Do I give up on this relationship for my own mental health?

Somerandomguy82 · 08-14-2007, 08:46 PM

I have been having a really hard time deciding if I can (or if I should even be considering) ever getting back with the girl I am now on a break from.
We were together for six months and ran into really bad problems and it seemed all we could do was argue and then talk about why and not get anywhere and then repeat. It is now at the point where I feel she will just say whatever I want to hear when she wants to make up with me regardless of the reason why. I have never tried so hard to fix a relationship. Last night I told her that we have argued and had so many emotional ups and downs that we just aren't capable of figuring out what is best for us or having a constructive conversation if it involves emotions. I told her that we need to take time apart and figure out what is best for us and get our heads straight. She would not accept the time apart idea even though she agreed that we have been through too much emotional stress to fix our relationship and probably need time apart. She has in the past gone behind my back numerous times to find the answer to something her insecurities are telling her she needs to know. It seems like she is obsessed with what my friends think about her.

Throughout this conversation which was about 3 hours long two things started to bother me more and more.
How much she cares about what other people think (more so than even us being or not being together) and that she was telling me that we can't take time apart because she has nobody else (meaning friends) and will be so lonely if we take time apart. I don't understand either of these things because they are not anywhere near as important as our relationship is to me. Why does she care what my friends think and why does she have to assume they hate her when most of them have never even met her?

She even told me I can't tell my friends or family that we are taking time apart because she doesn't want anyone to know. I just wanted to see what other people thought about these two things. We have numerous other serious issues, but the fact that when we're just barely even talking and she is acting like she needs to be with me more than anything else, those 2 things are what she needs to talk about. She even called me right back after this conversation to tell me she needs me to promise I won't talk to one of my ex-girlfriends (who she doesn't trust me with for no valid reason at all) because she has this absurd fear that I talk to this ex about what is going on with us and then she goes and reports everything to my friends so they can sit around and say bad things about her.

Any thoughts? I really care for this girl, but I feel like every sign is telling me to get out of this for the sake of my sanity. I have been so stressed out and emotional over this and it has been off and on and up and down for weeks now.

koalabear · 08-14-2007, 09:17 PM

Hmmm. Well I can understand getting to a point in a relationship where nothing gets talked about constructively and I definitely think a cooling off period can be helpful.

However....It sounds like your gf is incredibly insecure. I can relate to that. I have been in situations where my normal lovely level headed self became so overwhelmed with fear that I have done things and said things that were completely irrational. I bet this anxiety about talking to your friends and family comes from a couple of places. 1) she is worried that you will talk about it with them, they will agree and she will never see you again and 2) when issues like this are talked about with people outside of the relationship they become a lot more REAL, she recognizes that this indicates a SERIOUS concern on your part about the health of the relationship and that probably really scares her.

another thing to consider is that maybe she is none to pleased about the way she has acted (I know if my ex told his family about some of my antics I would be mortified) and she is concerned that the significant people in your life will hold these actions against her.

if you go ahead with this break I think you need to reassure her that you love her and are looking for solutions for concrete problems, but be prepared that she may end up stressing you out even more. anxiety like this doesn't just magically go away with a break and you will likely not be seeing the best side of her for a while.

i can sympathize with her reactions up until this point but you know her best, if she is this insecure when the relationship is going well maybe you do need to consider whether she is able to have a stable and secure relationship with you.

Somerandomguy82 · 08-14-2007, 09:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by koalabear

Hmmm. Well I can understand getting to a point in a relationship where nothing gets talked about constructively and I definitely think a cooling off period can be helpful.

However....It sounds like your gf is incredibly insecure. I can relate to that. I have been in situations where my normal lovely level headed self became so overwhelmed with fear that I have done things and said things that were completely irrational. I bet this anxiety about talking to your friends and family comes from a couple of places. 1) she is worried that you will talk about it with them, they will agree and she will never see you again and 2) when issues like this are talked about with people outside of the relationship they become a lot more REAL, she recognizes that this indicates a SERIOUS concern on your part about the health of the relationship and that probably really scares her.

another thing to consider is that maybe she is none to pleased about the way she has acted (I know if my ex told his family about some of my antics I would be mortified) and she is concerned that the significant people in your life will hold these actions against her.

if you go ahead with this break I think you need to reassure her that you love her and are looking for solutions for concrete problems, but be prepared that she may end up stressing you out even more. anxiety like this doesn't just magically go away with a break and you will likely not be seeing the best side of her for a while.

i can sympathize with her reactions up until this point but you know her best, if she is this insecure when the relationship is going well maybe you do need to consider whether she is able to have a stable and secure relationship with you.

