What should I do--- Married for 12 years

jason123 · 10-06-2007, 12:10 PM

Am at a loss and I find myself hurting much more than I'm enjoying life (no worries, I value my life too much)
I'm an 33 years old engineer, love my job, have 2 young boys and a teenage daughter (my ex’s from previous marriage)

My ex and I met in college, lived together for few years and got married. We were married for 9 years before the “big” event. I was on business when my wife made out with a scumbag friend of ours. My ex and his wife were best friends until the act of indiscretion. My ex said they had too much to drink and kissed, while my kids were in the house (good thing they were under 5 at the time.) As it turned out, they had been meeting at parks, restaurants,... kissing and making out on several occasions. I couldn't handle the thought, knowing how much of a downgrade he is. It didn't make sense. The scumbag writes poems I guess, and being a sweet talker, that's all it took!

Needless to say, we got a divorce. She moved out for few months and life was hell for me and for the kids. She was drinking a lot at the time and everything was second to partying and dating for her. I had to do something, and maybe not the smart thing. I committed to be a better husband (which she claimed I wasn’t that’s why she fell for the scumbag) to give her the freedom she didn’t think she had. She moved back and as far as she tells me, she broke it off with all here separation period ties. The scumbag calls her every once in a while. She tells me about it, but no details… she says “she’s handling it like a big girl.” One of the issues she hated was when I asked when she'd be home, who she's talking to, what about,.... All are viewed by her as control, which I totally agree. So now, I'm being extra sensitive not invading her privacy in any way.

How I found out about all the crap that was going on behind my back was through spying (phone tapping, listening in, talking to her frineds...) which I’m not very proud of. It’s when you know something is going on and for a curious person like I am you have to find out! I would have done anything to figure out what's happening.

Now, we’ve been back living together for over 2 years. For the most part, things are going well. I stay out of her business, I don't interfere with activites, and I'm trying to give my kids as good of a life as they can get.
Thinking about what had happened put me in a “Blue” state for quite sometime but I get over it eventually, since it's a fact of life. Events took place and I can't change that. Doesn't make it feel any better still. Looking through phone bills casually (not for snooping purposes) I see calls to “PayPhones” (untraceable) for 83 minutes at a time, that’s when she’s away from the house for work. I can’t confront her, because that brings back memories of snooping around on her pre-divorce. Here activities are suspicious: changing clothes (under garments) immediately when she gets home sometimes. Her obsession with working out, physical characteristics (what the women private parts feel after intercourse), and other acts all can be sings of indiscretion OR can simply be explainable. I don’t know how to proceed! Should I assume she’s sleeping around and do the same myself (that way the kids are ok as long as we’re civil to each other at home)? Should I confront the women and risk ruining things for me (I’m in love with the woman) and for the kids? The fact that I would ask about her physical state would imply that I’m suspicious and that opens up a can of worms. How do I proceed???? Please help, I’m loosing my mind. Just thinking about who she’s sleeping around with (assuming she is) is driving me crazy. Is it a friend, colleague, some high-school kid, a former student…
Thanks you… Jason

RayKay · 10-06-2007, 12:16 PM

Kids are NOT okay just because you are civil to one another. This is from experience...kids are astute, they learn to see resentment, they DO find out about affairs, and they learn that is "acceptable" in their own futures.

Do not go out and have an affair just to get revenge. If you find she is cheating; leave.

I am not sure if she is or isn't; some of the behaviour does seem odd if she has never done it before (the underwear thing is strange) - but then again maybe she is just concerned about aging and is taking care of herself. I am obsessive about working out too; but I am not having an affair! I enjoy it and like to look and feel good for myself and my partner!

I think you need to sit down and talk about how you have noticed she has been particularly distracted lately and you are wondering if she wanted to talk...if you have been together this many years; you should be able to TALK to one another - and you should be able to know when she is truthful or not. If she has nothing to hide, I can't see her reaction being anger if your approach is not an accusatory one.

jason123 · 10-06-2007, 12:30 PM

How would you ask someone why does your vagina look look like you just had sex without being accusatory? I'm an engineer, and interpersonal skills are down on my list. My suspicions like you noted could be explained. If I snoop around and she ever finds out, we're done. How do I talk to her about what's going on? She the type that tells you what you want to hear. For example, knowing how I am, she says she never slept with anyone while we're separated. She had a 23 year old boyfrined hanging around her house day in and day out... How is that possible... knowing her? I know she's lying about that, but she knows the effects on our relation if she actually comes out and says it. What I'm saying is "Talking" is not going to get me anywhere. HELP!

