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"You deserve better than me."


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I was talking to someone at work yesterday, and it turns out we both got the same speech: that we "deserve better." What does it really mean when a guy says this? That he can't commit?

 

That just seems too simple, like a cop-out.

 

Thoughts?

 

Put simply yes.

 

Us blokes are quite simple at heart and thats exactly what he means.

 

Its the mans version of the womens "I need space" meaning they are questioning the relationship without communicating.

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hmmmmm... the first thing that come's to mind is a song that is currently on the top 40...

 

"Better Than Me"

 

I think you can do much better than me

After all the lies that I made you believe

Guilt kicks in and I start to see

The edge of the bed

Where your nightgown used to be

I told myself I won't miss you

But I remember

What it feels like beside you

I really miss your hair in my face

And the way your innocence tastes

And I think you should know this

You deserve much better than me

 

While looking through your old box of notes

I found those pictures I took

That you were looking for

If there's one memory I don't want to lose

That time at the mall

You and me in the dressing room

I told myself I won't miss you

But I remember

What it feels like beside you

I really miss your hair in my face

And the way your innocence tastes

And I think you should know this

You deserve much better than me

 

The bed I'm lying in is getting colder

Wish I never would've said it's over

And I can't pretend... I won't think about you when I'm older

Cause we never really had our closure

This can't be the end

I really miss your hair in my face

And the way your innocence tastes

And I think you should know this

You deserve much better than me

I really miss your hair in my face

And the way your innocence tastes

And I think you should know this

You deserve much better than me

(And I think you should know this)

(You deserve much better than me)

 

 

 

 

 

 

When you hear...."You deserve better than me" is this someone being NOBLE and stepping away? or a cop out?

 

Depends on the person delivering the speach. I recently walked away from someone, not because they deserve "BETTER" than me... I am the best. But he deserved younger than me. He deserved to get married for the first time and have his own kids. I've got a decade on him and I've had my children. So I'm not necesarrily sending him out for "Better" than me... I guess I wouldn't want regrets later on his part. I think he got it. He didn't ask why.... but had he asked... I would have gladly expounded on my reasons.

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I was told the exact same thing by the ex. He said "you deserve better than me. I cant give you what you want, kids, etc. I am a loser, I will never amount to anything, I am nothing. Im not ready for that", etc. My questions is this - "then why were we looking for an apt together over a year ago, why did you say you couldnt wait to live with me and spend the rest of your life with me and have kids, etc now all of a sudden you cant give me what I want". My answer to him was "yes you can, you just dont want to".

 

This kind of stuff that's said to us really makes us think. It makes us question ourselves - "Are we not good enough", "whats wrong with us" - "do they really want these things, but with someone else". How do we know that in their mind they dont think that they can do better than us and they just turn it around and say it to us. Its very hurtful and deceitful and thats what gets me the most. Thats why i think im having a really hard time getting over him, because I know hes totally moved on after only 2 months of being apart and who knows if he's with someone else, but they will never be able to fill my shoes - you best believe that!

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Bah! I tend to think it's a cowardly way. It insulates from criticism.

 

Can't be harsh on someone who beats ya to the punch, right? That'd just be mean. lol.

 

It means they are moving on without you. And don't know how to break it to you in a way that expresses self responsibility and choice.

 

Good riddance.

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It's definitely a cop-out, or a way to let you down "easily," in their minds. A couple of times during our relationship, my (now ex) boyfriend told me that I deserve better than him and couldn't fathom what I saw in him. Of course, I reassured him that he was so great, generous, etc. (and he really was at that time).

 

Then, after 19 months, he dumped me, saying that he couldn't give me what I wanted (commitment) and that I deserved to find someone who could, and that he had to work on his issues and be alone. I later found out that he "couldn't give me what I wanted" because he left me for another woman (and he is a commitmentphobe). So, cop-out is my conclusion.

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Escritoramel -

 

Of course it's a coward excuse!!! The problem with some people is that they don't realize that the people they are delivering the message to have a brain between their ears.

 

I'm all for always saying the truth, no matter how much it hurts. It is very selfish and coward to leave people obsessing about the true reasons of a break up. Be gentle but honest. In break ups, omitting and lying are the same thing.

