I am very, very sad and feel addicted to her

riptide · 08-24-2007, 02:47 PM

I am glad I found this forum and read some helpful advice on here, I decided to write in...(I hope it is not too long, sorry...)

I met this girl whom I feel deep in love with. I only went out with her 4 months , but spent lots of time with her. We didn't live together , but stayed the night we each other like on weekends often. We got along wonderfully, and I felt she was the best girlfriend I have ever had. I had chemistry, attraction, and loved her heart/personality. She brought out the best in me. She seemed to feel the same about me. Writing I love notes, audio on my phone, telling me she never met any guy like me ever.
She has been married two times and divorced 2 times. I have never been married. She has been abused physically, and sexually some as a child. She was in foster care, and abused by step mother. She was diagnosed with lymph cancer 2 years ago, nearly died, lost all her hair, and has recovered before I met her. She is not completely divorced yet from the second marriage. She said they had an agreement they could date other people before the finalized divorce. She is really trying to get the divorce. She is one of the sweetest, kindest girls I have ever met in my life. We went and looked at rings together, and she wrote me saying she will be my future wife several times. She does not communicate very well. She would rather not say anything and tell you an hour into it she does not like where you are because she doesn't want to ruin your time there. She then told me all of a sudden

after 4 months she was scared , frustrated , and stressed out. I was and am still in shock somewhat. She says she needs her space. This really confuses me! It is such a struggle (I mean like addiction) to not see her. I drove to her house 2 times this week and saw her. She was nice and told me she didn't know what she wanted....
But, the second time I showed up (with the key she gave me to her place) I called and got no answer, then I knocked no answer, so I opened the door and called to her. I asked her if she wanted the key back, and she said yes. I guess that is a good thing since it is so hard for me to not contact her! The second time I saw her I asked her about the future and she said she didn't think we would ever be together. She also said she needed sanity, didn't know what she wanted, wasn't sure what she was going to do. This really hurt me.
Finally, I am not perfect, I made mistakes, but I treated her very well, like a gentleman, she says this. I was committed to her and loyal. I try to live a christian life, and she has stated she doesn't understand some things and I make an issue of too many things about religion. I am also confused about her beliefs, she went to church with me, agreed with me, says she is a christian, I never tried to push or convince her of things, but she said she feels scared sometimes in the church. One last thing she said to me is she doesn't feel like she could ever be good enough. I told her I love her just as she is! I told her I am no better than her! she says I put her on a pedastal. I love her with all my heart and can't believe this has happened. I am told to give her space.
We told each other we can be friends and go out to eat, etc together. We both then said this would be hard! She said she couldn't stand to see me with any girl, I said the same to her and we both said we love each other. I still can't believe this happened ,and have to take 1 day, 1 hour, at a time. Sorry for rambling on. Any advice. Sad, and torn to pieces on the East Coast

Lana0120 · 08-24-2007, 03:02 PM

It sounds as if she still cares about you. I am guessing that what she means is that while you view her as a perfect, wonderful, person, and in your eyes none of your beliefs or anything diminish her in your eyes. However, she feels as though she is not the person you think she is and that she can never live up to those standards and that one day, you'll think that you made a big mistake. I am also interested in knowing what views you have that she isn't sure about and her discomfort about going into church. Perhaps she views herself as a christian, but goes to church, for you, rather than for herself? I know quite a few people who consider themselves christians who don't go to church.

Clabs · 08-24-2007, 05:14 PM

Hey riptide, and welcome to ENA.

I am sorry you are in this land of confusion right now, but I can tell you that you have come to the right place because you will get a lot of good advice on here.

I take special interest here because your situation is very similar to my recent relationship.

Your ex clearly has had a pretty poor life by most peoples standards. And she is only just coming out of a divorce. There are some huge red flags there. I didn't even give mine a second thought because we had so much history.

The fact is that you were almost certainly a rebound for her. Someone I believe, subconsciencely leant on you to get through the demise of her marriage.

I got all the messages you got - I don't know what I want, I miss you, I love you. It is as confusing as hell. I first of all took this to mean that she wanted back with her ex or someone else but I know she is still moping about at her mums at weekends, working mental hours and when she does go out - she just gets plastered. The last I heard, she had fallen and broken her pretty nose.

