helping a friend cope with an alcoholic parent

HyruleGuardian · 10-13-2007, 02:16 PM

One of my good friends dad is an alcoholic and has been since she was a kid. He drinks, then stops, then starts drinking again. It's an endless cycle. She always calls me because I am always there for her to talk to, but I don't know what to tell her half the time. I basically just say "You're doing your best...there's really not much more you can do other than living your own life and hoping he will change". She agrees but I really have no clue what to tell her. It makes me feel bad that I can't really help her because I want to.

Anyone in a situation like this and what do you say?

RelaxByWater84 · 10-13-2007, 02:24 PM

I have found that really the only thing you can do in this situation is to be there for her. It seems to me that her dad is going to have this the rest of his life and for a good part of your friend's life. Just be there to listen to her and be a shoulder for her to cry on. I know that's not what you wanted to hear, however, in this case that is all you can do. My great uncles were alcoholics my grand pa is not, and the only thing my mom could do was to listen to her cousins and be the shoulder for them to cry on.

lonee'sdaughter · 10-13-2007, 02:29 PM

I really know what your friend is going through. My dad is an alcholic. If you want, you can have her reply to this and I can help her or I could just give you advice. There is nothing she can do until he wants to help himself. My dad lives with my family and it can be a sticky situation. I have learned a lot from alanon, maybe she should go there. It is a big help. You, my friend, are doing exactly what you need to do. Just listening and letting her vent. That is the best thing for your friend right now. I know from experience, you feel very alone and as if know one else is going through what you are. Then, you go to alanon and find out different. Try going with your friend to a meeting. They are confidential and anything said in the meeting stays in the meeting. I hope this helps. I will pray for you both!!!!

itsallgrand · 10-13-2007, 02:29 PM

I agree. Be there for her.

I grew up in an alcoholic home. It really started when I was in my teens, it got bad then.

Just be a friend. Having an option of somewhere else to be, sometimes, too can help.

Depending on how old she is, encouraging her and helping her move out of the house. I left and life got a lot better real fast. It's so stressful in those circumstances.

I also wish that I had heard about Al-Anon at an earlier age. When I finally went, it helped tremendously.

mumble · 10-13-2007, 02:39 PM

I don't have experience with a drug or alcohol addicted family member but have had many counselors mention Al-Anon/Alateen is the best route to understanding and repair.

HyruleGuardian · 10-13-2007, 02:40 PM

She actually doesn't live with her father because he realized he couldn't take care of her in his condition. She moved in with her aunt last year. So he at least realized that, but he still won't stop. She goes to visit him every week (he lives with her grandma) and it kills her to see her father like that. Her father is the person she loves the most in her life because her mom lives in another state and rarely talks to her.

Are there alanon locations all over the country? I might just suggest going to that.

Lana0120 · 10-13-2007, 02:51 PM

I think you're doing the best you can. A sympathetic ear when things are going wrong at her end is about all you can offer and it sounds like she appreciates that.

honey2028 · 10-13-2007, 02:53 PM

i understand aswell i also grew up in a alcoholic home my dad that is. its hard,just tell your friend to hold on in there. there is not much you or she can do. If he doesn't want to stop then no one can help. just be there and listen.

Timebandit · 10-13-2007, 02:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HyruleGuardian

It makes me feel bad that I can't really help her because I want to.

Anyone in a situation like this and what do you say?

I have grown up with an alcoholic parent too....

The sad thing is, that there is not too much you can do about it. Being supportive and understanding is the best thing you can do. Don't make your friend isolate herself from you, and don't let her family problems become a taboo between you.

You might also mention organizations such as Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) or Al-Anon, which helps relatives of alcoholics.

Just try to be a good friend, as you probably already are.

itsallgrand · 10-13-2007, 02:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HyruleGuardian

Are there alanon locations all over the country? I might just suggest going to that.

Yes. [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

The site is massive, and there are meetings all over the US and Canada, that I know of.

I think at least giving her this option will help, and she'll know how much you care.

