Trying not to lose it....

heartbroken32377 · 10-16-2007, 09:58 AM

I've been on here a bunch of times and the responses I have gotten to my posts have helped greatly. I am hoping maybe someone could shed some light once again.

Neither myself or my wife have been perfect. Unfortunately for me though, my wife waited until after I busted my ass to make up for anything bad I had ever done, to start throwing horrendous stuff my way. And, now it looks to be all but finished. Yesterday I gave her all the paperwork, and while she agreed to talk to someone together one last time she admits that it's more to help both of us cope, etc.

I've been to three counselors and no one can help. Through all of the bad stuff I have never wavered in my belief that she is the "the one" and to be honest I have never met anyone that could even come close to comparing to her on any level. Through the stuff she did to me, she has pretty much taken all of my confidence in every aspect - looks, sex, personality, etc. I have very little self respect or dignity left. All my friends said I would have so much more dignity once I served her with the papers, since financially she will struggle, but it made me feel worse and not better.

I don't honestly think of myself highly enough to care about seeking anymore counselling and all those pills make me sick. I've tried reading books and that's a waste. Even weed and booze doesn't dull the pain enough. The pain is awful, especially now when I am at work and cannot drink or smoke.

My wife suggested I should "get a life" so over the past two months I did. I have some nice new friends and try and get out as much as I can. But while it may seem I am having a good time, I am not. Every moment of every day is pure misery for me.

Has anyone else been here and what did you do? I am not suicidal or anything, as I honestly don't have enough balls to put myself out of my misery.

tgt · 10-16-2007, 05:24 PM

Well, I've been through this and down a similar road. The first 3 months were really painful and there isnt much you can do about it but roll with it as best you can. I took up dancing and running to fill my spare time up - some limited computer gaming as well. Just do something that can distract you and keep you busy.

The biggest thing is you need to get past the crap that your ex threw at you and realize it was utter BS. You are you, you didnt need to change for her or bust your ass really. You need to love yourself again and not loathe. All the horrendous stuff they throw at us is just their way of passing the blame and giving us the final man test - of which we both failed miserbly sad to say...

John Bendix · 10-17-2007, 12:52 AM

heartbroken,

tgt makes a great point that you cannot take the stuff thrown at you by her personally. We all seem to do this for a while. "What kind of husband could I have been if my wife of so many years wants out so vehemently?"

What should your self esteem be based on what she thinks? There is a possibility of 6 billion opinions ofyou out there. It isdysfunctional to worry what another person's perception ofyou is. It change who you are inside one bit. This is the work of the ego. The ego that perceives these opinions, comments and perceptions of you are a possible threat to its existence. The ego feels that it might be diminished in some way if it does not react. Withdrawal, depression, feeling sorry for yourself, are all as much as an emotional reaction as anger is.

Blame and complain are the walkaway's standard tools for not being able to take any responsibility for their own lives. They are usually in such emotional distress that they cannot deal or accept any more, emotionally speaking.

She did not take away your confidence, your reactions to her words and actions has done that. It is not what she has done that causes you such misery, it is your thoughts and the thus created emotional reactions that causes you the suffering. The emotions created are again perceived by the mind (feedback) to create more thoughts along these lines. The cycle is now self-perpetuating.

Accepting your emotions for what they are right now, without judging them or demanding that they be other than are (how can they be?), will free you of the cycle of pain and suffering. You will be able to see through them. They are just thoughts and the body's reaction to them called emotions. You are not your emotions or thoughts. They are fleeting and temporary unless you define yourself by them. This will lead to suffering.

Try this exercise. Think to yourself, "What is my next thought?" It took a little while to come, did it not? There was a moment of peace. No thoughts were there to create an emotional reaction which at this point would probably be one that you would judge to be undesirable.

Weed, booze, and drugs are distractions. We feel that we must distract ourselves (our mind) long enough to get over it. Time heals all wounds they say. Sorry, I do not buy it. Looking for the future to bail us out is an egoic pusuit and highly dysfunctional in nature. The future is not known. It is only an image of expectation. Time does not heal. Acceptance of what is right now does. It may take most people time to accept but it is in the acceptance that completes the final stage of healing.

John

heartbroken32377 · 10-17-2007, 09:54 AM

Hey guys thanks so much. Even though alot of things have been said to me before, it sometimes help to see it again, almost like hammering it home. I think the biggest problem with me is that I went into the relationship not a very confident person on the inside, even though I seem confident to everyone else. However, my wife was so beautiful and so great, I was the envy of very many (as my wife is somewhat famous thanks mostly to me as I guided her career). So, having this unreal wife, whom everyone wished they could be with, gave me so much more confidence in myself. I know that my lack of sexual experience hurt our relationship, though, as I was never very confident in that area since I had only been with 2 girls. But, having this unreal wife made some of my insecurities go away. Now unfortunately, thanks to her actions and what she has said to me, they have all returned. The hardest thing is that no matter how much I hide, I still have to hear about her and read about her daily. But, I do understand what you are saying in that I am letting her actions and words do this to me. I guess I have to find a way to look past them, although I have not been able to yet. I also think the suggestion to occupy my time is very good, and I've been trying that. I know exercise is supposed to help, but unfortunately the only exercise I enjoy is off limits thanks to my wife. But I've definitely been trying to at least occupy myself. It definitely helps as I am able to forget about my situation, even just for a little while. I wish I could not drink and smoke, I really do, but the days I try and do that are even worse than the days that I do.

