My first post, but I need some advice

trying2007 · 12-02-2007, 04:24 PM

Well this is my first post and I will try and make this as simple as possible. I was told by my wife of 2 years a few weeks ago that there wasnt enough passion in our lives. That I was being too smothering outside the bedroom but not in. And she suggested counseling, which we have been going to. Since we have been going we have figured out a lot of our issues have been due to stress over money and finances. issues that i didnt know she would stress about. We are sifting through these issues and will get past them, but she is still feeling "out of love" with me over months of her thinking about this without talking. she has gone so far as to really think our marriage is over, but our therpaist thinks it because we have made it about all these other things other than the real issues and we are working on those.

She has been close to wanting separation and each time we talk about it, we come back from that ledge, however nothing i try is seeminly working for her to look at me differently. It really has been an eye opener for me on how I was so focused on work and stressed about being the provider that i didnt spend enough time at home expressing how important she is and how much I really do want her. She says that She needs space, that she needs to fall in love with me again, and she sees the changes I have made, but she hasnt felt what she needs to feel yet before she can say she is staying for good.

Should I just back off? I am trying to give her space, but we still have both said we need to do things together, but it gets ackward, we even took sex off the table for a while so she knows i dont have an agenda. I feel like i almost need to say im leaving for a couple days or a week to give her real space so she knows im serious about doing what needs to be done. has anyone else done this and does it work or is it too drastic?

She wants me to be more of the alpha male, and its not that I cant, im the boss at work and do it very well, but i like to be someones love when i get home, should i just say screw it and be the bad boy that she wants? or are the issues that we uncovered the real reasons for our issues and just let them work themselves out? I have real hopes that if we get past this we will have a very strong relationship, but im afraid that she wont be able to get back to the place she needs to be happy, i just dont know what to do, or if there is anything i can do. Help

**melrich** · 12-02-2007, 04:31 PM

Quote:

lot of our issues have been due to stress over money and finances.

Aahhh...this is the great connundrum in marriage/live in relationships. How do you balance the relationship part with the running the business part (and if you run a household you will know it is like running a business).

You wife has come to see you as the Chief Financial Officer, not as her husband.

It's not easy. If you guys do get back on track, I'd recommend you try handing all reponsibilities for the finances etc over to her. She may be really good at it or if she struggles she may come to accept that that is a role you need to play.

trying2007 · 12-02-2007, 04:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by melrich

Aahhh...this is the great connundrum in marriage/live in relationships. How do you balance the relationship part with the running the business part (and if you run a household you will know it is like running a business).

You wife has come to see you as the Chief Financial Officer, not as her husband.

It's not easy. If you guys do get back on track, I'd recommend you try handing all reponsibilities for the finances etc over to her. She may be really good at it or if she struggles she may come to accept that that is a role you need to play.

well her paycheck from her job goes right into my account, so at the last session i suggested that she have it put in her account, then she could give me what we needed and she felt like she got something for her time on the job, and behold she perked up. Thats an interesting angle to allow her to pay all the bills. I will bring that up. thanks

**melrich** · 12-02-2007, 04:38 PM

Quote:

Thats an interesting angle to allow her to pay all the bills.

I'd hand the whole thing over to her, the whole budget.

NO1GR8r · 12-02-2007, 04:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by trying2007

Well this is my first post and I will try and make this as simple as possible. I was told by my wife of 2 years a few weeks ago that there wasnt enough passion in our lives. That I was being too smothering outside the bedroom but not in. And she suggested counseling, which we have been going to. Since we have been going we have figured out a lot of our issues have been due to stress over money and finances. issues that i didnt know she would stress about. We are sifting through these issues and will get past them, but she is still feeling "out of love" with me over months of her thinking about this without talking. she has gone so far as to really think our marriage is over, but our therpaist thinks it because we have made it about all these other things other than the real issues and we are working on those.

