Help for my husband

help4husband · 10-15-2007, 04:19 PM

Hello-

I need some advice on how to support my husband through the most difficult thing that may ever happen to him. His wonderful mother has terminal ovarian cancer.

She was diagnosed 1/05 at the age of 58 and has battling this disease for almost 2 years. It has been an extremely emotional 2 years with ups and downs. However we are now nearing the end.

My husband's mother is a wonderful woman, wife and mother. She has raised 3 amazing well rounded children and has a wonderful husband. By all accounts has lived a great life. The extended family has never had as much as a divorce. There has never been tragedy. The loss of eldery grandparents is the only death that they have ever had to deal with.

They are trying to stay positive which I think is great but also causes denial.
I think the denial and not wanting to speak about the situation makes him (us) feel as though we are in the dark and not really aware of how things are really going.

My husband is begining to understand that she will be gone but is having a very hard time dealing with his own feelings and emotions. He does not talk about his feelings and I feel he is isolating himself from me because I try to speak with him about them. I he is not willing to go to counseling.
My husband has always been his mom's favorite. She didn't hide that they were the most alike and that she was most proud of him. I am afraid that he will feel like a part of himself has died. I now that is natural however maybe even more so for him.

He also asked my this..."Why is this not registering with me? This is the only Mom I will ever have. Once she is gone I will not ever have my Mom again. What should I be doing? Should I go over there everyday?" I didn't know how to answer him. His two siblings live 5 mins. from his parents and we live an hour & 1/2 away. That is difficult for him also. He feels even more disengaged from his family.

I am seeking advice so I will know how to help now and after she passes. He is such a wonderful husband and father. I feel helpless myself and can't really express my own grief in this situation because I am trying to be strong for him and my 2 year old daughter. Trying to keep our lives together.
Is there anything I can do for him or anything he can do before she passes so that when it happens he will feel a small bit of peace?

Thank you so very much for reading this post and taking the time to pass along advice.

HappyAsALark · 10-15-2007, 04:36 PM

I wouldn't make him talk about anything. Just be there for him. Hug him and show him love and show him with your actions that you are there. When he wants to speak about it, he will. He may never. Death of a mother is very very hard thing to deal with. A lot of people find it easier to cope with things by not speaking about them.

Show him your love and let him know he is not alone in this.

flower99 · 10-15-2007, 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ItsMyLife99

I wouldn't make him talk about anything. Just be there for him. Hug him and show him love and show him with your actions that you are there. When he wants to speak about it, he will. He may never. Death of a mother is very very hard thing to deal with. A lot of people find it easier to cope with things by not speaking about them.

Show him your love and let him know he is not alone in this.

I agree.
I'm sorry I wish I had more advice, but I think support is the best you can give him. Also reassure him that his mother knows his love, and there isn't anything he can do at this point but give it to God. Pray that she be at peace (him too). I'm sorry you all are going through this, no doubt this is hard on you too. ((Hugs)) Can he take a few days off work to spend up there? tell him to follow his heart, whatever he feels he should...so there are no regrets.
take care, my prayers are with you all.

help4husband · 10-15-2007, 05:05 PM

Yes, it's very hard. I want to be upbeat to help him think or talk about other things but then I feel like being upbeat is wrong right now. It's not so much that I am making him talk about his his feelings I am just wanting to know about her tests, or how she is feeling, or how his dad is doing. I guess I find it hard to know how to act myself. I feel like I am in the dark and don't know how to support him or his family. I get bits and pieces. I love his Mom very very much and feel helpless myself.

ultraviolet · 10-15-2007, 05:40 PM

I think your husband doesn't want to talk about his Mom because it makes him feel helpless. Maybe if you both focused on what you could do with her and for her to make her final years loving and comfortable, it might help you both feel stronger and closer to the family.

How about making it a weekly ritual of spending time with her? Playing board games, reading to her, reliving and recording her happiest memories on video? Capture those stories that only she knows and can tell. Surround her with old friends and celebrate her life while she's still around to enjoy it. All these things are small ways of showing that you care in a deeply meaningful way.

