Sorry, or just sorry that they got caught?

dl115 · 08-29-2007, 11:29 AM

Related to my previous thread...

My wife had an emotional affair with an ex-boyfriend (which she confessed to) and then resumed the emotional affair months later and followed it up with a physical affair (which I had to find out about on my own weeks after it happened).

I have a general question to any of you who have been cheated on and had to find out about it on your own (your SO didn't confess to it).

Of course, she says that she is sorry, so so sorry, but part of me is thinking, "are you really sorry, or just sorry that you got caught?"

I mean, if you cheat on someone you love, and it's just tearing you up inside, wouldn't you feel like you had no choice but to tell them about it? If you were really sorry? And if it's something that makes you feel that terrible, why didn't any of that keep you from doing it in the first place?

She said, "well I didn't want you to find out" and "I just wanted to forget that it ever happened", and that makes me think that it's more along the "sorry I got caught" line.

And I've read lots of the stories on this board. Some people cheat, and hide it for months or years before it all comes out. The cheating is bad enough, but the idea that someone who says that they love you could look you in the eye day after day, knowing that everything they are telling you is a lie and knowing that you are still sitting there trusting them...that almost seems even worse.

So what do you think? Are cheaters who hide it and get found out later really sorry for what they've done, or are they just sorry that they have to actually face the consequences?

And how can you tell the difference?

Dako · 08-29-2007, 12:21 PM

What else is there to say when your life is at risk of collapse?
Politicians, jocks and priests are famous for scripted remorse as damage control. Same thing.

Meow18 · 08-29-2007, 12:42 PM

Honestly, I think that more times than not, they are just sorry they got caught. And maybe she's sorry for hurting you that way, but how convienant that she only says so when she's caught.

Trust me, if you didn't find out about it on your own, you still wouldn't know.

I really believe that most people would carry on with what they are doing if they were never caught. I mean, if the person you supposedly love isn't enough, then what reason do they really have a reason to stop?

shes2smart · 08-29-2007, 12:44 PM

If my ex had had enough spine to get in my face and say, "Yeah, I did it and I'm not sorry," I might've had to at least give him some credit for having a backbone. Not a lot of credit, since he was engaging in sneaky and hiding behaviors. Someone with a spine of steel would've been overt in what they were doing from the get-go, y'know?

I still woulda left, though.

With an apology, I suppose some people would be placated enough to give it another go. To a cheater, I suppose that's a better option.

beauty21 · 08-29-2007, 12:53 PM

She's sorry she got caught. You can't tell the difference between the two. But I tell you this, if she was sorry for what she did, then she wouldn't have done it in the first place.

mrmaximum · 08-29-2007, 01:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dl115

[I]

And how can you tell the difference?

From all the stories I've read over the last little while, you can tell the difference in their behavior. Yes some will say that they change for you and do what you ask. The ones that are actully legit will bend over backwards to meet your demands. Granted in the few (and I mean very few) cases that I've come across like this, the WS told the BS about the affair, the BS didn't have to do any snooping. This of course shows that they are willing to make their lives harder by being under a microscope to gain your trust back. The ones that you should leave are the ones that don't meet you needs at all. Then there are the ones that have you scratching your head where they meet you halfway.

The men and women who where more than confident about reconciliation always stated that their SO's where kissing their butts to prove thay they could be trusted after DDay. If she's only meeting you halfway, proceed with caution because you don't know where her loyaties lie and this point.

TechResQ · 08-29-2007, 05:21 PM

Good point dl115!!!

I caught mine, yeah he says he's sorry. Don't know if he would have told me, but I did actually ask him that question. His answer..."eventually, I would have told you, because I knew I didn't want to be with her, I wanted to be with you". SOOOO is that a big line of B.S.? I don't know...

Anyway, what I have learned from my experience with this subject is to trust my gut feeling. It doesn't lie.

