Depressed.......

[Gracelove]

How am I going to live as a person in society as a rape victim? It seems like it will be more challenging than I originally thought.

I was doing so very well, things were getting better.
Then I got a call.
An older lady who is really sweet. She was molested as a child, I met her through church.

She called me to invite me to a workshop about abuse and assault, and that was just it.

I've been very strong, I know I have. I give it my all. But...I'm not ready for that at all. And somehow her invitation upset me. I just wish that people didn't know.

At one point I wanted everyone to know, I didn't want it to be a secret any longer.

I've gotten it out now, and I'm ready to move on. I am soooo ready to move on.

And this lady is either in her 60's or 70's, she is the one that told me I'll never get over it.

I just, I don't want to hear that.

I want to have a normal life, a happy life. That was in my past and I want it to be gone forever.

I already have so very much on my mind.
Losing weight isn't going to be good enough this time, I already see that.

It used to give me such satisfaction, but now I have a new problem, my rape-scars/stretch marks.

And I absolutely hate them. So now I'm going to have to have cosmetic surgery to get them removed.

I have to do so much, to erase this crap from my life and the last thing I want at this point is an invitation to a rape workshop.

I mean I have to rebuild myself from the ground up. It's so freakin frustrating! And I've gotten bumps on my face, I'm guessing it's from stress, do you know how long it has been since I've had a bump on my face?

It's not that bad at this point, I know it could be worse, but it doesn't make me feel any less upset or angry about it.

So I'm going to have to go to the dermetalogist to have the spot bleached out.

And okay, I can accept that I was raped. I can accept that I'll have to spend a lot of money to make my body look the way it used to.....but at this point, I absolutely can not stand people knowing.

It's over, it's done, it's through, and I just want to move on.

And I love Nancy Grace, and Law & Order, and Dateline, and......there will always be something about someone being raped. And you know what, that's going to be my secret to bare.

There was a time when I needed to speak out, for me, and I did it. Now I want it to disappear.

I don't want to see any signs of it when I look at my reflection in the mirror.

I want to be me. The positive, uplifted, happy person. I want to be the person people always called beautiful. No, that's not it, I want to feel beautiful.

I mean, people have been kind enough to call me beautiful, but I just can't believe them.

Because of the whole eating disorder thing. I just..........I want to be perfect.

I think that's the main thing. And yes I know that isn't achievable but it would help out a lot, LOL.

And the power is out right now, which really, really sucks. And my parents are out tonight, and I'll be home alone.

My neighbor invited me up to her house, but I don't want to leave my kitten at home by herself.

I just want to make myself get over things. I want to get over the rape, and I want to get over the eating disorder.

I would say, the worst thing about the disorder, is that I don't think people take me seriously when I talk about being thin.

When I mention it, they always remind me that even when I'm thin, I don't think I'm thin enough.
That bothers me for some reason.

I've seen specials on women with disorders like that. They look in the mirror and see someone fat, when they are thin.

But that's not me, I'm not like that, at all. I don't look in the mirror and hallucinate. Not at all.

I see what's there.

But I do know I have a problem. I know that I'm not right in that catergory.
And it makes me sad because it's like people are saying, that something is wrong with me, with my vision, with my mind.

I know fat when I see it. And I know thin when I see it.

Anywho, the bottom line is that I want to be loved and accepted for me, and that I don't want to be a rape victim anymore.

I don't want that for myself, it's too much.

The rapist is gone. He's out there raping other women and living his own free life.

And I'm here, with this mess. And I've accepted it you know? I've accepted that I'll have to pay for his consequences, that I'll have to clean up this mess he has made of me.

But aside from that I want a normal life. I want to date without feeling that at some point or another I'm going to have to tell the person that I'm "damage goods".

I think that's why my ex left me, he thought I was really messed up and that he couldn't be married to a girl like that, one that had been raped.

I honestly believe that. We got along so very well.

I kind of thought it was because he was gay, but then my mom told me all men have a feminine side, and that she used to think my father was gay.

So then I looked for another reason, and the only other thing it could be is my rape.

We got along so well, I felt.

I just don't want to have anyone else know. When I'm getting calls about a rape workshop, that is bad news. I don't want to be in that group anymore.

I don't want to be labeled as a victim of sexual assault. It's hard enough to rebuild without constantly being reminded of what happened to you.

