Fear Fear Fear, Any Help??

istillluvu06 · 10-20-2007, 10:47 AM

Hi all again, anybody on here want to be back with your ex, still love them but letting fear and anger stop you?
Fear that you will get hurt again? and that the other person has said so many times things will be different, that you have a hard time believing it?
How do you try to help someone get over this, and is love strong enough to help get through it? We work together everyday, he's been telling me he loves me, is affectionate one day and different the next, even made me a card on his computer that said "i love you". We try to spend time together after work, dinner and stuff but end up getting into the past and argueing. Says how can he get reassurance? This is so hard cause we are so good together, if only somehow the past could be put aside for now.
I'm going through a horrible situation and need some input. My ex is scared of me..........

phwfbd55 · 10-20-2007, 11:13 AM

istilluv,

i believe the only way to stop the past from being broght up, is to refuse to talk about the past.

you are gonna have to set some sort of ground rules...."policy of joint agreement"

you two need to agree to agree on not bringing up the past. that will be one of the hardest things for yall tro do. seeing it gets brought up EVERY time.

im not sure who starts the "PAST" convos, but it has to be stopped...somwe how some way.

the past will always be on his mind and yours, but in time and your actions those bad memories will be filled with good, until a argument or something dredges them back up, and this is were the work comes in, to not bring it back up. or you will end up in the same place, with either you or him saying "see, i knew things wouldnt change".....then you have to start over.

begin again every day....you can do this

CatsMeeoow · 10-20-2007, 11:18 AM

I think it does take time to rebuild trust and when it is rushed the results are no good.

You need to work on not arguing.

Take the wind out of that sail before it hits.

Let's say he brings up something that upset him about your past... You say "you were right about X"... point of agreement... He can't argue with that.

Then say while that might have been true under this circumstance I feel it is not true now. Again another point of agreement but now things have changed.

Then compliment him on something he has done.

If you are used to arguing this tech will not bring immediate effects but if everytime you dissolve the friction before it's an argument you will essentially stop and move forward.

Really - is arguing helping??? no it's hurting??? Do some research in how to handle disagreements. Good Luck

istillluvu06 · 10-20-2007, 11:29 AM

Thanks P and Cats, This is tearing me up inside.
Not trying to rush anything, but get upset that he'll be really close one day and further away the next, then I worry if we will ever get through this and end up together again.
Like being in a storm and not being able to see past the clouds.
He has alot of anger towards me, and the situation. He feels cheated like he had his whole life planned out with me, and now this.
I know we can't argue, but I know some things need to come out too.
Feel like he misunderstands things I say and translates them into past thinking. Which makes it really hard.
Just so lonely and confused.

istillluvu06 · 10-20-2007, 11:50 AM

It's definatley true about not bringing it up, but it's obviously right there and is coming out because there is alot of anger on his part still.
I know time will prob help, but what if he never gets over it?
There is so much good stuff between us, but it's being suffocated by the past, and past experiences he's had.

theonethatiwant · 10-20-2007, 12:11 PM

the phrase "I understand" works wonders.

the only thing that will reassure him is consistant behavior on your part. Rehashing the past can only be done when both partners have healed and forgiven. Fear will kill you. Let go of it and meet him with calm and understanding.

You can't reassure him.

But you can bring a calm and understanding to the table that is helpful.
What do you understand? that he is right or all powerfull?
NO
you understand that he is hurt and fearful and it surfaces as anger. Just be as calm as possible and if things escalate say "I understand" and suggest that there maybe a better time to discuss this subject. Change the subject to something pleasant then thank him lovingly for his time and his effort and end the evening. Tell him how much you look forward to spending time with him on your next date and the focus gets shifted and you do it again next time until the practice is on the present and the past has been replaced with a new set of behaviors.

and love yourself.

istillluvu06 · 10-20-2007, 12:57 PM

Thanks, theonethatiwant.......Youre right about saying I understand.
Last night we had dinner and it was ok until the past got dredged back up.
its so frustrating!!!
I am writing him a short email to apologize for things not being so great last night and to let him know "I understand" how he feels, cause I do. Just so hard to be patient when you love someone and are confused.
His feelings mean alot to me.
He's also my best friend and I miss him so much

DN · 10-20-2007, 01:05 PM

I think you should talk about the past - but not to blame or to reinflame arguments and resentments. But to discuss what went wrong in an attempt to fix it and ensure those same issues don't come up again. Once you have done that - then you look to the future with more confidence and can let the past fade into the background.

He and you need to regain trust in each other - trust that you want to cause no unhappiness again.

istillluvu06 · 10-20-2007, 01:21 PM

Thanks DN, I would love more than anything for him to trust that I don't want to cause unhappiness again between us.
He keeps saying that he is doing the best that he can, and I beleive he is, but I also see he is paralyzed with fear.
I'm going to counseling, he isn't.
I wish he would go with me, but I know he won't at this point. He does'nt really have anyone to talk to, so that's why I think alot of stuff comes out between us.
I am his best friend too, so it's hard not to want to talk but yet it's hard cause it's about US!!

10-20-2007, 10:47 AM	#1
istillluvu06 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Stuck in NY But soon to be under the sunshine, next to the ocean, sand on my feet Gender: Female Age: 43 Posts: 758	Fear Fear Fear, Any Help?? Hi all again, anybody on here want to be back with your ex, still love them but letting fear and anger stop you? Fear that you will get hurt again? and that the other person has said so many times things will be different, that you have a hard time believing it? How do you try to help someone get over this, and is love strong enough to help get through it? We work together everyday, he's been telling me he loves me, is affectionate one day and different the next, even made me a card on his computer that said "i love you". We try to spend time together after work, dinner and stuff but end up getting into the past and argueing. Says how can he get reassurance? This is so hard cause we are so good together, if only somehow the past could be put aside for now. I'm going through a horrible situation and need some input. My ex is scared of me.......... __________________ **We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us** Joseph Campbell Last edited by istillluvu06; 10-20-2007 at 11:02 AM.

