My parents are driving me nuts!

[ally87]

---WARNING: Long thread----

First off, I'm 20 year old and I'm still being treated like a baby and my parents are trying to idealize me by telling other people that I'm going to become a psychologist, bla bla. Something I'm not considering to become, I'm just taking first year Psychology to develop a basis for education. Want to become a life coach or maybe something within fashion, I'm not sure. My mom doesn't want me to settle for an undergraduate degree. She says that I'm still young, and that 5 more years of education before I settle down is good for me. Yeah, you mean good for THEM. There's no chance in h*** I'm going to spend 1/3 of my life studying. I admire academics but I'm not that type of person to study for several years. Anyway, she says high education is good for me because my opportunities will widen and I will become successful. Of course it will but it's not THE only way to becoming successful.

My mom runs a successful travel agency and she doesn't even have a Bachelor's degree. She quit after her 2nd year in University because she got pregnant with my dad.

The worst part is that my parents are Roman Catholic Filipinos. They're not that conservative, I'm allowed to party and drink (moderately). It's just that they don't believe in sex before marriage (of course). Too bad because I lost my virginity 4 years ago, and I've had a couple of sexual encounters in the past + I've been steadily dating a wonderful man for 1 whole year.

She has never been open about sex. I found out about sex when i was younger through magazines, television, school etc. I learned about safe sex and all that. I don't think they've ever sat down with me and talked about sex. And I don't think I will ever want to do that. I can't talk with my parents about sex, boys, parties, because they'll go like:"is he your boyfriend?" (when I mention a guy-friend). They can't even say the word "SEX" without blushing or kidding around. They say I have to be careful at parties and not accept drinks from strangers (well, duh). You know, things like that.

My sister and I have never had a close relationship to my parents- more on a shallow level though (we can kid around and talk about religion etc.) It's impossible to talk with my mom about deeper issues. I tried talking to her about the girls my boyfriend dated before and all she could say was:"oh, she's half Thai and white? oh I bet she's beautiful! not to mention Iranian girls. They're pretty." Thanks a lot, mom. That was the last time I ever tried talking about girl-stuff with her.

Plus, they think moving in with someone before marriage is "ugly" and "wrong", well that's because they don't belive in sex before in marriage. My dad also once said that my future is ruined if I'm seriously committed to the guy I'm dating. What's so irritating is that they think serious relationship= pregnancy. And that it will ruin my education. I'm mean, helloo, we have birth control pills, condoms etc. in this 21st century. I have very young friends who aren't married but have kids, but that's because they want kids! I don't want kids yet. If I accidentally get pregnant (which is unlikely because we are very careful), I will take an aborton (sorry folks, if you're against abortion). I want to experience life without dragging with me kids.

My mom says that I'm too young to have sex, or she calls it "doing stuff". I'm mean, whaaaat.... it's natural in our western world to lose our virginity at this age. She says that I have to be wise and not "do stuff" with my current boyfriend, and not let my heart take over.

She says that my bf and I are just infatuated with each other and this will pass and we'll eventually break up. This makes me furious! How dare she say something like that?? my bf and i know this is the real thing. we've been through ups and downs, experienced each other's "bad" sides, but we still love each other and are determined to experience and live our lives together. Not just as a romantic couple, but a team too. but my parents will never understand. i can't believe she's saying that this will pass. she has no respect for me and my boyfriend whatsoever. I told my bf about my parents before he met them so he's always been cautious when visiting me when they were there (before I moved out of course). he's been on a couple of visits, but he says he feels unwanted due to their view on my relationship with him. There's nothing personal against my bf. My parents haven't said anything negative about him. They're talking about me.

I moved out of their home a couple months ago and they disapproved of it. Mom was like:" I bet you're only doing this to spend time with your boyfriend!", and now when I leave a family gathering a bit early because I'm tired she says: "oh i bet, your boyfriend is at home waiting for you". What the heck!? I'm just freaking tired and want to go home and sleep!!!

