Is it truly possible to forgive and trust again?

TechResQ · 08-29-2007, 04:32 PM

Hello everyone.

I am a newbie at this sort of thing and stumbled on to this forum by accident...or quite possibly by fate.???

Here is my explanation for my posting title:

On Feb 14, 2006 my boyfriend of 3 years proposed to me and I said yes. I was, to say the least thrilled. I love this man so much and truly do want to spend the rest of my life with him. Everything went very well, I was having so much fun showing my ring to everyone, planning the wedding (it was to be in May of 2007), he was helping me plan and seemed excited too.

However, approximately 3 months after he proposed, he began acting distant and secretive on his computer. He received calls and text messages on his phone and wouldn't take the calls in front of me. I became increasingly suspicious and after I saw an email from another woman, who was talking about how much she loved him and other things, I asked him to be honest with me about what was going on. He said I was "making mountains out of mole hills", that she was someone he had brought into the police station (yes he is a police officer) for questioning and she had become infatuated with him. He kept telling me I was paranoid and needed to stop acting so ridiculous. He said this kind of thing happens a lot to police officers.

This went on for a while and I tried my best to act sane. He said he needed his space and that I was acting too needy. We lived together, so it was kind of hard to give him space, but I tried my best. Finally, in August of 2006 I read an email from "her" that convinced me of their relationship. Everything my gut was telling me all along was true. Turns out I wasn't making mountains out of mole hills afterall.

I left that night, I moved out. When he tried to break up with this woman, she went ballistic. She would called me and tell me things that made my stomach turn and she sent me every email he had ever sent to her. She was trying to hurt me and also getting back at him for breaking up with her (and doing a very good job of it I might add).

Anyway, we ended up getting back together a few months later. He apologized and said he would never be untrue to me again. He went to counseling (so did I) and I moved back in with him in April 2007.

I guess what I would like to know is this...Is it ever truly possible to completely let go and trust again? I do forgive him. I believe him when he says he is sorry. But all of the lies and deception really took it's toll on me. He completely shattered my heart and my dreams last year. Can we truly start over and build that trust? If so...please, will someone tell me how?

Thanks for letting me vent.

Theartofforgetting · 08-29-2007, 04:45 PM

No. Don't go back to him. Break it off for ever. Reason I say this is because it's not the fact that you could ever trust him again. It's the fact that he betrayed you once and now it's in your subcontiousness that he will cheat again. That being said, you will act different towards him and more suspicious towards his act. You will live a life with him full of doubts which will create insecurity. Insecurity destroys relationships. I just got out of on 2 weeks ago and it was tuff. She lied to me twice about something big, and I told her "I rather not be with than to be with you always wondering if you're telling the truth or not." If you totally trust him and love him and you won't be insecure..not even subcontiously...than give it a shot. If not....move on....

Satsuma · 08-29-2007, 05:03 PM

Hmm can i just ask if you know.. how on earth did she get his email? He said it happens to all police officers? To me that doesnt sound right because police email addresses are secret and cant be revealed to someone that has been brought in for doing something wrong unless he gave it to her which does sound weird.
It is up to YOU if you want to be with him. Think hard about the pros and cons of this, do you really want to be with a man who has cheated on you and this has been embedded in your mind? Whenever he acts odd again you will think hes cheating again. Do you want to have this type of paranoia?
Remember when you asked him to be honest and to say if he was hiding something, he said no, he was lying to you. He had a chance to be honest and true and sort this out but he didnt choose this and decided to go on with this woman.
It will be hard to trust him after what he has done. But like i said if you want to be with him then do, if you dont want to be with him then dont. Its up to you if you ever think you can trust him ever again.

TechResQ · 08-29-2007, 05:04 PM

thank you for the posting Theartofforgetting.

I am trying to build that trust with him again. I guess we will see what happens. For the record, he did propose to me aqain and I told him I wouldn't marry him until I was sure I could trust him again.

TechResQ · 08-29-2007, 05:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Satsuma

Hmm can i just ask if you know.. how on earth did she get his email? He said it happens to all police officers? To me that doesnt sound right because police email addresses are secret and cant be revealed to someone that has been brought in for doing something wrong unless he gave it to her which does sound weird.
.

Thank you Satsuma. Yeah, that was a lie too. His whole story was based on a lie.

I am trying to build the trust. It's just hard not wondering, you know?

Thanks again.

Satsuma · 08-29-2007, 05:09 PM

Well i hope it works and you will be happy

flower99 · 08-29-2007, 05:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Satsuma

It is up to YOU if you want to be with him. Think hard about the pros and cons of this, do you really want to be with a man who has cheated on you and this has been embedded in your mind? Whenever he acts odd again you will think hes cheating again. Do you want to have this type of paranoia?
Remember when you asked him to be honest and to say if he was hiding something, he said no, he was lying to you. He had a chance to be honest and true and sort this out but he didnt choose this and decided to go on with this woman.
It will be hard to trust him after what he has done. But like i said if you want to be with him then do, if you dont want to be with him then dont. Its up to you if you ever think you can trust him ever again.

I agree You should think if this is seriously something you want. He was given every oppurtunity to be honest with you & he choose to lie. It wasn't an accident he made once or twice, he was an affair he choose to have after proposing...after making a serious life long commitment. Personally i would be weary of that. Cheating while dating is one thing, having an affair while planning your wedding is an intierally different ball game & I would take it as the sign & warning that it is. I believe that if he truely loved you the way you deserve to be loved, he wouldn't have done that.

