What am I going to do about my daughter?

sallen2006 · 11-13-2007, 07:51 PM

Hi-

I'm new and at my wits end. It's a long story so thank you for taking the time to read it.

My 28 year old daughter is severely mentally ill and addicted to drugs as well.

She was fine until five years ago when she had a psychotic episode while in college. Up until that point, she had her own home, a job, and went to school full time. Everything was honestly fine with her.

Since then, she has been hospitalized at least 20 times for psychosis and the difference is unbelievable. She lost custody of her daughter to her ex-husband, got pregnant again while she was completely psychotic, has used every drug known to mankind, and has lost custody of her second child to me.

She has assaulted me, threatened to shoot me, woke her older daughter (then 4) up in the middle of the night and verbally abused and scratched her, taken the child to a near stranger's house when she was psychotic and literally dumped her off, driven both children around in a car with absolutely no brakes, shaved (don't ask me how) my tabby cat, stole my credit card TWICE, and has been in jail for the second theft.

My husband and I allowed her to live with us until we could no longer tolerate her behavior and then moved her into a rental apartment that we own and have spent thousands of dollars in legal fees, traffic fines, utility bills and such. She had, supported herself and her oldest daughter, and we actually thought we were helping relieve some stress. She tried to live on her own for about four months but that ended when they found her wandering around the hospital lobby with her youngest saying that she "didn't want to kill her baby."

After she stole my credit card, she fled the county because she was court ordered into rehab and didn't go. She left her youngest daughter with me and that's when I filed for custody.

She later plea bargained down to probation and wanted to move back in with me and I refused- partly because she wasn't allowed contact with her daughter.

She stayed at the Salvation Army for awhile, was heavily using drugs, moved into an apartment with an abusive crack addict, and last week he beat her up. She is now staying at a domestic violence shelter.

She called me last night to tell me that she is pregnant.

I am at a complete loss. Both she and the father are drug addicts. He is beyond abusive (she told me he held her kitten's head under water and stuck it in a freezer.) She is mentally ill and. while she was honestly a good mother **when she was stable and abstaining from drugs**, you see what kind of things she is capable of when she's not.

Who is going to take care of this baby???

Before she lost custody, I, as well as mental health workers, had hoped that Child Protective Services would intervene and contacted them many times. All to no avail. Investigations consisted of a home visit *weeks* after the episodes. I contacted the police once and they ordered me to return the children to her because, "Since she was *legally* competent, there was nothing they could do." She had those babies for two weeks while thinking that they were "putting messages in her head," and that "the television was talking to her."

It's been absolutely surreal and I am at a complete loss.

To make matters worse, my husband has completely washed his hands of her because she refuses to go to drug rehabilitation. He believes that she is going to have to "hit bottom" on her own but I'm afraid she is going to end up dead. In the past year she has overdosed, almost died from a treatment resistant staph infection (she walked out of the hospital AMA with a stint leading to her heart in her arm and I had to threaten to have her involuntarily committed for her to go have it removed,) has been raped, homeless, assaulted, and now pregnant. How much closer to the bottom could she get???

Okay, I'm through with my rant. I just feel sick and guilty and angry and frustrated. I don't know what to do about her anymore. One on hand, I just want to protect her but, on the other, I have to consider the safety and sanity of the rest of my family.

Thanks for listening.

Sallie

JadedStar · 11-13-2007, 07:58 PM

Dmn hon. I wish i had some magic words for you. This is big stuff.

ON the one hand i am inclined to say love her from afar but on the other if she is mentally deficient i can imagine the guilt you would suffer turning your back on her.

Commitment is hard, but if she has mental issues along with the drug problems can you put her in a hospital for help with a court order? That is what I would do.

You say she is severely mentally ill. What mental disorder does she suffer from?

YOur husband might be right in that she might have to hit rock bottom, but if she is not fully competent you both will suffer a lot of guilt if something really bad happens to her.