I don't know - I think I would prefer if there was a REAL reason or at least one I could SEE - You smell, you are too small, I found someone better, I;m shagging my boss - anything.

All I can say is that this has been the worst and most confusing breakup I have ever gone through - one that I still struggle to deal with at times. I have a feeling that you may be will find it similarly hard.

So what to take from this? You may well never get a proper answer. Some people do this as a cowardly way out, but sometimes, I really do think that some people are so muddled and lost and have such a low opinion of themselves that the only person who can find them is them.

I think that all you can do is walk away and forget about them. You can only help so far and if that help is pushed away - what can you do?

Look upon this as a lost cause. If she eventually comes back to you, that is great, but no amount of trying to help will do any good - if they cannot find themselves, they sure won't find you.

Mark

riptide · 08-24-2007, 06:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lana0120

It sounds as if she still cares about you. I am guessing that what she means is that while you view her as a perfect, wonderful, person, and in your eyes none of your beliefs or anything diminish her in your eyes. However, she feels as though she is not the person you think she is and that she can never live up to those standards and that one day, you'll think that you made a big mistake. I am also interested in knowing what views you have that she isn't sure about and her discomfort about going into church. Perhaps she views herself as a christian, but goes to church, for you, rather than for herself? I know quite a few people who consider themselves christians who don't go to church.

Ok, thanks for the response,
I think this is a big problem between us, not because of me, but because of her perception!
Well, Lana, I don't really understand it! It is frustrating! I am saved by Jesus Christ, want to live for him, try to go to church regularly, try to drink moderately, try to wait to have sex until marriage, try to love others, try to help those down and out, etc. She has a wonderful heart and loves people , but says she doesn't understand all the rules...I say , what rules? I think she means the standards a Christian tries to live by...I really don't know what her relationship with Jesus Christ is...
for example, I don't think it is right (I have failed) to have sex until marriage, or at least be committed and marrying that person. I don't know that she was concerned about this....I don't think she felt it was wrong (we slept together).
I try to watch what movies, music I listen to....I don't think she understands this...
most of my close friends are christians, most of her friends are not...and like to party...
A couple said to her "your boyfriend isn't a partier, is he?" Well, I hope I am not...
I try not to cuss.....she told me she used to cuss a lot...
But, she changed in ways when I went out with her....I was very proud of her...I didn't push her, or pressure her (I didn't think I did), she went to Church with me, she went to a small study group with me....
I don't know why she is scared at the church? I have no idea?? I think it is sad. The church is supposed to be a hospital for hurt people. She is hurt.
She asks questions to me...I gave her some books like Joel Osteen's book. I told her I love her as she is and I am no better than her. But, I don't think she feels like this, and she feels she can never be the person I want.......(not true)
I know she can grow as a christian if she opens her heart to God. She says she is a christian, but I don't know if she is, she says she prays for me, and I pray for her too..
I prayed with her a few times, but she just told me she does not like to pray together, she doesn't feel comfortable...she told me she thought I was extreme( I am not, if anything I need to shape up with God's help). I do believe she still cares about me because the wrote me 2 1/2 weeks ago saying she thanks God for me every day, I was sent to her from God, and I will be a great husband...now we are broke up!

riptide · 08-24-2007, 06:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clabs

Hey riptide, and welcome to ENA.

I am sorry you are in this land of confusion right now, but I can tell you that you have come to the right place because you will get a lot of good advice on here.

I take special interest here because your situation is very similar to my recent relationship.

Your ex clearly has had a pretty poor life by most peoples standards. And she is only just coming out of a divorce. There are some huge red flags there. I didn't even give mine a second thought because we had so much history.

The fact is that you were almost certainly a rebound for her. Someone I believe, subconsciencely leant on you to get through the demise of her marriage.

I got all the messages you got - I don't know what I want, I miss you, I love you. It is as confusing as hell. I first of all took this to mean that she wanted back with her ex or someone else but I know she is still moping about at her mums at weekends, working mental hours and when she does go out - she just gets plastered. The last I heard, she had fallen and broken her pretty nose.

