To go back or not- Fear of parents!!

butterflycloud · 11-27-2007, 01:53 AM

Benn divorced for three years now and I wont lie... it hasnt been easy. After all this time the ex has been telling me that he has reformed himself and has strated working with his issues. We have a son together. Should we try again??

We got divorced due to emotional abuse and we were very young so I think that that palyed a role too. The problem is that this choice is not as simple as a yes or no because of my parents. My parents would go MAD is I got back together with him. At the moment they help me out a lot with finances especially where my son is concerned and if I got back together with him all that help would stop, besides that I would lose my parents and REALLY disappoint them!

I dont want to lose my parents, so does that mean I have to give up on me and the ex ever being back together?

WillyD · 11-27-2007, 01:59 AM

I guess the extent of emotional abuse in the previous part of the relationship would be particularly important. While no level is good, there is a certain level that a relationship can reach that simply isn't "heal-able". (Yes I did just make that word up). For instance I'd never tell a girlfriend to consider going back to someone who beat her etc. Is what you experienced before severe enough to meet that assumption? (Your parents seem to think so)

Considering your a parent, how do you think it would affect your child?

Just a few thoughts
WillyD

Ampire · 11-27-2007, 02:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by butterflycloud

Benn divorced for three years now and I wont lie... it hasnt been easy. After all this time the ex has been telling me that he has reformed himself and has strated working with his issues. We have a son together. Should we try again??

We got divorced due to emotional abuse and we were very young so I think that that palyed a role too. The problem is that this choice is not as simple as a yes or no because of my parents. My parents would go MAD is I got back together with him. At the moment they help me out a lot with finances especially where my son is concerned and if I got back together with him all that help would stop, besides that I would lose my parents and REALLY disappoint them!

I dont want to lose my parents, so does that mean I have to give up on me and the ex ever being back together?

how old are you now???

I would talk to your parents about it - talk to him about it with them - your parents will always try to protect you no matter what. rememeber that, I would atleat give it a shot and go as far as making him prove himself to your parents.....if they approve then go for it.....but you have to see change, a lot of it, over a long period of time so it can't be something you jump into, maybe even go to his therapist with him if he has one and talk to them both and see if he has made changes........

blender · 11-27-2007, 02:16 AM

Besides him "telling you" he's "reformed' what has his behavior SHOWN YOU? Has he gone to therapy? Can you talk to his therapist and go together BEFORE you even consider getting back involved with a man with these kind of issues. And what have YOU done to grow, and know that you won't fall into an old pattern of being victim with him again? Have you gotten some counseling or therapy? For today take it slow, take care of yourself, and your son... IF your ex is authentically done some self work, then he probably wouldn't be asking for a reconciliation, because IF he's really grown, changed, learned new emotional patterns, then he would be very respectful and ask if he could not only speak to you about this, but he'd also say "I feel out of respect I should also talk to your parents, just to reassure them and SHOW them the therapy and changes I have made to break my old habits".

I think you should consider being as fully honest with yourself as you can about the FACTS vs. the FEELINGS here, has your ex in FACT made changes in his life that you can actually notice?

You wouldn't "lose your parents' if in fact your ex really has grown and is willing to sit down with them and discuss thier fears, the finances and how HE will be taking on responsiblity for his own son, and for you as a couple as well.

Is he emotionally and financially responsible at this point? If not then I'm afriad he hasn't "reformed" enough for you to risk your own emotional well being and that of your preicous sons... so take it slow, be honest with yourself, talk to your parents.. keep it all out on the table, and simply say: "I'm hoping to have some kind of respectful relationship with my ex for my son's sake, and I'm not sure if it's the right thing, he's said that he's "reformed".. but I"m not sure if it's a healthy choice on my part to get involved again..., what do you think Mom and Dad?

Again, ask yourself what about him is "reformed".. not just his "words" but his behavior, responsiblity, emotions, finances, job, how he treats women... what has he shown that he doesn differently and in a more healthy way now? Has he offered to reimburse your parents financially for all the help they have given to you and your son? After all if he's "reformed" he would feel a respectful responsibility to at least discuss this with them about HIS son's life and what role he should be as his father.

butterflycloud · 11-27-2007, 02:34 AM

wow what fantastic advice- thank you everyone.