Idocsteve · 10-06-2007, 01:02 PM

There are red flags all over the place, and the odds are that she is having an affair. She has the history, and there are many things going on that are unexplainable.

You have every reason to question her, in light of her history. For her to say that you can't is just so wrong. And if she had nothing to hide, she would be much more accepting of you looking into her activities.

Regardless...the uncertainty that you feel and the powerlessness that you have is going to gradually make you crazy. You need to deal with this NOW.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jason123

Should I confront the women and risk ruining things for me (I’m in love with the woman) and for the kids? The fact that I would ask about her physical state would imply that I’m suspicious and that opens up a can of worms.

Things may already be ruined. You just might not know it yet. The can needs to be opened.

**Hope75** · 10-06-2007, 01:22 PM

This does not sound like healthy relationship.

It sounds like she cheated, blamed you for it, and you took responsibility and took her back, and are now walking on egg shells trying not to upset her so she won't leave again.

So where does that leave you? In a time when she should be more open and willing to account for her time and wherabouts as you learn to trust her again (and IMO, she should give this freely and not act as though you are putting her off by asking- she cheated on you, not the other way around), she is more secretive than ever, and you are afraid to talk to her and feel that you can't!

What sort of a pseudo-marriage relationship is this? Where you can't really trust her, she is secretive, and you can't talk to her about it?

Loki71 · 10-06-2007, 03:26 PM

Just remember the old saying if it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck then odds are it is a duck. While most people that have cheated run a high risk of cheating again but there are a few that learn their lesson. I do not want to say she is but I agree all signs point to yes she is. If you can't confront her then highlite the phone bill and start leaving the things you find laying out for her to see that you found them and see if she makes the first move to talk about it (this does not always work). But it is never good to just stay together for the kids. Kids are alot smarter than we think and will tend to know whats going on anyway.

10-06-2007, 12:10 PM	#1
jason123 Offline Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 2	What should I do--- Married for 12 years Am at a loss and I find myself hurting much more than I'm enjoying life (no worries, I value my life too much) I'm an 33 years old engineer, love my job, have 2 young boys and a teenage daughter (my ex’s from previous marriage) My ex and I met in college, lived together for few years and got married. We were married for 9 years before the “big” event. I was on business when my wife made out with a scumbag friend of ours. My ex and his wife were best friends until the act of indiscretion. My ex said they had too much to drink and kissed, while my kids were in the house (good thing they were under 5 at the time.) As it turned out, they had been meeting at parks, restaurants,... kissing and making out on several occasions. I couldn't handle the thought, knowing how much of a downgrade he is. It didn't make sense. The scumbag writes poems I guess, and being a sweet talker, that's all it took! Needless to say, we got a divorce. She moved out for few months and life was hell for me and for the kids. She was drinking a lot at the time and everything was second to partying and dating for her. I had to do something, and maybe not the smart thing. I committed to be a better husband (which she claimed I wasn’t that’s why she fell for the scumbag) to give her the freedom she didn’t think she had. She moved back and as far as she tells me, she broke it off with all here separation period ties. The scumbag calls her every once in a while. She tells me about it, but no details… she says “she’s handling it like a big girl.” One of the issues she hated was when I asked when she'd be home, who she's talking to, what about,.... All are viewed by her as control, which I totally agree. So now, I'm being extra sensitive not invading her privacy in any way. How I found out about all the crap that was going on behind my back was through spying (phone tapping, listening in, talking to her frineds...) which I’m not very proud of. It’s when you know something is going on and for a curious person like I am you have to find out! I would have done anything to figure out what's happening. Now, we’ve been back living together for over 2 years. For the most part, things are going well. I stay out of her business, I don't interfere with activites, and I'm trying to give my kids as good of a life as they can get. Thinking about what had happened put me in a “Blue” state for quite sometime but I get over it eventually, since it's a fact of life. Events took place and I can't change that. Doesn't make it feel any better still. Looking through phone bills casually (not for snooping purposes) I see calls to “PayPhones” (untraceable) for 83 minutes at a time, that’s when she’s away from the house for work. I can’t confront her, because that brings back memories of snooping around on her pre-divorce. Here activities are suspicious: changing clothes (under garments) immediately when she gets home sometimes. Her obsession with working out, physical characteristics (what the women private parts feel after intercourse), and other acts all can be sings of indiscretion OR can simply be explainable. I don’t know how to proceed! Should I assume she’s sleeping around and do the same myself (that way the kids are ok as long as we’re civil to each other at home)? Should I confront the women and risk ruining things for me (I’m in love with the woman) and for the kids? The fact that I would ask about her physical state would imply that I’m suspicious and that opens up a can of worms. How do I proceed???? Please help, I’m loosing my mind. Just thinking about who she’s sleeping around with (assuming she is) is driving me crazy. Is it a friend, colleague, some high-school kid, a former student… Thanks you… Jason Last edited by jason123; 10-06-2007 at 12:20 PM.

