Need a female's advice on an issue

MarkD · 08-24-2007, 01:12 PM

I guess men can respond as well...

I was with my GF for 4 years. During that time...I use to go to a porn site for "visual stimulation". We did not live together yet (were about to buy a house) but on Monday nights, she had practices so we would not see eachother. I didn't go every Monday...but i did check out the site every now and then for a "quick fix". My GF was very shy and naiive when it came to porn and masterbation. I never told her about the site because I knew she would think I was a weirdo for masterbating looking at other women. I did not do it to hurt her or because I didn't love her or didn't find her attractive, I just did it when I had the urge.

One night she was on my computer and she came across the site. She was really upset and considers it cheating. I tried to explain the situation, but she has it stuck in her head that I had some kind of relationship with the girls I was looking at.

We have been broken up now for 3 months now. She said that site was one of the main reasons for the breakup. I never cheated on her and I never would. I told her I wasn't proud of going to the site, but also told her I never would have gone if I knew she considered it cheating.

Am I a bad person for doing this?

Clementine orange · 08-24-2007, 01:21 PM

Alot of women are kinda weird about this kind of thing. I wish they understood men more. This seems to be a common subject on here. I think you are right when you say your g/f was naaive about this kind of thing.
After all, is looking at porn any different than masturbating to some fantasy in one's head (that isn't about the g/f)
I'm sorry she broke up with you over this. I think in time she will realize that alot of men do this.

Some don't though so don't flame me.

one could also make the point that women reading romance novels could be the same in a way. I've read a few - they are pretty steamy.

Sorry, Im a guy

Lana0120 · 08-24-2007, 01:29 PM

I wouldn't say that you're a bad person, but why did you need to do it if in a satisfying relationship already? That, I don't understand.

melissa_74 · 08-24-2007, 01:35 PM

That's harsh that she broke mainly because of the porn . More women now a days should come to terms with porn . There's really no biggy with it . Althought I know some women feel tremendously insulted by their man watching porn, because they feel that they are not good enough because their man needs porn as well.
Maybe it's the case where she felt insulted, maybe at the time she needed reasurance ?

JeckyllNHyde · 08-24-2007, 01:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clementine orange

Alot of women are kinda weird about this kind of thing. I wish they understood men more. This seems to be a common subject on here. I think you are right when you say your g/f was naaive about this kind of thing.
After all, is looking at porn any different than masturbating to some fantasy in one's head (that isn't about the g/f)
I'm sorry she broke up with you over this. I think in time she will realize that alot of men do this.

Some don't though so don't flame me.

one could also make the point that women reading romance novels could be the same in a way. I've read a few - they are pretty steamy.

Sorry, Im a guy

I am a female and I totally agree with this. For me, I have never had a problem with a BF looking at porn, as long as it's not something like livecams, etc. But DVD's and downloaded/uninteractive porn I have no problem with. I myself would look at porn if I felt like it so why can't a guy do it.
Some women just see it differently and see it as cheating. I just see it as a an aid to masterbate (or like clementine orange said: fanstasy).
You aren't a bad guy for doing this. I just don't know how your ex will realize this though.
I do however believe it would have helped if you had told her and been honest though.

JeckyllNHyde · 08-24-2007, 01:39 PM

I think she felt more insulted b/c she felt her Bf was doing something behind her back. Somewhat (ok, I know this sounds dramatic) of a "double life". And she probably associated it with the feeling you get when someone cheats on you (lies).

russ978 · 08-24-2007, 01:41 PM

Admitted, sometimes, us guys like to watch porn.

I've never watched porn when a girlfriend was around because I'd rather do the real thing...unless the girl is into that kind of thing.

She listed the site as a main reason for your breakup. Obviously, she is against porn and expressed that she viewed this as 'cheating.' It is doubtful that a reconcilliation is possible when you have what she views as a horrible habit.

I'd move on and just be a little more careful with handling the situation if it comes up again with a future woman. Someone who would break up with you over such a small thing. (Sorry to those who think porn is horrible but get over it...guys watch porn)

You didn't mention how you handled it when she found the site. Did you just try to brush it off when she expressed concern? Did you get really defensive/angry when she voiced concern?

Most reasonable women realize that their boyfriends have porn collections and shouldn't be suprized if they find some porn while snooping around on their SO's computer. As long as you aren't pushing porn on her or saying "I want to try something I saw in a porno" or "You look just like XYZ porn star," it shouldn't be an issue.

MarkD · 08-24-2007, 02:29 PM

thanks for the feedback everyone.

To start..Lana..the only reason i did was when I wasn't able to have the real thing with my GF since we did not see eachother on Mondays. I have NEVER said no to sex or anything with her because of replacing it with porn...I love her very much and loved being with her and getting the real thing.

As far as how I reacted...probably the worst way..I got angry and defensive (it was a terrible reaction on my part). I knew she was going to be very upset and did not know how to deal with it. I talked to her the next day and apologized for the way I behaved. I made it very clear to her that it was never a replacement kinda thing. I think she has some self loving issues and just felt that I was flirting and thinking of other women while we weren't together and that she didn't feel like I cared enough about her.

We did have communication issues in our relationship...but I wish we could work this out together.

ycmanvs · 08-24-2007, 02:50 PM

This is a very tough issue. Most people understand that pornography is a part of life. However, women who find it offensive feel very strongly about it and there is nothing you can do to change their minds. Of course it is not cheating, but if the woman believes that it is, then that is alwyas how she will see it.
Since you said that there were communication issues, it is probably for the best that this relationship ended.