Have you ever read the book Tuesdays with Morrie? It's the true story about the life lessons shared between a dying professor and his former student at their weekly tuedays meetings. The book is heartwarming and inspirational. You might find it helpful to see how these two people confronted a similar situation to your own. Good luck.

help4husband · 10-15-2007, 06:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ultraviolet

I think your husband doesn't want to talk about his Mom because it makes him feel helpless. Maybe if you both focused on what you could do with her and for her to make her final years loving and comfortable, it might help you both feel stronger and closer to the family.

How about making it a weekly ritual of spending time with her? Playing board games, reading to her, reliving and recording her happiest memories on video? Capture those stories that only she knows and can tell. Surround her with old friends and celebrate her life while she's still around to enjoy it. All these things are small ways of showing that you care in a deeply meaningful way.

Have you ever read the book Tuesdays with Morrie? It's the true story about the life lessons shared between a dying professor and his former student at their weekly tuedays meetings. The book is heartwarming and inspirational. You might find it helpful to see how these two people confronted a similar situation to your own. Good luck.

I apprecaite this however the family is still in denial. They don't acknowledge that she is going to die. So doing these things, especialy initiated by me is not going to happen. And the scary thing is I'm not sure how long she has left. She is in & out of the hospital. She has been told that they are taking her off chemo and has a limited amount of time (months). Her only daughter has a wedding planned for Jan. in Mexico (planned in denial) and I believe my mother in law feels that she is going to ruin her daughter dreams. This keeps the denial going strong for everyone. It is just a horrible unfathomable situation.

ultraviolet · 10-15-2007, 06:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by help4husband

I apprecaite this however the family is still in denial. They don't acknowledge that she is going to die. So doing these things, especialy initiated by me is not going to happen.

It's a tough situation. And no, it's a lot to ask of you to do those things especially when it's his Mom. I suggested these things as ways to make him feel less helpless, not so much as a "to do" list for you.

Just because the family is in denial, doesn't mean they can't play a board game with her or read some stories to her. The ones who are dying don't expect a lot of pomp and circumstance. They just want our time and attention. In Morrie's case, people would show their love for him by overstocking his frig with good things to eat, even though he no longer could keep much food down. He knew it was their way of saying that they loved him, because they didn't know what else to do.

I wouldn't worry about your husband's family. It's unfortunate, but when people go into denial, it's because their fears are too much to bear. But if it were me, I'd visit her (even if she's in denial) and just spend time with her doing things you both enjoy. What if the entire family had a weekly potluck dinner at Mom's place? Or what if that's too difficult, what about if each sibling took a different week?

If you think about it, we're all "terminal." None of us are going to get out of this dimension "alive." It's just that most of the time we don't think about our lives that way. We just live! People who are dying don't necessarily want grand gestures... They just want to know that they're still loved, cherished, and needed.

Why wait until they're gone to talk about how much they meant to us, when we can share our love with them now?

If your husband finds it hard to discuss these things, why not borrow the Morrie book for him and ask him to look at it. Sometimes it's easier to figure out what to do with our own problems when we can see how others dealt with it.

help4husband · 10-15-2007, 07:05 PM

Thank you. I know being with her is VERY important. I will, as I have, continue to suggest this to my husband. I think he doesn't want her to feel as if we are treating her differently or that he has decided in his own mind that she is going to die. I just don't want him to have regrets but I guess I also have to have faith that he knows her the best and he knows the best way to deal with this in his own way. Partially I think she is not feeling like seeing others and doesn't want her family to remember her this way.

Crazyaboutdogs · 10-15-2007, 11:01 PM

Everyone deals with this situation differently so there is no definitive right or wrong way. Is there a palliative care department in the hospital your mother-in-law goes to? They would have a lot of experience dealing with families of dying patients so maybe they can give you some good ideas. I know some of the hospitals in my city have lectures for families coping with a terminally ill loved one. Your husband may not want to seek therapy but maybe there is someone you can talk to once or twice that might be able to help you cope with all the emotions and uncertainty.