Good luck hon. My heart goes out to you. My father is mentally ill and he has raked us thru the coals thru my life too and i know how hard it is. I have had to have him committed to mental hospital as well and it is never easy.

One thing is very clear - you need to try to have her tubes tied either thru court order or get her in a lucid state long enough to agree to it. More children do not need to be born into this rollercoaster!!

Crazyaboutdogs · 11-13-2007, 08:02 PM

I have to agree with your husband on this one. As painful as this is, you have to let her go. You can't save her from herself...you must save yourself. If she wants to be involved in drugs and unsavoury characters, you need to stay well away from her and not risk your life trying to save her. Her poor children are the ones who are suffering, and they will likely be very messed up when they grow up, but there is nothing much you can do at this point. There are some people who just don't learn and there is nothing anybody else can do to shake sense into them. You can't protect her anymore...she is an adult. You and your husband need to look out for each other.

princess_summer_blue84 · 11-13-2007, 08:02 PM

oh my goodness! Is she bipolar ? It sounds like she is Bipolar! Um, the only advice I can give to you is have her be put into a metal hospital where they will help her and make sure that she isn't using any type of drugs other than the ones that they prescibe to her. Also if she is pregnant and doing drugs I'm highly surprised that the baby will last having all that in it's little system. This is the best advice that I know to give you. I wish that I knew more to say.

Crazyaboutdogs · 11-13-2007, 08:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JadedStar

Dmn hon. I wish i had some magic words for you. This is big stuff.

ON the one hand i am inclined to say love her from afar but on the other if she is mentally deficient i can imagine the guilt you would suffer turning your back on her.

Commitment is hard, but if she has mental issues along with the drug problems can you put her in a hospital for help with a court order? That is what I would do.

You say she is severely mentally ill. What mental disorder does she suffer from?

YOur husband might be right in that she might have to hit rock bottom, but if she is not fully competent you both will suffer a lot of guilt if something really bad happens to her.

Good luck hon. My heart goes out to you. My father is mentally ill and he has raked us thru the coals thru my life too and i know how hard it is. I have had to have him committed to mental hospital as well and it is never easy.

One thing is very clear - you need to try to have her tubes tied either thru court order or get her in a lucid state long enough to agree to it. More children do not need to be born into this rollercoaster!!

Are they actually allowed to do that? I thought there was a big controversy over that?

sandyv · 11-13-2007, 08:06 PM

Sallie, so sorry to hear of your heart ache, that is truly painful stuff..

I think you've done all you can do actually, now you just have to hope for the best I think.... Its apparent you love and care for your daughter... but I think sometimes that also means letting go, even though its hard...

And I agree with JS, she needs her tubes tied, to prevent further problems and difficulties for herself and you too.

I hope something happens that will change this situation, its so unfair to you and your family...

Take Care

xxx

Sandy

JadedStar · 11-13-2007, 08:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crazyaboutdogs

Are they actually allowed to do that? I thought there was a big controversy over that?

I honestly don't know crazyaboutdogs. But if it were my daughter i would try SOMEHOW to have it done, even if i had to try to manipulate her to the doctor's office. I do what i gotta do. I would NOT want her having any children under this circumstance.

I know it is a big controversy but i think that is b.s. Sadly our laws rarely consider the unborn children and in these cases and it is all about the rights of the parent..they don't consider how they will suffer being dragged thru the streets with a parent not only mentally unstable but a drug addict to boot. Laws rarely protect children the way they should.

So i cannot answer you if this is allowed or not.

karvala · 11-13-2007, 08:09 PM

Goodness me, I'm sorry that you, and honestly she, have to go through this. Psychosis and drug addiction is a pretty explosive combination.

The question that just leaps out from the page upon reading that is simply this: is she having treatment (in the form of medication) for her psychosis? Because that to me seems the key to it all, and without that, I doubt anything else will be successful for very long. If she is, does she take her medication regularly? Does she still get psychotic episodes (unrelated to the drug taking)?