[Aurian]

Hi Gravelove,

I am sorry you are feeling so down and frustrated.

The woman probably meant to be helpful. However, I can understand wanting to keep things private. Some people feel better when they share their pain with others, but some people don`t. I would imagine being in a group of women talking about rape would be very daunting. It might be good to get one-on-one counselling though. That is more private and less scary than a group.

The woman may have said she never got over it. Well, that is her. You`ll never the same person as you were before it happened, but you can find a way to not let it rule your life for the next 60-70 years!

Its sad that you see yourself as damaged goods still though. Counselling might help with that. You are not damaged goods. You are not to blame. It is your rapist who is damaged goods, not you. You don`t have to hold up a big sign saying "rape victim" when you go out. It will never disappear from your mind entirely, but with time, you won`t label yourself that way.

Any guy who thinks you are damaged goods from something you had no control over is immature and a jerk. Maybe your ex couldn`t handle things, but I think that is his problem. A good guy would have supported you and helped you through the aftermath. Are you sure he left because of the rape though?

If you think everything bad happens to you because of the "rape victim" label you hold up, then you`ll never get over the feeling that that is all people see. Did you ever get a chance to talk to him about why things ended?

Anyways, dunno if my ramblings helped, but someone is listening.

*hugs*

[Gracelove]

Aurian thank you so very much for your kind words!!!

What you wrote was extremely helpful, I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

I am in therapy actually. However, we never really talk about the rape, usually we talk about everything else.

My current therapist believes in allowing me to guide the conversations, and I rarely guide them in that direction.

Until our last session I didn't much feel like talking about the assault. We've only discussed it maybe twice, or three times.

These days I kind of don't know exactly how to handle the rape thing.

I went through a stage where I thought everyone should know. I just got so tired of feeling silenced, and talking about it really helped.

Nowdays, I don't know what to do. I feel better not talking about it.

When I do talk about it I feel like I'm on the outside looking in.

Like I have all of the details in my mind, and I know that technically it happened to me....but I don't feel that way.

When I talk about it it's more matter-of-fact. But in therapy, when someone is looking at you, and things are about you, it's hard.

I don't think I'm in denial, and I don't want to be. I want to move on, but it's hard.

I went to the workshop on abuse and sexual assault that the lady invited me to.
Being there, talking about it, felt good at the time.

I was able to listen to everyone else's stories.

I contributed to the group discussion, but in those moments I feel...I feel like I just have knowledge and insight about abuse and assault. I prefer not to think of myself as victimized, or apart of the group I'm contributing to.

It's really very weird actually.

After the workshop I felt severely depressed. It was an awful feeling I haven't had in a very long time.

I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stay still, I felt nauseous, I felt tortured.

So, I'm conflicted. I don't know what's wrong with me.
Did I have that kind of reaction because I don't talk about it as much anymore?

I like people. Even though I'm a homebody, when I'm around people I feel better.

I enjoyed contributing to the group discussion. And it's easy when you are listening to everyone else's tragic stories, it makes me feel that my issues aren't as severe.
I can pretend I'm an encourager, not a victim.

Yet afterwards..........

I'm confused about how to feel about the situation.

The lady I was telling you about earlier is actually in her late 50's, I made a mistake.

Anywho there was this presentation, and one slide said that you are a combination of your past, present, and future. And that all of these must be integrated.

That...I could not stand to hear. I even feel that way mentioning it now. Why does my past have to be included. My past isn't too pretty. It's amazing the number of unpleasant things that have happened in my life over the past few years.
Why can't I forget about those things, and pretend, for the majority of the time, that they didn't happen?

Why can't I be a new person? Have a new life? Why does my past matter?

But then I know from previous experiences that the past doesn't stay buried. And if you don't deal with the past one day it will come back to eat you alive.

But how am I supposed to deal with rape? Rape has no explaination.
Or for that matter, how can I explain a friend that I loved so dearly, setting me up for something so horrible?

I can't explain these things, so how am I supposed to deal with them?

In so many cases the ones I've trusted and loved most have violated that trust. How am I supposed to deal with that? Accept it?

I'd much rather pretend. I'd much rather pretend that the bad things are gone, that they don't have an affect on who I am today.

It's sad, but that's the only way I really know how to cope.

And the thing is, I never wanted to be a person who lived a lie.
I always wanted to be honest, espicially with myself.

