Relationship With X

[John Bendix]

I would like to start a topic on how we deal with the X after the seperation and divorce.

It seems to matter how the actual dissolution of the relationship happened. Thrown into the mix is the children that are involved. In most of the posts that I have read here, the divorce is one-sided. The reasons for the separation do not seem to matter as much as the way it is handled or perceived to have been handled by both partners involved.

In my case, my X unloaded the bomb and withdrew behind her wall. Nothing got in or out, emotional speaking. She would have no discussion with me no matter how rational and calm I attempted to proceed. I was belittled, screamed at, blamed for everything, accused of everything, and then just ignored. I felt responsible for her emotional distress to the max. I felt that a righteous man would try to help his wife and his family all he could. She took it as interference with her right to live her life anyway she wanted. I was told many times that she did not need or want my help, she did not want to talk to me, and that she just wanted me out of her life.

When I was served divorce papers, went to court, and received custody of the kids and the house, she refused to speak to me unless it was to continue her assault on my character. At this point, I did not take it personally. I tried to get her to see reality but she was extremely delusional and in denial of her actions. I still wanted her to stay and work out her problems and ours. She told me she wasted 25 years of her life on me and that I turned the kids against her. They rarely and begrudgingly see her or repsond to her phone calls. Her demeanor towards them is of all smiles and "Disneyland Mom" but they see through it and see her as a phoney and in a state of denial that anything is wrong with her. They refuse to deal with her in anyway meaningful but will not hurt her feelings.

Fast forward to post divorce (14 months ago). In this time, I have not called her once. She has called a few times, nerviously (guity conscious need no accuser?), in which she begins to vent what was wrong with me. No remorse, appologies to our kids, or a tear has been shed by her in this time. Anger has been her only outlet and directed at me. I do not react emotionally or even respond to the ludicris accusations and untruths thrown at me. She even tried to tell a month or so ago that I threw her out. I never wanted her to leave and wrote letters to her explaining that since she did not want to talk. The positve side of divorce is that I do not have to listen to this anymore. When it begins, I simply say bye and hang up. When she immediately calls back, I explain that I am not going through this again and when I tried to talk to her, for months, she refused. I say bye again. She calls back but this time I am not answering. I do not need anymore of these toxic interactions.

Since the only minor left (15) refuses to go to her house, there is very little opportunity for interaction. When she comes to his games, we do not speak to one another or acknowledge each other's existence. She nerviously watches me but dares not to approach me. I cannot think of a worse outcome after a 25 year intimate relationship which produced three outstanding human beings, my sons.

I am not condoning all of my actions but all of this has lead me down a path I know I needed to be on. My book tells the whole story in detail.

Comments?

John

[lucyintheskywithdiamonds]

wow. i am sorry to hear that. if i were you... i would simply ignore her. talk to your kids, deal with them, be the best daddy ever - it seems to me you already are... be polite, but do not tolerate abuse - let her be crazy far away from you.

may God bless you.

[BeyondHurt]

Sorry to hear about that.

As I have been told by people that are close to me:

be the better person

do not argue back

when you do say something, say it to the point

show your kids you are strong, be open with them, have an open communication

You are doing the right thing, keeping in that line of path is what you have to work on. Which I know can be a daily task.

[Tigger67]