What really pisses me off is that she treats me like a baby when I'm 20. I remember how happy I was when i turned 18, thinking my parents would let me think for myself, but they thought this "finally legal age" was silly. They still chuckle and get angry when i say I'm 20 and have the right to choose whatever i choose to do. I've never raised my voice even though I'm irritated by their narrow-minded behaviour. I feel they still have me wrapped around their finger even though I'm against what they're trying to "teach" me. I can think for myself, I'm old enough. So sick of these conservative Filipino "values".

I feel I can't grow as a person. i feel so trapped. I feel they still have control over me.

My boyfriend and I love each other very much and are planning on moving in together in about a year. I'm so afraid of how my parents would react. My parents have clearly said that's it's wrong to move in together before marriage. My bf and I know we'll marry someday- planning on doing so in about 3 years. But we want to live together before that because we love spending time together- we're a great match. We also have plans on moving abroad for a couple of months and travel around the world before we settle down. we plan on having babies when we're 26. We're quite serious about each other. My parent's won't understand this kind of love my bf and I have for each other- a love relationship with free expression- we make love, kiss, cuddle without having screaming babies in the background. They've only been each other only's, and they weren't even allowed to kiss or date alone when they were younger (very strict Roman Catholic community in the Philippines at that time). So when my dad finally propose, they ran away and they had sex for the first time, mom got pregnant and they kept the baby.

Parent's don't always know what's best for their child. atleast NOT my parents. they haven't experienced the deep love and commitment my bf and I have for each other. I feel disrespected by them. I need them to respect me before I can respect them, and vice versa. I've held everything in about my emotions and opinions from them all my teenage life; never raised my voice, been rude towards them. and it makes me sad that they don't respect me and my decisions.

But I'm still a bit "weak" for them because I'm their little girl. I feel that if I do the opposite I'll "lose" them and this safety net. But I need to grow up on my own. I have to experience life on my own in order to grow. I don't want to grow into something that's based on their premises. And especially if i know this isn't the right for me.

They always manipulate and belittle me. I'm so sick of this.

why should I care if it's "ugly" to move in with someone I love with all my heart before we marry? it's none of their business. it's none of Catholic people's business, or Filipinos' business, or any other people's business for that matter. I just want to live my life the way I know and feel is right for me! s**ew what other people think, this is MY life.

So how do I tackle my parents when my boyfriend and I are moving in together? Please help, I need advice.

[bpsekh]

Sorry to say, but I sort of agree with your parents because I have similar beliefs regarding pre-marital sex. However, I am neither Filipino nor Roman Catholic (nor even Christian) for that matter. This is definitely a case of different cultures conflicting with one another, and you won't find an easy solution.

In our modern age, people will tell you that you should do as you please as an individual. I suppose on those grounds, you can do as you like. The only advice I can offer to you is just be sure to handle this part of your life responsibly.

[ally87]

Originally Posted by bpsekh

Sorry to say, but I sort of agree with your parents because I have similar beliefs regarding pre-marital sex. However, I am neither Filipino nor Roman Catholic (nor even Christian) for that matter. This is definitely a case of different cultures conflicting with one another, and you won't find an easy solution.

In our modern age, people will tell you that you should do as you please as an individual. I suppose on those grounds, you can do as you like. The only advice I can offer to you is just be sure to handle this part of your life responsibly.

And I fully respect your beliefs. I'm just dissappointed that they can't trust my judgments and me as a grown person. It's almost like an insult.

So do you think you have to please your parents regarding this? What if it makes you miserable?

Thank you.

[Lana0120]

Your parents obviously love you very much and don't want you to make the same mistakes that they made, even if given the choice, they probably would have lived their life differently. Undoubtedly, your mother regrets her missed education which is why she is pushing you so much. It's wrong of her to do that, as it's your life. All you can do is just continue to do what you're doing, live life the way you want to do and be firm with your parents. Also, choose your battles.

[Hope75]

Are you living at home still?

