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How can I tell if married man is attracted to me?


fhgal

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I know a married man who comes to my house on occasion to pick up his child from playdates. I'm married, too. I realized one day that I'm attracted to him physically; I'm happy when I see him, and feel butterflies. The feeling just kind of came out of left field, because it's not like I have ever been looking or even thinking about other men. If i look at it objectively, he really doesn't do anything that would lead me to believe that he's attracted to me; our conversation is friendly and casual, and in front of the children...yet I can't help but wonder if he's attracted to me...could I be picking up a vibe from him? Why would I feel so attracted to someone if I didn't feel somewhere that the feeling was mutual? Becuase we are never alone, neither one of us has said anything "flirtatious" to eachother; there isn't much eye contact, because I am afraid to look at him for fear that he'll see that I'm really attracted to him. But somehow, I feel such a strong attraction, I am baffled by it. Why have I allowed myself to "cross the line" with this person versus all the other dads I have come into contact with over the years? I'd love to hear some points of view. Thanks.

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Well, it just feels good to have the feeling of being attracted/infatuated with someone, the infatuation feeling being something that is impossible to feel with the person I've been married to for 15 years (although I love him with all my heart and soul)...it's hard to ignore it and put it on a shelf, so I ponder it. I'm not doing anything about it. But sometimes I wonder how I could feel this without there being some underlying vibe thing going on. Anyway, thanks for your input.

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It's a bit disconcerting that your question isn't more along the lines of "I'm strongly attracted to another man and I'm married, what should I do".

 

I have no answer to your question other than, it's called "chemistry". His look, his stance, his attitude, his charm, his way with words, you identify him with Daddy, he's good with his kids, a combination of the above, other stuff.

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Well there will always be people you will have a physical attraction to, but that doesn't mean you should cheat on your husband, or even think of doing so.

 

If you are having butterfly feelings with this married man, then there is probably something wrong in YOUR marriage.

 

so

 

a. try to fix the problems with your husband and get back the butterfly feelings with him.

b. don't have any more play dates with your children

c. get a divorce and find a single guy.

 

weather or not he is attracted to you is irrelevant. Worry about your own life and family, and let him worry about his.

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sometimes we're attracted to people we find attractive. sometimes it's to do with a mutual chemistry, and other times it's one way.

 

But you are attracted to him. And that's normal. You never mentioned you had any intention of having an affair, so I won't even go down that path. It's just attraction. Chemistry, as the above poster said. normal normal normal.

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Thanks so much for your replies. I will not have an affair. I know it's normal to be attracted to other people every now and then, but it's just so frustrating because it does feel so good to have that infatuation/attraction feeling that you can only have with forbidden fruit or someone new...the only thing that gets me over it is time away from that person. Fortunately, I don't see him that often, but when I do, it really throws me for a loop.

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Yes. And as I said, I am not intending on having an affair. I have no idea if he is even attracted to me. When he comes, he lingers, we talk and it feels good, but from his standpoint, he could just be making conversation while picking up his child. I, however, feel butterflies. So is it so bad to be married, and still feel butterflies when you're talking to someone? Is that considered cheating if I'm feeling physically attracted to someone, feel the butterflies, but don't act on anything? I must admit, it feels good to feel that feeling. We are only having casual conversation and we are never, ever alone in a room together, so it could really never be, even if I wanted it to. And I would never act really flirty with him, becuase it would be so inappropriate, but my private thoughts are my private thoughts, and I have not shared them with him or anyone else (except here).

 

Anyway, I was wondering what your opionions are on how bad it is to just think about, or enjoy the other person while you're with them, for the butterflies and excitement that you feel if you're married. Thanks.

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Feeling the butterflies isn't cheating. Everyone will find an attraction to someone else during the duration of marriage. But committed people will realize these are fleeting feelings and not act on them.

 

Acting on them is what can make you cross over to the line of cheater.

 

You can get a temporary ego boost without doing anything about it. However, i think this is a warning sign that you are here talking about this other guy and nurturing these butterflies and that you need to start paying more attention to your marriage. When these things happen it could be that we are taken our husband or wife for granted. Take this as a symptom that smoething could potentially need tending to in your marriage.

 

Work on getting the butterflies back wtih the man you married. sounds like you are in complacent mode right now.

