I am just so depressed right now

[Gracelove]

Sometimes it seems that I can't escape the pain. Sometimes it overwhelms me and I feel hopeless.

I try and try to get out of this nightmare. And just when I think I've made it, something takes me back to the pain I felt.

And I just don't want to do it anymore. I feel like a hamster that's running in circles.

And I want answers, I want explanations, but it's not like I'm getting any, not any that make sense.

And I'm not the type to give up, I'm too afraid of the result. There is nothing on the other side of giving up.

But then sometimes I feel so tired, just so tired. And it's hard it's so hard.

And it's hard to believe I'll have any life similar to what I used to dream of.

And I want out. I'm so very tired.

I don't care what anyone says, rape just doesn't make sense. And as time passes, I don't know if it gets any easier. I feel like triggers send me back to square one, and sometimes it's just hard to breathe.

I can't even describe it. Rape is the one thing that I just can't describe.

It's sex right? Why does it do this to people? It should be so simple, as if someone steals something from you. You get angry, and you move on.

But..my mind, my brain, it just won't do, what I want it to do. My heart, my heart aches. And sometimes I think I'm crazy to think that I could control anything.

But I just don't know what to do anymore.

I try, I give it my all, and..........

and I'm broken. And I don't know if I can be fixed. I don't know that I could, can, ever be fixed.

And it's killing me inside.

Nothing seems to help me, sometimes I feel so lost.

And I'm just trying to keep myself together, my body, my mind. But it seems I just can't do it.

How long? How much longer can I survive this?

[hazlcha]

I hear what you say. The best I can do is try to imagine what you must feel, but I'm sure that it is completely inadequate. You have every right to feel as you do, and to share that with us on this forum and with whoever will listen to you without trying to fix everything.

[samisue]

Hang in there. It will get better. Really... it gets better.

I've been where you are, and hearing your desperation, frustration, anger, and sadness, takes me back to journals I kept just 5-10 years ago. Now I can REMEMBER feeling that way. I don't live it every day anymore.

It's not to say that everything gets all better and never bothers you again. But in time, with some healing, you will gain some distance. I've read many of your posts. You have plenty of strength.

Rough days are what forums like this are all about. Enjoy the good days though. Give yourself credit for the good days. I remember feeling so silly doing this, but now I will recommend it for you... it did really help. Keep a calendar and rate your day. Just a quick number or a smiley face/frowny face. Look at the good days when it seems so hopeless. I know it sounds cheesy, it felt cheesy, but it worked. I needed to realize what seemed so unrelenting did allow me some respite, if only for a few hours or a day.

You can survive this!!! You will survive this! Take care of yourself. I'm sending hugs your way.

Sami

[Gracelove]

Hey There Hazlcha & Samisue!!!

Thank you so much for your support. It's really very encouraging. I was in a really bad place that day.

I don't know why, but sometimes I go through phases.

Like, now, the rape thing really bothers me. I feel different from everyone else, less than other women.

And recently I realize that I get really angry with myself for not being able to forget the rape.
And sometimes I wish that it could all be a lie. And sometimes I wish that I was lying. Because I'd much rather be a liar than a rape victim.

That's the hardest thing to deal with sometimes.

I think that my life could be perfect if I could just forget what happened. Make myself believe that it didn't happen.
But it seems like an impossible thing to do, and it hurts.

And also, I feel like the bad person.

Have you ever been in a position where someone did something, and they told you not to tell?

I feel like that. Even though that didn't happen to me in this case, I feel that way.

I told about the rape, and now I feel like the bad guy, the outsider, the trouble-maker.

I feel like I did myself a diservice by telling, because now many people know that I'm different. But that's only sometimes, only sometimes I feel that way.

Anywho, it's hard. I try to be brave about it, but most of the time I walk around as if it didn't happen.

Then I end up getting frustrated with myself, because my pretending isn't making it go away.....then I get angry, and then sad.

It has been 1yr. & 8mos. since the rape, and it still bothers me.

It should be old news, this shouldn't be affecting me anymore, I should be able to move on.

Then I get angry about the "disorders" I've been diagnosed as having, as a result of the rape.

I tell myself that they are just words, just titles, they don't mean anything. Then I walk around like nothing is wrong. Then a trigger occurs, and I have these crazy symptoms, and I'm reminded that those words, those labels, they are an accurate description of me, who I am now.

And "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder", I hate it. I hate the phrase, because it's way too long. I hate the effects, I hate it. I hate it, because it makes me feel like I'm crazy. And most of all I hate it because no one can tell me when it will go away.

I also hate it because they talk about your brain being re-wired as a result of trauma, and about things not connecting in your brain.

It makes me feel sad. Like, how did rape manage to damage my brain?

And it really hurts, I feel like a mess.

I want a normal brain.

Another thing I hate, is that since the assault, when I cry just a little bit, I get HUGE headaches.

And I think I'm angry. I angry with myself, because I should be able to recover from this.

I'm angry with my body for reacting this way. It shouldn't be this serious, rape shouldn't be able to do this must damage.

