Husband is a Porn Addict. Should I divorce

lynn123 · 09-05-2007, 01:32 PM

Hello all,
I need some advice. Eight months ago I found out that my husband has a porn addiction. I found that he posted sexual want ads on adultfriendfinder and lavalife. He posted his honeymoon picture on lavalife and wrote to four different women asking them if they would like to meet for sex. He was even doing this when I was pregnant with my daughter. Icky! I found all of this out by looking on his computer. He finally fessed up. As a way of placating me he went into a week porn addiction recovery program. $7,000. It seems that if you have money then you can call it an addiction. If no money, then you're just a creep. Additionally, I had him take a lie detector test to make sure that he did not ever meet any of these women. Thankfully he did not. He says that he has not done anything since then, and I believe him. But I am still so hurt and angry. I don't think I will ever be able to trust him again. I hate liars, and that is all he has done for the past seven years. I want a divorce, but I am hesitating since we have two children and they don't deserve to be harmed. I have asked him to move out, but he doesn't. I think he feels that it will just blow over. What do you guys think? What would you do?

tylercdurden2004 · 09-05-2007, 01:38 PM

It goes beyond porn I think if he is seeking real life experiences.

What do you feel about that?

Dako · 09-05-2007, 01:43 PM

Staying together for the children just puts the tension in their home.

cristalgold · 09-05-2007, 01:44 PM

I agree with tyler as well. The fact that he sought out women for actual physical encounters took it beyond porn. He clearly intended to cheat.

Beec · 09-05-2007, 01:45 PM

You seem like you are bringing in a lot more to this than jsut him having a porn problem. You say all he has done for seven years is lie, but the only things you mention occurred in the past year, and even for that, he did not act to meet anyone, but it was over the computer. I won't defend what he did, but I also do not get your statements.

In teh end, it is about trust. If you cannto or will not trust him again, then I think it is over. but if you won't or cannot, ask yourself why.

fnlyfrei · 09-05-2007, 01:51 PM

Staying together for the kids is far worse and hurtful than staying together and having them witness your fights, animosity and terrible example of how to get along. Kids do not miss a thing. Think of the time he is spending on the computer that he SHOULD be spending with THEM...I would ask him to entirely get rid of the computer....but even then, if the opportunity presents itself to cheat...he will...computer or no. You are probably better off on your own.

jul-els · 09-05-2007, 01:55 PM

His behavior is not something that all of a sudden just happens. He is showing the intent to cheat even though you haven't caught him outright yet.
Lie detectors aren't foolproof, they only measure how calm you are or not based on a pulse rate, they can't detect whether or not a person is lying.

He is hoping it will all blow over because he can't or isn't willing to change his proclivity to look outside of your relationship for sex.

I agree that keeping your children in an unhappy home enviroment is more damaging to them than having their parents separate.

Pieter · 09-06-2007, 07:52 AM

I would suggest that you leave him. Porn addiction is very serious - he will definitely cheat on you sometime during your marriage. You deserve better. Take the pain now. You will NEVER trust him again - how can you live with someone whom you will never trust? Yes people make mistakes, but sometimes, that mistake just continues and never goes away. Your fears and dreams are living in the same place. Get rid of the fear, get rid of him. Your children do not deserve to be associated with a porn addicted father.

beauty21 · 09-06-2007, 11:26 AM

Quote:

Staying together for the children just puts the tension in their home.

I agree with this.

Quote:

I have asked him to move out, but he doesn't.

Well, then why don't you move then? If you really want to get away from him, then by all means go ahead. But don't say that he won't move that's the reason you are still tolerating him. If you really wanted out, it can be done, there is always a way.

mjk217 · 09-06-2007, 04:13 PM

I'd like to thank my wife for showing me her post and the replys.

I'd have to agree with most of you that staying together just for the children is the wrong reason. The reason I want to stay with my wife is because I love HER.

