why did everyone take my clothes off?
Recently something brought back a memory that I had buried and now I canít get rid of it. I've never told anybody and will never tell anybody, so I thought I would write. When I was about five, two boys who to me seemed to be about eight or nine locked me in toilets, they pulled down my trousers and underwear and wouldn't let me pull them back up and humiliated me by hitting me. They restrained me and took off all my clothes and touched my privates, they kept me in there for what seemed like an age. They dared each other to do things to me, and told me to do things, strange things, I didn't do anything they wanted and the only dare they followed through with was kissing me, besides touching me. The only reason I got out when I did is because I started to dress without them telling me to. They watched me dress which made it even more shameful. I never said a single word to them, not even no, I never resisted intensely (besides initially trying to pull my trousers back up), and I even shut my eyes when they undressed me. When they were touching me I just kept looking forward as if I was somewhere else. They threatened me not to tell anyone and slapped me and made me squeeze through the barely opened toilet room door to escape. Before the event started I had a non-sexual erection, I think this is why they went as far as they did. I do not know why I did not speak, I suppose I never spoke much anyway, I was frightened and I didn't understand what they were doing or what amusement they could get out of it, or why they were taking my clothes off, or why they kept me for so long. My main paranoia afterwards was whether I had put my clothes on inside out; I didn't want anyone to know. I want to know why they did it, the way they touched me was sexual, but they were young, were they just simply cruel people, can you be cruel at that age? was it my fault, did I act like the object that they wanted, is it because I was very small and non-responsive, an easy target, I feel guilty for not fighting back and for some reason i'm finding it hard to place the blame on them, it's not as if they were adults, but I want to blame them, because otherwise I blame myself.
A girl used to touch me too, I didn't mind that as much, she used to play games, so at the time I was unsure about the seriousness of the event with these boys, although it did frighten me to the bone. I know that they were wrong, I know they hurt me and degraded me, I just need somebody to tell me that they were wrong, that it isn't my fault. I find it difficult because I was sometimes willing with the girl, so I find it difficult to blame the boys who forced me. I know that sounds strange. I think of myself as a strong character, but I have started to doubt myself again, because even this girl made me do things that I didn't want to do, she wasn't a bad girl, she was much taller than me but our ages differed less. We were friends and I saw her on a daily basis for years, she always insisted on her games daily. If I didn't want to she would make me, she would undress me too and get me to touch her, she would threaten to tell her dad if I didn't. She was more powerful than me. Her knowledge was more than mine, she even made me lie on top of her naked and she kissed my privates. She used to make me touch our private parts. Now that I am older I worry where she got her knowledge from. You may be thinking why did I keep going back to her for all those years, well she was my friend. Her dad bought her a camera once, one where the photos develop automatically, he wouldn't let her use it, I never saw it used. That makes me frightened. I try not to think too much about this because Iím afraid that Iíll remember something that I donít want to remember.
Then there was more. I was about eleven when it started. Do I ask for this or something? I was sleeping and I felt this person touching me, I did not let him know that I had woken because I didn't want to make the situation any worse. It got quite bad. He would touch me most nights. Sometimes when I came home from school I would fall asleep exhausted downstairs, only to feel him touching me. Sometimes I would only take a rest, and he would abuse me. He must have known I could feel these things, but I suppose he thought it was okay. He would even undo my belt, and put my privates in his mouth whilst I rested. I couldn't open my eyes, let him know, I felt that if I recognised it I would have to ruin his life, and I didn't want to do that. He went away. He comes back, but he does not do that anymore.
Am I unlucky, does everyone go through these sexual experiences, why does everyone force me to do things, why does everyone keep taking my clothes off? Am I some kind of monster? Iím a strong person, I donít lose, why did everybody treat me like a sex toy? Why canít I get this out of my head, why does it continue to haunt me, why do I have to feel so degraded and defiled? should i be ashamed?
I read this and I was just shocked. Wow..
I'm sorry to hear all this happened to you.
We all know this is not your fault. You were just unfortunate..
They were wrong to do this..
Maybe you should try taking some karate lessons or kick boxing?
Mind if I ask how old you are now, you said this person is back, but not doing anything, report them.
How are you feeling right now?
