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How do I make her realize she's WRONG?


tommyknocker

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My GF and I have been together for almost 5 months. She is the GIRL OF MY DREAMS in every possible way. We fit together perfectly, she's everything I've been looking for. I am so in love with her it hurts. When I think about ever losing her, I start shaking cause it scares me so bad.

 

Everything was going really well (I thought) until a few days ago. I pride myself in treating a woman well, and I've been the perfect boyfriend to her... paying for meals, always letting her know how beautiful she is, getting her little gifts just because. Seriously I have done NOTHING wrong as a boyfriend, I'm always there for her, and we haven't even had sex yet because I'm respecting her wish to wait! It's hard to do, but that's how much I love her.

 

I should also mention, I KNOW she loves me back. When I say "I love you" she says it right back. She said she's never felt this way about someone before.

 

Ummm anyway. Flashforward to a few days ago. I was going to drive up to visit her for a 3 days (we live an hr. and a half away) and out of the blue she drops this bomb. She says she's "confused" and isn't sure how she's feeling... and that she wants a "break." UMMM excuse me?

 

I know exactly what's going on. She's scared because the love is so intense. She even said that to me once - that she's never had someone love her this much and it scares her. And now she's running from it because she's afraid of being in love. She's had a lot of bad relationship experiences, including something that was almost rape, so i know she has trouble getting close to people, and will run away instead of letting go and opening up. So right now, I know she's in love with me like I am with her - but her intimacy issues are making her want to flee instead of continue our relationship.

 

Anyway. We got in a fight on the phone, it was pretty late at night, but I decided to drive up and just sleep outside her place in my car, so I could see her in the morning. I sent her a text message saying to call me when she woke up.

 

In the morning, I surprised her at her door with some flowers, and said I was sorry for fighting and was 100% willing to forget all the stuff she said last night, and keep moving forward with our relationship. But when I tried to kiss her, she refused, and said she really needed "a break to think things through." I asked her what she needed to think through, and she said she wasn't sure she liked me romantically! She said she thought of me as a best friend but not really as a boyfriend, and it was stressing her out. Well I told her that was BS because through her words and actions, she clearly has feelings for me. It's obvious, she's just in denial because she's afraid to get close to someone. It ended with both of us in tears and she said to just give her some space for a week.

 

Today she didn't answer any of my calls or text messages and I'm mad beyond belief.... I can't believe she would throw away such an amazing relationship. I know we're not broken up yet but I feel like she might end things soon. Which TERRIFIES me so bad. I understand she's afraid, but she CAN'T let that destroy what we have. I won't let it happen. I just need to make her see that it's not scary for her to be in love with me and that everything will be OK, if she just relaxes and lets go. She's high strung so she has trouble doing that. ARRRRRRG. I just need to her to see how perfect we are for each other. This is a once in a lifetime thing, what we have. No way can she just throw that away because she's scared.

 

How can I ease her fears so she wants to stay with me?

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This is something she has to do on her own. You can't always fix her problems. Just let her take a break. It's only been a 5 month relationship. to tell you the truth, I can almost guarantee it's not love. Just take some time off. If you keep bugging her, it'll push her away

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ncluding something that was almost rape,

 

This stuck out to me. You didn't do anything wrong. I can tell that you blame yourself, because you strongly emphasize that you treat her perfectly. My philosophy is to never date a girl who has been raped, abused, pregnant, or married in the past. It tends to not work out a lot of the time. Harsh, but I learned it the hard way. Anyway, that doesn't really help you at all.

 

I can only guess as to why she is doing this. Maybe because of her turbulent past, but I don't think so. If that were the case, why would she spend 5 months with you, exchange the L word, even confront the topic of sex, only to feel scared 5 months down the road? I think it's something different.

Maybe she is just scared, and needs some time to be alone to realize how much she misses you in that time, which is a hopeful idea to cling to. There could also be another guy in the picture, and like most women, would rather take a "break" to investigate it rather than be upfront.

