In-laws ignoring sexual abuse

needhelpforme · 08-21-2007, 11:33 PM

My 6 year old child was sexually abused by his 14 year old uncle, my husband's youngest brother, for 2 years while under my mother-in-law's care. My in-laws have not spoken to me since I reported the abuse. I have been ostracized by my in-laws and my son has received no nothing from them. What's worse is that my husband keeps visiting his family and celebrating birthdays with them leaving me with my son and his twin brothers at home. I don't understand why my husband cannot see how this hurts me. I mean, where is his loyalty to me and his children? Am I wrong to feel that he is unfaithful to me and his children when he leaves me to go have a good time with those who see me as the bad guy and with those who are totally ignoring my son? I need help in dealing and coping with all this.

**melrich** · 08-21-2007, 11:42 PM

I am so sorry to hear that this happened to your child. Compounding it is the fact that your in-laws are obviously blaming you for the reporting of their child. I don't condone that at all but I guess I can understand it.

Yes I think in a situation like this your husband has to throw his support behind you and I do think he should be supporting your situation with his mother.

It's unclear to me how much you have talked to your husband about this but this is a really complex situations with many conflicting emotions involved. I really think you should encourage your husband to attend some counselling with you to get some professional help to work through the issues you are facing.

I hope also that you have gotten some counselling for your child.

glegend · 08-21-2007, 11:52 PM

Well that extremely sad to hear, sorry that your son as well as you had to go through this. As bad as it this is going to sound, your husband has every right to be with his family and I guess he is leaving you behind because of what happened. But who are you to tell him he can't see his family? Your only family though marriage they are family through blood. Honestly I wouldn't feel right leaving my family (wife and kids, I'm not married or anything) behind to go visit my parents and other family member, but sometimes we have to do these things. Do you just want him to stop seeing them and just shut them out of his life? If thats the case then your very mean.
I think your husband is faithful to you. Unfaithful would be him cheating on you or just walking out one day.

needhelpforme · 08-21-2007, 11:55 PM

Thank you so much for your comforting words. My son's therapist said that what was keeping him from speaking about the abuse was the fear of creating more problems between my husband and me. My husband and I decided to put our feelings to the side and put our son's first. We created a more stable environment for him and finally he was able to talk about the abuse. My husband and I have started seeing a counselor and we're going on our fifth session but he is just so reluctant to talk about anything involving his family's reaction to the abuse. Why is he protecting them and not me and his son?

needhelpforme · 08-22-2007, 12:03 AM

I don't want my husband to stop seeing his family. I want my husband to have them confront what his brother did to our son! My son was betrayed and violated physically and I can't bear the fact that my husband can enjoy himself around the same people who are completely ignoring this wrong and on top of this blaming me for it!

needhelpforme · 08-22-2007, 12:21 AM

Thank you Lady D...

I really hope and pray that it does. It's just that right now it is so frustrating to live with a man whose loyalty and support I feel I don't have.

Miss Firecracker · 08-22-2007, 12:33 AM

I think if you force him to choose between you and his parents, you will lose.

You did what you had to do for your son, and now you have to face the consequences. This is never an easy situation and the very reason it usually goes unreported. Your husband's parents are just as devastated, and I'd guess more so than you are. At least your son was the innocent party here. Theirs was the evil one. It's just a catastrophe for everyone involved.

This could easily tear your marriage apart I'm afraid. I would let him have the Birthday visits.

needhelpforme · 08-23-2007, 04:44 PM

Miss Firecracker,

What about me? What about my feelings? What about my pain? I can't seek any emotional support from my own husband which is why I'm here.

Miss Firecracker · 08-23-2007, 04:54 PM

Yes, I know it must just be unbearable for you. The problem is that your husband is too humilated to accept this, just as his parents are. This is a permanent mark of the worst kind on the family. I honestly believe this marriage is doomed unless you get into professional family counseling.

This could be only the icing on the cake. The boy could be doing this because it was done to him. And the parents may be terrified there will be more discoveries.

needhelpforme · 08-23-2007, 11:46 PM

Miss Firecracker,

Oh I'm sure someone has done the same thing to my son's uncle. I know him since he himself was a 7 year old boy and his childhood has not been an emotionally healthy one because of his family. He has been the butt of their jokes since I know him. I feel sorry for this kid because the only one saying he needs help is me! Am I the one humiliating my husband and his family? What makes a father, whose son has been sexually abused by his own brother be led by humiliation in his actions, before tending to his own son's needs and his wife's? This is what I don't understand. You say "more discoveries", and I wonder, what is my husband protecting? You're right it's all too unbearable.

