Son causing probs in my relationship

[Papillion]

I have a son aged 11 and a daughter aged 8. My g/f has a son aged 9.

My daughter is great with the situation, she loves my g/f and her son and obviously doesn’t feel remotely threatened. But my son is clearly very threatened by the situation, and is jealous that I spend time with my g/f and her son without him being there, that i spend nights at their house etc. My son clearly feels that he is somehow losing his daddy to this other little boy.

So when we’re all together the 5 of us, he constantly says really sinister dark things which upset and destabilise everyone. Such as when my g/f’s son said he was afraid of dogs, my son went on and on about how his dog jumps up at everyone etc. He makes frequent references to people dying and family members passing away - my g/f’s son lost his father in January this year so we are all grieving, and these comments from my son are shockingly crass and insensitive. He also says things to my g/f like “what would you do if you got the sack from your job?” – knowing that this will upset my g/f’s son. This weekend the kids were all playing outside with my sisters kids, and my son ran in and said to my g/f “alfie just fell over and everyone laughed at him” yet when my g/f checked with alfie it turned out that no such thing happened. There are loads more examples, but it’s just a constant drip-drip effect and we’re at the point where to be honest we don’t look forward to seeing him (I have my kids at weekends only).

I obviously love my children completely and unconditionally, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let my son ruin my relationship. I’m sure its all subconscious but do you think deep down he’s trying to ruin it so that he can just “eliminate the competition” have me all to himself?

How do I go about turning this round?

Thanks for any input.

[RhythmicLove]

I don't think you're far off as to why he's acting this way. Sounds like a direct response to him feeling threatened or that he's losing you. Especially if this is the first time he's had to "share" you with another child (besides his sister).

You said that you get your kids on the weekends only. When you have them, is that time always spent with the gf and her son as a group? Wanting them all to get along is the ultimate goal, but I think along side that, it may be important to single out time with your son alone. Show him that there isn't a threat to your relationship.

I would also open up lines of communication with him. Trying to get to the root of a problem by talking with a child isn't always easy. Sometimes, like you said, it's a subconscious thing. Sometimes they just don't want to or have a hard time opening up. I think setting aside that time for just you and him and creating a "safe bubble" where he can talk openly about his feelings would be a good idea.

Even though what he's doing is not ok by any means, I wouldn't focus on his actions. If he thinks you're upset by them, he may have a harder time opening up as well. So make sure he knows that what he says inside that "safe bubble" is between you and him and that you won't get upset because of how he feels. You don't want him to feel alone. He has to know what he's doing is wrong, but he also has to know that his feelings are valid and that you understand.

My daughter's still in diapers so I'm not exactly speaking from experience. Regardless, I wish you all the best.

[Papillion]

Originally Posted by RhythmicLove

I don't think you're far off as to why he's acting this way. Sounds like a direct response to him feeling threatened or that he's losing you. Especially if this is the first time he's had to "share" you with another child (besides his sister).

You said that you get your kids on the weekends only. When you have them, is that time always spent with the gf and her son as a group? Wanting them all to get along is the ultimate goal, but I think along side that, it may be important to single out time with your son alone. Show him that there isn't a threat to your relationship.

I would also open up lines of communication with him. Trying to get to the root of a problem by talking with a child isn't always easy. Sometimes, like you said, it's a subconscious thing. Sometimes they just don't want to or have a hard time opening up. I think setting aside that time for just you and him and creating a "safe bubble" where he can talk openly about his feelings would be a good idea.

Even though what he's doing is not ok by any means, I wouldn't focus on his actions. If he thinks you're upset by them, he may have a harder time opening up as well. So make sure he knows that what he says inside that "safe bubble" is between you and him and that you won't get upset because of how he feels. You don't want him to feel alone. He has to know what he's doing is wrong, but he also has to know that his feelings are valid and that you understand.

My daughter's still in diapers so I'm not exactly speaking from experience. Regardless, I wish you all the best.

thank you rhythmiclove, thats really helpful. And i've just noticed that was your first post on ENA. welcome, and thank you for answering me with your first post!

at the weekends i have the kids between 10am and 6pm on saturday on one weekend, then the next weekend i have them 10am on the saturday until 6pm on the sunday. When i have the kids we dont see my g/f and her son, and its really down to the fact the my son behaves the way he does. My g/f and i split up between june and sept this year, and whilst i cant and wont blame that on my son, it did play a part in it.

i really dont want him to mess things up between me and my g/f - its perfect now and we are so happy, its ten times better now than before we had our break over the summer, but its just this one prob that has the potential to become a weeping sore.

thanks for your advice about the safe bubble. I will mention this to my g/f tonight.

[Mun]

Rhythmiclove has some really good suggestions and I just want to add something.
When you do talk to your son about this lead into the talk by saying something like, I love you very much and you love me too right? I know you would never want me to get hurt me in any way. (Gf name) makes me happy and I care for her very much. If this relationship does not work out I will be very sad. You wouldn't want that would you?

When your son does act up and do things that are innapropriate it's important that you pull him aside and talk to him then and there. Don't wait until later to bring it up, sometimes we forget to bring it up later
Maybe some "how would you feel ( if this was done to you) " statements will help.

[Papillion]

Originally Posted by Mun

Rhythmiclove has some really good suggestions and I just want to add something.
When you do talk to your son about this lead into the talk by saying something like, I love you very much and you love me too right? I know you would never want me to get hurt me in any way. (Gf name) makes me happy and I care for her very much. If this relationship does not work out I will be very sad. You wouldn't want that would you?