I don't envy you this, and it's a very tough thing I'd suggest, but if she is not on medication, or refuses to take it, the kindest thing you can do for her, and her children, is not to threaten to have her committed, but actually to have her committed. With the combination of her problems, she is simply not in a position any longer to make an informed choice. With forced treatment, she can at least then get into the position where she can enter drug rehabilitation and actually want to get clean and stay clean, which is obviously the second stage in helping her. But really, I doubt drug rehab has much chance of working if she has an untreated psychosis haunting her.

I'm sure things can get better, but it isn't jail or a hardline that will get her there, it's proper medical treatment, which she urgently needs by the sound of it.

JadedStar · 11-13-2007, 08:11 PM

I don't envy you this, and it's a very tough thing I'd suggest, but if she is not on medication, or refuses to take it, the kindest thing you can do for her, and her children, is not to threaten to have her committed, but actually to have her committed.

Exactly karvala. I would do it. It is a hard thing to do - i know firsthand having had to do it with my father - but it was very necessary and that is what got me thru it.

sallen2006 · 11-13-2007, 09:02 PM

Oh, thank you everybody. I didn't expect so much support and really appreciate your positive responses.

I guess I should clear things up a bit.

She was originally diagnosed with bipolar disorder but they changed it to schizophrenia due to the severity of her symptoms. Her case manager recently told me that it is impossible to accurately diagnose while she is taking drugs because drug addiction often mimics mental illness and definitely makes any MI symptoms much worse.

She was either psychotic or under the influence of drugs when these things happened and I have had her involuntarily committed many times. Some times though, like when the police made me give the children back to her, they declined to admit her because they felt she wasn't suicidal or homicidal- a ***BIG*** criteria for involuntary commitment. She could walk around all day thinking the CIA had planted a camera in her eye and hearing voices as long as she didn't SAY she wanted to hurt herself or somebody else. I know, it's hard to believe but that's the way they do it- at least here in WV.

Right now she is reasonably stable, on her meds, and, I believe, not using drugs. She seems more clear than usual but her judgment still seems wayyy off to me and I'm really worried about the pregnancy. Last time, her pdoc took her off all of her meds and she did fine until the DAY she gave birth. She had the worst psychotic episode I've ever seen, shortly after the baby was born.

I do love my daughter and adore

my grandchildren. I feel terribly guilty that I'm not ecstatic that I am expecting another one but I can't imagine the life this child will have. Luckily, my daughter's ex is providing her oldest child a stable environment and we've practically raised the youngest one (she's three) since birth and have done everything we can to insure she is in a stable home. Still, we haven't been able to shield them from everything. They still don't have their mommy.

Thanks again for the wonderful advice and for letting me rant. It helps a lot.

