Lack of self-love?

Timebandit · 09-16-2007, 09:35 AM

How would your life change if you could accept yourself unconditionally?

I have been thinking a lot about the topic of self-love (or self-acceptance if you will) for some time. And I am really starting to wonder, how many of our problems comes from lack of self-love. By self-love I mean that we are able to accept ourselves just as we are.

Why is it that we need to seek other peoples approval, recognition and love? I strongly believe that its because we are not able to unconditionally accept ourselves. So when someone praises us, we are actually able to love ourselves for a brief period of time. It seems to me like a paradox, that we so often rely on other peoples validation, in order for us to approve of ourselves. If we really loved ourselves, our approval-seeking beahviour would just stop.

The effects of lack of self-love are terrible. We end up punishing ourselves for our mistakes and faults, let people trample on us or even abuse us. If someone rejects us, we feel worthless and humiliated. Or if we feel bad enough about ourselves, we even reject ourselves, by not allowing other people to come close to us, and stop expecting to have our legitimate needs met.

Maybe we are really looking for love in all the wrong places.... or maybe I am just rambling again

Your thoughts?

Lana0120 · 09-16-2007, 09:54 AM

You aren't rambling at all. What you said made a great deal of sense. I guess the answer is working on the unconditional love, but how to work on that successfully is another question altogether...

ProtestTheHero · 09-16-2007, 10:16 AM

I don't think it's possible to unconditionally love yourself or think of yourself as "great" without the approval of others. I think that those that can feel that way intentionally delude themselves because it makes life a hell of a lot easier.

The fact is in almost every other aspect we are judged by how "good" we are, whether that be in the context of a job or hobby. Through our actions and other qualities people are able to tell us how "good" we are our how much we suck. These opinions matter more to me because the self is biased and unreliable. Would you keep going to a hairstylist who sucked at cutting hair just because they accepted their mediocrity at it and had a lot of self confidence?

If I could love myself unconditionally, my life would drastically improve. I'd be more confident in anything romantic and sexual, as well as being an overall emotionally stable person. The problem is I can't trick myself into unconditionally loving myself. Go figure.

I think 99% of the problems we face derive from not being able to love ourselves. We object to what we ourselves can not obtain, and fight against others who can achieve what we can't. If we loved ourselves for who we were instead of who we wished we were, those kinds of problems would not exist.

The problem is it's extremely idealistic and not very plausible, at least to me. I always said that people are the worst medium for carrying out ideals.

Papillion · 09-16-2007, 10:31 AM

very interesting question, and i think you've made a good point.

but we are by nature programmed to seek approval and acceptance and therefore love from others. without that, there are no relationships, be it lovers, family, colleagues, friends etc.

to some extent, we have to please others otherwise we become self-serving, self-centred, and anti-social.

if i do something that angers or disappoints someone, then providing i care about that person it will bother me and i will examine what i've done and decide whether i need to make ammends and apologise.

but i do agree with the crux of what you're saying. right now i despise myself, and its causing me no end of problems

mademoiselle · 09-16-2007, 10:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lana0120

You aren't rambling at all. What you said made a great deal of sense. I guess the answer is working on the unconditional love, but how to work on that successfully is another question altogether...

I guess you have to just keep reminding yourself of all your good points, and remember that eveyrone else isn't perfect either. Learning to accept things that you don't like about yourself is another thing and I guess that just comes with time. Support from the ENA community also helps

itsallgrand · 09-16-2007, 11:06 AM

I think this is true. And for those of us who didn't ever learn how to love ourselves properly, a very important lesson to having a happy and balanced life.

If I ever have kids, this is going to be a priority of what I'd want to teach them.

It isn't a magic pill or anything, and doesn't stop us from wanting company sometimes and loving other people and liking having other people love us. Nothing as extreme as that.
We are social creatures; maybe that's why it is so important for us to love ourselves first. Because the social drives are so strong and important to us.

To me, in my personal life, it's been about learning about my own strength. Power.
I am not helpless to the whims, moods, events, decisions of others.
I am the single most powerful driving force in how I will be.

I don't know how total self acceptance look like yet. I imagine it will unlock even more of the powerhouse that is me. Free to be me. lol.

Papillion · 09-16-2007, 11:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by itsallgrand

I am not helpless to the whims, moods, events, decisions of others.

but what about your OWN whims, moods, events and decisions? sometimes, we are our own worst enemies...

itsallgrand · 09-16-2007, 11:15 AM

Ha! Ain't that the truth.

It has gotten a lot better for me, as I have worked on paying attention to my own needs feelings desires as much (if not more) than other people.

I consider that compassionate attention to oneself, and giving ourselves realistic breaks too from obsurd expectionations, a form of self love.

Do unto others as you wish to do unto yourself.

Papillion · 09-16-2007, 11:23 AM

you're right, and i agree. make sure your own oxygen mask is fitted correctly before helping others to fit theirs.

i spent too long putting "someone's" needs before my own.

the only people who's needs come before mine are my 2 kids. repeat the mantra papillion.

Pocket Rocket · 09-16-2007, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by itsallgrand

If I ever have kids, this is going to be a priority of what I'd want to teach them.

Same here, trust me when I say I'll be the crazy mom with enough parenting books to fill a library lol

I need to learn how to love myself more, but I keep putting any exercises and self help strategies on hold all the time. I think self love is one of the most important things in anyone's life, almost on par with health. Too often I've seen friends (or even myself) settling for relationships and situations they're not happy with just because they don't think they can do (or deserve) any better. I'm not saying this is the case with everyone but you can either be your own best friend or your own worst enemy, and I think I know which one most people would want to choose.