But I don't know how to survive this truth.

Even though I pretend it isn't really me when talking about it, I was the person that was raped, abused, and betrayed.
I say that sometimes, hoping that it will sink in. Hoping that I'll accept it, and embrace it. But it doesn't work.

My views of life have changed, I don't know what to do in this world.
I'm just trying to survive, and find happiness and joy where I can find it, even if it's in my imagination.

And I don't want to be crazy, LOL. I don't want to turn into one of those people with another personality.

But I can see how it might happen. It's much easier to think that it happened to someone else.

Because in all honesty it's just too close to home.

You hear of this happening to people out in the world, but when it happens to you, it's much easier to pretend that it didn't.

And you're...I'm the one who's safe and unaffected by the craziness of this world.

I want to be the one at home feeling sorry for the victims of the world, rooting for them, advocating for them...I don't want to be one of them.

And that's the hard part.

I was raised in this perfect little world, where bad things don't happen.

And I grow up and go off to college, only to discover the world is a much different place than I could have ever imagined.

It's easier to live in denial. But then I tell myself that I'm not in denial, because I've admitted that I was raped, that I've been abused...and that should be enough not to make me a liar.

But somehow, I think on some level, that I despise myself.

And I do feel like two different people. There is the me that is perfect, together, optimistic. Then there is the other half of me, the half that's weighing me down. The part of me that I'm ashamed of and would much rather ignore.

But how can I be two different people in one body? How can I rectify that?

How am I supposed to be healthy or normal when I can't bring both sides of me together.

I say that I love myself, and I do, I really do. But I don't like the rape victim, I don't love the failure, and unfortunately that's who I see when I look in the mirror every day.

The person in the mirror isn't me.

And I gained a lot of weight after the assualt. And I'm really worried.

I'm starting to find all sorts of things wrong with me, and I'm afraid that losing weight won't make me better.

Even when I lose the weight I'll have stretch marks, I've never had them before the assault.

So I'm afraid to lose weight without having money saved so I can have the stretch marks removed.

I have this perfect picture of how I am, and the girl in the mirror is messing it all up for me.

The stretch marks are the worst. They are a constant reminder that I was raped, and I hate them.

I just wish someone or something could make it all go away.

Anywho, I've gotten off track.

With my ex, I never got a true answer as to why he left me.
He just sent me an e-mail and that was it.

In the e-mail he said he didn't want to marry me, because telling him that I found his wedding ring depressed him.
I don't see why that might be, considering I was paying for it.

But it doesn't matter too much anymore. We are over.

I like people and I want to trust them, but I don't want to make the same mistakes over and over again.

If I wouldn't have whole-heartedly trusted my friend, I would have never been raped.
But how to do know that someone you love and trust is going to betray you? Does anyone know? Otherwise how could one be betrayed?

Anywho, I really appreciate the things you said. I'll read them when I'm feeling down.

As for now I feel like a complete mess. On one hand I feel so wonderful and happy. But on the other hand when I'm confronted with the reality of what happened to me, I seem to have a meltdown. It doesn't make any sense, but that's my reality for now.

Thanks for listening!

~Grace

[pacodemil]

Grace,

I am not going to pretend that I understand for a second what you or the elderly lady you mentioned have been through. However, I think that the reason that she told you that you will never get over it completely was just to let you know it won't be easy. Also , just because you don't forget something terrible like that doesnt mean that you can't still enjoy your life and have good moments. Life is what we make it. Unfortunately sometimes bad people can come and take the things that are important to us or make the things we cherish seem repulsive. I can only suggest that you take things as slow as you like and try to find at least one thing or moment in each day that you enjoy and build off of these little strengths and joys as they are the key to rebuilding who you are. As for the being thin, I really think that you are trying to fool yourself into thinking that you don't fit in the typical category of those who see themselves as not "perfect". I think that too amny women put unreasonable pressures on themselves to be thin because society tells them they are never thin enough. That couldn't be further from the truth. Nothing is more attractive to me as a man than a woman who is confident of what she has regardless of her size. I am sure that you are beautiful as is. Remember there is no such thing as being perfect we can only be what and who we are and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I hope that makes some sense.

[Gracelove]

Pacodemil, thank you so very much for your kind words.

I'm surprised, , what you said is so kind and geniune and you're a guy. That makes me smile.

I'm kind of speechless...

I'm glad that you responded. So weird.

