Fear and Confusion

istillluvu06 · 10-14-2007, 01:28 PM

Hi all, been on this forum for awhile and also feel like my life has been a rollercoaster. Quick background...3 year relationship, we were engaged, broke up twice, and now are in limbo trying to be friends but are still in love with eachother.

Our break up was because of my insecurity and jealousy. I am in counseling for this and trying to be the person I used to be before I became so different. We have both admitted we love eachother, we are best friends, can't seem to get over one another, and can't picture us without eachother in our lives.

We have recently become intimate again a few times. He is trying to become closer to me, but it seems when he tries his fear stops him and he pulls back again. He is almost paralyzed with fear of being hurt again by me. Him and I could be so good together we have so much potential as a couple and as individuals. He is a very caring, loving person, but all of this has changed him alot and he is scared to ever feel vulnerable again.
I understand this. I want to make him feel better and reassure him that I have no intentions of ever going back to how I was. He means the world to me.

He feels I have been pushy, so I have tried to back off. The other night the past got brought up and there is alot of anger on his part, he said he feels cheated out of the life he wanted with me. I feel anger too at myself and circumstances about the same things. We both agreed we shouldnt try to bring up the past like that as it solves nothing and causes more hurt between us. He said he can't help how he feels, he said he is torn too cause he loves me but all this fear is stopping him. He said it was self preservation I guess.

I miss him so much, I have not spent the night with him in over 2 months, or been to his house. Last night we went to dinner, talked for awhile and I went home alone feeling empty and confused. It feels like life is too short, and we are missing out on alot of time and happiness we could be having. I'm so ready for stability. I had issues before because of fear of abandonment, kind of a self furfilling prophecy. But I know for the most part who I love and what I want.

I have fears that even if we did get back together that he would never completley trust me and would always be looking over his shoulder waiting for me to screw up and hurt him. I am so hurt over this whole situation. Mostly because it feels like everything is in limbo and incomplete.

I don't know what to do other than time and patience. How do you reassure someone when they keep looking at the past as proof that they can't trust you? Does fear ever go away or are there steps to take to help someone trust again? Life feels so empty without him. Although we are still close to a certain extent, there is so much that is missing. I have written him about 5 letters and never sent them. I just want to be honest about how I really feel about him. Sometimes it's hard to say these things outright, don't wanna be pushy or make him feel I am forcing him, as he has said I make him feel like sometimes. Basically I am just searching for answers and hoping we can figure stuff out. He has even said we need to talk.
Any advice would be appreciated, I'm really lost.......Thanks

s0confused · 10-14-2007, 01:45 PM

It's funny to read how you're on the same boat as I am. I think I've realized as much as I love my ex and how much i want things to work, just like your ex, he keeps bringing up the past. and he "says" he shouldn't bring it up anymore, yet he's still really scared. I'm not disregarding his fear of getting hurt, but he at the same time has to be positive in knowing you can change. If he continues to feel this way, i'm really sorry to say but you guys can't move forward. You also have to think if it's really worth the all the pain and time to be with him if he's always going to be looking over your shoulder waiting for you to mess up. Putting yourself in that situation is really going to bring you down A LOT. trust me, i'm going through it right now and it hurts so much more than it did in the beginning of the breakup

Remember, you can't have a future unless you let go of the past.

istillluvu06 · 10-14-2007, 02:01 PM

Thanks soconfused....I feel like all the good things between us are being shut out by the fear of what COULD happen. He is going by what happened in the past and not what could happen in the future.
The same as you I'm not disregarding his fear of getting hurt, I can understand completely. I just think there comes a time when you have to decide if the person you love is more important than your fears.
I know you can't just sweep the bad under the carpet, but I think it is manageable, especially if the other person is being different and is showing understanding, love, and loyalty.
It's just so frustrating!!

s0confused · 10-14-2007, 05:38 PM

I completely know how frustrating it is. It completely sucks because just like you i'm going to counseling to solve my issues and here they are still wound up and scared of what COULD happen. You get so frustrated that you just want to yell at them and say "GET OVER IT!!!" but we can't because we can't force them to do anything they don't want to do and in my case i feel as though i shouldn't say anything because if he's not mature enough to realize it on his own why bother?

istillluvu06, i feel we really are in the same boat and it's great to be talking to someone that i can really relate to.

istillluvu06 · 10-14-2007, 05:51 PM

The crazy thing is that we meant the world to eachother, and he is still stuck in wondering how I could have loved him but yet hurt him.
I am doing all I can to rectify this cause i really do love him and am sorry, and I would love to have a future with him. I think time is the only thing here, but it is so hard to be patient when you want to get on with your life with someone.
This has been the hardest emotional situation I have been in.
It's good to know I'm not the only person going through this, although I certainly don't wish this on anybody else!!
Feel free to talk anytime