Im 28 now. Like all of you have said- has the ex really cahnged??? He says he has but I know that he hasnt done it throug formal therapy. He is still financially unstable and cant support me and my son at all- that is where my dilemma with the parents comes in!

He is also wanting to get back together very quickly and like you said he has to prove to me that he really has changed. I doubt wether he would actually sit down with my parents and apologise and try to make ammends- then again I dont think my parents would even be open to meeting with him. He wouldnt even dream of reimbursing my parents- not that he could finacialy either.

As far as my son goes I know that I cannt put him through the relationship again only to have it fail- my son is older now and the implications upon him would be even greater than before!

Having said this why is there a part of me that wants to believe that things will be different? Im afaraid to turn the ex away in case it could work but Im also afraid to welcome him home in case it doesnt work and I lose all respect from my loving parents.

Ampire · 11-27-2007, 02:45 AM

ya I would be very careful in a situation like this, how old is your son now??? because if he is not damaged by this too much then bringing your ex back into his life with the chances of it not working out might do some damage...anyone can say I've changed, anyone can say I've stopped drinking, but to actually show it over a lenghty period of time is another thing....

blender · 11-27-2007, 02:49 AM

Well you are already educated as to "how it works with your ex" you've been there, done that, and from all you have said, he hasn't actually "reformed" he's just doing the same thing.. and he really believes it will be magically different now just because he says it will? C'mon you love yourself and your son and your parents too much to go down that road again..right?

Of course you want to belive that things will be different, because you're still holding on to the "potential" of who you "hoped and thought" he COULD be.. but those are "feelings' and the FACTS are very different... because any guy who is actually "reformed" wouldn't even think of asking to be back in your life when he is NOT financially at least on a road to being stable, and he's not even had therapy...

Your "fear" that what if it could work out... well that's just a feeling, the fact is it didn't work out, and he hasn't "changed" or 'grown" it's obviously by his "urgency and immediate" of the "let's get back together I've changed attititude" That's not realistic, mature, loving, or "reformed"..

and this is not about losing your parents, it's about something MUCH bigger than that... if you choose to go back with an ex who is NOT financially responsible or emotionally theraputically healthy... then you could risk "losing yourself" and that is something that you've already been through with this guy, you deserve better and your precious son deserves a Mom who would protect him emotionally and want a firm, solid, emotionally strong foundation for a relationship in his life.. and for now that relationship is the one you have with your parents...

You can lovingly tell your ex that for right now you have some of your own "self work" to do and need to focus your energy on yourself and your son for today... and you don't know what the future holds, but that you hope he keeps working on his own issues and is there for his son in a respectful consistent responsible way...and you will always pray for him and hope the two of you can be respectful and grow and then see what happens later... but now is not the time for you.

Ampire · 11-27-2007, 02:53 AM

has he always been financially irresponsible??? when you first met was he like that? did he end up losing a great job and it all went down hill from there???
because if he has always been like that and he still is now, then forget it...

butterflycloud · 11-27-2007, 03:17 AM

my son has just turned 6 and seems to be well adjusted despite the divorce.

You see as soon as my ex thought that there may be a chance for us again he went and broke up with his girlfriend immediatly- I never asked him to do that nor did I even expect him to do that.

So what do I tell him now- "Sorry you broke up with your GF but I dont want to be with you anymore because of various factors?"

I feel bad no because I know that he so wanted this.

To answere the other question- the ex has always been financially unstable and ever since our son was born I had to pay for 90% of stuff.

Ampire · 11-27-2007, 03:30 AM

you need to tell him to get his $$$$ together and do it own his own time, most people cannot grow or change when they are with someone, you need to learn from your past experiances on your own and grow and learn to love yourself and respect yourself, financially or whatever it may be - if he can't take care of himself, by himself and deal with life alone then there is no hope for him...

and don't feel bad because he broke up with his girlfriend, that should be a very clear sign to you - she meant nothing to him, so why was he with her??? if he can just drop her like that??? he treats people with little respect because he probably treats himself with little respect...

I would not go back to that...tell him to get therapy, tell him to go back to school, get a good career and if he can keep that up for a couple years then you will consider getting back together with him if you are single....if this man truly loves you then he will do whatever it takes to change for you....if he has done nothing, then forget it....

