Great exercise for everyone coming into acceptance

love4life · 11-05-2007, 12:23 PM

Hey everyone,
I know there are a lot of us here who have finally come into acceptance that our relationships are over and are now able to see clearly the red flags displayed by our exes, as well as our own mistakes. I know I've been thinking about these things the last week or so.

Well, this weekend I took the plunge and put my profile back up on match.com. I have seen a few guys that catch my eye, but I have some doubts. Part of me feels like I can't trust them and that what their profiles say are just for show, and aren't the truth; I'm afraid I'll get my heart broken again.

Now, I learned from therapy and from reading "Bonds that Make Us Free" that any fears, insecurities, feelings of distrust, actually start within and that we may project these feelings onto other people. I'm fully aware that this is what I'm doing to these men I haven't even met yet. Still, I couldn't sleep well last night and found myself bawling my eyes out because I don't feel I can trust myself to not make the same mistakes. I never used to do this. I was never guarded. Always looked for the good in people, always gave people the benefit of the doubt. I feel like that's gone and I need to get it back.

Well, I feel better today and actually just spent 2 1/2 hours (thanks to my cushy job) typing out the chronology of this relationship. I wrote down the major events of the relationship in which I saw red flags or "green" flags (good things); and wrote down the gut feelings I had in response to those flags. Funnily enough, I counted 21 "bad" gut feelings that I pushed aside and 14 "good" gut feelings that I blew up and put too much emphasis on because I wanted the relationship to work.

Writing this out was a great exercise and I was able to write out not only the red flags about the ex, but MY mistakes. Being able to read these mistakes and remind myself of them is the first step, I believe, in making sure I don't make them again. I also have the list of red flags to keep in mind.

Anyway, I encourage everyone to take the time to do this and, if you feel so inspired, to share them here. It's been very helpful!

My lessons learned...

Red flags:
Short-term relationship history (3-4 months)
Admission to commitmentphobia and pushing GFs away after a couple months
Lack of interest in going to therapy or couples counseling to address the fear of commitment
Spur-of-the-moment dates
Couldn’t make a plan – needed me to nag/handhold
Views on marriage
View on finances
Divorced parents
Alcoholic mother
Excessive drinking
Inconsistent opinions
Resentment of me asking for help
Limited range of emotions
Manic-Depression

My mistakes:
Not voicing my feelings
Not setting boundaries/expectations early on and following through with them
Not heeding first warning signs of commitmentphobia
Being too available
Giving too much at the expense of my own self-respect
Allowing enjoyable sex/physical connection to control my feelings and overshadow lack of personality chemistry

Iarra · 11-05-2007, 03:04 PM

Hey love4life,

I've been thinking objectively about my ex's habits too, and there were also a lot of red flags that I chose to ignore, especially the way that he treated his ex. I was led to believe that he responded to her that way because she was "crazy", but now I know she was only acting that way because of the hurt that my ex caused. Another red flag was his intense feelings at the start of the relationship. He told a mutual friend that he wanted to protect me, even at the expense of his life. Yeah, right.

It's those sappy love songs and movies, I tell ya! It sounds so romantic it made us believe that this is a green flag. Tsk tsk.

My mistakes were pretty much the same as yours, in that I didn't set up a lot of boundaries. I did in the beginning, when I still didn't trust him fully, but I loosened up in a big way after some time. I became too available. And that was the beginning of the end.

11-05-2007, 12:23 PM	#1
love4life Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Arlington, VA Gender: Female Age: 28 Posts: 1,683	Great exercise for everyone coming into acceptance Hey everyone, I know there are a lot of us here who have finally come into acceptance that our relationships are over and are now able to see clearly the red flags displayed by our exes, as well as our own mistakes. I know I've been thinking about these things the last week or so. Well, this weekend I took the plunge and put my profile back up on match.com. I have seen a few guys that catch my eye, but I have some doubts. Part of me feels like I can't trust them and that what their profiles say are just for show, and aren't the truth; I'm afraid I'll get my heart broken again. Now, I learned from therapy and from reading "Bonds that Make Us Free" that any fears, insecurities, feelings of distrust, actually start within and that we may project these feelings onto other people. I'm fully aware that this is what I'm doing to these men I haven't even met yet. Still, I couldn't sleep well last night and found myself bawling my eyes out because I don't feel I can trust myself to not make the same mistakes. I never used to do this. I was never guarded. Always looked for the good in people, always gave people the benefit of the doubt. I feel like that's gone and I need to get it back. Well, I feel better today and actually just spent 2 1/2 hours (thanks to my cushy job) typing out the chronology of this relationship. I wrote down the major events of the relationship in which I saw red flags or "green" flags (good things); and wrote down the gut feelings I had in response to those flags. Funnily enough, I counted 21 "bad" gut feelings that I pushed aside and 14 "good" gut feelings that I blew up and put too much emphasis on because I wanted the relationship to work. Writing this out was a great exercise and I was able to write out not only the red flags about the ex, but MY mistakes. Being able to read these mistakes and remind myself of them is the first step, I believe, in making sure I don't make them again. I also have the list of red flags to keep in mind. Anyway, I encourage everyone to take the time to do this and, if you feel so inspired, to share them here. It's been very helpful! My lessons learned... Red flags: Short-term relationship history (3-4 months) Admission to commitmentphobia and pushing GFs away after a couple months Lack of interest in going to therapy or couples counseling to address the fear of commitment Spur-of-the-moment dates Couldn’t make a plan – needed me to nag/handhold Views on marriage View on finances Divorced parents Alcoholic mother Excessive drinking Inconsistent opinions Resentment of me asking for help Limited range of emotions Manic-Depression My mistakes: Not voicing my feelings Not setting boundaries/expectations early on and following through with them Not heeding first warning signs of commitmentphobia Being too available Giving too much at the expense of my own self-respect Allowing enjoyable sex/physical connection to control my feelings and overshadow lack of personality chemistry __________________ "Don't jump FROM something; jump TO something."

11-05-2007, 03:04 PM	#2
Iarra Offline Silver Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 485	Hey love4life, I've been thinking objectively about my ex's habits too, and there were also a lot of red flags that I chose to ignore, especially the way that he treated his ex. I was led to believe that he responded to her that way because she was "crazy", but now I know she was only acting that way because of the hurt that my ex caused. Another red flag was his intense feelings at the start of the relationship. He told a mutual friend that he wanted to protect me, even at the expense of his life. Yeah, right. It's those sappy love songs and movies, I tell ya! It sounds so romantic it made us believe that this is a green flag. Tsk tsk. My mistakes were pretty much the same as yours, in that I didn't set up a lot of boundaries. I did in the beginning, when I still didn't trust him fully, but I loosened up in a big way after some time. I became too available. And that was the beginning of the end.