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That's possible, Jaded Star. We've been together a long time and things definitely have gotten complacent, but very comfortable. This is the first time, however, that I've really felt those butterflies with someone new. But I can't imagine how one can replicate the butterflies that you feel with "forbidden fruit" or a first kiss with someone new, with the person you've been with for almost two decades. Any advice would be GLADLY taken!!!!

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That's possible, Jaded Star. We've been together a long time and things definitely have gotten complacent, but very comfortable. This is the first time, however, that I've really felt those butterflies with someone new. But I can't imagine how one can replicate the butterflies that you feel with "forbidden fruit" or a first kiss with someone new, with the person you've been with for almost two decades. Any advice would be GLADLY taken!!!!

 

Married people can get back the spark if they work at it. Think about it like this - people who have affairs sure do go thru a lot of work to see that person and look good for them, etc. If we go thru those same hoops for our husband or wife we can make it far more exciting.

 

Send him a naughty suggestive email sometimes. Make plans for a date just the two of you. Wear something sexy. Be playful thru the night. YOu'd be surprised how much you can reconnect.

 

When people get complacent they just don't work on it as hard is all. Take lessons from people who have had affairs but instead have the affair with your husband. People sneaking off for a tryst spend more time in one hour one on one quality time then some married people do in a week. Try to capture this with your husband.

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Thanks so much for your replies. I will not have an affair. I know it's normal to be attracted to other people every now and then, but it's just so frustrating because it does feel so good to have that infatuation/attraction feeling that you can only have with forbidden fruit or someone new...the only thing that gets me over it is time away from that person. Fortunately, I don't see him that often, but when I do, it really throws me for a loop.

 

I think this is a healthy response, and marriage doesn't exactly barr you from having emotional pings towards men you find attractive. You're still a woman before anything else.

 

It's really what you do about that feeling and how you respond to your own feelings that makes the difference.

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I just saw him at a school function. He came in after me, and sat down right behind me (where his kids were already sitting), unbeknownst to me. I half turned my head, noticed he was there, and gave a two second hello, barely turning my head all around and barely smiling. I definitely act strangely around him when there are other people around, in the sense of I am not casually, breezy friendly with him like I am with everyone else, precisely because I am attracted to him, and, I guess, don't want anyone else to see that. He barely gave me a hello. He appeared cold, weird, awkward and like he didn't want to share any kind of exchange with me. I am wondering whether he he's annoyed by me...I don't think there is any way he could know for sure that I feel an attraction towards him, because I've said/done nothing flirtatious. But then I remember how friendly and relaxed he appears when we're the only adults (children are always there) in the room. Any thoughts? Thanks.

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P.S. I haven't really thought about him since the last time I saw him, but once again, when I bump into him, it throws me off. I actually have been focusing on my marriage, and things have been good in that department. I took your advice, Jaded Star, and got a little "creative" with my husband. It's just weird that I get thrown off a bit when I bump into this other guy, and I get stuck in the moment.

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LOL. This is hysterical! Good to know for us single folk that you can be married and still find ways to, uh, "reconnect".

 

LOL we don't reconnect cuz we have never disconnected. We are pretty passionate people.

 

He appeared cold, weird, awkward and like he didn't want to share any kind of exchange with me. I am wondering whether he he's annoyed by me...I don't think there is any way he could know for sure that I feel an attraction towards him, because I've said/done nothing flirtatious

 

 

fhgal, I hate to break this to you so bluntly but - he may not share this attraction at all and is totally oblivious to it thereforeeee what you think as being cold or withdrawn is simply him going about his own business and dealing with whatever was on his mind. I doubt he was thinking intentionally "oh there is so and so let me ignore her".

 

He probably is not thinking anything at all. He is a married man and if he is a decent man you are not on his mind the level he is on yours.

 

I couldn't think of any other way to say this less bluntly and i am usually pretty decent with words. I think his lack of any reaction whatsoever was proof that there was nothing to react too. He is not sharing this crush.

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Well, all I can say is that I have gotten all kinds of responses from this man, from him being very friendly and chatty and pursuing a conversation with me, to me being ignored in a public setting (but I always ignore him in a public setting around our peers, too), to me catching him totally staring at me when he thought I wouldn't catch him, etc. The bottom line is that I will never know how he feels, because neither one of us will ever cross that line to find out. I'll never really know the answer. I think there is a possiblity that he's attracted, but it's a pointless thought. SO HOW CAN I FORGET ABOUT THIS PERSON????? These thoughts are now starting to get annoying.

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