OOHMY · 10-18-2007, 02:59 AM

Hugs!

You will be okay! Don't worry about it! Your wife is just a cruel evil person you will find someone who will make you smile!

You deserve better and everything will get better, it just takes time!

heartbroken32377 · 10-25-2007, 10:47 AM

Thanks OOHMY I hope you are right, although I have not seen anything that leads me to believe I will be OK. Like a retard I gave her a good reference so she could get a job only to now find out that she went and got a new apartment even though she owes me all kinds of money.

surfjon · 10-29-2007, 01:54 PM

heart.........
What tgt and JB told you is great advice, you'll find certain people here have situations really similar to your own, I seem to always find the "right" thread somehow with situations and people feeling like I do, many times, just coming here helps pull me up, I don't feel so on my own.

JB, I like your observation about confidence. I too felt like she took that when she left and realized after a few sessions of therapy that I took my own confidence away by how I felt she treated me and the things she said and the blame she put squarely on me.

I'm working on feeling like I am whole on my own, and when I can feel that way, I'm sure I'll restore my own confidence. She had me really hating myself at the beginning, ena and therapy have helped me get over that.

I think tgt is right, these first 3 months have been terrible, difficult, everything. I think the next 3 will be a little better, then the next 3 a little better still......................

I went through a couple or three weeks of "overdoing" it, killing the pain with drinking too much, it didn't help either, just brought me further down.
Now I focus on playing music, writing songs and reading. Problem is, seems like the only songs I can write these days are dark and brooding songs of pain and lost love....
I wonder why that is???

10-16-2007, 09:58 AM	#1
heartbroken32377 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 40	Trying not to lose it.... I've been on here a bunch of times and the responses I have gotten to my posts have helped greatly. I am hoping maybe someone could shed some light once again. Neither myself or my wife have been perfect. Unfortunately for me though, my wife waited until after I busted my ass to make up for anything bad I had ever done, to start throwing horrendous stuff my way. And, now it looks to be all but finished. Yesterday I gave her all the paperwork, and while she agreed to talk to someone together one last time she admits that it's more to help both of us cope, etc. I've been to three counselors and no one can help. Through all of the bad stuff I have never wavered in my belief that she is the "the one" and to be honest I have never met anyone that could even come close to comparing to her on any level. Through the stuff she did to me, she has pretty much taken all of my confidence in every aspect - looks, sex, personality, etc. I have very little self respect or dignity left. All my friends said I would have so much more dignity once I served her with the papers, since financially she will struggle, but it made me feel worse and not better. I don't honestly think of myself highly enough to care about seeking anymore counselling and all those pills make me sick. I've tried reading books and that's a waste. Even weed and booze doesn't dull the pain enough. The pain is awful, especially now when I am at work and cannot drink or smoke. My wife suggested I should "get a life" so over the past two months I did. I have some nice new friends and try and get out as much as I can. But while it may seem I am having a good time, I am not. Every moment of every day is pure misery for me. Has anyone else been here and what did you do? I am not suicidal or anything, as I honestly don't have enough balls to put myself out of my misery.

10-16-2007, 05:24 PM	#2
tgt Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: San Francisco Gender: Male Age: 41 Posts: 114	Well, I've been through this and down a similar road. The first 3 months were really painful and there isnt much you can do about it but roll with it as best you can. I took up dancing and running to fill my spare time up - some limited computer gaming as well. Just do something that can distract you and keep you busy. The biggest thing is you need to get past the crap that your ex threw at you and realize it was utter BS. You are you, you didnt need to change for her or bust your ass really. You need to love yourself again and not loathe. All the horrendous stuff they throw at us is just their way of passing the blame and giving us the final man test - of which we both failed miserbly sad to say... __________________ Get the Balance Right

