I don't turn my boyfriend on!
I really need opinions/advice. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Ok so, I have been with my boyfriend since the end of january. When we started dating, he literally just got out of a three year relationship.
I found out in June from his ex, he cheated on me with her 3 times. Twice in febuary and once in march. And he saw her a couple of other times. I know that is plenty enough to break up with him, but i chose to forgive him, and I'm trying to move on from all of that.
Now in the very beginning, we had no sex problems what so ever. It was great for the first month or so. Then from the end of febuary to beginning of April he couldn't stay erect during sex. So I'm guessing this is the time he was with her and still had feelings for her.From April until June everything was normal. no problems.
Now SHE(his ex) told me in june that he told her the reason he couldn't get hard with me during feb/ april was bc he thought of her. i brought this up to him and made a huge deal about it, and it started happening again. Since June it has really been on and off.
For the last month or so he has been off. He will wake up hard as a rock, and we will start having sex and he will get soft after two minutes. He said the reason was because I masturbate (during) sex. He says it turns him off, bc he feel he is not "doing his job" That is the ONLY way i can have an orgasm. I have done it with all of my other sex partners and they all thought it was hot. ..so regardless, for him for the last week i stopped. I didn't use my hand...and guess what? it didn't help.
He also said he likes lingeri..so what do i do?? I bought $80.00 lingerie and candles and did my hair and make up all pretty. He gets soft after 30 seconds. That was two days ago. Last night he was hard i go down on him, and he gets soft after a minute "bc the fan was blowing on him and he was cold"
I just don't know how to NOT take this personal. He says he loves me. He tells me he wants to marry me, and everyday he tells me how beautiful I am EVERYDAY. Why don't I turn him on??? I know for a 100% fact he doesn't talk to his ex anymore. I'm 25, I know i'm a good looking girl. I have a nice body. I bought lingerie for him! and he still couldn't get hard. Do you have any idea what that does to a girls self esteem?
When he jerks off he gets hard in a second, when he wakes up he is hard. He didn't have this problem with her. So it can't be erectile dysfunction? I'm just so lost for words. I'm 25, he's 23. At his age he should not be having problems like this.
What can I do? Is there anything I can do? Is this the end of the relationship? I mean I know sex isn't everything..but i can't even turn him on
I'm sorry this is so long. I just don't know what to do?? I'd really appriciate some feedback. This is quite embarassing for me.
Last edited by Snoopy24; 09-01-2007 at 01:33 PM.
Originally Posted by JeckyllNHyde
I do feel it maybe in his mind, but how do I make it stop?
I honestly don't think he thinks about his ex anymore. I know he did at first. But she begged for him back. He had a million of chances to go back out with her. He chose me. He cut all contact with her, and that is when she retaliated and told me about him cheating. She did it out of spite because he stopped talking to her and told her he wants to be with me. If he was still in love with her, wouldn't he want to be with her. She still wants him back amd he wants nothing to do with her.
It's because now you have the momentun of a problem. Sex is great when you're relaxed, and all you're concentrating on is how much fun you're having with your partner. For awhile, he was concentrating on his ex, and this messed everything up for you guys. I'm assuming that you both went through some fighting and some emotional trauma. There's no way that's already behind you two.
And now he knows he has problems getting an erection with you so it's on his mind more then the actual sex. If all he can think about is his erection, and he knows all you can think about is his erection then his erection isn't likely to work out anytime soon, and pushing this for a quick solution will only make the problem still worse.
My advice is to see a couple's counselor. You have to start with the infidelity and the emotional issues that surround it, and then from there you may just find that the sexual problems would disappear if you can truly get past the other issues. Sex is mostly mental of course, and mentally, you two are likely a bit of train wreck.
Thanks for your advice, Jettison.
As Naive as it sounds I don't think counseling would help. When I was a teen my mom brought my brother and I to therapy and her and my brother would just attack verbally as I sat there and cried. I know it does help a lot of people, but it's just not my cup of tea.
Also I don't want to think of him and his ex. I hate talking about it. It makes me sick. Everytime I bring it up I flip out and he gets a bad panic attack from the thought of losing me. We definatley are on an emotional rollercoaster. Or at least I am. I'll be fine and then I just bring it up and start a fight with him.
besides counseling....do you have any ideas of what we can do, to get through this??