08-21-2007, 11:33 PM	#1
needhelpforme Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 16	In-laws ignoring sexual abuse My 6 year old child was sexually abused by his 14 year old uncle, my husband's youngest brother, for 2 years while under my mother-in-law's care. My in-laws have not spoken to me since I reported the abuse. I have been ostracized by my in-laws and my son has received no nothing from them. What's worse is that my husband keeps visiting his family and celebrating birthdays with them leaving me with my son and his twin brothers at home. I don't understand why my husband cannot see how this hurts me. I mean, where is his loyalty to me and his children? Am I wrong to feel that he is unfaithful to me and his children when he leaves me to go have a good time with those who see me as the bad guy and with those who are totally ignoring my son? I need help in dealing and coping with all this.

08-21-2007, 11:52 PM	#3
glegend Offline Gold Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Age: 19 Posts: 2,429	Well that extremely sad to hear, sorry that your son as well as you had to go through this. As bad as it this is going to sound, your husband has every right to be with his family and I guess he is leaving you behind because of what happened. But who are you to tell him he can't see his family? Your only family though marriage they are family through blood. Honestly I wouldn't feel right leaving my family (wife and kids, I'm not married or anything) behind to go visit my parents and other family member, but sometimes we have to do these things. Do you just want him to stop seeing them and just shut them out of his life? If thats the case then your very mean. I think your husband is faithful to you. Unfaithful would be him cheating on you or just walking out one day. __________________ The car doesn't make the driver, the driver makes the car It's not the ride, it's the rider.

08-23-2007, 04:54 PM	#9
Miss Firecracker Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 4,142	Yes, I know it must just be unbearable for you. The problem is that your husband is too humilated to accept this, just as his parents are. This is a permanent mark of the worst kind on the family. I honestly believe this marriage is doomed unless you get into professional family counseling. This could be only the icing on the cake. The boy could be doing this because it was done to him. And the parents may be terrified there will be more discoveries. Last edited by Miss Firecracker; 08-23-2007 at 04:58 PM.

08-23-2007, 11:46 PM	#10
needhelpforme Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 16	Miss Firecracker, Oh I'm sure someone has done the same thing to my son's uncle. I know him since he himself was a 7 year old boy and his childhood has not been an emotionally healthy one because of his family. He has been the butt of their jokes since I know him. I feel sorry for this kid because the only one saying he needs help is me! Am I the one humiliating my husband and his family? What makes a father, whose son has been sexually abused by his own brother be led by humiliation in his actions, before tending to his own son's needs and his wife's? This is what I don't understand. You say "more discoveries", and I wonder, what is my husband protecting? You're right it's all too unbearable. Last edited by needhelpforme; 08-23-2007 at 11:54 PM.

08-21-2007, 11:42 PM	#2
melrich Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2003 Gender: Male Posts: 8,503	I am so sorry to hear that this happened to your child. Compounding it is the fact that your in-laws are obviously blaming you for the reporting of their child. I don't condone that at all but I guess I can understand it. Yes I think in a situation like this your husband has to throw his support behind you and I do think he should be supporting your situation with his mother. It's unclear to me how much you have talked to your husband about this but this is a really complex situations with many conflicting emotions involved. I really think you should encourage your husband to attend some counselling with you to get some professional help to work through the issues you are facing. I hope also that you have gotten some counselling for your child.

08-21-2007, 11:55 PM	#4
needhelpforme Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 16	Thank you so much for your comforting words. My son's therapist said that what was keeping him from speaking about the abuse was the fear of creating more problems between my husband and me. My husband and I decided to put our feelings to the side and put our son's first. We created a more stable environment for him and finally he was able to talk about the abuse. My husband and I have started seeing a counselor and we're going on our fifth session but he is just so reluctant to talk about anything involving his family's reaction to the abuse. Why is he protecting them and not me and his son?

08-22-2007, 12:03 AM	#5
needhelpforme Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 16	I don't want my husband to stop seeing his family. I want my husband to have them confront what his brother did to our son! My son was betrayed and violated physically and I can't bear the fact that my husband can enjoy himself around the same people who are completely ignoring this wrong and on top of this blaming me for it!

08-22-2007, 12:21 AM	#6
needhelpforme Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 16	Thank you Lady D... I really hope and pray that it does. It's just that right now it is so frustrating to live with a man whose loyalty and support I feel I don't have.

08-22-2007, 12:33 AM	#7
Miss Firecracker Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 4,142	I think if you force him to choose between you and his parents, you will lose. You did what you had to do for your son, and now you have to face the consequences. This is never an easy situation and the very reason it usually goes unreported. Your husband's parents are just as devastated, and I'd guess more so than you are. At least your son was the innocent party here. Theirs was the evil one. It's just a catastrophe for everyone involved. This could easily tear your marriage apart I'm afraid. I would let him have the Birthday visits.

08-23-2007, 04:44 PM	#8
needhelpforme Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 16	Miss Firecracker, What about me? What about my feelings? What about my pain? I can't seek any emotional support from my own husband which is why I'm here.