Sallie

11-13-2007, 07:51 PM	#1
sallen2006 Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 3	What am I going to do about my daughter? Hi- I'm new and at my wits end. It's a long story so thank you for taking the time to read it. My 28 year old daughter is severely mentally ill and addicted to drugs as well. She was fine until five years ago when she had a psychotic episode while in college. Up until that point, she had her own home, a job, and went to school full time. Everything was honestly fine with her. Since then, she has been hospitalized at least 20 times for psychosis and the difference is unbelievable. She lost custody of her daughter to her ex-husband, got pregnant again while she was completely psychotic, has used every drug known to mankind, and has lost custody of her second child to me. She has assaulted me, threatened to shoot me, woke her older daughter (then 4) up in the middle of the night and verbally abused and scratched her, taken the child to a near stranger's house when she was psychotic and literally dumped her off, driven both children around in a car with absolutely no brakes, shaved (don't ask me how) my tabby cat, stole my credit card TWICE, and has been in jail for the second theft. My husband and I allowed her to live with us until we could no longer tolerate her behavior and then moved her into a rental apartment that we own and have spent thousands of dollars in legal fees, traffic fines, utility bills and such. She had, supported herself and her oldest daughter, and we actually thought we were helping relieve some stress. She tried to live on her own for about four months but that ended when they found her wandering around the hospital lobby with her youngest saying that she "didn't want to kill her baby." After she stole my credit card, she fled the county because she was court ordered into rehab and didn't go. She left her youngest daughter with me and that's when I filed for custody. She later plea bargained down to probation and wanted to move back in with me and I refused- partly because she wasn't allowed contact with her daughter. She stayed at the Salvation Army for awhile, was heavily using drugs, moved into an apartment with an abusive crack addict, and last week he beat her up. She is now staying at a domestic violence shelter. She called me last night to tell me that she is pregnant. I am at a complete loss. Both she and the father are drug addicts. He is beyond abusive (she told me he held her kitten's head under water and stuck it in a freezer.) She is mentally ill and. while she was honestly a good mother when she was stable and abstaining from drugs, you see what kind of things she is capable of when she's not. Who is going to take care of this baby??? Before she lost custody, I, as well as mental health workers, had hoped that Child Protective Services would intervene and contacted them many times. All to no avail. Investigations consisted of a home visit weeks after the episodes. I contacted the police once and they ordered me to return the children to her because, "Since she was legally competent, there was nothing they could do." She had those babies for two weeks while thinking that they were "putting messages in her head," and that "the television was talking to her." It's been absolutely surreal and I am at a complete loss. To make matters worse, my husband has completely washed his hands of her because she refuses to go to drug rehabilitation. He believes that she is going to have to "hit bottom" on her own but I'm afraid she is going to end up dead. In the past year she has overdosed, almost died from a treatment resistant staph infection (she walked out of the hospital AMA with a stint leading to her heart in her arm and I had to threaten to have her involuntarily committed for her to go have it removed,) has been raped, homeless, assaulted, and now pregnant. How much closer to the bottom could she get??? Okay, I'm through with my rant. I just feel sick and guilty and angry and frustrated. I don't know what to do about her anymore. One on hand, I just want to protect her but, on the other, I have to consider the safety and sanity of the rest of my family. Thanks for listening. Sallie

11-13-2007, 08:02 PM	#4
princess_summer_blue84 Offline Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Tennessee Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 679	oh my goodness! Is she bipolar ? It sounds like she is Bipolar! Um, the only advice I can give to you is have her be put into a metal hospital where they will help her and make sure that she isn't using any type of drugs other than the ones that they prescibe to her. Also if she is pregnant and doing drugs I'm highly surprised that the baby will last having all that in it's little system. This is the best advice that I know to give you. I wish that I knew more to say. __________________ Justin ~ N~ Courtney Forever and Always

11-13-2007, 08:09 PM	#8
karvala Online Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Gender: None Specified Posts: 2,330	Goodness me, I'm sorry that you, and honestly she, have to go through this. Psychosis and drug addiction is a pretty explosive combination. The question that just leaps out from the page upon reading that is simply this: is she having treatment (in the form of medication) for her psychosis? Because that to me seems the key to it all, and without that, I doubt anything else will be successful for very long. If she is, does she take her medication regularly? Does she still get psychotic episodes (unrelated to the drug taking)? I don't envy you this, and it's a very tough thing I'd suggest, but if she is not on medication, or refuses to take it, the kindest thing you can do for her, and her children, is not to threaten to have her committed, but actually to have her committed. With the combination of her problems, she is simply not in a position any longer to make an informed choice. With forced treatment, she can at least then get into the position where she can enter drug rehabilitation and actually want to get clean and stay clean, which is obviously the second stage in helping her. But really, I doubt drug rehab has much chance of working if she has an untreated psychosis haunting her. I'm sure things can get better, but it isn't jail or a hardline that will get her there, it's proper medical treatment, which she urgently needs by the sound of it. __________________ May you live all the days of your life Trying to heal from after a breakup? Perhaps you need Enhanced No Contact: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?p=1438257