 

You don't know, and certainly no one on here will know why she is doing what she's doing. Let me ask you this instead. Why are you torturing yourself? Why do you call her and try to erase everything with promises and flowers and sleeping outside her house? Those are bandaid solutions for her internal problems. She has to fix them on her own, without your help. The more you push the relationship on her, the more she will back up. Torturing yourself with the "how" and "why" of this will kill you!!!! I've been through that sh** storm more than once. You now have no way of knowing what she is doing. Worry about YOU now. Don't push her memory out of your life, but DON'T contact her. There's nothing you can do for her. Instead, just be patient. Keep yourself busy. She will contact you, with whatever decision she makes. Only then will you understand. There may yet be hope my friend. Cling to that hope until you know for sure.

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My GF and I have been together for almost 5 months. She is the GIRL OF MY DREAMS in every possible way. We fit together perfectly, she's everything I've been looking for. I am so in love with her it hurts. When I think about ever losing her, I start shaking cause it scares me so bad.

 

you're putting her on a pedestal. Thats unatractive. You're easy for her, which is boring.

 

Everything was going really well (I thought) until a few days ago. I pride myself in treating a woman well, and I've been the perfect boyfriend to her... paying for meals, always letting her know how beautiful she is, getting her little gifts just because. Seriously I have done NOTHING wrong as a boyfriend, I'm always there for her, and we haven't even had sex yet because I'm respecting her wish to wait! It's hard to do, but that's how much I love her.

 

You're being really easy here. Total doormat. Also untractive.

 

I should also mention, I KNOW she loves me back. When I say "I love you" she says it right back. She said she's never felt this way about someone before.

 

Words don't mean a lot. Actions do.

 

Ummm anyway. Flashforward to a few days ago. I was going to drive up to visit her for a 3 days (we live an hr. and a half away) and out of the blue she drops this bomb. She says she's "confused" and isn't sure how she's feeling... and that she wants a "break." UMMM excuse me?

 

You're being excessivly clingly, while at the same time not a challenge, and generally a doormat. You're boring her and the relationship isn't exciting. She's going to break up with you.

 

I know exactly what's going on. She's scared because the love is so intense. She even said that to me once - that she's never had someone love her this much and it scares her. And now she's running from it because she's afraid of being in love. She's had a lot of bad relationship experiences, including something that was almost rape, so i know she has trouble getting close to people, and will run away instead of letting go and opening up. So right now, I know she's in love with me like I am with her - but her intimacy issues are making her want to flee instead of continue our relationship.

 

Anyway. We got in a fight on the phone, it was pretty late at night, but I decided to drive up and just sleep outside her place in my car, so I could see her in the morning. I sent her a text message saying to call me when she woke up.

 

In the morning, I surprised her at her door with some flowers, and said I was sorry for fighting and was 100% willing to forget all the stuff she said last night, and keep moving forward with our relationship. But when I tried to kiss her, she refused, and said she really needed "a break to think things through." I asked her what she needed to think through, and she said she wasn't sure she liked me romantically! She said she thought of me as a best friend but not really as a boyfriend, and it was stressing her out. Well I told her that was BS because through her words and actions, she clearly has feelings for me. It's obvious, she's just in denial because she's afraid to get close to someone. It ended with both of us in tears and she said to just give her some space for a week.

 

Today she didn't answer any of my calls or text messages and I'm mad beyond belief.... I can't believe she would throw away such an amazing relationship. I know we're not broken up yet but I feel like she might end things soon. Which TERRIFIES me so bad. I understand she's afraid, but she CAN'T let that destroy what we have. I won't let it happen. I just need to make her see that it's not scary for her to be in love with me and that everything will be OK, if she just relaxes and lets go. She's high strung so she has trouble doing that. ARRRRRRG. I just need to her to see how perfect we are for each other. This is a once in a lifetime thing, what we have. No way can she just throw that away because she's scared.

 

How can I ease her fears so she wants to stay with me?

 

You've entirely misread the situation. You are now in the "friend zone" for lack of a better term because you were easy and boring. Women admire gentleman but they sleep with cads, because being "nice" is boring and unatractive.

 

You're also extremly clingly and acting rather weak. You don't stand up for yourself and don't drive for the things you want. Had you described this situation to me a few weeks ago when things were fine and dandy I would have told you she'd break up with you soon.

 

If you want this relationship, then you need to change your behavior pattern. make it clear that you are as worth winning for her as she is for you. Don't be a doormat. Don't put her on some pedastal up on mount olpympus. You may feel like she's a goddess but she sure don't and treating her like one will drive her away from you.