Peace.

karvala · 08-30-2007, 07:28 PM

I think in mosy cases it is actually both: they are sorry they got caught, but also sorry for what they did. The reason is that the real shame about the action tends to come only when seeing the most painful consequences of it, and that only becomes visible when they actually get caught. This is one reason why cheaters who don't get caught in their first affair are statistically much more likely to cheat again than cheaters who do get caught; they never see the full pain that the cheating causes, and so are not deterred from doing it again.

I know some otherwise highly moral and generally decent people who have cheated, and it's always slightly mystified me. What seems to be common in all cases is that they have an ability to justify the act in their own mind ("we'd broken up in my mind", "she wasn't paying me enough attention" etc.), an ability to justify long-term deception about the act ("I didn't want to hurt her by telling her"), and an ability to act around the person being cheated on in a way that reveals no problems prior to the act ("I love you, Hon", just before going and cheating). These seem to be the three deadly ingredients for a persistent cheater, and I emphasise: at the time of cheating, the cheaters really, genuinely believe this self-deception.

dl115 · 08-31-2007, 08:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TechResQ

I caught mine, yeah he says he's sorry. Don't know if he would have told me, but I did actually ask him that question. His answer..."eventually, I would have told you, because I knew I didn't want to be with her, I wanted to be with you". SOOOO is that a big line of B.S.? I don't know...

Yeah, I got kind of the same thing from her. "I would have told you eventually - I wanted to tell you, but I needed to get things sorted out in my own head first." Of course, she had also said, "I just wanted to forget that it ever happened and move on," which I think is closer to the actual truth.

I'm getting the impression that her plan for dealing with all of this is just to wait it out - she figures that if I get to the point where I'm not yelling at her or ignoring her, then she can just pretend that it's all fixed and she doesn't have to do anything else.

Even when she's upset about it, it's mostly in a self-centered way - she's worried about what's going to happen to her if I leave, or how she can't imagine being on her own. And of course she's got a list of reasons a mile long why she thinks all of this happened. She's not explicitly blaming ME for it (not yet, anyway) but she doesn't seem inclined to place much of the blame on herself.

radioheader · 08-31-2007, 09:31 AM

i have caught my husband twice over the last 15 years of our marriage...and this last time, was a much more involved affair...i agree with mrmaximum...i think that if she were truly sorry you would feel it from her over a period of time...the trust will only come back over a period of time thru her actions not words!...as for me, my trust is gone...and will never return...good luck

i agree that if she wouldn've told you (i asked mine a few times) about it, it would've made you feel so much better than finding out from someone else or in another way...i didn't snoop (that's not my personality) i got a call from the other husband...ouch!

08-29-2007, 11:29 AM	#1
dl115 Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Gender: Male Posts: 18	Sorry, or just sorry that they got caught? Related to my previous thread... My wife had an emotional affair with an ex-boyfriend (which she confessed to) and then resumed the emotional affair months later and followed it up with a physical affair (which I had to find out about on my own weeks after it happened). I have a general question to any of you who have been cheated on and had to find out about it on your own (your SO didn't confess to it). Of course, she says that she is sorry, so so sorry, but part of me is thinking, "are you really sorry, or just sorry that you got caught?" I mean, if you cheat on someone you love, and it's just tearing you up inside, wouldn't you feel like you had no choice but to tell them about it? If you were really sorry? And if it's something that makes you feel that terrible, why didn't any of that keep you from doing it in the first place? She said, "well I didn't want you to find out" and "I just wanted to forget that it ever happened", and that makes me think that it's more along the "sorry I got caught" line. And I've read lots of the stories on this board. Some people cheat, and hide it for months or years before it all comes out. The cheating is bad enough, but the idea that someone who says that they love you could look you in the eye day after day, knowing that everything they are telling you is a lie and knowing that you are still sitting there trusting them...that almost seems even worse. So what do you think? Are cheaters who hide it and get found out later really sorry for what they've done, or are they just sorry that they have to actually face the consequences? And how can you tell the difference?