09-16-2007, 09:35 AM	#1
Timebandit Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Gender: Male Age: 36 Posts: 1,120	Lack of self-love? How would your life change if you could accept yourself unconditionally? I have been thinking a lot about the topic of self-love (or self-acceptance if you will) for some time. And I am really starting to wonder, how many of our problems comes from lack of self-love. By self-love I mean that we are able to accept ourselves just as we are. Why is it that we need to seek other peoples approval, recognition and love? I strongly believe that its because we are not able to unconditionally accept ourselves. So when someone praises us, we are actually able to love ourselves for a brief period of time. It seems to me like a paradox, that we so often rely on other peoples validation, in order for us to approve of ourselves. If we really loved ourselves, our approval-seeking beahviour would just stop. The effects of lack of self-love are terrible. We end up punishing ourselves for our mistakes and faults, let people trample on us or even abuse us. If someone rejects us, we feel worthless and humiliated. Or if we feel bad enough about ourselves, we even reject ourselves, by not allowing other people to come close to us, and stop expecting to have our legitimate needs met. Maybe we are really looking for love in all the wrong places.... or maybe I am just rambling again Your thoughts?

09-16-2007, 10:16 AM	#3
ProtestTheHero Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Gender: Male Age: 20 Posts: 1,680	I don't think it's possible to unconditionally love yourself or think of yourself as "great" without the approval of others. I think that those that can feel that way intentionally delude themselves because it makes life a hell of a lot easier. The fact is in almost every other aspect we are judged by how "good" we are, whether that be in the context of a job or hobby. Through our actions and other qualities people are able to tell us how "good" we are our how much we suck. These opinions matter more to me because the self is biased and unreliable. Would you keep going to a hairstylist who sucked at cutting hair just because they accepted their mediocrity at it and had a lot of self confidence? If I could love myself unconditionally, my life would drastically improve. I'd be more confident in anything romantic and sexual, as well as being an overall emotionally stable person. The problem is I can't trick myself into unconditionally loving myself. Go figure. I think 99% of the problems we face derive from not being able to love ourselves. We object to what we ourselves can not obtain, and fight against others who can achieve what we can't. If we loved ourselves for who we were instead of who we wished we were, those kinds of problems would not exist. The problem is it's extremely idealistic and not very plausible, at least to me. I always said that people are the worst medium for carrying out ideals. __________________ So long, we wish you well. You told us how you weren't afraid to die. Well then, so long. Don't cry or feel too down. Not all martyrs see divinity, but at least you tried.

09-16-2007, 10:31 AM	#4
Papillion Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: London, UK Gender: Male Age: 41 Posts: 844	very interesting question, and i think you've made a good point. but we are by nature programmed to seek approval and acceptance and therefore love from others. without that, there are no relationships, be it lovers, family, colleagues, friends etc. to some extent, we have to please others otherwise we become self-serving, self-centred, and anti-social. if i do something that angers or disappoints someone, then providing i care about that person it will bother me and i will examine what i've done and decide whether i need to make ammends and apologise. but i do agree with the crux of what you're saying. right now i despise myself, and its causing me no end of problems __________________ - Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths, Enwrought with golden and silver light, The blue and the dim and the dark cloths of night and light and the half light, I would spread the cloths under your feet: But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

09-16-2007, 11:06 AM	#6
itsallgrand Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: following my grace... Gender: None Specified Posts: 6,783	I think this is true. And for those of us who didn't ever learn how to love ourselves properly, a very important lesson to having a happy and balanced life. If I ever have kids, this is going to be a priority of what I'd want to teach them. It isn't a magic pill or anything, and doesn't stop us from wanting company sometimes and loving other people and liking having other people love us. Nothing as extreme as that. We are social creatures; maybe that's why it is so important for us to love ourselves first. Because the social drives are so strong and important to us. To me, in my personal life, it's been about learning about my own strength. Power. I am not helpless to the whims, moods, events, decisions of others. I am the single most powerful driving force in how I will be. I don't know how total self acceptance look like yet. I imagine it will unlock even more of the powerhouse that is me. Free to be me. lol. __________________ "The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off." Mal Pancoast

09-16-2007, 11:15 AM	#8
itsallgrand Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: following my grace... Gender: None Specified Posts: 6,783	Ha! Ain't that the truth. It has gotten a lot better for me, as I have worked on paying attention to my own needs feelings desires as much (if not more) than other people. I consider that compassionate attention to oneself, and giving ourselves realistic breaks too from obsurd expectionations, a form of self love. Do unto others as you wish to do unto yourself. __________________ "The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off." Mal Pancoast

09-16-2007, 09:54 AM	#2
Lana0120 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 3,465	You aren't rambling at all. What you said made a great deal of sense. I guess the answer is working on the unconditional love, but how to work on that successfully is another question altogether...

09-16-2007, 11:23 AM	#9
Papillion Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: London, UK Gender: Male Age: 41 Posts: 844	you're right, and i agree. make sure your own oxygen mask is fitted correctly before helping others to fit theirs. i spent too long putting "someone's" needs before my own. the only people who's needs come before mine are my 2 kids. repeat the mantra papillion. __________________ - Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths, Enwrought with golden and silver light, The blue and the dim and the dark cloths of night and light and the half light, I would spread the cloths under your feet: But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.