Time for a change

[tangi39]

I have had it. I am done. I am tired of working as hard as possible to make
something work in vain. I am putting all my effort into this marriage while he just sits there, not caring at all. I am sick of all of the double standards. I have had enough of being his doormat ! I can’t stand all the nasty comments anymore- telling me I need to lose weight (I’m a size 2) ! Not wanting to be close to me, not caring about my feelings at all- while he is constantly burying me with all of his insecurities. He is always mocking my accomplishments while perpetually gloating about any tiny thing he does right.
He is spending money like water, then blaming me for our debt.
It’s time for a change. A real change. I am sick of sitting around hoping this or that will get better. It’s not.
He refuses to go to counseling with me- he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with his behavior.
He needs to realize- I don’t need him ! Yes, I love him -but I don’t NEED him.
I don’t need someone to make me feel bad about myself every day, to put me down and make me feel unloved.
I have had enough of him flirting with other women while I’m around, lying, Sneaking around (possibly cheating on me)
He is almost never happy anymore- constantly complaining about something or other.
I am not perfect either, I have my fair share of faults as well- the difference is I am not constantly rubbing his in his face.
I really never thought I would consider divorce- I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Yes, I know every relationship has it’s up/downs, problems, etc. If he would even show the slightest sign of caring, I would say we have a shot- but it is not looking this way. I can’t fight for this marriage solo. I’ll just end up continuing to hurt myself.
I have to do something. I cannot continue on like this wishing for something to get fixed that is clearly never going to be.
The marriage is not getting better and I am just getting more and more hurt in the process from his lack of trying.
I am not sure exactly what to do. But I have made a decision to choose a path. I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff- and I am extremely scared and I don’t know what is going to happen.
I just hope someone is there to catch me once I take the leap.

[jettison]

There was a point in my relationship, after about 7 years, where my SO told me "I can't live another year like this. I won't. I've had it."

My response was "If I had a choice, don't you think I'd make it?"

Make sure that your husband really has a choice. Make sure that you're not waking up each morning with so much anger and resentment that you can't even see him for who he is today, and you won't allow him to see you either. If you hold onto resentment, then the death of the relationship is the only option.

Don't get cumulative on him more then you have to. Wake up tomorrow morning and just say, "I'm going to be a terrific wife today. I know that he's disappointed me, I know things aren't perfect, I know he could have done better, but all I can control is me. I'm going to be terrific at this. And if I don't get the response I'm looking for then I'm not going to internalize this, keep score, and resent him still more. Instead, I'm going to wake up tomrrow and to the same thing. I'm going to do this for a month. I'm going to lead by example, and show him how things could be. I'm going to give him this month to either follow my lead, or walk away forever."

If you go this route, you can be sure that you'll find out what you have. You can be sure that you're either with someone who really loves you, but doesn't know how to deal with an angry, resentful person, or you're with someone who doesn't really love you anymore, and doesn't deserve your time and effort any longer.

Give him that one shot though. Take a month for you, for him, and for the relationship. Suck it up and put the negativity behind you 100% for one month.

[jul-els]

Originally Posted by jettison

There was a point in my relationship, after about 7 years, where my SO told me "I can't live another year like this. I won't. I've had it."

My response was "If I had a choice, don't you think I'd make it?"

Make sure that your husband really has a choice. Make sure that you're not waking up each morning with so much anger and resentment that you can't even see him for who he is today, and you won't allow him to see you either. If you hold onto resentment, then the death of the relationship is the only option.

Don't get cumulative on him more then you have to. Wake up tomorrow morning and just say, "I'm going to be a terrific wife today. I know that he's disappointed me, I know things aren't perfect, I know he could have done better, but all I can control is me. I'm going to be terrific at this. And if I don't get the response I'm looking for then I'm not going to internalize this, keep score, and resent him still more. Instead, I'm going to wake up tomrrow and to the same thing. I'm going to do this for a month. I'm going to lead by example, and show him how things could be. I'm going to give him this month to either follow my lead, or walk away forever."

If you go this route, you can be sure that you'll find out what you have. You can be sure that you're either with someone who really loves you, but doesn't know how to deal with an angry, resentful person, or you're with someone who doesn't really love you anymore, and doesn't deserve your time and effort any longer.

