Are his preteen fantasies normal or is he a potential pedophile?

[SpaceCadet]

I am in a personal struggle with some problems with my partner. He is an alcoholic and I think he might be a pedophile. I struggled with the alcoholism and tried to get him to go to AA, but now I've found a group (Al Anon) that I'm going to to try to figure things out. It is the pedophile issue that I'm having the greatest struggle with. I've been dating a 42 year old man for 2 years now (I'm 32). Within 6 months of our relationship he began to role play with me as if I was a teenage school girl. At first this freaked me out but I played along because it was the only type of role playing that got him excited. About a year into the relationship, I was on his computer and noticed that he was visiting sites of teen and preteen girls (I also saw his search terms to get to these sites and he is specifically seeking teen/preteen girls). I angrily approached him about this as I found it repulsive. At first he denied doing it but then claimed the sites have the "over 18" statement, but I know the sites are of underage girls and moreso, preteen girls. He claims that it's just fantasy and he would never pursue engaging in sex with a preteen. He says he fantasizes about teenagers because that's the age he lost his virginity. Well he has started to role play with me as if I was his little 8 year old or 11 year old girl and I'm really nervous about it. He likes incest (father/daughter, brother/sister, uncle/niece) and teacher/student role playing. I keep asking him about it and he continues to say it's just fantasy. I am having trouble with it because I don't think it's right. I'm confused because I play along with it. It's really the only thing that can get him excited (yes it's limp otherwise!). Is his attraction to little girls normal (he says it is)? Does the average man fantasize like this but would never act upon it (he says a lot of guys fantasize like this)? Is he a pedophile or is this just normal lust? Can fantasies remain fantasies? Is there a chance that he would act on it? Am I crazy for continuing this relationship? These issues are consuming me and I am very much in distress over it. Any thoughts from anyone would be greatly appreciated. It would be awesome if you could distinguish whether you are a male or female responding. Thanks!

[Lana0120]

I'm a girl. I would say that interest in young girls is normal, but the interest in pre-teen girls and the fantasies that he wants to act out with you aren't normal. Some of what you have described is SICK. Sure, fantasies can often remain that - fantasies. However, I would just be disturbed by this.

[Dako]

Welcome to the forum and I'm sorry you're hurting.

Let's assume he's a latent paedophile, and resisting temptation by role-playing. It sounds like it's seriously affecting your relationship if he can't respond to his mature wife. I'm sure other members will address the ethical and legal drawbacks of his fetish, but you need to decide if you can go without real intimacy while he fantasizes about children.

I'm a man who finds no interest in immature girls.
Even the fake teen porn on the web is a turnoff.

Why do you stay with this man?

[itsallgrand]

I'm a female.

I don't know whether this man is a pedophile or not. I do find what you describe disturbing though.

I too am curious why you are with him?

You have said he is an alcoholic. It's hard to expect a sound mind when it is in a state of pickling to begin with.
And now you wonder whether he might honestly be an abuser. And there is a possibility that he may be; though all opinions here are speculation. Going off what you describe to us.

I don't feel comfortable with even reading about his activities and fantasies. I am 28. A full grown woman. It gives all sorts of confusing, upsetting, and strange feelings to even read about it.
To tell you the truth, if I knew that about a man, and even to be in a regular conversation with him: it would color and limit what I would share with him.
It is simply disturbing to me on many levels.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I know I would feel upset in your situation too, honestly.

To me, to even question and be upset worrying that a partner may be an abuser signals to me that the relationship is no longer to my benefit. And quite possibly, not to the other's benefit either.

This relationship may be doing you some harm; whether he is a full pedophile or not. That's what is important: is this working for YOU.

[fnlyfrei]

Yeeeah...um, this would utterly render ME frigid. Especially since I was molested myself as a young child. I guess from what I went through, I would not have put up with one session of this with him. I would worry seriously that at some point, his greatest fantasy would be to play this out for real...and hurt someone. He needs help, and fast.

[under_my_amberella]

Do you plan to have children? Do you or will you ever have children over to your home? And if so, how would you feel if you found out he had acted upon his fantasies with your child, neice, or family friend? Especially when you knew the signs were there... Please, don't even allow yourself to be in that situation. You deserve a man who finds you sexier than your friend's 10 year old daughter!