10-14-2007, 01:28 PM	#1
istillluvu06 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Stuck in NY But soon to be under the sunshine, next to the ocean, sand on my feet Gender: Female Age: 43 Posts: 758	Fear and Confusion Hi all, been on this forum for awhile and also feel like my life has been a rollercoaster. Quick background...3 year relationship, we were engaged, broke up twice, and now are in limbo trying to be friends but are still in love with eachother. Our break up was because of my insecurity and jealousy. I am in counseling for this and trying to be the person I used to be before I became so different. We have both admitted we love eachother, we are best friends, can't seem to get over one another, and can't picture us without eachother in our lives. We have recently become intimate again a few times. He is trying to become closer to me, but it seems when he tries his fear stops him and he pulls back again. He is almost paralyzed with fear of being hurt again by me. Him and I could be so good together we have so much potential as a couple and as individuals. He is a very caring, loving person, but all of this has changed him alot and he is scared to ever feel vulnerable again. I understand this. I want to make him feel better and reassure him that I have no intentions of ever going back to how I was. He means the world to me. He feels I have been pushy, so I have tried to back off. The other night the past got brought up and there is alot of anger on his part, he said he feels cheated out of the life he wanted with me. I feel anger too at myself and circumstances about the same things. We both agreed we shouldnt try to bring up the past like that as it solves nothing and causes more hurt between us. He said he can't help how he feels, he said he is torn too cause he loves me but all this fear is stopping him. He said it was self preservation I guess. I miss him so much, I have not spent the night with him in over 2 months, or been to his house. Last night we went to dinner, talked for awhile and I went home alone feeling empty and confused. It feels like life is too short, and we are missing out on alot of time and happiness we could be having. I'm so ready for stability. I had issues before because of fear of abandonment, kind of a self furfilling prophecy. But I know for the most part who I love and what I want. I have fears that even if we did get back together that he would never completley trust me and would always be looking over his shoulder waiting for me to screw up and hurt him. I am so hurt over this whole situation. Mostly because it feels like everything is in limbo and incomplete. I don't know what to do other than time and patience. How do you reassure someone when they keep looking at the past as proof that they can't trust you? Does fear ever go away or are there steps to take to help someone trust again? Life feels so empty without him. Although we are still close to a certain extent, there is so much that is missing. I have written him about 5 letters and never sent them. I just want to be honest about how I really feel about him. Sometimes it's hard to say these things outright, don't wanna be pushy or make him feel I am forcing him, as he has said I make him feel like sometimes. Basically I am just searching for answers and hoping we can figure stuff out. He has even said we need to talk. Any advice would be appreciated, I'm really lost.......Thanks __________________ **We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us** Joseph Campbell Last edited by istillluvu06; 10-14-2007 at 01:36 PM.

10-14-2007, 02:01 PM	#3
istillluvu06 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Stuck in NY But soon to be under the sunshine, next to the ocean, sand on my feet Gender: Female Age: 43 Posts: 758	Thanks soconfused....I feel like all the good things between us are being shut out by the fear of what COULD happen. He is going by what happened in the past and not what could happen in the future. The same as you I'm not disregarding his fear of getting hurt, I can understand completely. I just think there comes a time when you have to decide if the person you love is more important than your fears. I know you can't just sweep the bad under the carpet, but I think it is manageable, especially if the other person is being different and is showing understanding, love, and loyalty. It's just so frustrating!! __________________ **We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us** Joseph Campbell Last edited by istillluvu06; 10-14-2007 at 02:03 PM.

10-14-2007, 05:51 PM	#5
istillluvu06 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Stuck in NY But soon to be under the sunshine, next to the ocean, sand on my feet Gender: Female Age: 43 Posts: 758	The crazy thing is that we meant the world to eachother, and he is still stuck in wondering how I could have loved him but yet hurt him. I am doing all I can to rectify this cause i really do love him and am sorry, and I would love to have a future with him. I think time is the only thing here, but it is so hard to be patient when you want to get on with your life with someone. This has been the hardest emotional situation I have been in. It's good to know I'm not the only person going through this, although I certainly don't wish this on anybody else!! Feel free to talk anytime __________________ **We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us** Joseph Campbell

10-14-2007, 01:45 PM	#2
s0confused Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Age: 24 Posts: 25	It's funny to read how you're on the same boat as I am. I think I've realized as much as I love my ex and how much i want things to work, just like your ex, he keeps bringing up the past. and he "says" he shouldn't bring it up anymore, yet he's still really scared. I'm not disregarding his fear of getting hurt, but he at the same time has to be positive in knowing you can change. If he continues to feel this way, i'm really sorry to say but you guys can't move forward. You also have to think if it's really worth the all the pain and time to be with him if he's always going to be looking over your shoulder waiting for you to mess up. Putting yourself in that situation is really going to bring you down A LOT. trust me, i'm going through it right now and it hurts so much more than it did in the beginning of the breakup Remember, you can't have a future unless you let go of the past.

10-14-2007, 05:38 PM	#4
s0confused Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Age: 24 Posts: 25	I completely know how frustrating it is. It completely sucks because just like you i'm going to counseling to solve my issues and here they are still wound up and scared of what COULD happen. You get so frustrated that you just want to yell at them and say "GET OVER IT!!!" but we can't because we can't force them to do anything they don't want to do and in my case i feel as though i shouldn't say anything because if he's not mature enough to realize it on his own why bother? istillluvu06, i feel we really are in the same boat and it's great to be talking to someone that i can really relate to.