Give him that one shot though. Take a month for you, for him, and for the relationship. Suck it up and put the negativity behind you 100% for one month.

I think this is good advice and if you haven't tried this already, then you do owe it to yourself and him to make this kind of an honest, unbiased assessment before you make a choice to leave.

If, however, you have already made these concessions and the final report is in, then don't subject yourself to further anguish. Take whatever steps you need to take and do what's best for you.

[amtjrtcet]

Are you married to my ex?

I've been there. I wasn't married, thank goodness, but we might as well have been. Its been 2 yrs & I'm still trying to get that house of my name.

Doesn't sound like there are any children involved am I right?

You're obviously trying here, if he isn't then what else are you expected to do?

Do what makes you happy. You'll be fine, and your family and friends will support you. I was scared to death to leave him, he was all I knew. But one day I just woke up and decided I'd had enough. And that was it-never looked back.

[ghost69]

well, while i like the above post about what to do, it sounds like your mind is made up. it sounds like you have tried things like this and there is nothing more to do. from everything i've read, the only thing he isn't doing is physically hitting you. everything else seems like complete negatives to get out.

the only thing i would like to say is you say you don't know what you are going to do and which path you will take. this is what you decided when you got married. you need to know the path you want to take before you step foot out the door. make sure it's in YOUR best interest and nobody else's.

[TechResQ]

You sound like a very intelligent, caring and determined woman.

You don't need anyone to catch you when you go over that edge, you can and will make it. Find your inner strength and that, in turn will give you inner peace. I know it's scary, I've been in your shoes, but the freedom you will feel after your final move will be incredible.

You can do it.

Keep us up to date on your progress.

[tangi39]

The thing is, that is what I have been trying to do for over a year now.
I have not gotten mad at him, blamed him or anything like that.
I have only casually and lovingly suggested counseling, which he refused.
I have never flat out blamed him for anything but just told him things that bother me in a unconfrontational way. The problems come when I tell him that something bothers me and he knowingly continues to do it not considering my feelings. I am trying to lead by good example and he is not following, that is why I am frustrated. He is not making an effort- I am being good as gold to him while his treatment of me is getting worse and worse. I am not trying to be negative- I am just being honest. Even complete strangers have come up to me places while he is in the bathroom etc. and asked if I need help.
I am not trying to paint him as a villian- it just becomes hard to bear all of it alone and not feel hurt - I am not really angry, just very hurt and sad.
If I sound angry, it's because I am venting trying to get it all out.

[ghost69]

the edge of the cliff has a water slide to freedom. freedom and peace of mind. no more drama and stress.

[tangi39]

Thanks, TechResQ ! And to everyone else who replied ! I appreciate it.
It's nice to feel that there are people who understand and care.
I am just really sad and scared right now. But I would rather go through trial by fire and ultimately be happier than stay with something out of fear.
I am not perfect, but I am still a person- and my feelings do matter. And I do matter. So thanks everyone !

[jul-els]

Originally Posted by tangi39

The thing is, that is what I have been trying to do for over a year now.
I have not gotten mad at him, blamed him or anything like that.
I have only casually and lovingly suggested counseling, which he refused.
I have never flat out blamed him for anything but just told him things that bother me in a unconfrontational way. The problems come when I tell him that something bothers me and he knowingly continues to do it not considering my feelings. I am trying to lead by good example and he is not following, that is why I am frustrated. He is not making an effort- I am being good as gold to him while his treatment of me is getting worse and worse. I am not trying to be negative- I am just being honest. Even complete strangers have come up to me places while he is in the bathroom etc. and asked if I need help.
I am not trying to paint him as a villian- it just becomes hard to bear all of it alone and not feel hurt - I am not really angry, just very hurt and sad.
If I sound angry, it's because I am venting trying to get it all out.

Relationships are hard and the work should be shared.

It sounds like all of the responsibility has been placed on your side of the scale and you have been left to deal with it which is completely unfair to you. It sounds like it's wearing you down and you really shouldn't be expected to work that hard.

There is no sense of fairness or consideration here. You have offered to get conunseling and made efforts to meet him halfway. You can't do it alone. You have a right to be happy.