And I feel that my body is over-reacting, but I can't control it.

And sometimes I feel like a crazy lady.

And I keep thinking, "I just want to be normal. I just want to be normal", and I cry.

But I can't let myself cry too much, because if I do, I won't get out of bed. I shut down, and the depression kicks in, and I feel hopeless.

And then I think of suicide, and I've learned how not to let it get to that point.

So, I dry my eyes, and I force myself to think of other things. I tell myself that rape is no big deal, that it doesn't mean anything. And that I'm so stupid, for even thinking about it. Stupid, for acting like it's something serious. Stupid for thinking that maybe one day he'll get caught. Stupid to think that I'm important enough for anyone to even care. Stupid for feeling confused. And the list goes on....

And I want it all to just stop.

So, I've learned how to have two sides. I have the "me" that wasn't raped, and the "me", that was raped.
And things only get bad when they intertwine.

When I'm the person that wasn't raped, and then the side of me that was rape, all of a sudden shows up...that's when it gets bad.

Sometimes I feel out of control, like the two sides of me are merging without my control or permission.

So I could be having a perfectly good day, and then all of a sudden something pops up and reminds me of the rape.....and the other side comes out, the weak side.

And I have to go to the bathroom, dry my tears, and suck it up.
And I hate that. I really hate that.

[pacodemil]

Grace,

I wish there was someway to take away all of your pain and suffering. I would gladly take your burden as my own if I could. I know how hard life can be for everyone. Your situation is unique and delicate and I understand why it makes you feel the way it does at times. I only hope that knowing you have friends and loved ones that care about you always gives you the strength to move on in your life. There are many things in life that are terrible. However, the worst things in life are when you have something that belongs to you stolen from you. Whether it be the death of a child or a loved one, someone breaking your heart or someone violating your personal space. I honestly can't imagine myself, being the type of person that I am, having the strength and courage to confront a situation such as this the way that you have. You should be commended for your bravery and personal fortitude. What happened to you was an unforgivable act of cruelty. No one deserves to be put through what you have. Just know that each new day brings you one day closer to closure and one step further in the healing process. Even though at times it seems that you have taken steps back such is not the case. It is natural that one would have a hard time not looking back on that type of situation and not thinking about it often. Instead of allowing yourself to be weakend by your memories use these images to remind yourself how strong this has made you. Never think that you have to do this alone either. Know that there will always be a hand there waiting to help you should you falter. Thanks for being so strong and giving others the courage and strength to deal with similar situations the way that you have.

[hazlcha]

I'm angry with my body for reacting this way. It shouldn't be this serious, rape shouldn't be able to do this must damage.

How can you act as if nothing happened when so much happened? It seems to my layman's mind that fighting the memory of what happened saps you of the vital energy you have.

I don't know what, or if I or anyone, can suggest to make things better for you. You have the creative ability to turn your experience around into a force for healing and growth. How can you do that, find a purpose in what you have experienced to go forward in life?

Its easy with some things, like someone who wins the lottery can say they have been given a gift to help out the needy. OK, that's with good stuff.

Your case is heartrending to read. I pray you can find the way to accept what has happened and go forward to healing. Maybe the path is not around it, but through it - emotionally speaking.

I don't know. Our support and ears are yours.

[Gracelove]

Pacodemil

Thank you so much! What you said makes me cry. I really hope that time heals things, and I hope that each day I'm getting a little bit futher in my healing process.

Thanks so much, I never considered myself to give others courage.

The rape is so very weird, because it seems so far away, like it happened so long ago.
But if I stop to really think about it, I can remember everything, and it's like I'm there again.

I said I never wanted to see my rapist, or my ex-friend again. But I wonder if seeing them would make things much less surreal.

But I definitely never want to see them again, I think it would be traumatizing.

It's either surreal or really vivid, there doesn't seem to be any inbetween. I'm either really far away from it, or right in it, those are the only way my brain allows me to recall it.

I wish there was a way I could talk about it while feeling like I'm at a safe distance, but feel close enough to make it feel real.

I'm a little sleepy, so maybe I'm not explaining it right.

Most of the time when I talk about my rape I'm at a distance. I feel I'm telling someone else's story you know?

But if I'm across from my therapist, and all of the attention is on me....
And we are in that room, and there are no distractions, then I go back there. And I'm really scared, I feel like I'm there, like it's all happening to me again. And that's when I cry.

I'm either reliving it, or far away from it. I don't know. It's just really hard.

I feel like such a bad person. I hope I'll get over that one day.

Hazlcha

Originally Posted by hazlcha

Our support and ears are yours.

Thanks so much for saying this! I realllllllly appreciate it. It seems like I go through phases. For months I try to keep it inside, then all of a sudden it seems that I'm talking about it a lot.

You're right, it does take a lot of energy to fight it, the truth. For some reason the blame I feel towards myself is soooo strong. I don't know why, but I feel like the bad person.

I think it's because I've received a lot of blame.