10-17-2007, 12:52 AM	#3
John Bendix Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 1,374	heartbroken, tgt makes a great point that you cannot take the stuff thrown at you by her personally. We all seem to do this for a while. "What kind of husband could I have been if my wife of so many years wants out so vehemently?" What should your self esteem be based on what she thinks? There is a possibility of 6 billion opinions ofyou out there. It isdysfunctional to worry what another person's perception ofyou is. It change who you are inside one bit. This is the work of the ego. The ego that perceives these opinions, comments and perceptions of you are a possible threat to its existence. The ego feels that it might be diminished in some way if it does not react. Withdrawal, depression, feeling sorry for yourself, are all as much as an emotional reaction as anger is. Blame and complain are the walkaway's standard tools for not being able to take any responsibility for their own lives. They are usually in such emotional distress that they cannot deal or accept any more, emotionally speaking. She did not take away your confidence, your reactions to her words and actions has done that. It is not what she has done that causes you such misery, it is your thoughts and the thus created emotional reactions that causes you the suffering. The emotions created are again perceived by the mind (feedback) to create more thoughts along these lines. The cycle is now self-perpetuating. Accepting your emotions for what they are right now, without judging them or demanding that they be other than are (how can they be?), will free you of the cycle of pain and suffering. You will be able to see through them. They are just thoughts and the body's reaction to them called emotions. You are not your emotions or thoughts. They are fleeting and temporary unless you define yourself by them. This will lead to suffering. Try this exercise. Think to yourself, "What is my next thought?" It took a little while to come, did it not? There was a moment of peace. No thoughts were there to create an emotional reaction which at this point would probably be one that you would judge to be undesirable. Weed, booze, and drugs are distractions. We feel that we must distract ourselves (our mind) long enough to get over it. Time heals all wounds they say. Sorry, I do not buy it. Looking for the future to bail us out is an egoic pusuit and highly dysfunctional in nature. The future is not known. It is only an image of expectation. Time does not heal. Acceptance of what is right now does. It may take most people time to accept but it is in the acceptance that completes the final stage of healing. John __________________ John Bendix is the author of Walking Away from Divorce into Awareness Last edited by John Bendix; 10-18-2007 at 09:53 PM.

10-29-2007, 01:54 PM	#7
surfjon Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Palm Beach County, Fla. Gender: Male Posts: 560	heart......... What tgt and JB told you is great advice, you'll find certain people here have situations really similar to your own, I seem to always find the "right" thread somehow with situations and people feeling like I do, many times, just coming here helps pull me up, I don't feel so on my own. JB, I like your observation about confidence. I too felt like she took that when she left and realized after a few sessions of therapy that I took my own confidence away by how I felt she treated me and the things she said and the blame she put squarely on me. I'm working on feeling like I am whole on my own, and when I can feel that way, I'm sure I'll restore my own confidence. She had me really hating myself at the beginning, ena and therapy have helped me get over that. I think tgt is right, these first 3 months have been terrible, difficult, everything. I think the next 3 will be a little better, then the next 3 a little better still...................... I went through a couple or three weeks of "overdoing" it, killing the pain with drinking too much, it didn't help either, just brought me further down. Now I focus on playing music, writing songs and reading. Problem is, seems like the only songs I can write these days are dark and brooding songs of pain and lost love.... I wonder why that is??? __________________ Shut up and play............. check out my music and let me know what you think!! www.myspace.com/jontgilbert

10-17-2007, 09:54 AM	#4
heartbroken32377 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 40	Hey guys thanks so much. Even though alot of things have been said to me before, it sometimes help to see it again, almost like hammering it home. I think the biggest problem with me is that I went into the relationship not a very confident person on the inside, even though I seem confident to everyone else. However, my wife was so beautiful and so great, I was the envy of very many (as my wife is somewhat famous thanks mostly to me as I guided her career). So, having this unreal wife, whom everyone wished they could be with, gave me so much more confidence in myself. I know that my lack of sexual experience hurt our relationship, though, as I was never very confident in that area since I had only been with 2 girls. But, having this unreal wife made some of my insecurities go away. Now unfortunately, thanks to her actions and what she has said to me, they have all returned. The hardest thing is that no matter how much I hide, I still have to hear about her and read about her daily. But, I do understand what you are saying in that I am letting her actions and words do this to me. I guess I have to find a way to look past them, although I have not been able to yet. I also think the suggestion to occupy my time is very good, and I've been trying that. I know exercise is supposed to help, but unfortunately the only exercise I enjoy is off limits thanks to my wife. But I've definitely been trying to at least occupy myself. It definitely helps as I am able to forget about my situation, even just for a little while. I wish I could not drink and smoke, I really do, but the days I try and do that are even worse than the days that I do.

10-18-2007, 02:59 AM	#5
OOHMY Offline Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 838	Hugs! You will be okay! Don't worry about it! Your wife is just a cruel evil person you will find someone who will make you smile! You deserve better and everything will get better, it just takes time!

10-25-2007, 10:47 AM	#6
heartbroken32377 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 40	Thanks OOHMY I hope you are right, although I have not seen anything that leads me to believe I will be OK. Like a retard I gave her a good reference so she could get a job only to now find out that she went and got a new apartment even though she owes me all kinds of money.