When your son does act up and do things that are innapropriate it's important that you pull him aside and talk to him then and there. Don't wait until later to bring it up, sometimes we forget to bring it up later
Maybe some "how would you feel ( if this was done to you) " statements will help.

thanks mun, thats fantastic. Thanks for your advice.

I do always pull him up every time i witness it, but still it happens. He plays dumb when i quiz him about the reasons why he does it.

[JadedStar]

Wow Pap. What a hard thing to be going thru. My expertise with kids is more when they have actually entered teenhood. I am good with people - but normally age 14 and up. I never really have caught on entirely to the workings of the younger kids minds....but I will say that you are right that this is a complete projection of his jealousy ..

Your daughter is okay because there is no direct competition as in she is your little girl...and this boy can't change that. HOwever, your son was your only boy...and now that HAS changed, and he is making it loud and clear that he does NOT LIKE IT.

As to how to handle this, the only suggestion i have Papp is please try very hard when your son is there to give him most of the attnetion. That might sound like you feel that is unfair to single him out for MORE attention but since he is the one so obviously craving it he should get it the most. Just for awhile as he gets thru this. The thing with kids like this is that the very thing this little man craves is the very thing he WON"T get because kids who project this way often make the parents exasperated enough to pull back vs get closer.

Try to make some special time for you and him. If he likes baseball for instance, tell your g/f you are going to take just him and see if she'll keep the other two. If she is a sensitive woman she will understand why this is so important.

I would take the time for a lot of these outings for awhile. YOur daughter sounds well adjusted to the change and I think she will be fine with it. Just spend special time with her at home.

Something else that many parents do that is probably not the best idea is that when a new kid or kids come into the family suddenly ALL outings include those other kids too. This is hard for little ones trying to adjust so quickly. I would say take your kids to the park or something when you have them and let her take her kid somewhere. Sure, do things altogether as a family, but don't feel it would be rude to take just your two kids out alone. They NEED this. More than you and your g/f probably need all of you together. THis is one thing i am pretty sure of. I still remember what it is like to be 8 to 10 years old. It's tough. Having a new direct rival (which alfie is just this in your son's mind) is tough for a young kid to handle....

Your son is old enough for some fairly involved one on one conversations. Have you been making the time to chat with him about this? I wouldn't make it an official pow wow but while you are out if you take him someplace just the two of you, talk to him one on one asking probing questions such as " son, how are you really feeling about this"..."how do you think i can make this feel better for you", "what am i doing as a dad that you think i could be doing better?"
and make sure you mention it often enough that no kid on earth will ever take his place.

I have a confession to make. When I was 12 if my dad had a g/f who had a little girl around my age who he saw more of I'd probably cry myself to sleep every night. I think jealousy would probably have consumed me. I feel sorry for the little guy, this is a real tough situation. I know you are a good father tho and you will work it out.

WHile I know this is a huge inconvenience to you and your g/f, to your son this is the biggest thing going on in his life and the way you handle it will most likely have a very large effect on him in the future when he is an adult. In other words, if you go the easy route and avoid him he'll remember this with a lot of bitterness. It can really feel like rejection .... if you are understanding and try to give him some of the attn he craves he'll look back on this and feel more like a winner and feel more loved and secure.

[Papillion]

Sweetie, you’re awesome. Thank you for your thoughts.

Yes, it’s a difficult one, and you’re right that he clearly doesn’t like it one little bit.

I just read your edit as well, and you’ve made me realise how important it is to get this right.

I will definitely devote lots of time and attention to him, and make clear nobody will ever replace him and that I love him so much and always will.

Thanks so much again for your thoughts JS

[CanadianGirl]

Dear lord, DO-I-EVER-UNDERSTAND what you are going through. I am going through the same type of deal.

My daughter (10) is so jealous of my bf. He comes with a daughter (7). We recently moved in together and I am trying to get my daughter to sleep in her own bed (we've been alone, sleeping in the same bed since her birth). Is it ever hard for her to accept and adjust.

I don't have any answers as I am seeking them myself. Though, I have 3 counsellors and a crisis intervention team who've really been helping me....(psychologists, social workers, nurses, etc). My daughter can say the most cruel things, like making fun of his daughter's speech impediment, how she is slow, etc. She's even wished death on my bf. But, the thing with her is that she is SO SEVERELY JEALOUS AND THREATENED. She says that his daughter acts like Im her mother and that my bf acts like he's her father and that she doesn't want a father. She also lost her beloved pet rabbit just after they moved in. Things are equally as frustrating for me.

Thankfully my parents are visiting this week. I got her to sleep without me yesterday, and today she seems happier.

**Today, me and my daughter are going to have "special time" together. We are going to visit the humaine society and volunteer there on a regular basis**

She is behaving the same way your son is, and I think that me showing her that we are still going to have our 1to1 and special time will really help. She does feel like she's losing me, but I think that the more I show her that we will have our alone time, and we will have our family time she will ease into this better. One day I hope she realizes that she isn't going to lose me, only gain more of a real family.

Another thing to note is your SON'S AGE...11 man do kids ever get naughty from 9-12 and probably worse as they get older. I've been talking to alot of parents of children in this age group and discovered alot of misbehavior and obstinant children. I think the balance between love, security, firmness and discipline is the only way. (I've yet to get ahold of the discipline factor, so my daughter knows n authority YET, but Im working on it)

Good luck