I thought about not even having sex for awhile..but then I think that might make things worse?
I think he's lying to you when he told you he doesn't want anything to do with his ex. Who knows what to believe? He cheated on you in Feb--twice, then went at again in March...and I bet you he has cheated on you even more in his mind!!...
You seem like a nice person...You have gave me wonderful advice! I think it's time for you to start taking your own advice too, and do what you feel is right...This pathetic "guy" that you call a boyfriend doesn't deserve you, or anyone else at that, until he figures out what he wants in a relationship...He is using you as a toy, while he plays mingo with his ex...Chances are if they were still sleeping with each other four months after the break up, than it's truly not a breakup at all, I would say it's more like a "break"...I've seen couples like this...They'd breakup and get back together....repeatedly...It's annoying, because so many people get hurt in the long run, but that's just how they do it....So my advice would be to get out while you can...You've only been with him since January, and he has already cheated, so take my advice and run!!
I hope this helped you!!=)
I don't think you should dump him just because he is having some issues - that is just cold hearted - but cheating on you however is a very good reason. I doubt it has anything to do with you and probably more to do with outside things. How is his job? Do you communicate with each other? Is there something going on with his family? or his friends? Did his favorite team lose big? Bad week at the horse track and owes lots of money to some big guys that are going to break his legs? LOL
Is he going soft because he is finishing early? It is something in his head (the one up there) and the only way to find out is to wait until you both are relaxed outside the bedroom (Sunday afternoon walk in the park?) and ask him if his friends are ok, his family, his work, etc.. Tell him he seems a little pre-occupied with something or seems like he is thinking about something and you would like to know what it is. Don't come out at him guns a blazing as that will only make him keep it all bottled up and you won't know. He is probably feeling very bad about not being able to keep it up in order to satisfy you and if you keep stressing him then its not going to help. How about a BJ? Does that turn him on? Perhaps you can play some kind of game to lighten things up in the bedroom.
How do you know his ex? Why are you talking to her about him? of course she is going to say things to make your mind doubt him especially if she wants him
Last edited by p_fred; 09-01-2007 at 01:22 PM.
Maybe he's pulling WAY TOO MUCH?? LOL
Thanks you for your advice
Originally Posted by undeniyable
The thing is though... She BEGGED for him back. From Febuary until NOW. and he chose me. I know I sounds like I am in denial. But if he really wanted to be with her, wouldn't he with with her?? I saw the messages they wrote back and forth. Her telling him to leave me and go back with her. and him telling her no, and to leave him alone, he doesn't want to hurt me and he loves me"
I don't want to make excuses for him, I mean what he did was toatally wrong in so many ways BUT it was the first two months he cheated, and he did JUST get out of a three year relationship. I do understand he was confused, and in the end he chose me.
I really do love him. I know the smart thing to do would be to leave him. But I can't. I love him with all my heart, and I know he loves me too. I know he doesn't talk to her at all. I know that for a fact.
We are actually VERY open with eachother. We talk about everything.
Originally Posted by p_fred
The only thing going on in his life is he is getting promoted in his Job. And actually this promotion will have him doing LESS work than he is doing now, and he will be getting a rasie. He already is def getting it, so I don't think that could be the cause.
I did just think of one thing. His sister is having a baby in October. But again I don't think that would be occupying his mind while he is intamite with me?? i am on the pill, so it's not like he would even be worried about having a baby.
Besides those two things (wich are good things) nothing else is going on in his life that I think he would be constantly thinking about.
I tried going down on him yesterday and he got soft bc "the fan was blowing on him" ....I'm not a guy but i think he was turned on a light breeze wouldnt have him go limp?
Everything except the fact that he cheated on you?
Originally Posted by Snoopy24
I don't trust this guy, and I am not sure why you do either. My suspicion is either he's cheating or he has his eye on someone else. He left his ex for you, and then he used you both by cheating multiple times.
What is it about this guy that shows you he loves and respects you, or any woman?
Mama to a beautiful baby girl born 6-25-09. :) AND a beautiful baby boy born 6-14-11. :)
Baby # 2 forever missed lost 6-3-10.
"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".
"Victory is sweetest when you have known defeat"
~ Malcolm Forbes
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