She has been close to wanting separation and each time we talk about it, we come back from that ledge, however nothing i try is seeminly working for her to look at me differently. It really has been an eye opener for me on how I was so focused on work and stressed about being the provider that i didnt spend enough time at home expressing how important she is and how much I really do want her. She says that She needs space, that she needs to fall in love with me again, and she sees the changes I have made, but she hasnt felt what she needs to feel yet before she can say she is staying for good.

Should I just back off? I am trying to give her space, but we still have both said we need to do things together, but it gets ackward, we even took sex off the table for a while so she knows i dont have an agenda. I feel like i almost need to say im leaving for a couple days or a week to give her real space so she knows im serious about doing what needs to be done. has anyone else done this and does it work or is it too drastic?

She wants me to be more of the alpha male, and its not that I cant, im the boss at work and do it very well, but i like to be someones love when i get home, should i just say screw it and be the bad boy that she wants? or are the issues that we uncovered the real reasons for our issues and just let them work themselves out? I have real hopes that if we get past this we will have a very strong relationship, but im afraid that she wont be able to get back to the place she needs to be happy, i just dont know what to do, or if there is anything i can do. Help

=========
First, don't do anything for her benefit, but something that you can share. Wake up in the middle of the night...get her dressed...drive or fly to a "secret" destination planned with all the fun and activites that you don't get to do: i.e. sky diving..etc. Don't say I love you--- show her. show her in several unplanned - unprovoked ways. Be sincere and don't force anything. Instead of flowers, send the florist to create a space in "her room" for her as a gift...with her favorite flowers. Take her to her childhood home or home town and ask her to show you things and places that she has fond memories of. Buy a chemistry set and create something outrageous and name it after her...discover a new "proton" or something. Just Do "someting" rather than sulk in the possiblitiy of losing her. Fight for her but don't fight her.
Compose a song and sing it off key...or pay someone to sing it. Buy coloring books and only three crayons of her favorite colors...I hope that this helps.

trying2007 · 12-02-2007, 04:41 PM

She says that she does love me, but doesnt know if she in love, but wants to fall again. She is trying some, but im not sure if she is giving it her all yet. Separation is something that even me, the person that is IN LOVE is willing to try. We need to realize that we do miss each other and that there is love there

trying2007 · 12-02-2007, 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NO1GR8r

=========
First, don't do anything for her benefit, but something that you can share. Wake up in the middle of the night...get her dressed...drive or fly to a "secret" destination planned with all the fun and activites that you don't get to do: i.e. sky diving..etc. Don't say I love you--- show her. show her in several unplanned - unprovoked ways. Be sincere and don't force anything. Instead of flowers, send the florist to create a space in "her room" for her as a gift...with her favorite flowers. Take her to her childhood home or home town and ask her to show you things and places that she has fond memories of. Buy a chemistry set and create something outrageous and name it after her...discover a new "proton" or something. Just Do "someting" rather than sulk in the possiblitiy of losing her. Fight for her but don't fight her.
Compose a song and sing it off key...or pay someone to sing it. Buy coloring books and only three crayons of her favorite colors...I hope that this helps.

wow, thanks

I am trying to figure out things to do without having to say I love you. I need to do more of that. little by little.

NO1GR8r · 12-02-2007, 04:44 PM

Then consider the rules of chess and poker...Give her space, and let her make the moves...let her expose and express and follow suit. Be ready for some hard and lonely nights. This will be a great time for you to join a gym to burn off that energy or take dance lessons...but do not seek the comforts of another woman.

trying2007 · 12-02-2007, 04:50 PM

I wont seek other woman, dont worry about that, but i am already in the fitness industry so that will be my best friend, but all in all i think giving her space to want me and to come to me is what i need to do. Not sure about pure separation, but even not going home on time, staying out to do something with friends will be enough to get ball rolling....thanks

NO1GR8r · 12-02-2007, 04:55 PM

Good. Don't tell her what you are doing unless she asks. Don't volunteer information either, some women become suspicious of this when it is not someting that you have done in the past. And don't, under any circumstances...just "happen to be in the neighborhood" and just show up somewhere where you know she will be...if you run into her...keep it brief - and keep it moving.

