what to do ... my SO's dad has cancer

obscurity · 09-01-2007, 02:10 PM

I am confused, extremely, to the point I want to rip out my hair.

3 days ago I got back from a 10 day vacation. Ever since then Ive tried calling my bf, but no calls back. Nothing, until last night, he sends me a text message saying he just found out his dad has throat cancer. I was shocked and sadden because I know how this can really effect his family. (my mom went through breast cancer less then a year ago) I havent spoken to him ever since I gotten back and I am worried about how he is holding up. I call him, text him, but no replies. Should I give him his space? I really want to be by his side, like he was during my mom's cancer, but he seems so closed off. Its strange because I havent talked to him for 2 weeks now.

loveistough · 09-01-2007, 02:26 PM

My ex whom I am still really good friends with just went thru this with his grandmother and he did the same thing. He shut down and wouldn't talk to me or answer my texts. We normally have contact pretty much daily. I gave him his space but let him know I was there for him if he needed me for anything. Men handle things like this differently than women do.

obscurity · 09-01-2007, 02:42 PM

Its driving me crazy not seeing him for 2 weeks. I just wish there was something I could do....

I know since Ive been through it with my mom, that this is hard, but inside its killing me. I wish he knew he could trust and turn to me for support.

Batya33 · 09-01-2007, 03:00 PM

It's great that you know how it must feel given your past experiences and I am so sorry about your mother! This is a time to be other-centered and not focus on your need to see him. Leave him a message and ask if there is anything you can do, including giving him space. If there is a way you can help him support his dad by for example offering to run an errand for him, or something like that that will allow him to spend more time with his dad you can offer that too so that he doesn't feel he has to see you - he can just call and ask you to run the errand or similar.

loveistough · 09-01-2007, 03:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by obscurity

Its driving me crazy not seeing him for 2 weeks. I just wish there was something I could do....

I know since Ive been through it with my mom, that this is hard, but inside its killing me. I wish he knew he could trust and turn to me for support.

It's not that he can't trust you. It's not about you at all, it's about him. Just let him know that you are there for him and that you support him. You can't force yourself on him right now. Everyone handles these things in their own way. Just respect his needs right now. I know it is hard because you want to physically be by his side but if that is not what he wants right now then you have to respect that. He knows that you love him.

Luke Skywalker · 09-01-2007, 05:00 PM

You should pray for his father that the cancer will go away.

Batya33 · 09-01-2007, 05:10 PM

I agree that prayers are great if she believes in a religion but even better, at least in my opinion, is to help him support his dad by taking care of her bf's errands, etc.

obscurity · 09-01-2007, 06:21 PM

Its pretty hard when he is not returning my calls or texts. I miss him so much, but I understand, space and support is the best. I think I need to calm down and think things through. His mom is probably pretty devestated, and he loves so much.

So i havent seen him in 2 weeks, and havent even talked to him on the phone for that long as well. What is a good time I should give him before I call him again and ask if I could see him and how he is doing?? I am not sure at all.

Batya33 · 09-01-2007, 11:55 PM

I would not call again but you could send his parents a fruit basket or similar. If you keep focused on being supportive of him, even if that means letting him come to you when he is ready, it will make more sense to you. Did you call him while you were away on vacation?

1maineac · 09-02-2007, 01:32 AM

Send a card--touch him with your mind--let him feel you holding him with your heart and that you aren't letting him be alone even though you're not able to get through to him in any other way--send him a card

09-01-2007, 02:10 PM	#1
obscurity Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 147	what to do ... my SO's dad has cancer I am confused, extremely, to the point I want to rip out my hair. 3 days ago I got back from a 10 day vacation. Ever since then Ive tried calling my bf, but no calls back. Nothing, until last night, he sends me a text message saying he just found out his dad has throat cancer. I was shocked and sadden because I know how this can really effect his family. (my mom went through breast cancer less then a year ago) I havent spoken to him ever since I gotten back and I am worried about how he is holding up. I call him, text him, but no replies. Should I give him his space? I really want to be by his side, like he was during my mom's cancer, but he seems so closed off. Its strange because I havent talked to him for 2 weeks now.

09-01-2007, 02:26 PM	#2
loveistough Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 180	My ex whom I am still really good friends with just went thru this with his grandmother and he did the same thing. He shut down and wouldn't talk to me or answer my texts. We normally have contact pretty much daily. I gave him his space but let him know I was there for him if he needed me for anything. Men handle things like this differently than women do.

09-01-2007, 02:42 PM	#3
obscurity Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 147	Its driving me crazy not seeing him for 2 weeks. I just wish there was something I could do.... I know since Ive been through it with my mom, that this is hard, but inside its killing me. I wish he knew he could trust and turn to me for support.

09-01-2007, 03:00 PM	#4
Batya33 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 19,073	It's great that you know how it must feel given your past experiences and I am so sorry about your mother! This is a time to be other-centered and not focus on your need to see him. Leave him a message and ask if there is anything you can do, including giving him space. If there is a way you can help him support his dad by for example offering to run an errand for him, or something like that that will allow him to spend more time with his dad you can offer that too so that he doesn't feel he has to see you - he can just call and ask you to run the errand or similar.

09-01-2007, 05:00 PM	#6
Luke Skywalker Offline Gold Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 3,471	You should pray for his father that the cancer will go away.

09-01-2007, 05:10 PM	#7
Batya33 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 19,073	I agree that prayers are great if she believes in a religion but even better, at least in my opinion, is to help him support his dad by taking care of her bf's errands, etc.

09-01-2007, 06:21 PM	#8
obscurity Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 147	Its pretty hard when he is not returning my calls or texts. I miss him so much, but I understand, space and support is the best. I think I need to calm down and think things through. His mom is probably pretty devestated, and he loves so much. So i havent seen him in 2 weeks, and havent even talked to him on the phone for that long as well. What is a good time I should give him before I call him again and ask if I could see him and how he is doing?? I am not sure at all.

09-01-2007, 11:55 PM	#9
Batya33 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 19,073	I would not call again but you could send his parents a fruit basket or similar. If you keep focused on being supportive of him, even if that means letting him come to you when he is ready, it will make more sense to you. Did you call him while you were away on vacation?

09-02-2007, 01:32 AM	#10
1maineac Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Texas Posts: 126	Send a card--touch him with your mind--let him feel you holding him with your heart and that you aren't letting him be alone even though you're not able to get through to him in any other way--send him a card