This is so intimate and so well written that I caught myself rereading it just to make sure it was genuine. I mean, it's not well written in a grammatical sense, but well written in the sense that the details are quite haunting in their honesty.
You would be very, very surprised just how common adolescent experimentation is with both sexes. It goes on waaay more then most would ever care to admit. Some people suppress and repress these feelings and never revisit them again throughout their lives. Some people remember them but choose to never admit that they happened because it just feels too troubling and like too much to take in. Others still have went through something like this, and it hasn't affected them in any profound way. It was just "something that happened".
You do need to know that there is nothing at all wrong with you. Zero. You're just someone that weak minded children focused on because they saw you as a mark... someone who wouldn't resist. There is no one there in your isolation to tell you what to do or to tell you what is right or wrong. That's why you froze. In your head, what is right and what is wrong? There was no guidance there for you.
Whatever you did or didn't do... again, it's just adolescent behavior. Please understand that you are much more normal then you can understand. People don't instantly become sexual beings. Imagine that sex for some people in their 40s can be terrifying, and I'm not talking about virgins. I'm talking about "normal" people with normal relationships who have experienced their share of "normal" sexuality. I use parenthesis because normal is a very relative term when it comes to sex.
So, if someone like this can become preoccupied, scared, transfixed, sad, guilty, heartbroken, destroyed, put out, suicidal, lost.... if a 40 year old can feel this way, then how can an adolescent possibly deal with these feelings? He or she can't. Again, you are just fine. Please take yourself for normal. You're ok.
seriously rough man. you should see a therapist, i dont realy know how hard it probably is for you to do somthing like it is but it would probably realy help. its not your fault at all, ur just realy realy unlucky. sorry. you bumped into some realy bad people. im not sure i would have done anything different if somthing like that happend to me at that age. i realy recomend talking to a therapist or atleast someone close to you about it.
Iwould say you are not the boy yoyr where then, his past is your past but you are not him, the past is locked in place only here and now changes, so its here and now you have to deal with the memory, ask yourself "in what light can I place this to see this as just part of the road I walked to become me?"
understand that and you will understand yourself here and now.
It could be that you hid this untill now, becouse now you have the strength to face it and understand.
This could say more about who you are now then who that boy was then.
Truth, strength and honir
You may be inadverently, thru no fault of your own, giving the message that you are a victim somehow. Or perhaps in the culture you are in you are being victimized/viewed as a potential victim because your ethnic/social/economic status is different from your peers.
This is where anger can be a good thing. Anger, evolutionarily speaking, was meant to empower beings in subordinate positions to get strong enough to overcome their circumstances. Get angry, get strong, fight back...
Where were you without adult supervision at five years old that two grossly hypersexualized older boys could lock you in toilets and do all those things you describe?
Where were the girl's parents when these hundreds upon hundreds of incidents were happening at their house, with the two of you buck naked and lying together?
And where was your family when you were being repeatedly abused by the man, sometimes in your living room, when you were eleven?
Something doesn't make sense, and I'll be point-blank: I suspect that you may have come here to get people to relate actual stories of their own to you in misdirected sympathy. I can't be 100% sure and I'm very sorry if I'm wrong, but I would urge everyone reading this not to post any such tales of their own similar experiences in this thread.
This is a pretty elaborate to be a work but i thought the same thing. I think its somebody from some non-western culture though by their use of grammar.
Originally Posted by somebloke
It's written as it is because i took a long time writing it. I had nightmares last night about how people would reply so i suppose i shouldn't be too suprised. I tried to say how i felt, so i understand that the details remain blurry.
I'm not from a non-western culture, I'm from Wales, I have recently turned 19.
At five i was in school, it was during classtime, our junior school is almost attached to our infants school. My teacher did inquire but i said nothing.
The girls parents were in the house. The father often slept during the day, i suppose the mother was either in work or down stairs.
My house has people coming and going. It depends on what people are doing. I didn't plan this. I'm not lying. The fact that it happened downstairs shocked me more. I havent got a small family, i guess these kinds of people just get more daring. I'm not a pervert here to feed off other peoples stories. I thank those who have given me words of encouragement.
? Wales in part of the UK which is a Westen Culture??
Do you mean wales ???
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