But to answer your question as to if it's possible to trust again. depending on the individuals Yes it is. Here is a link to some advice & tips for rebuilding trust & marriage after infidality.
[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

TechResQ · 08-29-2007, 05:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flower99

I believe that if he truely loved you the way you deserve to be loved, he wouldn't have done that.
[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

Thank you Flower99.

I really do appreciate your response and I will definitely check out the website.

Wimpy · 08-29-2007, 05:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TechResQ

Finally, in August of 2006 I read an email from "her" that convinced me of their relationship.

Ask yourself...had you not seen that email would he have ever been honest or would he have married you and kept her on the side?

Seems to me (and of course we only have one perspective) that he only fessed up and took action when you called him on it.

Up to that point everything he did and said was a lie.

Only you can decide whether or not the leopard has changed it's spots. No-one else can tell you what to do or what happened in their case as their case isn't your case. What happens/works for one doesn't necessarily guarantee success for everyone - if that makes sense????

TechResQ · 08-30-2007, 03:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wimpy

Only you can decide whether or not the leopard has changed it's spots. No-one else can tell you what to do or what happened in their case as their case isn't your case. What happens/works for one doesn't necessarily guarantee success for everyone - if that makes sense????

Yes, Wimpy, it makes perfect sense. Thank you for your kind reply. I guess I was just asking for other people's suggestions based on their own experience. Just being able to talk to other people seems to help. This blog is a wonderful outlet for that...hence the name "You Are Not Alone".

08-29-2007, 04:32 PM	#1
TechResQ Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Kansas City Gender: Female Posts: 1,039	Is it truly possible to forgive and trust again? Hello everyone. I am a newbie at this sort of thing and stumbled on to this forum by accident...or quite possibly by fate.??? Here is my explanation for my posting title: On Feb 14, 2006 my boyfriend of 3 years proposed to me and I said yes. I was, to say the least thrilled. I love this man so much and truly do want to spend the rest of my life with him. Everything went very well, I was having so much fun showing my ring to everyone, planning the wedding (it was to be in May of 2007), he was helping me plan and seemed excited too. However, approximately 3 months after he proposed, he began acting distant and secretive on his computer. He received calls and text messages on his phone and wouldn't take the calls in front of me. I became increasingly suspicious and after I saw an email from another woman, who was talking about how much she loved him and other things, I asked him to be honest with me about what was going on. He said I was "making mountains out of mole hills", that she was someone he had brought into the police station (yes he is a police officer) for questioning and she had become infatuated with him. He kept telling me I was paranoid and needed to stop acting so ridiculous. He said this kind of thing happens a lot to police officers. This went on for a while and I tried my best to act sane. He said he needed his space and that I was acting too needy. We lived together, so it was kind of hard to give him space, but I tried my best. Finally, in August of 2006 I read an email from "her" that convinced me of their relationship. Everything my gut was telling me all along was true. Turns out I wasn't making mountains out of mole hills afterall. I left that night, I moved out. When he tried to break up with this woman, she went ballistic. She would called me and tell me things that made my stomach turn and she sent me every email he had ever sent to her. She was trying to hurt me and also getting back at him for breaking up with her (and doing a very good job of it I might add). Anyway, we ended up getting back together a few months later. He apologized and said he would never be untrue to me again. He went to counseling (so did I) and I moved back in with him in April 2007. I guess what I would like to know is this...Is it ever truly possible to completely let go and trust again? I do forgive him. I believe him when he says he is sorry. But all of the lies and deception really took it's toll on me. He completely shattered my heart and my dreams last year. Can we truly start over and build that trust? If so...please, will someone tell me how? Thanks for letting me vent.

08-29-2007, 05:03 PM	#3
Satsuma Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: UK Gender: Female Posts: 199	Hmm can i just ask if you know.. how on earth did she get his email? He said it happens to all police officers? To me that doesnt sound right because police email addresses are secret and cant be revealed to someone that has been brought in for doing something wrong unless he gave it to her which does sound weird. It is up to YOU if you want to be with him. Think hard about the pros and cons of this, do you really want to be with a man who has cheated on you and this has been embedded in your mind? Whenever he acts odd again you will think hes cheating again. Do you want to have this type of paranoia? Remember when you asked him to be honest and to say if he was hiding something, he said no, he was lying to you. He had a chance to be honest and true and sort this out but he didnt choose this and decided to go on with this woman. It will be hard to trust him after what he has done. But like i said if you want to be with him then do, if you dont want to be with him then dont. Its up to you if you ever think you can trust him ever again. Last edited by Satsuma; 08-29-2007 at 05:06 PM. Reason: spelling

08-29-2007, 04:45 PM	#2
Theartofforgetting Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 7	No. Don't go back to him. Break it off for ever. Reason I say this is because it's not the fact that you could ever trust him again. It's the fact that he betrayed you once and now it's in your subcontiousness that he will cheat again. That being said, you will act different towards him and more suspicious towards his act. You will live a life with him full of doubts which will create insecurity. Insecurity destroys relationships. I just got out of on 2 weeks ago and it was tuff. She lied to me twice about something big, and I told her "I rather not be with than to be with you always wondering if you're telling the truth or not." If you totally trust him and love him and you won't be insecure..not even subcontiously...than give it a shot. If not....move on....

08-29-2007, 05:04 PM	#4
TechResQ Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Kansas City Gender: Female Posts: 1,039	thank you for the posting Theartofforgetting. I am trying to build that trust with him again. I guess we will see what happens. For the record, he did propose to me aqain and I told him I wouldn't marry him until I was sure I could trust him again.

08-29-2007, 05:09 PM	#6
Satsuma Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: UK Gender: Female Posts: 199	Well i hope it works and you will be happy