12-02-2007, 04:24 PM	#1
trying2007 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: TAMPA Gender: Male Age: 32 Posts: 117	My first post, but I need some advice Well this is my first post and I will try and make this as simple as possible. I was told by my wife of 2 years a few weeks ago that there wasnt enough passion in our lives. That I was being too smothering outside the bedroom but not in. And she suggested counseling, which we have been going to. Since we have been going we have figured out a lot of our issues have been due to stress over money and finances. issues that i didnt know she would stress about. We are sifting through these issues and will get past them, but she is still feeling "out of love" with me over months of her thinking about this without talking. she has gone so far as to really think our marriage is over, but our therpaist thinks it because we have made it about all these other things other than the real issues and we are working on those. She has been close to wanting separation and each time we talk about it, we come back from that ledge, however nothing i try is seeminly working for her to look at me differently. It really has been an eye opener for me on how I was so focused on work and stressed about being the provider that i didnt spend enough time at home expressing how important she is and how much I really do want her. She says that She needs space, that she needs to fall in love with me again, and she sees the changes I have made, but she hasnt felt what she needs to feel yet before she can say she is staying for good. Should I just back off? I am trying to give her space, but we still have both said we need to do things together, but it gets ackward, we even took sex off the table for a while so she knows i dont have an agenda. I feel like i almost need to say im leaving for a couple days or a week to give her real space so she knows im serious about doing what needs to be done. has anyone else done this and does it work or is it too drastic? She wants me to be more of the alpha male, and its not that I cant, im the boss at work and do it very well, but i like to be someones love when i get home, should i just say screw it and be the bad boy that she wants? or are the issues that we uncovered the real reasons for our issues and just let them work themselves out? I have real hopes that if we get past this we will have a very strong relationship, but im afraid that she wont be able to get back to the place she needs to be happy, i just dont know what to do, or if there is anything i can do. Help

12-02-2007, 04:44 PM	#8
NO1GR8r Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: philadelphia Gender: Male Posts: 113	Then consider the rules of chess and poker...Give her space, and let her make the moves...let her expose and express and follow suit. Be ready for some hard and lonely nights. This will be a great time for you to join a gym to burn off that energy or take dance lessons...but do not seek the comforts of another woman. __________________ "it takes time to bring about a new day, patience to wait for it, respect to appreciate it and courage to let it go." k/d/morris

12-02-2007, 04:55 PM	#10
NO1GR8r Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: philadelphia Gender: Male Posts: 113	Good. Don't tell her what you are doing unless she asks. Don't volunteer information either, some women become suspicious of this when it is not someting that you have done in the past. And don't, under any circumstances...just "happen to be in the neighborhood" and just show up somewhere where you know she will be...if you run into her...keep it brief - and keep it moving. __________________ "it takes time to bring about a new day, patience to wait for it, respect to appreciate it and courage to let it go." k/d/morris

12-02-2007, 04:41 PM	#6
trying2007 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: TAMPA Gender: Male Age: 32 Posts: 117	She says that she does love me, but doesnt know if she in love, but wants to fall again. She is trying some, but im not sure if she is giving it her all yet. Separation is something that even me, the person that is IN LOVE is willing to try. We need to realize that we do miss each other and that there is love there

12-02-2007, 04:50 PM	#9
trying2007 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: TAMPA Gender: Male Age: 32 Posts: 117	I wont seek other woman, dont worry about that, but i am already in the fitness industry so that will be my best friend, but all in all i think giving her space to want me and to come to me is what i need to do. Not sure about pure separation, but even not going home on time, staying out to do something with friends will be enough to get ball rolling....thanks