While I admit that I wasn't open about my problem, I was so embarassed by my actions, that I truely blocked some of what I did out of my mind. Because of that, coming completely clean was very difficult for me. I would spend hours racking my brain trying to remember the horrible things I had done.

As my wife knows, my problem DOES goes deeper than porn addiction. I have always been very passive towards sex, and that issue has been a problem in our marriage. So, my escape from my problem of dealing with my passivity was to go to my computer where I couldn't be rejected. I knew it was the wrong thing to do, but I could not stop my actions, and I was acting like a child.

To reply to Tyler (and my wife), I never intended to meet anyone live. The ad posting was purely a game in my mind... could I get someone to reply? As I've told my wife, I did have one woman suggest a meeting, but I declined the invitation.

I went to a week of intensive therapy to learn about myself, and to take responsibility for what I did. I've done that, and I feel that for the past year, I've been a different person. Additionally, my wife helped me resolve a medical issue that impacted my sex drive. I wish that our relationship was at a level where I could show her that. Understandibly, she's been reluctant to have sex over the past couple of months because she hasn't felt like she can trust me. The hardest moment for me was when I went out of the country on business for two weeks and she didn't want to have sex before I left.

I've asked my wife several times to go to marriage counseling with me, but she refuses.

I've been honest with her over the past year. I don't take my computer out unless I have real WORK to do. I've made my computer available to her to check. I have nothing to hide, and I feel good that I can say that.

I wish beyond anything that I could roll back time and not do the things that I did. I can't say that I don't know why I did what I did because I learned a lot about myself and how I was raised that we could do anything and lie about anything. BUT I can say that I've learned that that's not the right way to be. That's not the person I want to be, and that's not the father I want to be. The person I've been for the last year is the person, husband, and father I'm proud to be.

I'm not perfect, and I do screw up, BUT I'm honest and porn free.

Thanks for letting me have my words.

To my wonderful wife, I love you and I wish we could make things work.

09-05-2007, 01:32 PM	#1
lynn123 Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 4	Husband is a Porn Addict. Should I divorce Hello all, I need some advice. Eight months ago I found out that my husband has a porn addiction. I found that he posted sexual want ads on adultfriendfinder and lavalife. He posted his honeymoon picture on lavalife and wrote to four different women asking them if they would like to meet for sex. He was even doing this when I was pregnant with my daughter. Icky! I found all of this out by looking on his computer. He finally fessed up. As a way of placating me he went into a week porn addiction recovery program. $7,000. It seems that if you have money then you can call it an addiction. If no money, then you're just a creep. Additionally, I had him take a lie detector test to make sure that he did not ever meet any of these women. Thankfully he did not. He says that he has not done anything since then, and I believe him. But I am still so hurt and angry. I don't think I will ever be able to trust him again. I hate liars, and that is all he has done for the past seven years. I want a divorce, but I am hesitating since we have two children and they don't deserve to be harmed. I have asked him to move out, but he doesn't. I think he feels that it will just blow over. What do you guys think? What would you do?

09-05-2007, 01:38 PM	#2
tylercdurden2004 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Middle East Gender: Male Age: 34 Posts: 3,652	It goes beyond porn I think if he is seeking real life experiences. What do you feel about that? __________________ "Depend Upon it, Sir, when a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully." - Samuel Johnson "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds" - Ralph Waldo Emerson Avatar: Whale Skin Hubcaps Dealer. Nice guys: www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=136757&highlight=horsey

09-05-2007, 01:43 PM	#3
Dako Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: SoCal Gender: Male Age: 57 Posts: 9,532	Staying together for the children just puts the tension in their home. __________________ << Vigilance.

