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I pledge to propose to my ex-girlfriend...


vertigo911

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I was seeing my now ex-girlfriend for 6 years until she broke up with me this past April. After 6 years, she wanted to get engaged and I was hesitant. She finally got tired of waiting around for me.

 

I was hesitant because there were always things about her that bugged me and I thought perhaps she was not the one for me. However, now that she has been gone, I miss her so much. I'm a very picky, perfectionist, loner sort of person that isn't interested in a lot of friends. However, I'm realizing that this sort of lifestyle isn't very satisfying at all. I need to take the good with the bad and do a better job of accepting people.

 

I still intensely love her. Right now we are still friends and we see each other maybe once a month. I know she still loves me. However, she just can't bring herself to be my girlfriend again.

 

I finally signed up on link removed to try and meet some other people. However, after a month of it, it's not going very well. No one seems very interested in me and none of the girls I message are responding. My membership expires in 2 months and if it keeps going on like this, I won't renew my membership.

 

I just can't keep going on like this alone. I desperately want someone in my life. Tonight I made a pledge to God that if He doesn't give me some sign that there is something else out there for me, I'm going to propose to my ex-girlfriend. This post is basically physical evidence for that pledge.

 

I'll just have to see what happens. Everyone please hope the best for me.

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I hope the best for you, but "I desperately want someone in my life" is a lousy reason to propose. Look back at what you say are the "things about her that bugged me and I thought perhaps she was not the one for me."

 

If you can't honestly say that you desparately want HER in your life, do both of you a favor and let her go.

 

Zack.

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Yeah I agree with Zack, lack of reponses on Match and being desperate for someone in your life is not a good reason to propose.

 

The fact that you are even on Match tells me that you are in no way ready to propose to this girl.

 

I think you need to re-think where you are at with everything.

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The fact that you are even on Match tells me that you are in no way ready to propose to this girl.

 

But...if she can't bring herself to be his girlfriend again, at least he's trying to look elsewhere and move on.

 

However, as Zack said, you have to be sure you want this particular girl in your life for good, other than because "you need someone in your life." I'm sure you didn't mean it like this--probably a lot of thoughts just coming together at once--but you can't be like, I just want to settle down already, and I don't care who I settle down with. That isn't a reason to settle down at all.

 

I don't question your love for this girl at all. In fact, you're realizing how important she was to you. And, for some people, they only see this when the other person is already gone. It's too bad we can't see the importance of other people...before they leave.

 

I know this is cliche, but if you found someone that you can love and accept and be satisfied for the long haul, you can't let that go...or you should at least try to get it back.

 

Remember: nothing is meant to be until is has already happened. You can't say you two were meant to be and if she doens't want to come back, you can't blame yourself because for whatever reasons, it simply wasn't meant to be at the time. If you've seen the light and want to propose, then I say go for it and good luck.

 

If things don't work out to your liking, it will hurt badly, but at least you tried. If things do work out, make sure you can love her and accept her for who she is, and love her because of her flaws, not despite them--before you propose. Good luck!

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I'm trying to imagine how I would feel if my ex was shopping around on link removed and if things didn't pan out by his expiration date on the dating site he would propose to me.

 

Yep. Pretty awful.

 

I agree with Zack.

 

The only reason you should be proposing is because you adore her and can't imagine spending your life with anyone else (which you obviously can because you are looking for dates on link removed).

 

Anything else is just settling, and she deserves more than that.

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I understand that the situation sounds silly. But this has been impossible for me to get over. I'm very lonely. And I didn't even realize how lonely I was until recently. It's not just because of the breakup. I need people in my life. I've always pushed people away my whole life because I'd nitpick at them and be dissatisfied with them.

 

I really do love her and want her to be in my life. I don't feel that I'm quite ready to propose, but I don't know if that feeling will ever come. Perhaps I have a fear of commitment.

 

I'm basically looking at these next two months as time to figure things out. I need something to come to me (not necessarily my future wife) to make me realize that she is not the one for me because I can't get over her by myself. If nothing presents itself, I'm going to take it to mean that my inability to open up to her and my "nitpickiness" are the only reasons why I haven't been able to propose to her.

 

Again, I just need some plan of action laid out. I can't get over her.

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And the other thing is...I still want her as my girlfriend. The only reason I'm looking elsewhere is because she doesn't want to get back together in that way.

 

I know the only way to get her back is to propose. True, I may be settling. But if I don't want to live without her then what does it matter?

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You definitely shouldn't even be thinking of proposing to her.

 

Notice how you say you need "people" in your life, not her in your life.

 

She wanted you to marry her- so the only way you think you can get her back is by proposing when you aren't even sure that's what you want.

 

I can't think of a worse idea, and one that is more unfair to her.

 

I seriously hope you will reconsider.