 

LFG

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I was talking to someone at work yesterday, and it turns out we both got the same speech: that we "deserve better." What does it really mean when a guy says this? That he can't commit?

 

That just seems too simple, like a cop-out.

 

Thoughts?

 

I think it depends on the situation. Sometimes, the person really does feel like the other one "deserves better." They may truly feel sad that they can't live up to their needs or wants (be it having kids, a successful job, youth, health, whatever).

 

However, I think more often than not, it is something the dumper says to justify to themselves what they are doing. They are about to seriously hurt someone, but they will feel better about it if they let themselves truly believe that it is for the good of the other person. It helps relieve that guilt they are feeling.

 

I STILL get this from my ex. We swore we'd stay friends, and for awhile now I've been sending him just little monthly email updates on my life, what I am doing with myself. The last one I got back from him said "you really do much better without me around." Well.. curious enough, he won't email me back anymore. Soo... he pulled that "you are better off" thing once again to justify losing contact with me it seems, even though not that long ago, he swore he wanted to keep me in his life. (Truthfully, I think his new girlfriend has just forbidden him from contacting me).

 

So yeah... most often.... its a cop out. It lets someone feel like they are leaving you on a kind and caring note. But the bottom line is, they are leaving you, and you being "better off" probably isn't the real reason.

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It's definitely a cop-out, or a way to let you down "easily," in their minds. A couple of times during our relationship, my (now ex) boyfriend told me that I deserve better than him and couldn't fathom what I saw in him. Of course, I reassured him that he was so great, generous, etc. (and he really was at that time).

 

Then, after 19 months, he dumped me, saying that he couldn't give me what I wanted (commitment) and that I deserved to find someone who could, and that he had to work on his issues and be alone. I later found out that he "couldn't give me what I wanted" because he left me for another woman (and he is a commitmentphobe). So, cop-out is my conclusion.

 

Wow Violingirl, your story sounds so much like what happened to me its eerie

Right down to my ex telling me numerous times over the course of our relationship that "I'm just no good at relationships... I think I'm destined to be alone." Yeah.. he's REAL alone now... real alone with the woman and her three kids that he left me for. Just can't wait to see how that one ends

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When someone says' "you deserve better than me" and basically insults them self, they are trying to make you feel better about things ending. They think you will magically say "Yeah, you're right!!! I will find someone better, thanks for doing this!!!" and give them a high-five as you walk out of the room.

 

Sometimes I sure it can be valid, to a point. My ex cheated on me, and the guilt tore her up. Even after I found out, and we tried to work on things, I don't think she ever felts she deserved to be treat so well by someone whom she hurt so deeply.......... oh yeah, and she was cheating on me again.

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if anyone tells you 'you deserve better'....take heed...cos theyre telling you the truth...they know something inside themselves that you dont...

 

but it has been used to justify the dumpers dumping like some self sacrifice and the greater good of some worthy cause

 

puh-leez...

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I completely agree with what you said. I also think that it's the dumpers way of making themselves feel "justified" for what they are doing and relieves their "guilt." They think that they are doing the dumpee a "favor" by disingenuously "sacrificing" you so that you "can meet someone better," when they are truly dumping you for their own selfish, self-serving reasons and are using this "technique" to throw the dumpee off course so they can get off scot-free, cover up their own bad behavior and still attempt to make the dumpee see them as a "good person."

 

My ex also told me that he wanted us to be "friends." We even had many long (3-4 hour) phone conversations last year to talk about what happened in our relationship and the breakup, which led me to believe that he wanted to still be a part of my life. However, he then refused to see me (haven't seem him since shortly after the break-up over 2 1/2 years ago) - I needed help looking for a new apartment at the time (he has a car) and later needed help with moving, but he let me down on both counts (after leading me to believe that he would help me). The second time, he told me that: "I need to make [the woman he left me for] my priority" (even though he had plenty of contact with his exes, one of whom was the woman he left me for, during our relationship, which led to this mess). When I asked him if [the woman he left me for] had prohibited him from seeing me, he denied it (I'm certain he was lying, because that's the kind of person that woman is). However, he did tell me that she and one of his other ex-girlfriends hated me, even though I never did anything to them (however, they were both directly and indirectly involved in our breakup), so that puts him in "a difficult position" with regard to me. Sickening, isn't it?