I'm have a certain view of men. I kind of think of them as being different creatures. I feel like I'll never really be able to understand or relate to them. But you just changed my perspective. What you said was so kind and it made perfect sense.

So weird.

LOL! I'm sorry I know I'm rambling, but I have guy friends, and I've had boyfriends and they've never said anything like that. You are very articulate.

Anywho, thanks a lot. As far as the women and weight thing, I can understand.

In my mind I am never thin enough, which is weird. I would have never noticed if others hadn't pointed it out.

I really like what you said about finding something wonderful in each day.

I've become really good at finding joy in the simple things. However doing that makes me feel guilty for some reason. Sometimes I feel that maybe finding joy in the little things means that I'm ignoring those big problems, not living in reality. That I'm not being honest with myself on some level.

But what you said makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing. That it's okay and only natural to focus on the positive.

I'm a little tired so I'm having a difficult time ordering my thoughts. I'm sorry if what I'm saying isn't flowing or making much sense.

I was watching Oprah today and it was about people who are facing death.

It was really inspirational.

And just like you mentioned those people are focusing on the positive things in life.

You can't control life. Violence and sickness and death is hard to understand. But maybe it's not meant to be understood. Maybe it's just meant to change the way we live life.

Thanks again.

[pacodemil]

I am glad that the advice made you feel better and I understood everything you wrote clearly. I myself have had some issues lately and am trying to find those positive little things. They really do help especially on those bad days. I hope that you achieve everything in life you always wanted and more. I wish I could say that I understand completely everyhting that has happened to you but I can not. Just know that if you ever need to talk I am full of hot air pretty much all of the time. I am usually on this site at night between 1200am and 600 am so if I dont respond right away I will eventually. I hope this helps a little.

[Aurian]

I have not been raped, but I was in an abusive relationship. I needed counselling to help me heal from it. Its hard talking about some things (I had a running joke with my counselor about using up boxes of tisses every session), but it does help to talk. It helped me sort out things in my mind and my counselor was very good at stopping me when I went on a bad tangent and convincing me of looking at things in another way.

My counselor is less "patient" than yours - he let me control most of the direction, but wasnt above giving me a verbal kick in the pants when I needed one. I needed a bit of "tough love" from time to time.

Do you feel like yours is helping at all? Perhaps a more proactive counselor might help?

It is good to focus on the positive parts of life too - definately keep doing that, but when you shove all the bad thoughts and feelings out of sight, they don`t heal. They bubble up when you least want them. They haunt you when you`re not busy or when you are down. Confronting the bad thoughts and feelings head on hurts in the short term a lot, but in the long term, gives it more chance to heal. Its like using one of those anti-bacterial sprays on a wound. It HURTS but it heals better, without infection.

I loved my ex-husband and he betrayed me by abusing me and doing everything he could to hurt me and debase everything good in my life. How do you trust ever again? You give it out more cautiously. You look at what happened and ask - is there any time I felt uncomfortable? Is there any time when he might not have deserved that trust? don`t do this to blame yourself though, do this to tell yourself that you won`t fall for a liar and traitor's act again. That helped me find trust again and helped me feel like I had a bit of control in my life.

I don`t know if you`re overweight, just right or underweight. I can understand wanting to reclaim your body though. After I left my ex, I lost 50 pounds and changed the colour of my hair. It was a way of making myself different and distancing myself a bit from the person I was with him. Don`t hurt yourself trying to lose weight though.

[still hurting]

I understand oh too well how you are feeling. I too am a "rape victim" and hate that label with a passion as well. Now that it's out and everyone knows it's like that's all they can see when they look at me! Everyone feels compelled to talk about it or encourage me all the time. I wish that I could just go through one day without someone bringing it up. Last night I just turned my phone off and I went and hid out at my sister's house so no one could call me or drop by my house. I want people to view me like they used to...the optomistic, fun, happy-go-lucky person instead of the rape victim. It truely feels like I am walking around with the words "RAPE VICTIM" tatooed to my forehead!

I gained alot of weight during and after my abuse because I wanted to feel unattractive to men I guess. Now that I am ready to get on with my life I feel fat and disgusting even though I know I am not that overweight. I have lost 20lbs and I have stretch marks appearing everywhere! So I understand exactly how you feel.