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Please, please PLEASE think long and hard about this, and ONLY seek to reconcile with your ex if you REALLY want to marry her and be with her for a very long time. It sounds like being alone -- not your ex -- is what you can't get over. I can only come to this conclusion from what you've written here, but this is what you seem to be saying, and it is important that you know what you want before pursuing your ex again. She doesn't deserve to get her hopes up only to have them dashed when, once again, you decide you can't marry her because you aren't sure.

 

Did you say you'd only been on link removed for a month? If you've been looking for other women, it seems that you're not 100% sure about your ex. And, if you've only given it a month, you haven't given yourself a real chance to meet anyone else. Your comment about how none of the women seem interested in you and that many of them don't respond leads me to believe that you would "settle" for your ex, someone you KNOW loves you and cares for you.

 

Again, please don't ask for a reconciliation, and especially, don't make a marriage proposal, unless you are certain it is what you want. It would be very unfair to your ex for you to do it when you aren't sure it's what you want.

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Have you ever tried dating some girl that was just using you to get over her boyfriend? If your answer is yes, then obviously you know it was doomed from the start.

 

You CAN get over her by yourself!!! The worst thing you can do is use another girl as a rebound. DON'T DO IT! What happens when you find someone else, and you use her to get over the ex. What happens when the ex possibly comes back and says she still loves you. You're obviously going to run back and the new girl will be left in the dust, heartbroken.

 

Don't sell yourself short. You can get over her, without anyone else. If things in her past or whatever made you decide that she isn't the right girl for you, then run with that! Use that as your motivation. But please don't use someone else!!!

 

I guess by now you can tell I was a victim of this cowardly maneuver. I'm not sure if it gets any worse than to love someone, only to find you were nothing mroe than a rebound to them. Absolutely heartbreaking, and a severe crush to your confidence, self esteem, and self-worth!

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And the other thing is...I still want her as my girlfriend. The only reason I'm looking elsewhere is because she doesn't want to get back together in that way.

 

I know the only way to get her back is to propose. True, I may be settling. But if I don't want to live without her then what does it matter?

 

She was your gf for 6 years but after all that time she wanted a more serious commitment and I don't blame her. In all honesty, 6 years is too long to be dating someone. If you don't know for sure you want to marry her after 6 years, you don't want to marry her.

 

She isn't interested in being a gf to you- she made that clear.

 

It's not fair to her that you settle and would marry her simply so you wouldn't have to be alone vs. actually wanting a life and marriage with her.

 

You just said you aren't even sure you want to get married, and aren't ready.

 

How fair to her is that?

 

Don't think of yourself here- think about how unfair that would be to her.

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I just don't know what to do at this point. I'm confused.

 

She is the first thing I think about when I get up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to sleep. I miss her deeply.

 

If there were other people around, would I miss her less? Yeah, probably.

 

However, I don't know if I'll ever meet someone who loves and cares for me as much as she did/does. I do love her and yes, there are things about her personality that irritate me. But, given my track record on relationships/friendships, I feel like I'm the one to blame for getting so irritated.

 

If it's me that's the problem, I don't want to lose her.

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Absolutely, fivespot. I was thinking the same thing.

 

I have found myself being a rebound not once, but TWICE for the same guy in the past year. The first time I didn't realize that's what I was, but just recently, when it looked like we were getting close and going to start seeing each other again, he dropped the bomb: "I am still not over a previous relationship." Even though he has almost zero chance of getting her back, EVER, he is still hung up on her, and I am suffering the consequences of getting involved with him.

 

You're right, it is absolutely heartbreaking. I've found myself thinking, "Well, she must be pretty darn spectacular for him to throw away a potential relationship with someone who really cares for him and wants to be with him." My friend's response, "No, she's probably not all that spectacular. He's so hung up on her because he can't have her." Exactly.

 

So, back to the OP's post: Please have some regard for the feelings of not only the ex, but also any women you might meet and date during this time.

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Don't sell yourself short. You can get over her, without anyone else. If things in her past or whatever made you decide that she isn't the right girl for you, then run with that! Use that as your motivation. But please don't use someone else!!!

 

I would never even think for a microsecond about using someone to get over an ex-girlfriend. What I meant about "needing someone to help get me over this" is meeting new people, making new friends. Something that would make me realize one way or another that this was/wasn't the right girl for me. I can only figure that out if there are some other people around to compare to.

 

This was basically my first love. I don't have any other friends or relationships to compare it to. I don't know if what I'm feeling is natural...or if I'm just making too big a deal about it because I ***SUCK*** at relationships.

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Hey, c'mon now! Actually you and I are in pretty much the same boat. I wasn't in a relationship for nearly as long as you, but I can completely understand where you're coming from.

 

Here's the thing, though. You SAY you'd never use someone. Of course you wouldn't. I think only heartless cowards would (and there are some out there). But the truth is, it just happens that way. Emotions are sometimes very hard to understand. And the fact that you want to move on to new friends or whatever, with unresolved feelings for your ex, is only going to create problems...believe me!

 

This should be your new action plan: make new friends for YOURSELF and don't worry about anything else. Chances are, even if you meet new friends, or meet up with old ones, the ghost of your old relationship isn't going to go away. Nor will it go away if you get a new girlfriend, hoping that she will make it go away.