 

Since then, we haven't spoken much and then he started ignoring my occasional casual e-mails and stopped taking/returning my very occasional phone calls, so I've been in NC for 6 months now. I'm sure that his "girlfriend" has forbidden him from contacting me (it would take me too long to explain that "relationship," b/c it's just too weird based on what he told me).

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completely agree with what you said. I also think that it's the dumpers way of making themselves feel "justified" for what they are doing and relieves their "guilt." They think that they are doing the dumpee a "favor" by disingenuously "sacrificing" you so that you "can meet someone better," when they are truly dumping you for their own selfish, self-serving reasons and are using this "technique" to throw the dumpee off course so they can get off scot-free, cover up their own bad behavior and still attempt to make the dumpee see them as a "good person."

 

Volingirl I think you hit the nail on the head. They have their own selfish reasons be it whatever for not wanting to be with us anymore. They make us think they are leaving for the sake of us, so that we can find someone to give us what we want. Well you mean to tell me for 2 years you wanted the same things that I did (alledgedly) and now all of a sudden you dont. They feel justified in their actions and they talk themselves into it that we are better off without them, when truthfully if in fact we may be better off without them, then why didnt they take the proper steps to better themselves and or the relationship so they wouldnt think we needed someone else instead of them.

 

I hope this makes sense. It kind of did to me

 

Just a thought....

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Sickening, isn't it?

 

Darn right it is

 

Wow, though, that definitely sounds familiar. I think its the same with the woman my ex left me for. A mutual friend of ours (the ex and me, that is) has told me that the new girl is "very insecure" about me.

 

At first, my ex told me that she was "really concerned" that I was doing ok. He tried to make it sound as if they were both terribly worried about how I was holding up. Well... just a couple short months after that and I learn that both of them are much more concerned with getting rid of their own guilt. (And for her, getting rid of any possible 'competition'). *sigh*

 

I guess, even though the "better off" thing is a cop-out, sometimes you truly are better off though.

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Well... just a couple short months after that and I learn that both of them are much more concerned with getting rid of their own guilt. (And for her, getting rid of any possible 'competition'). *sigh*

 

I guess, even though the "better off" thing is a cop-out, sometimes you truly are better off though.

 

Definitely - they only care about themselves.

 

In my case, it gets more sickening. The "woman he left me for" was not a complete stranger. She was an ex-girlfriend of his (she's 15 years older than me and they had dated for 6 months about 13 years before we started dating) and he encouraged us to be friends when we were together, so I know her pretty well. We all hung out together occasionally for dinner and at his parents' house. I had figured that she wasn't a threat to our relationship, because both of them told me that they would never get back together and that they were just friends and had been for many years, and because they had been together so long ago. She even told me that she hoped that he and I would get married one day and that I was "good for him." I suppose that she was a good liar (and pretty two-faced, too).

 

A few weeks after the breakup, I suspected that he had left me for her and that they had planned everything out in advance and he had been cheating on me with her (gut instinct, plus he had been spending a lot of time with her in the 2 months before he broke up with me and I felt that his reason for the breakup was B.S.). I asked her if that was true on the phone at that time. Instead of responding to me, she hung up on me! Then, the next morning, she had the audacity to write me an e-mail saying how she was so "offended" that I would accuse her of such a thing and denied that anything was going on between her and my ex - that they were still "just friends." She said that she wrote the e-mail to me because she could tell that I would automatically "assume" that she was guilty because she had hung up the phone. She tried to play it so that I would feel guilty for accusing her of such a thing. That's how far she and my ex went to cover up what they were doing.

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I got that from my ex a few times during our relationship, mostly in the beginning. I come from an upper-middle class background, am entering my senior year of college, looking at law school, etc. In other words, I'm a motivated person, and I've had life fairly easy as far as money is concerned. His father left the family before he was born, he grew up lower class, dropped out of college, and is working as a mover. He's also biracial, which he blames a lot of his trials and tribulations on.