MarkD · 08-24-2007, 03:10 PM

We were together for 4 years though...and we were best friends and had amazing times and we both had a hard time sharing some of our feelings...but it just doesn't seem right to end a relationship over that. maybe I just can't let her go. It's just really difficult because I pictured being with her forever

We are just about to buy a home together...and I wouldn't have needed the damn site because she would be coming home to me....even if we didn't have sex...I would have loved to just sleep in the same bed as her every night. No need for porn when you have that.

08-24-2007, 01:12 PM	#1
MarkD Offline Silver Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Gender: Male Age: 33 Posts: 371	Need a female's advice on an issue I guess men can respond as well... I was with my GF for 4 years. During that time...I use to go to a porn site for "visual stimulation". We did not live together yet (were about to buy a house) but on Monday nights, she had practices so we would not see eachother. I didn't go every Monday...but i did check out the site every now and then for a "quick fix". My GF was very shy and naiive when it came to porn and masterbation. I never told her about the site because I knew she would think I was a weirdo for masterbating looking at other women. I did not do it to hurt her or because I didn't love her or didn't find her attractive, I just did it when I had the urge. One night she was on my computer and she came across the site. She was really upset and considers it cheating. I tried to explain the situation, but she has it stuck in her head that I had some kind of relationship with the girls I was looking at. We have been broken up now for 3 months now. She said that site was one of the main reasons for the breakup. I never cheated on her and I never would. I told her I wasn't proud of going to the site, but also told her I never would have gone if I knew she considered it cheating. Am I a bad person for doing this?

08-24-2007, 01:35 PM	#4
melissa_74 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Canada Gender: Female Posts: 44	That's harsh that she broke mainly because of the porn . More women now a days should come to terms with porn . There's really no biggy with it . Althought I know some women feel tremendously insulted by their man watching porn, because they feel that they are not good enough because their man needs porn as well. Maybe it's the case where she felt insulted, maybe at the time she needed reasurance ? __________________ =p

08-24-2007, 01:39 PM	#6
JeckyllNHyde Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Gender: Female Age: 23 Posts: 5,205	I think she felt more insulted b/c she felt her Bf was doing something behind her back. Somewhat (ok, I know this sounds dramatic) of a "double life". And she probably associated it with the feeling you get when someone cheats on you (lies). __________________ You're just too good to be true... Can't take my eyes off of you...

08-24-2007, 01:41 PM	#7
russ978 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Age: 27 Posts: 609	Admitted, sometimes, us guys like to watch porn. I've never watched porn when a girlfriend was around because I'd rather do the real thing...unless the girl is into that kind of thing. She listed the site as a main reason for your breakup. Obviously, she is against porn and expressed that she viewed this as 'cheating.' It is doubtful that a reconcilliation is possible when you have what she views as a horrible habit. I'd move on and just be a little more careful with handling the situation if it comes up again with a future woman. Someone who would break up with you over such a small thing. (Sorry to those who think porn is horrible but get over it...guys watch porn) You didn't mention how you handled it when she found the site. Did you just try to brush it off when she expressed concern? Did you get really defensive/angry when she voiced concern? Most reasonable women realize that their boyfriends have porn collections and shouldn't be suprized if they find some porn while snooping around on their SO's computer. As long as you aren't pushing porn on her or saying "I want to try something I saw in a porno" or "You look just like XYZ porn star," it shouldn't be an issue. __________________ “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” A.A. Milne

08-24-2007, 01:21 PM	#2
Clementine orange Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: La Belle Province Gender: Male Posts: 3,665	Alot of women are kinda weird about this kind of thing. I wish they understood men more. This seems to be a common subject on here. I think you are right when you say your g/f was naaive about this kind of thing. After all, is looking at porn any different than masturbating to some fantasy in one's head (that isn't about the g/f) I'm sorry she broke up with you over this. I think in time she will realize that alot of men do this. Some don't though so don't flame me. one could also make the point that women reading romance novels could be the same in a way. I've read a few - they are pretty steamy. Sorry, Im a guy

08-24-2007, 01:29 PM	#3
Lana0120 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 3,467	I wouldn't say that you're a bad person, but why did you need to do it if in a satisfying relationship already? That, I don't understand.

08-24-2007, 02:29 PM	#8
MarkD Offline Silver Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Gender: Male Age: 33 Posts: 371	thanks for the feedback everyone. To start..Lana..the only reason i did was when I wasn't able to have the real thing with my GF since we did not see eachother on Mondays. I have NEVER said no to sex or anything with her because of replacing it with porn...I love her very much and loved being with her and getting the real thing. As far as how I reacted...probably the worst way..I got angry and defensive (it was a terrible reaction on my part). I knew she was going to be very upset and did not know how to deal with it. I talked to her the next day and apologized for the way I behaved. I made it very clear to her that it was never a replacement kinda thing. I think she has some self loving issues and just felt that I was flirting and thinking of other women while we weren't together and that she didn't feel like I cared enough about her. We did have communication issues in our relationship...but I wish we could work this out together.

08-24-2007, 02:50 PM	#9
ycmanvs Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: New England Gender: None Specified Posts: 2,836	This is a very tough issue. Most people understand that pornography is a part of life. However, women who find it offensive feel very strongly about it and there is nothing you can do to change their minds. Of course it is not cheating, but if the woman believes that it is, then that is alwyas how she will see it. Since you said that there were communication issues, it is probably for the best that this relationship ended.

08-24-2007, 03:10 PM	#10
MarkD Offline Silver Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Gender: Male Age: 33 Posts: 371	We were together for 4 years though...and we were best friends and had amazing times and we both had a hard time sharing some of our feelings...but it just doesn't seem right to end a relationship over that. maybe I just can't let her go. It's just really difficult because I pictured being with her forever We are just about to buy a home together...and I wouldn't have needed the damn site because she would be coming home to me....even if we didn't have sex...I would have loved to just sleep in the same bed as her every night. No need for porn when you have that.