Maybe the first thing you need to consider if you don't want to be living under your parents' thumb is finding a place of your own.

I know you feel like at 20 you are adult and worldly and having been with your bf for a year you think it is forever and maybe it is, but your parents have a lot of life experience to offer you and they may be onto something when they say you may not last with him. You are both quite young, your relationship hasn't been that long, and you both will go through some very significant changes in your twenties and you may find that in a year, two years, 3 years, 5 years that this is not the relationship for you. I'm not saying that will definitely happen, but i my experience at your age that is more likely than not to happen.

As far as sex goes, some parents are just not that comfortable talking with their kids about sex. Particularly the details of your sex life. That's not so unusual.

I suggest giving your parents a break and trying to understand where they are coming from. You will always be their baby. Even at 32 I am still my parent's baby. They are smarter and more interested in your long term welfare than you are giving them credit for.

[ally87]

Originally Posted by Hope75

Are you living at home still?

Maybe the first thing you need to consider if you don't want to be living under your parents' thumb is finding a place of your own.

I know you feel like at 20 you are adult and worldly and having been with your bf for a year you think it is forever and maybe it is, but your parents have a lot of life experience to offer you and they may be onto something when they say you may not last with him. You are both quite young, your relationship hasn't been that long, and you both will go through some very significant changes in your twenties and you may find that in a year, two years, 3 years, 5 years that this is not the relationship for you. I'm not saying that will definitely happen, but i my experience at your age that is more likely than not to happen.

As far as sex goes, some parents are just not that comfortable talking with their kids about sex. Particularly the details of your sex life. That's not so unusual.

I suggest giving your parents a break and trying to understand where they are coming from. You will always be their baby. Even at 32 I am still my parent's baby. They are smarter and more interested in your long term welfare than you are giving them credit for.

I do live on my own. I moved out 2 months ago, and I feel I've grown more than the first 20 years of my life!

So how do you think I should give them credit?

I'm not going to do as they say because I disagree with their beliefs and that's just the way it is. For me, they have been very manipulative. I feel like their trying to pull me down by saying negative remarks to make me insecure (eg. about my bf's exes being pretty) and they talk like they know it all.

Now, is this the right way to guide me to a better future?

I know their intentions are good but I hate the way the express it and act. Where does showing ME respect come in? I feel like I can't disagree or do my things my way without seeing them get angry. I think it's wrong of them to morph me into their perfect little frame. It makes me miserable.

As of them being smarter, well yeah, they are smarter and wiser, but in other areas of life. They want to protect me from having a serious and committed relationship because they think it will ruin my future. This is based on their own experience with love. But they don't have sufficient experience to actually make such statement about MY love life-MY LIFE-and MY relationship. I'm not my mother. I'm not my father.

They were raised and they lived in another era of this century, and not to mention- another society and upbringing. I want to state that they don't have enough experience in relationships and love to actually be giving me "predictions" of how my relationship will end. Like I've mentioned, they been each other only's since they were 17. They couldn't kiss or hold hands or date without the company of a cousin/brother etc. Wheras they haven't experienced this deep connection my bf and I have.

They speak of my relationship (and former) as if I'm doomed. It hurts me because they don't trust my judgments and me handling my consequences. I want them to respect me as an individual. And they always say that my relationship is not forever- can't they be more supportive of my happiness with love? It's alright to mention it but not mention it whenever he pops up in their mind. It makes me angry. It's unfair to me and for my boyfriend as he feels unwanted by them.

Thank you.

[Hope75]

Originally Posted by ally87

I've mentioned, they been each other only's since they were 17. They couldn't kiss or hold hands or date without the company of a cousin/brother etc. Wheras they haven't experienced this deep connection my bf and I have.

Perhaps they want you to experience what they didn't have- an education, a chance to be single and young and to live life before committing to someone exclusively. Given their upbringing I could see that as a motivation behind them not wanting you to be in a committed relationship.