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Hey tommy - and welcome on here.

 

You have come to the right place because lots of people on here have been through what you are experiencing.

 

You won't like to hear this but break virtually always = break up.

 

Those words - I am confused, I don't know what I want, it's me - not you, I love you but I am not in love with you - BS. This all means the same thing - they don't want to be with you - for whatever reason. She may have met someone else, she may dislike a certain trait in you, she may want to be alone - who knows - even they sometimes don't know. It is as confusing as hell and it hurts like hell.

 

So - what can you do? In a nutshell - nothing. You need to leave her alone - that is what she has asked for. You cannot make somone love you - you cannot ease her fears. Stop driving up and sleeping outside her house - you will be seen as a stalker.

 

It sounds like this relationship was imbalanced and that you invested heavily in this girl - to the point where you possibly relied on this girl for your happiness. This isn't healthy - you need to be able to make yourself happy first - and anything else will add to your happiness.

 

As I say - you cannot make someone love you - they are either in or they are out, and it sounds like she is out fella. As hard as it may seem - step right back from this. Go away and start to accept that this is over. Don't contact her because that will harm your healing. Keep yourself really busy - lean on your friends and family and come back hear when you feel down.

 

Have a look at some of the other posts on here - you will se that you are not alone. You will read stories of people who have beeen in a much worse position than yourself who have gotten through a bad break up. They got through it and so will you - but it will take some time.

 

Take care fella - it will soon get better.

 

Mark

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This sounds a lot like the situation I had with my (now ex) boyfriend. Let me offer you a different perspective -- one that may be what your girlfriend is experiencing.

 

My boyfriend was deeply in love with me. He thought we were "perfect for each other" and told me this often, and thought we had a storybook romance. Like you, he treated me like a queen, told me I was beautiful, was generally a perfect boyfriend.

 

However, I could never feel that spark with him. I loved him in the platonic sense, but not more than that. It took me about four months to gather the courage and self-awareness to tell him how I was feeling. Up until that point, I was so flattered to be loved that much, and I mistook it for love of my OWN for a while. But I later realized that was a very selfish thing -- to be in a relationship for the ego boost, and not because I truly loved the other person -- and ended things.

 

He was shocked, and told me I was in denial and afraid of being in love (sound familiar?). I understand why he'd think that, because until that point, I didn't give him any red flags about my feelings. From his view, we did have a perfect relationship. But in reality, I was in silent turmoil, stressing about why I didn't feel more passionately about him.

 

I have to wonder, if you take your blinders of love/infatuation off, if maybe your girlfriend HAS given you warning signs. Sure, it's possible she does have intimacy issues and runs when things get too intense. But it's also possible -- very possible -- she's telling you the truth. I know because I've been in her shoes.

 

Some questions to consider:

 

Does she say "I love you" on her own, or only after you've said it?

 

I know you two haven't had sex, but how are other things in terms of affection and physical intimacy? Does she seem to be attracted to you, or do you do most of the initiating?

 

In the past, did she seem to prioritize you in her life? Or did she continually make other plans instead of seeing you, or cut dates short, etc. (I ask because my boyfriend always wanted to spend more time with me than I did with him)

 

Did she care when you went out with female friends, or when you got a call from a female, etc.?

 

Did you two ever have arguments (beside the one a few nights ago)? If so, what were they about?

 

Has she had other relationships after the rape experience that she DIDN'T run from?

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Sorry but I'm afraid that it's you that's wrong. I've been in your position and I've only realised quite recently how bad it is. I'm afraid that love stories and romantic love songs like "I can't live without you", etc, etc are a load of trash when it comes to the real world. You don't love your girlfriend but are obsessed with her. The chances are, you're just worshipping an image you have of her, which isn't.

 

This may sound harsh but I've been there and designed the T-shirt on this one.

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the long and short of this is that you can never know how ANYONE feels except yourself.

you cannot change someones mind or make them come round to your way of thinking.

 

you really want to show her how much you love her and respect her feelings and wishes?

she's asked you for space - give it to her.

 

i have walked your mile, my friend and the chase is futile. it led me to heartbreak time after time.

we all want to wave a magic wand when things like this happens, but that's just not reality.

i have written so many 'perfect' letters, so many poems, made so many 'perfect' cd mixes that i know would win her back. she's never got a single one of them.

what i think i'm trying to say,like many of the others here, is

actions speak louder than words.