09-05-2007, 01:44 PM	#4
cristalgold Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: your mom's Age: 30 Posts: 116	I agree with tyler as well. The fact that he sought out women for actual physical encounters took it beyond porn. He clearly intended to cheat. __________________ :^)

09-05-2007, 01:45 PM	#5
Beec Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: New York Posts: 7,537	You seem like you are bringing in a lot more to this than jsut him having a porn problem. You say all he has done for seven years is lie, but the only things you mention occurred in the past year, and even for that, he did not act to meet anyone, but it was over the computer. I won't defend what he did, but I also do not get your statements. In teh end, it is about trust. If you cannto or will not trust him again, then I think it is over. but if you won't or cannot, ask yourself why. __________________ "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained." C.S. Lewis--Answers to Questions on Christianity

09-05-2007, 01:51 PM	#6
fnlyfrei Offline Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Colorado Gender: Female Posts: 1,584	Staying together for the kids is far worse and hurtful than staying together and having them witness your fights, animosity and terrible example of how to get along. Kids do not miss a thing. Think of the time he is spending on the computer that he SHOULD be spending with THEM...I would ask him to entirely get rid of the computer....but even then, if the opportunity presents itself to cheat...he will...computer or no. You are probably better off on your own.

09-05-2007, 01:55 PM	#7
jul-els Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2007 Gender: None Specified Posts: 2,919	His behavior is not something that all of a sudden just happens. He is showing the intent to cheat even though you haven't caught him outright yet. Lie detectors aren't foolproof, they only measure how calm you are or not based on a pulse rate, they can't detect whether or not a person is lying. He is hoping it will all blow over because he can't or isn't willing to change his proclivity to look outside of your relationship for sex. I agree that keeping your children in an unhappy home enviroment is more damaging to them than having their parents separate.

09-06-2007, 07:52 AM	#8
Pieter Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 29	I would suggest that you leave him. Porn addiction is very serious - he will definitely cheat on you sometime during your marriage. You deserve better. Take the pain now. You will NEVER trust him again - how can you live with someone whom you will never trust? Yes people make mistakes, but sometimes, that mistake just continues and never goes away. Your fears and dreams are living in the same place. Get rid of the fear, get rid of him. Your children do not deserve to be associated with a porn addicted father.

09-06-2007, 04:13 PM	#10
mjk217 Offline Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 1	I'd like to thank my wife for showing me her post and the replys. I'd have to agree with most of you that staying together just for the children is the wrong reason. The reason I want to stay with my wife is because I love HER. While I admit that I wasn't open about my problem, I was so embarassed by my actions, that I truely blocked some of what I did out of my mind. Because of that, coming completely clean was very difficult for me. I would spend hours racking my brain trying to remember the horrible things I had done. As my wife knows, my problem DOES goes deeper than porn addiction. I have always been very passive towards sex, and that issue has been a problem in our marriage. So, my escape from my problem of dealing with my passivity was to go to my computer where I couldn't be rejected. I knew it was the wrong thing to do, but I could not stop my actions, and I was acting like a child. To reply to Tyler (and my wife), I never intended to meet anyone live. The ad posting was purely a game in my mind... could I get someone to reply? As I've told my wife, I did have one woman suggest a meeting, but I declined the invitation. I went to a week of intensive therapy to learn about myself, and to take responsibility for what I did. I've done that, and I feel that for the past year, I've been a different person. Additionally, my wife helped me resolve a medical issue that impacted my sex drive. I wish that our relationship was at a level where I could show her that. Understandibly, she's been reluctant to have sex over the past couple of months because she hasn't felt like she can trust me. The hardest moment for me was when I went out of the country on business for two weeks and she didn't want to have sex before I left. I've asked my wife several times to go to marriage counseling with me, but she refuses. I've been honest with her over the past year. I don't take my computer out unless I have real WORK to do. I've made my computer available to her to check. I have nothing to hide, and I feel good that I can say that. I wish beyond anything that I could roll back time and not do the things that I did. I can't say that I don't know why I did what I did because I learned a lot about myself and how I was raised that we could do anything and lie about anything. BUT I can say that I've learned that that's not the right way to be. That's not the person I want to be, and that's not the father I want to be. The person I've been for the last year is the person, husband, and father I'm proud to be. I'm not perfect, and I do screw up, BUT I'm honest and porn free. Thanks for letting me have my words. To my wonderful wife, I love you and I wish we could make things work.