11-27-2007, 01:53 AM	#1
butterflycloud Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: universal plains Gender: Female Posts: 392	To go back or not- Fear of parents!! Benn divorced for three years now and I wont lie... it hasnt been easy. After all this time the ex has been telling me that he has reformed himself and has strated working with his issues. We have a son together. Should we try again?? We got divorced due to emotional abuse and we were very young so I think that that palyed a role too. The problem is that this choice is not as simple as a yes or no because of my parents. My parents would go MAD is I got back together with him. At the moment they help me out a lot with finances especially where my son is concerned and if I got back together with him all that help would stop, besides that I would lose my parents and REALLY disappoint them! I dont want to lose my parents, so does that mean I have to give up on me and the ex ever being back together? __________________ Come to the edge he said They said' we are afraid' He said again- 'come to the edge' They came..... He pushed them..... And they flew.....

11-27-2007, 02:34 AM	#5
butterflycloud Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: universal plains Gender: Female Posts: 392	wow what fantastic advice- thank you everyone. Im 28 now. Like all of you have said- has the ex really cahnged??? He says he has but I know that he hasnt done it throug formal therapy. He is still financially unstable and cant support me and my son at all- that is where my dilemma with the parents comes in! He is also wanting to get back together very quickly and like you said he has to prove to me that he really has changed. I doubt wether he would actually sit down with my parents and apologise and try to make ammends- then again I dont think my parents would even be open to meeting with him. He wouldnt even dream of reimbursing my parents- not that he could finacialy either. As far as my son goes I know that I cannt put him through the relationship again only to have it fail- my son is older now and the implications upon him would be even greater than before! Having said this why is there a part of me that wants to believe that things will be different? Im afaraid to turn the ex away in case it could work but Im also afraid to welcome him home in case it doesnt work and I lose all respect from my loving parents. __________________ Come to the edge he said They said' we are afraid' He said again- 'come to the edge' They came..... He pushed them..... And they flew.....

11-27-2007, 02:45 AM	#6
Ampire Offline Silver Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Ontario Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 329	ya I would be very careful in a situation like this, how old is your son now??? because if he is not damaged by this too much then bringing your ex back into his life with the chances of it not working out might do some damage...anyone can say I've changed, anyone can say I've stopped drinking, but to actually show it over a lenghty period of time is another thing.... __________________ Hope is the last thing to go, but hope is what keeps you going!!!

11-27-2007, 02:53 AM	#8
Ampire Offline Silver Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Ontario Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 329	has he always been financially irresponsible??? when you first met was he like that? did he end up losing a great job and it all went down hill from there??? because if he has always been like that and he still is now, then forget it... __________________ Hope is the last thing to go, but hope is what keeps you going!!!

11-27-2007, 03:17 AM	#9
butterflycloud Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: universal plains Gender: Female Posts: 392	my son has just turned 6 and seems to be well adjusted despite the divorce. You see as soon as my ex thought that there may be a chance for us again he went and broke up with his girlfriend immediatly- I never asked him to do that nor did I even expect him to do that. So what do I tell him now- "Sorry you broke up with your GF but I dont want to be with you anymore because of various factors?" I feel bad no because I know that he so wanted this. To answere the other question- the ex has always been financially unstable and ever since our son was born I had to pay for 90% of stuff. __________________ Come to the edge he said They said' we are afraid' He said again- 'come to the edge' They came..... He pushed them..... And they flew.....

11-27-2007, 01:59 AM	#2
WillyD Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: North Carolina Gender: Male Age: 24 Posts: 38	I guess the extent of emotional abuse in the previous part of the relationship would be particularly important. While no level is good, there is a certain level that a relationship can reach that simply isn't "heal-able". (Yes I did just make that word up). For instance I'd never tell a girlfriend to consider going back to someone who beat her etc. Is what you experienced before severe enough to meet that assumption? (Your parents seem to think so) Considering your a parent, how do you think it would affect your child? Just a few thoughts WillyD