10-20-2007, 11:29 AM	#4
istillluvu06 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Stuck in NY But soon to be under the sunshine, next to the ocean, sand on my feet Gender: Female Age: 43 Posts: 758	Thanks P and Cats, This is tearing me up inside. Not trying to rush anything, but get upset that he'll be really close one day and further away the next, then I worry if we will ever get through this and end up together again. Like being in a storm and not being able to see past the clouds. He has alot of anger towards me, and the situation. He feels cheated like he had his whole life planned out with me, and now this. I know we can't argue, but I know some things need to come out too. Feel like he misunderstands things I say and translates them into past thinking. Which makes it really hard. Just so lonely and confused. __________________ **We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us** Joseph Campbell

10-20-2007, 11:50 AM	#5
istillluvu06 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Stuck in NY But soon to be under the sunshine, next to the ocean, sand on my feet Gender: Female Age: 43 Posts: 758	It's definatley true about not bringing it up, but it's obviously right there and is coming out because there is alot of anger on his part still. I know time will prob help, but what if he never gets over it? There is so much good stuff between us, but it's being suffocated by the past, and past experiences he's had. __________________ **We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us** Joseph Campbell

10-20-2007, 12:57 PM	#7
istillluvu06 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Stuck in NY But soon to be under the sunshine, next to the ocean, sand on my feet Gender: Female Age: 43 Posts: 758	Thanks, theonethatiwant.......Youre right about saying I understand. Last night we had dinner and it was ok until the past got dredged back up. its so frustrating!!! I am writing him a short email to apologize for things not being so great last night and to let him know "I understand" how he feels, cause I do. Just so hard to be patient when you love someone and are confused. His feelings mean alot to me. He's also my best friend and I miss him so much __________________ **We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us** Joseph Campbell

10-20-2007, 01:05 PM	#8
DN Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,439	I think you should talk about the past - but not to blame or to reinflame arguments and resentments. But to discuss what went wrong in an attempt to fix it and ensure those same issues don't come up again. Once you have done that - then you look to the future with more confidence and can let the past fade into the background. He and you need to regain trust in each other - trust that you want to cause no unhappiness again. __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

10-20-2007, 11:13 AM	#2
phwfbd55 Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: texas Gender: Male Age: 36 Posts: 290	istilluv, i believe the only way to stop the past from being broght up, is to refuse to talk about the past. you are gonna have to set some sort of ground rules...."policy of joint agreement" you two need to agree to agree on not bringing up the past. that will be one of the hardest things for yall tro do. seeing it gets brought up EVERY time. im not sure who starts the "PAST" convos, but it has to be stopped...somwe how some way. the past will always be on his mind and yours, but in time and your actions those bad memories will be filled with good, until a argument or something dredges them back up, and this is were the work comes in, to not bring it back up. or you will end up in the same place, with either you or him saying "see, i knew things wouldnt change".....then you have to start over. begin again every day....you can do this

10-20-2007, 11:18 AM	#3
CatsMeeoow Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: In The Middle Of It All Gender: Female Age: 40 Posts: 1,775	I think it does take time to rebuild trust and when it is rushed the results are no good. You need to work on not arguing. Take the wind out of that sail before it hits. Let's say he brings up something that upset him about your past... You say "you were right about X"... point of agreement... He can't argue with that. Then say while that might have been true under this circumstance I feel it is not true now. Again another point of agreement but now things have changed. Then compliment him on something he has done. If you are used to arguing this tech will not bring immediate effects but if everytime you dissolve the friction before it's an argument you will essentially stop and move forward. Really - is arguing helping??? no it's hurting??? Do some research in how to handle disagreements. Good Luck

10-20-2007, 12:11 PM	#6
theonethatiwant Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 104	the phrase "I understand" works wonders. the only thing that will reassure him is consistant behavior on your part. Rehashing the past can only be done when both partners have healed and forgiven. Fear will kill you. Let go of it and meet him with calm and understanding. You can't reassure him. But you can bring a calm and understanding to the table that is helpful. What do you understand? that he is right or all powerfull? NO you understand that he is hurt and fearful and it surfaces as anger. Just be as calm as possible and if things escalate say "I understand" and suggest that there maybe a better time to discuss this subject. Change the subject to something pleasant then thank him lovingly for his time and his effort and end the evening. Tell him how much you look forward to spending time with him on your next date and the focus gets shifted and you do it again next time until the practice is on the present and the past has been replaced with a new set of behaviors. and love yourself.

10-20-2007, 01:21 PM	#9
istillluvu06 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Stuck in NY But soon to be under the sunshine, next to the ocean, sand on my feet Gender: Female Age: 43 Posts: 758	Thanks DN, I would love more than anything for him to trust that I don't want to cause unhappiness again between us. He keeps saying that he is doing the best that he can, and I beleive he is, but I also see he is paralyzed with fear. I'm going to counseling, he isn't. I wish he would go with me, but I know he won't at this point. He does'nt really have anyone to talk to, so that's why I think alot of stuff comes out between us. I am his best friend too, so it's hard not to want to talk but yet it's hard cause it's about US!! __________________ **We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us** Joseph Campbell Last edited by istillluvu06; 10-20-2007 at 02:04 PM.