10-06-2007, 12:16 PM	#2
RayKay Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Middle of Canada Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 13,270	Kids are NOT okay just because you are civil to one another. This is from experience...kids are astute, they learn to see resentment, they DO find out about affairs, and they learn that is "acceptable" in their own futures. Do not go out and have an affair just to get revenge. If you find she is cheating; leave. I am not sure if she is or isn't; some of the behaviour does seem odd if she has never done it before (the underwear thing is strange) - but then again maybe she is just concerned about aging and is taking care of herself. I am obsessive about working out too; but I am not having an affair! I enjoy it and like to look and feel good for myself and my partner! I think you need to sit down and talk about how you have noticed she has been particularly distracted lately and you are wondering if she wanted to talk...if you have been together this many years; you should be able to TALK to one another - and you should be able to know when she is truthful or not. If she has nothing to hide, I can't see her reaction being anger if your approach is not an accusatory one. __________________ [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]<--- [COLOR=sienna]Carbun the Super-Bunny[/COLOR][/B][/COLOR][/FONT] [B][FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=#556b2f][/COLOR][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]At the end of the day, how you imprinted on someones life and heart is the only true mark any of us leave on this earth and is what we are most proud of... [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- My Biggest Hero and Mentor: My Mum.[/SIZE][/I] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=orange][B]Il faut d'abord durer [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- Ernest Hemingway[/SIZE][/I]

10-06-2007, 01:22 PM	#5
Hope75 Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: kitteh ville Gender: Female Age: 33 Posts: 12,512	This does not sound like healthy relationship. It sounds like she cheated, blamed you for it, and you took responsibility and took her back, and are now walking on egg shells trying not to upset her so she won't leave again. So where does that leave you? In a time when she should be more open and willing to account for her time and wherabouts as you learn to trust her again (and IMO, she should give this freely and not act as though you are putting her off by asking- she cheated on you, not the other way around), she is more secretive than ever, and you are afraid to talk to her and feel that you can't! What sort of a pseudo-marriage relationship is this? Where you can't really trust her, she is secretive, and you can't talk to her about it? __________________ Muffin cats need love too. Please refer to the forum rules before posting: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/forum-rules.php Mama to a beautiful baby girl born 6-25-09. :)

10-06-2007, 03:26 PM	#6
Loki71 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: In a new world reborn. Gender: Male Posts: 1,076	Just remember the old saying if it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck then odds are it is a duck. While most people that have cheated run a high risk of cheating again but there are a few that learn their lesson. I do not want to say she is but I agree all signs point to yes she is. If you can't confront her then highlite the phone bill and start leaving the things you find laying out for her to see that you found them and see if she makes the first move to talk about it (this does not always work). But it is never good to just stay together for the kids. Kids are alot smarter than we think and will tend to know whats going on anyway. Last edited by Loki71; 10-07-2007 at 10:16 AM.

10-06-2007, 12:30 PM	#3
jason123 Offline Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 2	How would you ask someone why does your vagina look look like you just had sex without being accusatory? I'm an engineer, and interpersonal skills are down on my list. My suspicions like you noted could be explained. If I snoop around and she ever finds out, we're done. How do I talk to her about what's going on? She the type that tells you what you want to hear. For example, knowing how I am, she says she never slept with anyone while we're separated. She had a 23 year old boyfrined hanging around her house day in and day out... How is that possible... knowing her? I know she's lying about that, but she knows the effects on our relation if she actually comes out and says it. What I'm saying is "Talking" is not going to get me anywhere. HELP!