11-13-2007, 07:58 PM	#2
JadedStar Offline Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: On a star far, far away... Posts: 16,339	Dmn hon. I wish i had some magic words for you. This is big stuff. ON the one hand i am inclined to say love her from afar but on the other if she is mentally deficient i can imagine the guilt you would suffer turning your back on her. Commitment is hard, but if she has mental issues along with the drug problems can you put her in a hospital for help with a court order? That is what I would do. You say she is severely mentally ill. What mental disorder does she suffer from? YOur husband might be right in that she might have to hit rock bottom, but if she is not fully competent you both will suffer a lot of guilt if something really bad happens to her. Good luck hon. My heart goes out to you. My father is mentally ill and he has raked us thru the coals thru my life too and i know how hard it is. I have had to have him committed to mental hospital as well and it is never easy. One thing is very clear - you need to try to have her tubes tied either thru court order or get her in a lucid state long enough to agree to it. More children do not need to be born into this rollercoaster!!

11-13-2007, 08:02 PM	#3
Crazyaboutdogs Online Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 15,631	I have to agree with your husband on this one. As painful as this is, you have to let her go. You can't save her from herself...you must save yourself. If she wants to be involved in drugs and unsavoury characters, you need to stay well away from her and not risk your life trying to save her. Her poor children are the ones who are suffering, and they will likely be very messed up when they grow up, but there is nothing much you can do at this point. There are some people who just don't learn and there is nothing anybody else can do to shake sense into them. You can't protect her anymore...she is an adult. You and your husband need to look out for each other.

11-13-2007, 08:06 PM	#6
sandyv Offline Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Toronto, Canada Gender: Female Posts: 1,877	Sallie, so sorry to hear of your heart ache, that is truly painful stuff.. I think you've done all you can do actually, now you just have to hope for the best I think.... Its apparent you love and care for your daughter... but I think sometimes that also means letting go, even though its hard... And I agree with JS, she needs her tubes tied, to prevent further problems and difficulties for herself and you too. I hope something happens that will change this situation, its so unfair to you and your family... Take Care xxx Sandy

11-13-2007, 08:11 PM	#9
JadedStar Offline Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: On a star far, far away... Posts: 16,339	I don't envy you this, and it's a very tough thing I'd suggest, but if she is not on medication, or refuses to take it, the kindest thing you can do for her, and her children, is not to threaten to have her committed, but actually to have her committed. Exactly karvala. I would do it. It is a hard thing to do - i know firsthand having had to do it with my father - but it was very necessary and that is what got me thru it.

11-13-2007, 09:02 PM	#10
sallen2006 Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 3	Oh, thank you everybody. I didn't expect so much support and really appreciate your positive responses. I guess I should clear things up a bit. She was originally diagnosed with bipolar disorder but they changed it to schizophrenia due to the severity of her symptoms. Her case manager recently told me that it is impossible to accurately diagnose while she is taking drugs because drug addiction often mimics mental illness and definitely makes any MI symptoms much worse. She was either psychotic or under the influence of drugs when these things happened and I have had her involuntarily committed many times. Some times though, like when the police made me give the children back to her, they declined to admit her because they felt she wasn't suicidal or homicidal- a *BIG* criteria for involuntary commitment. She could walk around all day thinking the CIA had planted a camera in her eye and hearing voices as long as she didn't SAY she wanted to hurt herself or somebody else. I know, it's hard to believe but that's the way they do it- at least here in WV. Right now she is reasonably stable, on her meds, and, I believe, not using drugs. She seems more clear than usual but her judgment still seems wayyy off to me and I'm really worried about the pregnancy. Last time, her pdoc took her off all of her meds and she did fine until the DAY she gave birth. She had the worst psychotic episode I've ever seen, shortly after the baby was born. I do love my daughter and adore my grandchildren. I feel terribly guilty that I'm not ecstatic that I am expecting another one but I can't imagine the life this child will have. Luckily, my daughter's ex is providing her oldest child a stable environment and we've practically raised the youngest one (she's three) since birth and have done everything we can to insure she is in a stable home. Still, we haven't been able to shield them from everything. They still don't have their mommy. Thanks again for the wonderful advice and for letting me rant. It helps a lot. Sallie