10-15-2007, 04:19 PM	#1
help4husband Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 6	Help for my husband Hello- I need some advice on how to support my husband through the most difficult thing that may ever happen to him. His wonderful mother has terminal ovarian cancer. She was diagnosed 1/05 at the age of 58 and has battling this disease for almost 2 years. It has been an extremely emotional 2 years with ups and downs. However we are now nearing the end. My husband's mother is a wonderful woman, wife and mother. She has raised 3 amazing well rounded children and has a wonderful husband. By all accounts has lived a great life. The extended family has never had as much as a divorce. There has never been tragedy. The loss of eldery grandparents is the only death that they have ever had to deal with. They are trying to stay positive which I think is great but also causes denial. I think the denial and not wanting to speak about the situation makes him (us) feel as though we are in the dark and not really aware of how things are really going. My husband is begining to understand that she will be gone but is having a very hard time dealing with his own feelings and emotions. He does not talk about his feelings and I feel he is isolating himself from me because I try to speak with him about them. I he is not willing to go to counseling. My husband has always been his mom's favorite. She didn't hide that they were the most alike and that she was most proud of him. I am afraid that he will feel like a part of himself has died. I now that is natural however maybe even more so for him. He also asked my this..."Why is this not registering with me? This is the only Mom I will ever have. Once she is gone I will not ever have my Mom again. What should I be doing? Should I go over there everyday?" I didn't know how to answer him. His two siblings live 5 mins. from his parents and we live an hour & 1/2 away. That is difficult for him also. He feels even more disengaged from his family. I am seeking advice so I will know how to help now and after she passes. He is such a wonderful husband and father. I feel helpless myself and can't really express my own grief in this situation because I am trying to be strong for him and my 2 year old daughter. Trying to keep our lives together. Is there anything I can do for him or anything he can do before she passes so that when it happens he will feel a small bit of peace? Thank you so very much for reading this post and taking the time to pass along advice.

10-15-2007, 04:36 PM	#2
HappyAsALark Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: The Burg Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 1,013	I wouldn't make him talk about anything. Just be there for him. Hug him and show him love and show him with your actions that you are there. When he wants to speak about it, he will. He may never. Death of a mother is very very hard thing to deal with. A lot of people find it easier to cope with things by not speaking about them. Show him your love and let him know he is not alone in this. __________________ I like to duct tape jumbo bags of potato chips to the bottoms on my shoes and stomp around like I am Godzilla. Formerly/Formally(dako says tomato, i say tomatoe) itsmylife99

10-15-2007, 05:40 PM	#5
ultraviolet Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: The Ozone Layer Gender: Female Posts: 253	I think your husband doesn't want to talk about his Mom because it makes him feel helpless. Maybe if you both focused on what you could do with her and for her to make her final years loving and comfortable, it might help you both feel stronger and closer to the family. How about making it a weekly ritual of spending time with her? Playing board games, reading to her, reliving and recording her happiest memories on video? Capture those stories that only she knows and can tell. Surround her with old friends and celebrate her life while she's still around to enjoy it. All these things are small ways of showing that you care in a deeply meaningful way. Have you ever read the book Tuesdays with Morrie? It's the true story about the life lessons shared between a dying professor and his former student at their weekly tuedays meetings. The book is heartwarming and inspirational. You might find it helpful to see how these two people confronted a similar situation to your own. Good luck. __________________ Appo Deepo Bhava

10-15-2007, 05:05 PM	#4
help4husband Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 6	Yes, it's very hard. I want to be upbeat to help him think or talk about other things but then I feel like being upbeat is wrong right now. It's not so much that I am making him talk about his his feelings I am just wanting to know about her tests, or how she is feeling, or how his dad is doing. I guess I find it hard to know how to act myself. I feel like I am in the dark and don't know how to support him or his family. I get bits and pieces. I love his Mom very very much and feel helpless myself.

10-15-2007, 07:05 PM	#8
help4husband Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 6	Thank you. I know being with her is VERY important. I will, as I have, continue to suggest this to my husband. I think he doesn't want her to feel as if we are treating her differently or that he has decided in his own mind that she is going to die. I just don't want him to have regrets but I guess I also have to have faith that he knows her the best and he knows the best way to deal with this in his own way. Partially I think she is not feeling like seeing others and doesn't want her family to remember her this way.

10-15-2007, 11:01 PM	#9
Crazyaboutdogs Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 15,627	Everyone deals with this situation differently so there is no definitive right or wrong way. Is there a palliative care department in the hospital your mother-in-law goes to? They would have a lot of experience dealing with families of dying patients so maybe they can give you some good ideas. I know some of the hospitals in my city have lectures for families coping with a terminally ill loved one. Your husband may not want to seek therapy but maybe there is someone you can talk to once or twice that might be able to help you cope with all the emotions and uncertainty.