 

if she comes back or not, do you want her lasting memory of you to be the 'perfect' man that respected her wishes or the guy that begged and pleaded despite her request for space?

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Thank you everybody for the responses. I've been a mess today, I'm so scared to lose her. I know those of you who said to give her space, are right...it just scares me so much. Like if I stop talking to her she'll just forget about me or something, or think I don't care. This is hard! I'll try to address some of the questions now.

 

Maybe she is just scared, and needs some time to be alone to realize how much she misses you in that time, which is a hopeful idea to cling to. There could also be another guy in the picture, and like most women, would rather take a "break" to investigate it rather than be upfront.

 

You know that thought crossed my mind, about another guy, but she is NOT the kind of person who would do that. She is completely loyal, as am I. I even asked some of our mutual friends who live in her city (since I'm far away) if they've seen her with any other guys, they always say no. She is a very busy girl, though, and has a lot of activities, so maybe there could be a guy she sees by accident. Oh man, if that's the case...I WILL KILL HIM

 

Thank you for the rest of your post too, a lot of good advice. I am definitely clinging to that hope.

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You're also extremly clingly and acting rather weak. You don't stand up for yourself and don't drive for the things you want.

 

OK, maybe I am this way sometimes, but I've definitely put my foot down with her. But, a few weeks ago for example, I drove drove up to see her for the first time in 2 weeks (she was out of town). Of course I wanted to spend time alone with her, but then her friends called and wanted to hang out with us....so she let them. She has a problem saying "no" to people, so I called her out on it, and told her she should grow a spine and tell them "no" for once, since they get to see her ALL THE TIME and I don't get to see her very often because of the distance. I wasn't being a jerk or anything, but I was definitely firm with her, not weak.

 

If you want this relationship, then you need to change your behavior pattern. make it clear that you are as worth winning for her as she is for you. Don't be a doormat. Don't put her on some pedastal up on mount olpympus. You may feel like she's a goddess but she sure don't and treating her like one will drive her away from you.

 

Thanks man. Harsh but you're probably right. How do I prove I'm worth winning for her? How do I get her off the pedestal? She is seriously so amazing, beautiful, incredibly smart...she IS a goddess to me...I guess I should just not remind her of it, huh?

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Anyway. We got in a fight on the phone, it was pretty late at night, but I decided to drive up and just sleep outside her place in my car, so I could see her in the morning. I sent her a text message saying to call me when she woke up.

 

This sort of thing if overdone can be construed by her as harassment. No means no, and that also means if she says she needs a break that you have to honor it. I know you are hurt, but driving up like that and sleeping in her driveway might really creep her out.

 

You have to give her space if she asks for it. Relationships are entered and exited upon free will, and even tho you think you two were perfect, if she says she needs time away and space you MUST honor it lest you get yourself into a lot of trouble.

 

Tommyknocker I must say even the title of tihs post is indicative of your mindset right now. you are totally not realizing that maybe you don't know what is going on in her head and that YOU know what is best for her. We can't do that, it is dangerous territory. She might not feel she is wrong even tho you think she is.

 

I think you might think you know how she feels and why she wants a break but i get a real vibe that you may not really know what is going on in her head. You need to give her distance right now.

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Thank you for sharing your experience Jujube...but I really do think my GF has feelings for me and is just scared. We are perfect for each other IN EVERY WAY, and everyone who knows us agrees with that, and says how we're an amazing couple. But, here are the answers to your questions.

 

Some questions to consider:

 

Does she say "I love you" on her own, or only after you've said it?

 

Well it's usually after I say it, but I know that's because she's just not very emotionally expressive. She has trouble saying her emotions. Plus, she's gotten hurt in the past so it probably made her afraid to say it without someone else saying it first.

 

I know you two haven't had sex, but how are other things in terms of affection and physical intimacy? Does she seem to be attracted to you, or do you do most of the initiating?

 

She goes down on me EVERY time I ask for it, so I know she's into me physically. She doesn't let me go down on her though, I think because of her bad experiences in the past. I guess it's usually me initiating or asking for something, but she seems to be really into it. And sometimes she'll wake up really turned on, and practically pounce on me.