My story on relationship with an X after divorce is a somewhat different one. Not necessarily less painful, but it is different.
This is a condensed version of my story as there are many twists and turns in the whole relationship, so I will just mention the basics at this time. About a year ago, my wife of 17 years decided that she did not want to be married anymore. There were no major factors for the reason, just many little ones that piled up over the years. Basically it boiled down to a drifting apart and non-communication about things that should have been discussed. She felt she didn't know me anymore, I had changed, she wanted to find out what she wanted and could do with her life, and needed to do that on her own. The big turning point was when I (not a confrontational person) 'blew up' about all the things that were going on in our lives. I wasn't blowing up about her at all, but to her about everything else. She didn't like it and was scared and decided that we needed to be apart.
In two weeks after this she asked for a divorce and I quietly agreed to it without argument, mainly because I knew there was no point in arguing as she said that if I didn't then she would take me to court, which I did not want, as we have kids and I did not want them to be dragged into anything ugly. We sat down, came up with an agreement on custody, possessions, money, and that neither would ask for support or alimony from the other.(Why couldn't we have sat down and talked like this when married?!?) She then submitted everything to an attorney and the divorce was finalized 2 weeks before Christmas.
She moved out of our house that October and is now living in an apartment. I also moved from our house and moved to another house that is in the town where our kids go to school (We did have a small farmstead in the country). We are about ten miles apart, the kids come to my place every Wed, Thur, and alternating weekends. They take the bus to her place on the other days. We are in constant contact with each other (to talk about the kids and schedules, etc. ) and see each other almost twice a week. At the beginning I was initiating contact, asking if we could talk about us, trying to get more clarity on what exactly went wrong and hoping to repair something. I do love her and am still hoping for this as I don't see it as 'irreconciable differences' as stated in the attorney's papers. She has always given an excuse not to talk about us (wrong time, too tired , phones dying, I haven' had time to think about us, etc.). So, I did actually stop initiating anything (Before I got onto this website and learned about NC!) which did help me quite a bit in my own personal life. She has now been the one initiating contact, pops around to see me at work, sends an occasional e-mail (one being "It was really good to see you today. We haven't talked much lately except about the kids") Yeah. No kidding. She came around here last Thursday morning to do my daughters hair for school picture day (probably a good idea really!)
Honestly, I'm not sure how I really feel about all of this. There is no animosity or harshness and we are both getting along fine (I have a new job, she has a new job, we are both happy with our work). But sometimes I wish there is or had been because it may make this all easier for me. I feel as if I am in a 'limbo' state. I have no desire to date anybody else, nor does she. She had even said at the beginning (possibly just to soothe me) that she would rather divorce me now and remarry me than to continue being married at that time(!?) If there was more of a rift between us, I feel it would be easier for me to just move on with my life, but at this moment it really isn't that bad and I am still 'holding on' for that possibility. I guess the one thing that does bother me is that she seems to be playing 'married' but does not want to be married. And I really don't have any anger towards her. I am hurt and confused and I wouldn't mind a few questions answered, but I do not have this loathing for her. This also makes it harder. I have become a bit more indifferent to some things, but a true anger has just not come into play.
As I said this is a somewhat condensed version of my whole story. If anyone has some insight, or questions or thoughts on all of this, it would be very much appreciated. Would just like to know someone else's take on this. And maybe somebody will let me know what's going on, as my X doesn't seem to want to!

[John Bendix]

It is great that there is no emotional "violence" between the two of you. But that does not discount other harmful emotional reaction that are being gathered inside as pain.

Does she know what she wants? I seriously doubt it. Has htere been an emotional wall buit up to shield her from the pain she has inside ? Very likely. It is exhibiting itself in her refusal to talk through the issues between you. This wall, once erected by the ego, does not allow anything potential harmful in or out. The ego views them as threats to itself.

It seems that the relationship was perceived by her to be one that did not satisfy her needs. Actually this a just a patented phrase to cover up one's dissatisfaction with one's own life situation. If this is not egoic in nature, I do not know what else is. Her needs, as are everyone's, are the needs of the ego. The ego incessantly needs something to make itself feel more complete. But, what it is really seeking is the feeling it derives from fulfullment, accomplishment, or possesion. These emotional feelings, as well as every other one, are temporary and fleeting. The nature of the ego is to always seek more as an erroneous attempt to make it feel more complete. I see the fulfillment of needs as an insatiable desire which leads to some dyfunctional actions and mind set.

The hurt and confusion you feel will be expressed in some emotional way or another. It may be consolidated as pain inside of you such as the low hum of discontentment that you may feel constantly.