I am starting to feel that I am willing to put her needs, feelings and insecurities before mine, but she will never do it for me. I tried to discuss compromises with her. She has issues with respecting my privacy and feels she has to know everything regardless of how private it is. I told her that it has gotten to the point where I now feel guilty and panicky when the phone rings and she is there regardless of who is calling me because I know how she is flipping out about it and thinking how she has to know who I'm talking to to or who sent me a text message. I have already deleted my myspace account to ease her fears. I have completely stopped talking to most of my female friends and I don't want to get to the point where I start to hate her for it without realizing. Does that make sense or am I now the one being irrational?

koalabear · 08-14-2007, 09:41 PM

It makes sense. When you talk to her about these things does she admit that she has a problem with insecurities? Has she tried to change?

If you don't feel like you can have a life and friends of your own that is a huge problem, especially if you have gotten to the point where you are starting to resent her. It sounds like she has a lot of trouble with boundaries and that is an issue that takes A LOT of time and work to surmount.

Somerandomguy82 · 08-14-2007, 09:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by koalabear

It makes sense. When you talk to her about these things does she admit that she has a problem with insecurities? Has she tried to change?

If you don't feel like you can have a life and friends of your own that is a huge problem, especially if you have gotten to the point where you are starting to resent her. It sounds like she has a lot of trouble with boundaries and that is an issue that takes A LOT of time and work to surmount.

We discussed these things and eventually she accepted she has a problem and agreed to visit a therapist. I thought this was great and gave me hope for us working out. When she actually finished speaking with her therapist (1st visit was just last week) she sent me an e-mail at work saying she wants to tell me everything that they talked about involving our relationship. I told her I didn't want her to do that because I think it is private and because I am at work and can't talk on the phone with customers while reading something like that which could be very emotional. She replied to my e-mail where I asked her not to send me the therapy details with her therapy session word for word. It really upset me because she felt she had to do the exact opposite of what I was asking and couldn't even wait to send it to my home e-mail. What she said to the therapist was a very one-sided and inaccurate version of our break up and her trust issues that actually left out anything I considered a serious problem. Instead of telling the therapist she has snooped through my computer and cell phone since we started dating, she made it sound like it happened once and just very recently and even a very long excuse as to why she did it and how innocent it was. When I asked her why she left out all the things I felt were important she said that she didn't have time to get to them.
I always felt it is her therapy she is there to get help and it is a good thing either way. But she sent that to me and I was really upset because I didn't need to read that, but was forced to. A fear of mine is that she cannot accept responsibility for things and needs to place it on other people. It seems like she will think and think and think until she can find a way that any serious issues is someone else's fault (even if it wasn't brought up in an attacking manner).

koalabear · 08-14-2007, 10:16 PM

Yikes. I for one am very against sharing the gritty details of therapy with a gf/bf, especially when they asked not to hear them! I also believe that therapy is private and it is the responsibility of the person going to the therapist to synthesize the information and decide how to use it to help the relationship...NOT rehash every detail. At most it seems like it should be "we talked about xxx, and I had never though about it that way before. Here's how I think it can help us"

I think your fear of her not taking responsibility is valid, and to be honest it sounds like she is not being completely truthful in therapy so that she can support her idea that she is not at fault.

Maybe this will improve with time, but from an outside perspective it doesn't seem like this relationship is healthy. A break could be a very good thing and when you both have healed and she may be able to come at this relationship from a different perspective and with better skills to deal with (or express) her insecurities.

These are always the hardest decisions, when things seem like they could be good and you still care about the person a lot but when there doesn't seem to be an end to the issues or even much hope to get past them.