[jul-els]

I'm a male. Whether or not he is a pedophile I can't say for sure 100%, be he definitely has very strong leanings in that direction.

I think allowing yourself to be pulled into his fantasy world is highly detrimental to both of you.

I think the chances of his situation improving are slim to none at best.

I think the healthiest move you could make is to protect yourself by ending this relationship immediately and completely.

[Lana0120]

Originally Posted by hazey_amber

Do you plan to have children? Do you or will you ever have children over to your home? And if so, how would you feel if you found out he had acted upon his fantasies with your child, neice, or family friend? Especially when you knew the signs were there... Please, don't even allow yourself to be in that situation. You deserve a man who finds you sexier than your friend's 10 year old daughter!

I think this is a very good point. He may be able to stick with fantasies now, but if you do have children together or have children over, even if he doesn't act on those fantasies, you'll never be able to relax and trust him with the kids, will you?

[miracle29]

Originally Posted by itsallgrand

I'm a female.

I don't know whether this man is a pedophile or not. I do find what you describe disturbing though.

I too am curious why you are with him?

You have said he is an alcoholic. It's hard to expect a sound mind when it is in a state of pickling to begin with.
And now you wonder whether he might honestly be an abuser. And there is a possibility that he may be; though all opinions here are speculation. Going off what you describe to us.

I don't feel comfortable with even reading about his activities and fantasies. I am 28. A full grown woman. It gives all sorts of confusing, upsetting, and strange feelings to even read about it.
To tell you the truth, if I knew that about a man, and even to be in a regular conversation with him: it would color and limit what I would share with him.
It is simply disturbing to me on many levels.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I know I would feel upset in your situation too, honestly.

To me, to even question and be upset worrying that a partner may be an abuser signals to me that the relationship is no longer to my benefit. And quite possibly, not to the other's benefit either.

This relationship may be doing you some harm; whether he is a full pedophile or not. That's what is important: is this working for YOU.

\

We just had this LONG post that went on about 99 yrs recently about something almost exactly like this one.

I think that the first question you should be asking yourself is "Can i stay or do I really want to go". That question will help put all actions into place.
If you choose to leave him, you'll be better off.
If you choose to stay, I suggest Immediate counceling for BOTH of you. Because you are hurting and need some healing, and he may have an issue that needs professional hands on dealing with.

[cc2006]

Any fantasy, if it becomes obsession to the point where it consumes you and is required to enjoy yourself is a problem.

I've met people with your partner's fantasy, and I would never characterize any of them as a pedophile because it was "something fun to do once in a while" and their partner enjoyed (or at least humored) it as well. You aren't a pedophile unless you're touching minors ... dressing your partner up as one and touching them doesn't mean anything.

The problem arises a couple of different ways in your situation.
1.) You don't enjoy or want to enjoy it. -- Obviously, this is going to cause an issue for the relationship and his fetish. There is nothing wrong with you not enjoying it, either.

2.) You seem to feel that without this "fantasy" he cannot perform sexually. -- This is the big one to me. This could mean it is an unhealthy obsession that he needs to deal with in some way. (Therapy sounds lovely.)



I've known all kinds of people ... that liked all kinds of things sexually that would make other's cringe or just boggle at. As long as fantasy stays fantasy then there isn't a problem ... but ... moderation is key as well ... if it becomes an obsession to the point where he can't perform without out then that could be a warning sign it is out of hand.

I knew a woman that liked to roleplay that she was young ... does that mean she wants to be a pedophile, or wants to be with pedophiles? I think she just had some childhood hangup about sex ... probably needed therapy as well. lol .. but I never saw it as something was wrong with her. I figured it was no different than the woman who wants to dress up like a 'naughty nurse' or the guy who buys a police uniform because his wife likes it ... until it crosses that line and becomes required instead of just "something special to do on rainy Sundays."



Clarification: I am in no way saying he is a pedophile, overtly, covertly, or subconsciously ... I'm merely speaking on obsession and such.

I don't want to say "OMG he is a freak he will rape kids!!!!1111" when he could just be a perfectly normal guy that likes to fool around and roleplay with his partner in a costume.

I also don't want to say "Nah, this is perfectly normal, ignore it" and then find out he actually turns out to have a serious mental hangup and hurts someone either though.