 

In the past, did she seem to prioritize you in her life? Or did she continually make other plans instead of seeing you, or cut dates short, etc. (I ask because my boyfriend always wanted to spend more time with me than I did with him)

 

Well...in the beginning of our relationship, we got a few fights because I felt like she didn't want to see me as much as I wanted to see her. She'd want me to go home after just a few days of staying with her (we don't see each other that often) and I'd get upset. BUT we talked about it, and she's just the kind of person who needs lots of time alone. She's that way with EVERYBODY. She's also in lots of clubs and does volunteer work, so sometimes it happens that we can't be alone for very long when I go to see her, but it's not like she does it on purpose.

 

Did she care when you went out with female friends, or when you got a call from a female, etc.?

 

Not at all, but that's just her personality. She's not the jealous/possessive type.

 

Did you two ever have arguments (beside the one a few nights ago)? If so, what were they about?

 

Mostly about her needing time alone when I wanted to see her (it's because she's a major introvert). And sometimes I'd do something dumb, like get mad because I wanted to fool around but she was tired or not feeling well - I stopped doing that kind of thing a long time ago though.

 

Has she had other relationships after the rape experience that she DIDN'T run from?

 

Yeah, but she wasn't IN LOVE with those people like I believe she is with me, so she had no reason to be afraid.

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I'm sorry if this is going to come accross as being a jerk, but...

 

You are in denial.

 

You're afraid of losing her and you are rationalizing all of the advice you are getting to support your own misguided views on the situation.

 

Does she say "I love you" on her own, or only after you've said it?

Well it's usually after I say it, but I know that's because she's just not very emotionally expressive. She has trouble saying her emotions. Plus, she's gotten hurt in the past so it probably made her afraid to say it without someone else saying it first.

 

You know that is the reason she doesn't say it first? Why would she say it at all? If she is comfortable enough to tell you that she loves you, then at some point in the relationship I think it's reasonable to assume she might express that feeling without being prompted.

 

 

Does she seem to be attracted to you, or do you do most of the initiating?

She goes down on me EVERY time I ask for it, so I know she's into me physically

If you are asking, then you are initiating. Furthermore, just because she obliges your request and doesn't recoil from your advances does NOT mean she is into you physically.

 

Did she care when you went out with female friends, or when you got a call from a female, etc.?

Not at all, but that's just her personality. She's not the jealous/possessive type

Or maybe she just didn't care...?

 

In the past, did she seem to prioritize you in her life? Or did she continually make other plans instead of seeing you, or cut dates short, etc. (I ask because my boyfriend always wanted to spend more time with me than I did with him)

Well...in the beginning of our relationship, we got a few fights because I felt like she didn't want to see me as much as I wanted to see her.

I think this is self explainitory...

 

"...it's because she's a major introvert."

"...she's just the kind of person who needs lots of time alone."

"She's also in lots of clubs and does volunteer work..."

I'm confused. How is she in lots of clubs and does volunteer work, but she is also introverted and needs lots of time alone?

 

 

Has she had other relationships after the rape experience that she DIDN'T run from?

Yeah, but she wasn't IN LOVE with those people like I believe she is with me, so she had no reason to be afraid.

Okay, I am going to indulge your logic here. If she was not in love with those people from previous relationships and had no reason to be afraid with them, then why did those past relationships end?

 

 

 

You need to give her the space she wants. I know it's going to be hard, but it's the right thing to do. Take solace in the thought that by giving her space you are showing that you care about her.

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Thanks man. Harsh but you're probably right. How do I prove I'm worth winning for her? How do I get her off the pedestal? She is seriously so amazing, beautiful, incredibly smart...she IS a goddess to me...I guess I should just not remind her of it, huh?

 

Firstly, you need to limit the compliments. Getting showered with compliments means after a while they don't mean anything. Use them in moderation.

 

Act like you're worth winning. If she doesn't have to spend any effort to spend time with you then its like saying you have no value.