The divorce now and re-marry idea does not seem rational but it is a symptom of looking to the future to bail her out from the pain she has. Her relationship did live up to her expectations (future). But, she continues to go down the same dysfunctional mind set that it will do so. Believe me, she is in pain but withholding its emtional display to you and the outside world, with the help of the wall, just as you have done.

Wishing and hopeing that things are different, were differnet, or will be different, is again the ego's erroneous way of coping. The future will not bail you out. The past cannot be changed. Accepting what is, right now, will end emotional suffering. You are free to work for change in the here and now but without expectation of what will happen in the imaginary future.

"I’ve just been out there doing what seems to make the most sense to me and letting go of the outcome".
Dr. Wayne Dyer

John

[John Bendix]

BeyondHurt,

Thanks for your insight.

The court sanctioned mediator, who happened to be the ex-Family Court judge, tried to tell me the same thing. She told me that since I was the rational one in this divorce, that I would have to stand up and be the one to make things go in a proper fashion. That my X was so self absorbed by this point that she could not be counted on to make rational decisions in regards to the proceures of the court. While true, this was an obvious attempt to appeal to my ego.

By trying to help her wiht her struggles (fruitless task), I did not ingage in any arguments or confrontations. She was too far gone, in more ways than one, to have a conversation with. I was even told that I was the enemy. All subsequent conversations have been iniatated by her and an attempt to lash out at me for what has transpired. She even withholds child support, measly amount, in order to get hunk on me. I simply choose not to be involved in this toxic relationship not matter what the court says that I have to do.

John

John

[BeyondHurt]

I will tell you one of the ppl that gave my advice. . . .I will make you laugh -- my hairstylist He was in a marriage, kids, divorced, and turned to the other side, besides that he is a great person, and has a big reason of logic.

[John Bendix]

The other side being seeking out male companions for interactions of all types? Good luck to him but not something I have an interest in.

John

[Tigger67]

Thank-you John for the reply and comments. I agree with everything you said. I don't feel that she knows what she wants (3 different jobs and three address changes in 8 months. A little unsettled), and there is definately a big wall, or should I say fortress, built around her.
She has mentioned to me though, that since the divorce she has been able to see how her actions contributed to the failure of our marriage. Before, it was all to do with me. At least we agree on something now--that neither one of us now believe that I was solely to blame. My own insight to this has helped me tremendously in my own personal growth and healing.
Still not sure where to even go with this, if there is even a right 'path' to take. Do I weather out the storm and wait for this wall of hers to come down (even the Berlin Wall came down, so there may be a chance here!), or abandon the whole idea and move on? I think in a way I am doing both at this time. I am getting on with my life and feel that I am in a pretty good place with myself ( could be better of course), but also just hanging on and waiting to see if the walls do start to crumble. Am I fooling myself into believing that this could happen? Is this just all a waste of time and energy?
Anyone know of similar situations?

[John Bendix]

If you are asking if there is a right thing to do, I would have to answer no. We do not know how things will turn out. The outcome of everything under the sun is in doubt. The future can not known in any certainty. It is a realm that only exists in images of what could be. The place thatwe can effect change ordo anything is the present moment. It is in this timeless, present moment that everything is done. Try not to live in the future with expectation of the outcome. The only certain is dissapointment. Putting your attention there can lead to alot of suffering.

Many therapists that I have talked have told me that the Walkaway will either see the light or not. No one knows. Her dysfunctional mind set led to the construction of an emotional wall. If she has learned to build a fortress to cope with her fears and pain, she may just keep on doing this. Because she says that she sees that you are not to blame entirely for the dissolution of the marriage is good for her own well being and a first step towards rationality. Sorry, but not necessarily a sign for a renewal of her connection with you. She could erect those walls at a moment's notice. I hope not but it can happen.

Communication through each other's connection with one another is the key. The wall is the obstacle and it is her obstacle to communication. You cannot get through it without her aprroval. How to get that is a question for the ages because of its dysfunctional nature. The walkaway is the one most resistent to change because of the risk of future pain.

"I’ve just been out there doing what seems to make the most sense to me and letting go of the outcome".
Dr. Wayne Dyer