I don't know - I think I would prefer if there was a REAL reason or at least one I could SEE - You smell, you are too small, I found someone better, I;m shagging my boss - anything.

All I can say is that this has been the worst and most confusing breakup I have ever gone through - one that I still struggle to deal with at times. I have a feeling that you may be will find it similarly hard.

So what to take from this? You may well never get a proper answer. Some people do this as a cowardly way out, but sometimes, I really do think that some people are so muddled and lost and have such a low opinion of themselves that the only person who can find them is them.

I think that all you can do is walk away and forget about them. You can only help so far and if that help is pushed away - what can you do?

Look upon this as a lost cause. If she eventually comes back to you, that is great, but no amount of trying to help will do any good - if they cannot find themselves, they sure won't find you.

Mark

Mark, Thank you man. I am sorry you have gone through this too! She has been divorced for 1 year, I don't think I am rebound, but I don't think she is confused and scared to death of making another mistake!
I have to tell you , I have a friend that I met her through, the friend has known her for years, she told me at the beginning she is not ready to date anyone! I didn't listen ...I was attracted to her , and she me. We went out and went fast! I now talk to the friend, and she says I can't believe you went so fast, looked at rings, and talked about marriage (she wrote me recently saying she was my future wife) , she said she dated other guys after her divorce and would find something with everyone , and break up after 1 month (she admitted this to me too). But, she said I was different...we lasted 4 months. The friend said that is because she really loves you. The friend says you have to give her space, not call or see her...which is a nightmare. Mark, your advice sounds pretty good, and it sucks you have gone through it too. It does leave us hanging with disbelief...she did come up with reasons why she didn't want to be with me, but they were very petty....it seems she just wanted to have some reasons, really, because she said througout, I am stressed, frustrated, and scared!
The friend tells me it is all about fear, and that she loves me and will be back with me. I don't know if I believe this, and I can't live with that hope all the time, you know what I mean...
I think you are right, I have done all I can, I can pray for her, when I asked what to pray for her for, she said sanity and guidance!
It just sucks , but you are right Mark, I don't believe she has taken the cowardly way out, I think she really loves me, I believe it is the second thought you offered about her low self image, and confused! Thanks for the response, and I really hope you are healing Mark. I pray your hear heals too man.

Lana0120 · 08-24-2007, 06:44 PM

Well, I can see her point of view. Whichever way you put it, being able to do or not being able to do certain things are rules - standards laid down by religion are rules, laws are rules. Perhaps she feels restricted by these rules? I don't know. It sounds like she has a certain way of living her life and that you have a certain way of living yours. She has made some compromises, but perhaps she just doesn't think those compromises will be enough for your relationship to work?