 

That's why you need to let time go by and heal on your own. Truthfully, I think you've gotten yourself into a comfort zone with this girl. And I know how difficult it is to dig yourself out of it. I'm still working on doing that myself, and it's been months already!

 

You are nitpicking because you've got a reason to. We're talking about the rest of your life here...or at least a fairly long time...you'll be spending with someone else. Don't marry her just because you're lonely.

 

The girl I'm trying to get over now, she was completely not my type at all. We both knew this, but I loved her, no matter what. She was completely wrong for me. Her past was absolutely atrocious. I'm not one to judge, but it was shameful, and she knew it. She partied WAY too much. She could be mean and hurtful to other people. And yet, because of my love for this girl, I accepted her for who she was and loved her because of her flaws. She was extremely far from perfect, but to me she was more perfect than I could have ever hoped for.

 

If you can say that, then it's right. If you can't then you honestly need to move on. I didn't think I was settling for anything. She had major flaws, but she was pefect in my eyes. It takes some time to come to this conclusion...I questioned it a lot at first, but eventually, I don't know, it just comes to you and you KNOW if she's "the one" or not.

 

It turns out she was the one for me, but I wasn't the one for her.

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Do you think that part of why you are thinking about proposing to her is because you feel lonely and that you are poor at relationships, and this is one that sort of worked?

 

That's not a good reason to get married either.

 

Think long and hard about this- you were with her for 6 years and you didn't want to marry her. You already admitted here that you'd like her to be your gf again but don't feel ready for marriage and aren't sure you want to marry her because some things about her irritate you.

 

But you know that she won't even entertain taking you back without a ring and an engagement.

 

Would you want to be with someone who really wasn't sure about you?

 

Marriage is a very serious commitment, not something you 'try' and see how it goes.

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You are nitpicking because you've got a reason to. We're talking about the rest of your life here...or at least a fairly long time...you'll be spending with someone else.

 

I guess this is why I feel hesitant towards marriage. However, I feel like the things I'm nitpicking about are minor imperfections. She has a clean past. She is a kind person. She is responsible. She isn't overly shallow or preoccupied with material things. However, I guess the main things that I was always dissatisfied with were:

1) She can be kinda ditzy sometimes and I felt like I was mentally superior (this really is not an ego thing). This led to me feeling like I didn't have a good "mental connection" with her at times.

2) She can be kinda rigid/prudish/high strung. This led me to get frustrated with her a lot. I guess I wished she could be more easy going and adventurous.

 

First off, I feel like these are just minor nitpickings. I feel like I have to realize that no one is going to perfectly match me.

 

Additionally, now that we broke up, I have been trying to re-evaluate the things that irritated me about her. When we see each other now, these irritations are still there. However, I think I really overemphasized them and obsessed about them way too much when we were together. I'm a perfectionist type of person. If something is broken, it gets fixed without hesitation. So I'm worried that I applied too much of this "perfectionism" towards her. Instead of just letting these annoyances roll off my back, I became fixated with them and felt like I had to change them. Then again, maybe they bothered me because, fundamentally she isn't right for me. This is why I'm confused. I don't know...

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Marriage is a very serious commitment, not something you 'try' and see how it goes.

 

Don't get me wrong...I feel like I'm an extremely mature person and really understand the seriousness of marriage. From a religious point, I understand what it is and what it is not. From a social point, I understand the personal changes one must make and the effort and energy that is devoted towards the other person. And trust me...I'm way too responsible to overlook these things once I was within a marriage.

 

If I thought it was "try and see how it goes", I would have proposed way back when she originally wanted to get engaged. I'm trying to be as cautious as possible.

 

The problem is, I just can't get over her. I will re-evaluate my plans based on your advice. I won't rush into marriage if I'm not ready for it. However, I also feel that if I don't want to let her go, I will have to make the leap at some point.

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I would listen to the others. Don't cling on to her because you are lonely and don't think you will find someone else. It won't work. You are looking at her as "she'll do". You wont be able to hide it from her, even when you are married. It will come out in the way you talk to her, the way you treat her, the way you interact with her. True feelings cannot be hidden. I am starting to realize that now. No matter how hard you try to hide those feelings, they will come out and the more you repress them, they will come out in weirder ways. And she will eventually realize you only "settled" for her.

 

It will hurt her terribly. And you will feel very guilty for it.

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What I'd suggest doing is sitting down and writing out a list of exactly what you want out of your next relationship. Do you want marriage? Do you want to date? What kind of traits do you want your partner to have? What do you want to accomplish through having this relationship? Ask yourself as many questions along those lines as you can think of and answer them honestly.

 

So often we don't know what we actually want. That's why it's important to sit down and find out exactly what it is that you desire. Just knowing what you want at this point and time can help you make the decisions to get what you want. Those decisions may lead to your ex, but it's also very possible that they'll take you on another path entirely.

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