I also share your relationship anxiety. It's like you know when you meet a really great guy the only thing you can think about is that you will one day have to drop the rape bomb on him. Then he will think you're a crazy disfunctional wacko with emotional issues! He will view you as too much work or damaged goods as you put it.

Today I have been telling people how I feel and it really has helped. I've told everyone that I do not want to talk about the abuse every day of my life and to leave the encouraging and guidance to my therapist! I think people mean well, they just do not understand that they really are making matters worse.

Just tell people that you are still a person not just a rape victim and that you would like them to help you move on with your life and you don't feel you can do that talking about the rape every waking moment. That is a nice way of saying "BACK OFF!!!"

Sorry for my rambling...wish I couldn't relate, but unfortunately I can! When I read your thread it was like you reached inside and read all the jumbled feelings whirling around in my head and you wrote them down! Hope things start looking up for you soon...they say there really is a light at the end of this tunnel.

[Gracelove]

Thank you so very much guys for all of the wonderful replies!!!!

My internet connection is a little bit shaky right now. I just wanted to make sure my thank you was posted (in case I lose my connection).

Now I'll respond to each of you individually.

[Gracelove]

Pacodemil

Thank you so very much for all of the wonderful, encouraging words! Thanks for letting me know when you're on the internet, and offering support. I hope all gets better in your situations as well.

Aurian

I've been in an abusive situation as well, so I can relate to you there.
Tissues, whew, I hate crying. But that's just the way it goes sometimes.

With the therapist I had following the rape...I probably cried most sessions, I was an absolute wreck.

I do feel like my current therapist is working well for me. I'm quite fond of her, I already have that bond.
On the other hand I can understand what you're talking about. At the rate I'm going I'm likely to be in therapy forever.

I have no idea what it means to "work through rape", so I will need my therapist to help me with that eventually.

You mentioned not healing if you shove the bad things under the carpet. I'm really kind of afraid of that.
I want to confront the feelings I have, but I don't have a clue how.
I have no idea how this works.

I've confronted it at one point, but now I'm back to pretending that it doesn't have a place in my life. I try to be as non-chalant about it as possible most of the times. I don't want to be dishonest with myself though. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to be feeling.

I know what you're saying about how to trust again. It's something I'm confused about. I'm sorry about your situation with your ex-husband. I can imagine how painful it was/is.

At this point I'm re-evalutating my life, my plans for the future.
Even children. I've always wanted children, but now I don't know. I'm not sure about marriage either. I just want to be safe. And I'm feeling that maybe I can't really trust men, when it comes to romantic relationships.
And I guess that has nothing to do with rape, and moreso the end of a recent relationship (and past relationships as well).

I love the whole thing you said about dying your hair and losing weight! Didn't that make you feel so free! You can do what you want with your body, without any fear of criticism....without feeling like you have to impress anyone.

Thanks for the advice and support as well.

Still Hurting

Hey There!!!

Reading what you wrote makes me smile. I have sooo felt that way, many times.

Rape changes you, and most of the time you are just dying to be your old self. Re-discover who you were before the incident. When others know about it, or constantly comment on the situation, it makes you feel as if you'll never be able to be the person you were before.
All you want to do is escape your nightmare, but if family or friends keep bringing it up, it's hard.

It's different when you feel like talking about it. I don't know, if the topic comes up for any reason, I think it should be because the victim/survivor chooses to discuss it at that moment.

Congratulations on losing some of the weight!
It's hard, I understand how you feel.
Who wants to be gawked at by men after being raped.

It takes a lot of strength. It's hard, at least for me. The weight feels like a double-edged sword. It keeps me feeling safe and protected, yet it's a constant reminder of the rape. So, it sucks.

And the stretch marks...It's just like someone telling me, "You'll never be the same" all over again.

It's hard because you feel like you've lost, that part of you died and will never come back. So there is a lot of grief when it comes to that.

The "damaged goods" thing really sucks. I'm determinded not to enter into another relationship until I've convinced myself that I'm pure gold, LOL.

"Gold refined by fire", as they say. Until I feel that the fire, the trauma, has made me a better woman, a more precious woman.

I need to learn to love and appreciate myself. That is my new goal. Rape robbed me, but I want to be able to say that I ultimately got the better end of the deal.

I think you're right. Communication is really important although it can be so very hard. I should try to let others know how I am feeling. That way, hopefully, things will be easier.

Thanks so much!

~Grace