08-24-2007, 02:47 PM	#1
riptide Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 3	I am very, very sad and feel addicted to her I am glad I found this forum and read some helpful advice on here, I decided to write in...(I hope it is not too long, sorry...) I met this girl whom I feel deep in love with. I only went out with her 4 months , but spent lots of time with her. We didn't live together , but stayed the night we each other like on weekends often. We got along wonderfully, and I felt she was the best girlfriend I have ever had. I had chemistry, attraction, and loved her heart/personality. She brought out the best in me. She seemed to feel the same about me. Writing I love notes, audio on my phone, telling me she never met any guy like me ever. She has been married two times and divorced 2 times. I have never been married. She has been abused physically, and sexually some as a child. She was in foster care, and abused by step mother. She was diagnosed with lymph cancer 2 years ago, nearly died, lost all her hair, and has recovered before I met her. She is not completely divorced yet from the second marriage. She said they had an agreement they could date other people before the finalized divorce. She is really trying to get the divorce. She is one of the sweetest, kindest girls I have ever met in my life. We went and looked at rings together, and she wrote me saying she will be my future wife several times. She does not communicate very well. She would rather not say anything and tell you an hour into it she does not like where you are because she doesn't want to ruin your time there. She then told me all of a sudden after 4 months she was scared , frustrated , and stressed out. I was and am still in shock somewhat. She says she needs her space. This really confuses me! It is such a struggle (I mean like addiction) to not see her. I drove to her house 2 times this week and saw her. She was nice and told me she didn't know what she wanted.... But, the second time I showed up (with the key she gave me to her place) I called and got no answer, then I knocked no answer, so I opened the door and called to her. I asked her if she wanted the key back, and she said yes. I guess that is a good thing since it is so hard for me to not contact her! The second time I saw her I asked her about the future and she said she didn't think we would ever be together. She also said she needed sanity, didn't know what she wanted, wasn't sure what she was going to do. This really hurt me. Finally, I am not perfect, I made mistakes, but I treated her very well, like a gentleman, she says this. I was committed to her and loyal. I try to live a christian life, and she has stated she doesn't understand some things and I make an issue of too many things about religion. I am also confused about her beliefs, she went to church with me, agreed with me, says she is a christian, I never tried to push or convince her of things, but she said she feels scared sometimes in the church. One last thing she said to me is she doesn't feel like she could ever be good enough. I told her I love her just as she is! I told her I am no better than her! she says I put her on a pedastal. I love her with all my heart and can't believe this has happened. I am told to give her space. We told each other we can be friends and go out to eat, etc together. We both then said this would be hard! She said she couldn't stand to see me with any girl, I said the same to her and we both said we love each other. I still can't believe this happened ,and have to take 1 day, 1 hour, at a time. Sorry for rambling on. Any advice. Sad, and torn to pieces on the East Coast

08-24-2007, 03:02 PM	#2
Lana0120 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 3,465	It sounds as if she still cares about you. I am guessing that what she means is that while you view her as a perfect, wonderful, person, and in your eyes none of your beliefs or anything diminish her in your eyes. However, she feels as though she is not the person you think she is and that she can never live up to those standards and that one day, you'll think that you made a big mistake. I am also interested in knowing what views you have that she isn't sure about and her discomfort about going into church. Perhaps she views herself as a christian, but goes to church, for you, rather than for herself? I know quite a few people who consider themselves christians who don't go to church.

08-24-2007, 05:14 PM	#3
Clabs Online Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Gender: Male Age: 49 Posts: 3,722	Hey riptide, and welcome to ENA. I am sorry you are in this land of confusion right now, but I can tell you that you have come to the right place because you will get a lot of good advice on here. I take special interest here because your situation is very similar to my recent relationship. Your ex clearly has had a pretty poor life by most peoples standards. And she is only just coming out of a divorce. There are some huge red flags there. I didn't even give mine a second thought because we had so much history. The fact is that you were almost certainly a rebound for her. Someone I believe, subconsciencely leant on you to get through the demise of her marriage. I got all the messages you got - I don't know what I want, I miss you, I love you. It is as confusing as hell. I first of all took this to mean that she wanted back with her ex or someone else but I know she is still moping about at her mums at weekends, working mental hours and when she does go out - she just gets plastered. The last I heard, she had fallen and broken her pretty nose. I don't know - I think I would prefer if there was a REAL reason or at least one I could SEE - You smell, you are too small, I found someone better, I;m shagging my boss - anything. All I can say is that this has been the worst and most confusing breakup I have ever gone through - one that I still struggle to deal with at times. I have a feeling that you may be will find it similarly hard. So what to take from this? You may well never get a proper answer. Some people do this as a cowardly way out, but sometimes, I really do think that some people are so muddled and lost and have such a low opinion of themselves that the only person who can find them is them. I think that all you can do is walk away and forget about them. You can only help so far and if that help is pushed away - what can you do? Look upon this as a lost cause. If she eventually comes back to you, that is great, but no amount of trying to help will do any good - if they cannot find themselves, they sure won't find you. Mark

08-24-2007, 06:44 PM	#6
Lana0120 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 3,465	Well, I can see her point of view. Whichever way you put it, being able to do or not being able to do certain things are rules - standards laid down by religion are rules, laws are rules. Perhaps she feels restricted by these rules? I don't know. It sounds like she has a certain way of living her life and that you have a certain way of living yours. She has made some compromises, but perhaps she just doesn't think those compromises will be enough for your relationship to work?