I don't agree that you should not have a relationship if that is what you want, but consider what life experience they have to draw on with which to advise you, and take their advice with a grain of salt and don't be so quick to shoot them down. You don't have to agree with their advice, but you can at least respect it for what it is, an attempt to love and guide you.

You've been on your own for a few months, that is just the beginning of experiencing life as an adult. It's a start- but you have a way to go.

I do not agree with you that your parents don't understand what deep love is or have not had that experience. You are 20 years old and have been with your bf for one year. How can you even compare that to a relationship that has survived for over 20 years, (at least since you were born), a marriage, having and raising children, and the adversity of not being allowed to date unless in the presence of other family members?

That to me seems very short sighted on your part. I can see you are very fond of your boyfriend but trust me when I say that you parent have had a deep relationship that you will not even begin to understand until you have walked in their shoes. Even at one year you have yet to experience most of what a long term relationship consists of, the struggles and difficulties that long term adult couples face. Living together, marriage, children, home ownership, I could go on forever.

Statements like that make you lose credibility and seem like a naive young person with little experience vs. someone who can look at a situation from points of view other than her own.

Giving someone credit doesn't mean doing what they say, it means respecting their opinion and where it comes from, even if you do not agree and choose not to follow it.

[ally87]

Originally Posted by Hope75

Perhaps they want you to experience what they didn't have- an education, a chance to be single and young and to live life before committing to someone exclusively. Given their upbringing I could see that as a motivation behind them not wanting you to be in a committed relationship.

I don't agree that you should not have a relationship if that is what you want, but consider what life experience they have to draw on with which to advise you, and take their advice with a grain of salt and don't be so quick to shoot them down. You don't have to agree with their advice, but you can at least respect it for what it is, an attempt to love and guide you.

You've been on your own for a few months, that is just the beginning of experiencing life as an adult. It's a start- but you have a way to go.

I do not agree with you that your parents don't understand what deep love is or have not had that experience. You are 20 years old and have been with your bf for one year. How can you even compare that to a relationship that has survived for over 20 years, (at least since you were born), a marriage, having and raising children, and the adversity of not being allowed to date unless in the presence of other family members?

That to me seems very short sighted on your part. I can see you are very fond of your boyfriend but trust me when I say that you parent have had a deep relationship that you will not even begin to understand until you have walked in their shoes. Even at one year you have yet to experience most of what a long term relationship consists of, the struggles and difficulties that long term adult couples face. Living together, marriage, children, home ownership, I could go on forever.

Statements like that make you lose credibility and seem like a naive young person with little experience vs. someone who can look at a situation from points of view other than her own.

Giving someone credit doesn't mean doing what they say, it means respecting their opinion and where it comes from, even if you do not agree and choose not to follow it.

When I see my parents together they look like good friends. They don't kiss, hug and all that. They were seperated in the past because of infidelity. But got together due to my sister and I- and of course, it was wrong to divorce. What I'm trying to say is that they don't do anything intimate because they were raised to believe that sex is only for reproducing so sex in a "regular" relationship isn't common for them.

I may sound naive, but it's a part of growing up, right?

I think my parents are manipulative and childish in behavior when it comes to my life. Don't you agree that they also should respect me?

I respect my parents upbringing and beliefs. like I've mentioned, I've never argumented or raised my voice when they talk about what they think is wrong and how I should do this and that. But lately it's been ticking me off because they act like they know it all. And they're putting me down, saying stuff to make me feel bad.

Both parts- children and parents should respect each other- and try to understand each other. just because they're older and wiser doesn't mean they can say stuff and have "control" over me. They're so obsessed with what other people think. And on top of that, my mom is such a cynic; saying "Oh, I don't care about what people think about how I run my business. What matters is what I believe." not to mention that mom claims she's very open-minded!

Wouldn't you agree that calling an "act" ugly a bit judgemental? They speak to as if sex before marriage is a bad thing. People who have sex before marriage are not bad people.