 

I think it just had to do with feeling inadequate. I could honestly believe that he felt he didn't deserve me, at least "on paper." In the last few months, he's gotten what amounts to a promotion and a raise, has moved into a nicer place, and his boss is talking about handing over the company to him in a few years, so now as we're trying to reconcile, I'm happy to see that some of these feelings of inadequacy seem to be dissipating.

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my ex cheated on me then broke up with me and told me i deserved better! oh really ya think?

 

its a cop out in my opinion

 

co-sign. very true! when my ex told me this and i was a bit confused. almost a year later, she was damn right. i do deserve better, to the max!

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Ugh! Again thats somewhat familiar, though I can't say I was really friends with the other woman. Actually... its kinda funny... in a strange sort of way that is. When he and I were getting ready to find a new place together, I had my sights set on a different location, but he talked me into his hometown, because he had a job opportunity there at the same place his dad works. So I reluctantly gave in.

 

Well, that job is where he ended up meeting this woman. And I met her a few times as well. She hung out with us together, as a couple. I was not a faceless victim to her. Though, thankfully, I never got to know her one on one, and so I never had reason to confront her. (though trust, me... boy did I want to a few times). Not only was my ex involved and living with me at the time, but this woman was living with someone else. Talk about your really loud "back the eff off" warning signs.

 

And people have made the point to me that "you can't steal someone who doesn't want to be stolen"... while maybe that is somewhat true, I still believe there are such things as respect and honesty. Why does "stealing" have to come into the picture at all? Maybe my ex and I never would have worked our relationship problems out, but she kinda stole the opportunity from us. She stuck her nose in where it didn't belong, and he chose the easy route instead of honesty and simply talking to me about things. Pretty sad

I *AM* better off without that in my life. But its heartbreaking to see someone's potential go down the drain when you've loved them for so long.

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And people have made the point to me that "you can't steal someone who doesn't want to be stolen"... while maybe that is somewhat true, I still believe there are such things as respect and honesty. Why does "stealing" have to come into the picture at all? Maybe my ex and I never would have worked our relationship problems out, but she kinda stole the opportunity from us. She stuck her nose in where it didn't belong, and he chose the easy route instead of honesty and simply talking to me about things. Pretty sad

I *AM* better off without that in my life. But its heartbreaking to see someone's potential go down the drain when you've loved them for so long.

 

You're right. "Stealing" shouldn't come into the picture at all - I would never try to steal another woman's man. My ex and I never argued and the only issue in our relationship was his fear of commitment, and he told me that he was "working on" that issue and I was being as patient, supportive and understanding as I could be. Obviously he wasn't working on it, or he would never even thought about cheating on me and leaving. Like with you, perhaps that issue could have been worked out had she not "stuck her nose in where it didn't belong." My ex also chose the easy route and stopped talking to me about things and stopped trying to work on his issue. Instead, he chose to talk (and more) to HER (and another ex-girlfriend of his).

 

I loved my ex with all of my heart. I still do in a way. In my 32 years, he has been the only man that I've had a serious, long-term relationship with. He's the only man I've ever loved. He's the only man I know who has ever cared about me, loved me, wanted to spend a lot of time with me, was affectionate with me and wanted to know everything about me. I've never had much luck with men, but my ex was the sole exception. That's why this has been so heartbreaking for me. I think that I'm being nostalgic today because it's my birthday, and I know that I am not going to hear from him.

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all the bs... and yes, thats exactly how i feel about the excuses excuses excuses, one of which is under my name below... only jettison knows how i feel about the absurity of it all... lol

 

another one for me was "youd have more in common and be better off with someone your own age"... ooooooooooook... this is after 4 years of us talking about how im older then he is and even though hes soooooooo in love with me now because he loves the way i look, what about in years to come?... hes such a "perfectionist" about stuff like that... we talked ad nauseum about this... 4 YEARS LATER AND NOW YOU DO THE MATH?... again, i just shake my head... how the hell did i ever get into this mess with this nutcase?... how the hell didnt i see?... grrrrrrrrr...

 

is love that blind or am i just the total airhead of a lifetime?...

 

God bless... beebee

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