves me feeling perplexed.

04-12-2008, 02:19 AM	#10
JadedStar Offline Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: On a star far, far away... Posts: 16,339	Ah but i didn't say i condoned him, I said i am not so quick to judge. Big difference. Betrayal isn't the only thing that hurts a marriage. Feeling invisible hurts quite a bit as well. Like I said, this is not about condoning, it is about not judging. I think some women have ridiculous expectations in their marriage. Sorry, i do, I've seen it in friend's marriages. there are some women who want to be adored yet do nothing of any substance at all to deserve it. Last edited by JadedStar; 04-12-2008 at 02:23 AM.

12-06-2007, 11:33 PM	#2
annie24 Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Oct 2004 Age: 29 Posts: 26,827	welcome to enotalone - has your relationship always been like this, or has the intimacy tapered off the last few years? on some level, you liked this aloofness about her, because you married her. But now it is not a quality you like so much.

12-07-2007, 12:16 AM	#3
msucountry Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 16	Yes, you are right about a part of me liking this quality. But it has definitely tapered over the years. Even though I recognize that her personality limits her ability to speak my language in this way, it has definitely diminished over the years. The difficult part is that for some reason my interest in her and attraction to her has recently intensified.

12-07-2007, 06:59 PM	#5
msucountry Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 16	Yes, I totally agree - how it is simply a reality that attraction tends to grow when the thing (or person) can't be easily conquered. How do I do this though? How, in a marriage, where one would hope these games aren't so much at play, do I reverse this tension? Especially when I am pretty worn down at this point by having to think about these issues with, of all people, my wife. We were recently pseudo-separated and I was able to get a taste (in another relationship that barely got off of the ground, and of which she is aware) of how different life can be when you are with someone who adores, respects, and desires you - just because she is that fascinated with who you are. It's really quite amazing. My wife claims that she loves me and wants nothing more than for us to stay together, but can I ever hope that she will make me feel this? And perhaps most painful, she doesn't even seem willing to be that generous in her emotionality and intimacy with me. So... I should try and force my mind to regress back to high school and figure out how to play cat and mouse?

04-10-2008, 02:33 PM	#6
oliver Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 1	msucountry, I was just searching through the posts and came across yours. I am in an almost identical position. My wife and I have been married for 4 years and we have a 3 year old daughter. I have always been the more affectionate one in the relationship but for the last few years my wifes enthusiasm has definiately waned. She too claims to love me, but she rarely (if ever) takes any initiative to show it....I actually have to ask for a hug most of the time. If I don't (I've gone weeks), no hugs or physical affection. Sex is infrequent and when it happens, it's hit or miss. The thing is, I'm actually falling into what could best be described as clinical depression over this, and I find myself needing constant verbal reassurance from my wife that she still cares. She claims to love me but says that she is busy...that being said, she constantly goes out of her way to make plans to see friends (male and female) while I am lucky if any date I plan with her doesn't get canceled by her for whatever reason. It hurts tremendously. I fell like I'm going crazy. I'm getting a bit desperate. If it weren't for my daughter I would have left a long time ago. I may still have to, but the thought of separating my daily life from my daughter is virtually impossible to even contemplate. I'd sooner cut off my arm. Did you ever find a resolution to your dilemma? Did anything help?