[Hope75]

Originally Posted by ally87

When I see my parents together they look like good friends. They don't kiss, hug and all that. They were seperated in the past because of infidelity. But got together due to my sister and I- and of course, it was wrong to divorce. What I'm trying to say is that they don't do anything intimate because they were raised to believe that sex is only for reproducing so sex in a "regular" relationship isn't common for them.

I may sound naive, but it's a part of growing up, right?

I think my parents are manipulative and childish in behavior when it comes to my life. Don't you agree that they also should respect me?

I respect my parents upbringing and beliefs. like I've mentioned, I've never argumented or raised my voice when they talk about what they think is wrong and how I should do this and that. But lately it's been ticking me off because they act like they know it all. And they're putting me down, saying stuff to make me feel bad.

Both parts- children and parents should respect each other- and try to understand each other. just because they're older and wiser doesn't mean they can say stuff and have "control" over me. They're so obsessed with what other people think. And on top of that, my mom is such a cynic; saying "Oh, I don't care about what people think about how I run my business. What matters is what I believe." not to mention that mom claims she's very open-minded!

Wouldn't you agree that calling an "act" ugly a bit judgemental? They speak to as if sex before marriage is a bad thing. People who have sex before marriage are not bad people.

Kissing and hugging doesn't make a deep relationship. I suspect your parent's culture may have a lot to do with how much affection they display- but again no one knows what they do behind closed doors. They got through infidelity and are still together. They have survived all the things I mentioned above plus infidelity. To me that sounds like a deep relationship.

I think the bottom line is that you don't have to agree with what your parents suggest. At this point in your life you are right, you don't HAVE to take your parents advice about anything. You don't have to agree with it.

You can simply listen and thank them for their advice and govern your life the way you please. Whether or not your choices will be the right ones remain to be seen. In the end you don't live with them and you are an adult, so how much control do they really have over you? About as much as you let them.

What you are going through is the right of passage of almost every young adult on this earth.

Respect is something that is earned-not something that is just given or is a right of any kind. Even then if you and your parents don't agree with each other's choices you can still treat one another with respect.

I don't always agree with something my mother may suggest, but I listen to her and thank her for her time and suggestions. Then I take what I can use and leave the rest. If she confronts me about it, I tell her that I respect her opinion but that I don't agree with it and I choose to do thing this way instead.

She may not agree but if I handle it with respect, to both myself and to her, ultimately with some time to cool off she will respect that I was honest and respectful to her.

[bpsekh]

Originally Posted by ally87

And I fully respect your beliefs. I'm just dissappointed that they can't trust my judgments and me as a grown person. It's almost like an insult.

So do you think you have to please your parents regarding this? What if it makes you miserable?

Thank you.

It differs on a case-by-case basis. In some ways I can relate, because I am of Asian descent, and my parents were and are still quite overprotective.

In my case, I tend to actually be quite traditional, even more so than my parents. My father has always been on my back about religion ever since he found I converted, telling me he's "worried" that I'll become a fundamentalist or something - i.e. he doesn't trust me. In that case, I ignore him completely. I'm not going to change back to the way I was just to make him happy.

I think your situation is a bit more specific, at 20, you're still relatively young. Not that you can't handle your own life, which could be perfectly true, but then again, don't ever underestimate the value of good advice from your parents. And you're still young. You have a whole life ahead of you to date, go out, and experience marriage. I'm a bit older than you, and I lived alone (until my dad came to live with me) after college. I'm willing to wait for the right woman to come along. Believe me, I'm not exactly in a hurry.

I can understand what your parents mean about pre-marital sex. Like I said, I changed my ways shortly after I graduated from college to a more traditional lifestyle, so from my perspective, my life now seems a lot better. In the past, I did a few reckless things, and I do regret them now. But then again, this is America, so what you do isn't my business. I guess you can ask yourself if your relationship is worth more than the sex that comes with it.

Hope I've been helpful. I'm sorry I can't give you some better advice without contradicting my own beliefs.