11-27-2007, 02:16 AM	#4
blender Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 2,605	Besides him "telling you" he's "reformed' what has his behavior SHOWN YOU? Has he gone to therapy? Can you talk to his therapist and go together BEFORE you even consider getting back involved with a man with these kind of issues. And what have YOU done to grow, and know that you won't fall into an old pattern of being victim with him again? Have you gotten some counseling or therapy? For today take it slow, take care of yourself, and your son... IF your ex is authentically done some self work, then he probably wouldn't be asking for a reconciliation, because IF he's really grown, changed, learned new emotional patterns, then he would be very respectful and ask if he could not only speak to you about this, but he'd also say "I feel out of respect I should also talk to your parents, just to reassure them and SHOW them the therapy and changes I have made to break my old habits". I think you should consider being as fully honest with yourself as you can about the FACTS vs. the FEELINGS here, has your ex in FACT made changes in his life that you can actually notice? You wouldn't "lose your parents' if in fact your ex really has grown and is willing to sit down with them and discuss thier fears, the finances and how HE will be taking on responsiblity for his own son, and for you as a couple as well. Is he emotionally and financially responsible at this point? If not then I'm afriad he hasn't "reformed" enough for you to risk your own emotional well being and that of your preicous sons... so take it slow, be honest with yourself, talk to your parents.. keep it all out on the table, and simply say: "I'm hoping to have some kind of respectful relationship with my ex for my son's sake, and I'm not sure if it's the right thing, he's said that he's "reformed".. but I"m not sure if it's a healthy choice on my part to get involved again..., what do you think Mom and Dad? Again, ask yourself what about him is "reformed".. not just his "words" but his behavior, responsiblity, emotions, finances, job, how he treats women... what has he shown that he doesn differently and in a more healthy way now? Has he offered to reimburse your parents financially for all the help they have given to you and your son? After all if he's "reformed" he would feel a respectful responsibility to at least discuss this with them about HIS son's life and what role he should be as his father.

11-27-2007, 02:49 AM	#7
blender Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 2,605	Well you are already educated as to "how it works with your ex" you've been there, done that, and from all you have said, he hasn't actually "reformed" he's just doing the same thing.. and he really believes it will be magically different now just because he says it will? C'mon you love yourself and your son and your parents too much to go down that road again..right? Of course you want to belive that things will be different, because you're still holding on to the "potential" of who you "hoped and thought" he COULD be.. but those are "feelings' and the FACTS are very different... because any guy who is actually "reformed" wouldn't even think of asking to be back in your life when he is NOT financially at least on a road to being stable, and he's not even had therapy... Your "fear" that what if it could work out... well that's just a feeling, the fact is it didn't work out, and he hasn't "changed" or 'grown" it's obviously by his "urgency and immediate" of the "let's get back together I've changed attititude" That's not realistic, mature, loving, or "reformed".. and this is not about losing your parents, it's about something MUCH bigger than that... if you choose to go back with an ex who is NOT financially responsible or emotionally theraputically healthy... then you could risk "losing yourself" and that is something that you've already been through with this guy, you deserve better and your precious son deserves a Mom who would protect him emotionally and want a firm, solid, emotionally strong foundation for a relationship in his life.. and for now that relationship is the one you have with your parents... You can lovingly tell your ex that for right now you have some of your own "self work" to do and need to focus your energy on yourself and your son for today... and you don't know what the future holds, but that you hope he keeps working on his own issues and is there for his son in a respectful consistent responsible way...and you will always pray for him and hope the two of you can be respectful and grow and then see what happens later... but now is not the time for you.

11-27-2007, 03:30 AM	#10
Ampire Offline Silver Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Ontario Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 329	you need to tell him to get his $$$$ together and do it own his own time, most people cannot grow or change when they are with someone, you need to learn from your past experiances on your own and grow and learn to love yourself and respect yourself, financially or whatever it may be - if he can't take care of himself, by himself and deal with life alone then there is no hope for him... and don't feel bad because he broke up with his girlfriend, that should be a very clear sign to you - she meant nothing to him, so why was he with her??? if he can just drop her like that??? he treats people with little respect because he probably treats himself with little respect... I would not go back to that...tell him to get therapy, tell him to go back to school, get a good career and if he can keep that up for a couple years then you will consider getting back together with him if you are single....if this man truly loves you then he will do whatever it takes to change for you....if he has done nothing, then forget it.... __________________ Hope is the last thing to go, but hope is what keeps you going!!!