Very sweet of you, HyruleGuardian.

10-13-2007, 02:16 PM	#1
HyruleGuardian Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Male Age: 21 Posts: 567	helping a friend cope with an alcoholic parent One of my good friends dad is an alcoholic and has been since she was a kid. He drinks, then stops, then starts drinking again. It's an endless cycle. She always calls me because I am always there for her to talk to, but I don't know what to tell her half the time. I basically just say "You're doing your best...there's really not much more you can do other than living your own life and hoping he will change". She agrees but I really have no clue what to tell her. It makes me feel bad that I can't really help her because I want to. Anyone in a situation like this and what do you say?

10-13-2007, 02:24 PM	#2
RelaxByWater84 Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: In the Now Gender: Female Age: 25 Posts: 923	I have found that really the only thing you can do in this situation is to be there for her. It seems to me that her dad is going to have this the rest of his life and for a good part of your friend's life. Just be there to listen to her and be a shoulder for her to cry on. I know that's not what you wanted to hear, however, in this case that is all you can do. My great uncles were alcoholics my grand pa is not, and the only thing my mom could do was to listen to her cousins and be the shoulder for them to cry on. __________________ Now caught in a waltz With the eternal dancer I'm courted by death But death isn't the answer I say. Beethoven's Last Night Trans-Siberian Orchestra Last edited by RelaxByWater84; 10-13-2007 at 02:26 PM.

10-13-2007, 02:29 PM	#3
lonee'sdaughter Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: New York Gender: Female Posts: 23	I really know what your friend is going through. My dad is an alcholic. If you want, you can have her reply to this and I can help her or I could just give you advice. There is nothing she can do until he wants to help himself. My dad lives with my family and it can be a sticky situation. I have learned a lot from alanon, maybe she should go there. It is a big help. You, my friend, are doing exactly what you need to do. Just listening and letting her vent. That is the best thing for your friend right now. I know from experience, you feel very alone and as if know one else is going through what you are. Then, you go to alanon and find out different. Try going with your friend to a meeting. They are confidential and anything said in the meeting stays in the meeting. I hope this helps. I will pray for you both!!!! __________________ lonee'sdaughter

10-13-2007, 02:29 PM	#4
itsallgrand Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: following my grace... Gender: None Specified Posts: 6,783	I agree. Be there for her. I grew up in an alcoholic home. It really started when I was in my teens, it got bad then. Just be a friend. Having an option of somewhere else to be, sometimes, too can help. Depending on how old she is, encouraging her and helping her move out of the house. I left and life got a lot better real fast. It's so stressful in those circumstances. I also wish that I had heard about Al-Anon at an earlier age. When I finally went, it helped tremendously. __________________ "The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off." Mal Pancoast

10-13-2007, 02:39 PM	#5
mumble Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Oregon Gender: Male Posts: 115	I don't have experience with a drug or alcohol addicted family member but have had many counselors mention Al-Anon/Alateen is the best route to understanding and repair. __________________ I only know what I believe, the rest seems so absurd to me. -Ty Tabor << Django Reinhardt

10-13-2007, 02:40 PM	#6
HyruleGuardian Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Male Age: 21 Posts: 567	She actually doesn't live with her father because he realized he couldn't take care of her in his condition. She moved in with her aunt last year. So he at least realized that, but he still won't stop. She goes to visit him every week (he lives with her grandma) and it kills her to see her father like that. Her father is the person she loves the most in her life because her mom lives in another state and rarely talks to her. Are there alanon locations all over the country? I might just suggest going to that.

10-13-2007, 02:51 PM	#7
Lana0120 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 3,465	I think you're doing the best you can. A sympathetic ear when things are going wrong at her end is about all you can offer and it sounds like she appreciates that.

10-13-2007, 02:53 PM	#8
honey2028 Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: pa/ny Gender: Female Age: 23 Posts: 12	i understand aswell i also grew up in a alcoholic home my dad that is. its hard,just tell your friend to hold on in there. there is not much you or she can do. If he doesn't want to stop then no one can help. just be there and listen.