08-29-2007, 12:42 PM	#3
Meow18 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: IL Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 2,884	Honestly, I think that more times than not, they are just sorry they got caught. And maybe she's sorry for hurting you that way, but how convienant that she only says so when she's caught. Trust me, if you didn't find out about it on your own, you still wouldn't know. I really believe that most people would carry on with what they are doing if they were never caught. I mean, if the person you supposedly love isn't enough, then what reason do they really have a reason to stop? __________________ Committing your love to someone means losing the chance to experience another person's love. So just be sure the person you are committed to deserves your love or else it’s not worth the sacrifice. Forget who hurt you yesterday, but don't forget who loves you today.

08-29-2007, 12:44 PM	#4
shes2smart Online Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: same world, different server Gender: Female Age: 45 Posts: 5,139	If my ex had had enough spine to get in my face and say, "Yeah, I did it and I'm not sorry," I might've had to at least give him some credit for having a backbone. Not a lot of credit, since he was engaging in sneaky and hiding behaviors. Someone with a spine of steel would've been overt in what they were doing from the get-go, y'know? I still woulda left, though. With an apology, I suppose some people would be placated enough to give it another go. To a cheater, I suppose that's a better option. __________________ "But there's no use crying over every mistake You just keep on trying til you run out of cake"

08-30-2007, 07:28 PM	#8
karvala Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Gender: None Specified Posts: 2,330	I think in mosy cases it is actually both: they are sorry they got caught, but also sorry for what they did. The reason is that the real shame about the action tends to come only when seeing the most painful consequences of it, and that only becomes visible when they actually get caught. This is one reason why cheaters who don't get caught in their first affair are statistically much more likely to cheat again than cheaters who do get caught; they never see the full pain that the cheating causes, and so are not deterred from doing it again. I know some otherwise highly moral and generally decent people who have cheated, and it's always slightly mystified me. What seems to be common in all cases is that they have an ability to justify the act in their own mind ("we'd broken up in my mind", "she wasn't paying me enough attention" etc.), an ability to justify long-term deception about the act ("I didn't want to hurt her by telling her"), and an ability to act around the person being cheated on in a way that reveals no problems prior to the act ("I love you, Hon", just before going and cheating). These seem to be the three deadly ingredients for a persistent cheater, and I emphasise: at the time of cheating, the cheaters really, genuinely believe this self-deception. __________________ May you live all the days of your life Trying to heal from after a breakup? Perhaps you need Enhanced No Contact: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?p=1438257

08-29-2007, 12:21 PM	#2
Dako Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Gender: None Specified Posts: 9,115	What else is there to say when your life is at risk of collapse? Politicians, jocks and priests are famous for scripted remorse as damage control. Same thing.

08-29-2007, 12:53 PM	#5
beauty21 Offline Gold Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 960	She's sorry she got caught. You can't tell the difference between the two. But I tell you this, if she was sorry for what she did, then she wouldn't have done it in the first place.

08-29-2007, 05:21 PM	#7
TechResQ Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Kansas City Gender: Female Posts: 1,039	Good point dl115!!! I caught mine, yeah he says he's sorry. Don't know if he would have told me, but I did actually ask him that question. His answer..."eventually, I would have told you, because I knew I didn't want to be with her, I wanted to be with you". SOOOO is that a big line of B.S.? I don't know... Anyway, what I have learned from my experience with this subject is to trust my gut feeling. It doesn't lie. Peace.

08-31-2007, 09:31 AM	#10
radioheader Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: southeast, usa Gender: Female Posts: 187	i have caught my husband twice over the last 15 years of our marriage...and this last time, was a much more involved affair...i agree with mrmaximum...i think that if she were truly sorry you would feel it from her over a period of time...the trust will only come back over a period of time thru her actions not words!...as for me, my trust is gone...and will never return...good luck i agree that if she wouldn've told you (i asked mine a few times) about it, it would've made you feel so much better than finding out from someone else or in another way...i didn't snoop (that's not my personality) i got a call from the other husband...ouch!