 

Today she didn't answer any of my calls or text messages and I'm mad beyond belief.... I can't believe she would throw away such an amazing relationship. I know we're not broken up yet but I feel like she might end things soon. Which TERRIFIES me so bad. I understand she's afraid, but she CAN'T let that destroy what we have. I won't let it happen. I just need to make her see that it's not scary for her to be in love with me and that everything will be OK, if she just relaxes and lets go. She's high strung so she has trouble doing that. ARRRRRRG. I just need to her to see how perfect we are for each other. This is a once in a lifetime thing, what we have. No way can she just throw that away because she's scared.

 

Reread this paragraph as if someone else wrote it.

 

Lesson 1: Obviously it isn't amazing for her since she's losing interest. A more accurate description is that there's no spice, no challenge, and the relationship is boring.

Lesson 2: Losing her is evoking extreme emotional response, which is a pretty clear sign you were way too invested in this girl for the amount of commitment you've gotten from her.

Lesson 3: You're assigning what you think she's feeling. Have you asked her how she really feels about things? I can bet you she probably feels suffocated and bored.

 

You basically need to let go some, invest less of yourself into this until you've got more of a real commitment from her. Be more easy going and less lovestruck.

 

No matter what happens, if she's lost interest its over. Let it go and move on. When she realizes that losing her didn't destroy you, she might start to miss some of what you had to offer, but wait for her to come back. And if she does, stop being so clingy and obsessive.

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Am I the only one here that thinks that driving to your girlfriends house and sleeping in your car outside her house is a bit... wrong?

 

Alarm bells were dinging like crazy as I read your post!

 

You need to give this girl some space and I believe you may be looking at this person as a means to "complete" you some how. You are being totally unfair and need to get over all that.

 

Give her some space and if she comes back to you after figuring things out for herself than goodO for you. If she doesn't then just leave her alone and move on.

 

How old are you?

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Am I the only one here that thinks that driving to your girlfriends house and sleeping in your car outside her house is a bit... wrong?

 

 

Yes and said the same thing. It can be construed as stalking or at a minimum harassment to do this when asked to be left alone.

 

 

We have no choice but to leave people alone when asked. If not we can get ourselves into a lot of trouble.

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You know what... I have more to say...

 

Even your thread title erks me "how do I make her realize she is WRONG?"

 

How dare you presume to make anyone 'realize' that their feelings are wrong. You have no right to force what you feel and what you think someone else should feel on someone else. I do not believe you love this girl I believe you have a dependence issue and are bordering on obsessive.

 

Just leave her be for a while and you sort out things for yourself too. If you lose this girl and your world comes crashing down then you need to assess you own mental state and learn to function in the world without a partner. If you cant then you aren't ready for any relationship let alone with this girl.

 

I'm sorry if thats a bit harsh...

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Just leave her be for a while and you sort out things for yourself too. If you lose this girl and your world comes crashing down then you need to assess you own mental state and learn to function in the world without a partner. If you cant then you aren't ready for any relationship let alone with this girl.

 

 

I really think you are spot on here.

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Am I the only one here that thinks that driving to your girlfriends house and sleeping in your car outside her house is a bit... wrong?

 

Alarm bells were dinging like crazy as I read your post!

 

You need to give this girl some space and I believe you may be looking at this person as a means to "complete" you some how. You are being totally unfair and need to get over all that.

 

Give her some space and if she comes back to you after figuring things out for herself than goodO for you. If she doesn't then just leave her alone and move on.

 

How old are you?

 

its not wrong if he can't afford a hotel and she wanted him to come visit but he can't stay inside (say she lives with her parents). but it is kinda silly and is a symptom of the real problem, which is that he's overly invested in the relationship beyond the point of reason. which is going to be unattractive to most women.

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its not wrong if he can't afford a hotel and she wanted him to come visit but he can't stay inside (say she lives with her parents).

 

He could have waited until the morning and driven to her house. No? Got up nice and early after a good night sleep and been there in the early morning to talk to her...

 

Driving to someones house (an hour or so away) late at night in an emotional state, knowing you cant go in (or wont even see the person that night), and sleeping in your car outside their house in your car... is not sane. There is seriously something wrong with that.

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He could have waited until the morning and driven to her house. No? Got up nice and early after a good night sleep and been there in the early morning to talk to her...

 

Driving to someones house (an hour or so away) late at night in an emotional state, knowing you cant go in (or wont even see the person that night), and sleeping in your car outside their house in your car... is not sane. There is seriously something wrong with that.

 

Would def have to agree with this one

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