I've been treated so badly at different times, after the rape. It took a while for my parents to adjust. My mother was angry at first, she was angry that I was different, was angry that I changed. She felt that I should have gotten over the rape instantly. She looked at is at just being sex, the end. It sucked, now it's time to move on. She didn't understand it at all.

My mother said some of the most hurtful things to me, right after the rape. I'll never understand why. Some people say that she just didn't know how to deal with it. But her reaction was damaging and overwhelming.

There is just sooo much badness surrounding the rape.

The rape changed my family dynamic completely. Everything changed, no one was happy, it's a very weird time.

I don't think I could sit down, and think of every horrible thing, and have a desire to be here tomorrow.

It's a lot.

I also think that my friend being involved in the rape, made things worse. I trusted her, and for her to do this to me, it means she must not have liked me very much.

So I feel like it's 2 against 1, and therefore I must be wrong.

And then they both did things, after the assault that were harmful. It's just weird, it feels like another world.

I can't describe it.

I still feel intimidated by them maybe. During that period of time they were in charge. They made the choices that changed my life. And if they think I'm in the wrong for telling, then they must be right. That's how I feel for some weird reason, but logically I know that they are the wrong ones.

I think that inside, I don't want them to be upset with me. I don't want to make trouble for them, because somehow I feel they could hurt me again.

I don't want to feel that way, but I do.

It's hard.

I'm not sure what to do. I don't like to go back to those moments, in my head you know? It's too painful. But....I don't know. I just don't know what to do to make myself not feel certain ways.

I feel like a trouble-maker, I feel that everyone close to me is inconvinenced(sp?) by my rape.

I don't know, a lot of things have happened in my past to make me feel this way I guess.

I know people who didn't think I should report him, because they thought I should "forgive" and let go. Then there are people who thought I shouldn't tell because we are of the same ethnicity and they think I'm doing a disservice to my race. There are the people who think I'm destroying his life, because if it weren't for him raping me he'd be the perfect bachelor. There are just so many implications, and things people have said. And even in the beginning my mother was quick to defend the "bad guys", and that really hurt me a lot.

So, what can I say? I wish I could say that the things I've heard haven't impacted me, but they have.

I know I wrote you a novel, LOL! I'm sorry about that. Sometimes the thoughts just keep coming.

Anywho, I really appreciate your support!

Sincerely,

Grace

[Anotherday]

I can't fix anything. I've been assaulted twice, by two different people. I imagine it's screwed me up. Only thing to do is to keep trying on working on myself to be happy. No sense living in the past.

BTW, I don't mean to be unsympathetic, but the bottom line is that one has to try to get past it and move forward. If that means counseling, get counseling. If that means staying away from men, stay away from men.

Time is the only thing that makes things fade away.

[hazlcha]

I know people who didn't think I should report him, because they thought I should "forgive" and let go. Then there are people who thought I shouldn't tell because we are of the same ethnicity and they think I'm doing a disservice to my race. There are the people who think I'm destroying his life (!!! -- my comment), because if it weren't for him raping me he'd be the perfect bachelor.

Please forgive me for saying what it is completely not my place to say, or, alternatively, "easy for me to say."

Any person who would even consider raping someone is obviously not a perfect bachelor. More so, they are a menace to whatever unfortunate woman falls into their power or influence. If you report him, you may very well be saving someone else from an even worse fate.

I understand how hard that is. I also understand that you feel guilty about the whole event. Somehow that if you hadn't been there, hadn't been vulnerable, the whole thing would not have happened. I'm sure you know how upside down it is for the victim of a crime to be the one feeling guilty. Obviously the perpetrator and his accomplice should be the ones on their knees begging you for forgiveness. You have no obligation to forgive them or protect them.

You can choose to forgive them at some point, and that may be a fantastic thing to do. When you are ready. But maybe you need to forgive yourself right away?

But I don't see any merit in protecting them. Forgiveness is in your heart, and is between you and them. Protecting them, on the other hand, could potentially involve others in the future.

It's really tough to face such a dilemma, I have no doubt. Going to the police kind of feels like ratting on somebody, inviting them to resent you. When you say that you have a need for people to respect you -- including those criminals -- that makes it harder to go to the police. It's as if you have joined the battle, and now everything gets equalized. And yet, imagine if the three of you were standing before God (or who/what ever you deem to be the source of morality in the world)? Who would He blame? What about if you were a judge and your case, with different people, came before you?

There is a lot of ignorance in the world about rape. We can't control what other people think, nor should we try too hard to. We can control what we think about ourselves, and we each have a voice of conscience inside us. Sometimes our conscience tells us to do something scary. We certainly have to make sure we don't expose ourselves to real danger. But short of that, listening to our conscience is what makes us capable of greatness.

I just read a short story yesterday which I highly recommend. It's in a new book by Stephen Covey called "Everyday Greatness." The story is in the chapter on being magnanimous, it's about a boy who was kidnapped and nearly murdered, and his encounter with the perpetrator decades later.

We are thinking about you, and I'm trying to understand.