One thing to be careful of, and this comes from personal experience, if you want to make this work and you intend to stay in the relationship you HAVE TO recognize any progress she is making and also try to recognize when her concerns are valid and how you might be contributing. It is an easy thing to do, I had a great boyfriend who was very sensitive and supportive UNTIL I started going to therapy. At that point it was free game for him to chalk everything I said up to "my issues."

It's a tough road, and only you know if it is worth it. at this point you sound like you are more out of the relationship than in it, but I guess people don't come to this place to talk about what is going right in their relationships.

Somerandomguy82 · 08-14-2007, 10:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by koalabear

Yikes. I for one am very against sharing the gritty details of therapy with a gf/bf, especially when they asked not to hear them! I also believe that therapy is private and it is the responsibility of the person going to the therapist to synthesize the information and decide how to use it to help the relationship...NOT rehash every detail. At most it seems like it should be "we talked about xxx, and I had never though about it that way before. Here's how I think it can help us"

I think your fear of her not taking responsibility is valid, and to be honest it sounds like she is not being completely truthful in therapy so that she can support her idea that she is not at fault.

Maybe this will improve with time, but from an outside perspective it doesn't seem like this relationship is healthy. A break could be a very good thing and when you both have healed and she may be able to come at this relationship from a different perspective and with better skills to deal with (or express) her insecurities.

These are always the hardest decisions, when things seem like they could be good and you still care about the person a lot but when there doesn't seem to be an end to the issues or even much hope to get past them.

One thing to be careful of, and this comes from personal experience, if you want to make this work and you intend to stay in the relationship you HAVE TO recognize any progress she is making and also try to recognize when her concerns are valid and how you might be contributing. It is an easy thing to do, I had a great boyfriend who was very sensitive and supportive UNTIL I started going to therapy. At that point it was free game for him to chalk everything I said up to "my issues."

It's a tough road, and only you know if it is worth it. at this point you sound like you are more out of the relationship than in it, but I guess people don't come to this place to talk about what is going right in their relationships.

That's actually very helpful. I try to be very supportive, but things have been very emotional and it's one of the reasons I needed to take a break, step back and see what is actually in our best interests. I told her that we need to completely stop talking to one another. I've never tried this hard to fix a relationship. How do you even know when you are ready to talk to the other person again? How do you know you aren't stepping back into the same situation you left and have only convinced yourself that you are healed? I guess these are pointless questions because only I can answer them. But here is another one, she seems to be able to convince herself of what she wants to believe in order to not suffer feelings of hurt, guilt and loneliness. If I feel like I'm healed and ready and decide to fix this (assuming she is still also still willing to) how do I know that she isn't doing more of the same? I know that's ridiculous for me to ask because you don't even know the person I'm talking about, but is there anything I should look out for? Or at least be prepared for?

koalabear · 08-14-2007, 11:14 PM

I think reconciliation isn't just about cooling things off and then sweeping them under the rug. I think taking time off means that BOTH of you decide want you need and want in a relationship, what stood in the way of that the first time, and how you both intend to make it happen. I think that in this case she has to show you that she is willing to take responsibility for her actions as well as giving you a sincere apology for invading your privacy (no excuses, no placing the blame elsewhere).

One major thing to keep in mind is time...if she comes back in a week and tells you everything you want to hear and more, I would be a little suspicious. That is desperation not healing.

jellytot · 08-15-2007, 01:16 PM

Hey, dont worry about her not being honest in therapy! It was the first session, and therapists are not stupid. They have ways of get things out in the open eventually. It will all come out in the end. They ask questions, they listen carefully, and when one thing doesnt link up, they spot it straight away, and ask questions. Eventually the lies come out, and the truth is revealed, and thats when therapy begins, and changes start happening. its all part of the process.

So i wouldnt give up on this relationship just yet. I think shes in need of help, and that she has a chance to change.

But time off, will help ease those resentfull angry thoughts, which get in the way, and make people irratable over the smallest of things. Space is definately needed here, but if your willing to help her out, be understanding and sympathetic.

Dont let the fact she sent you an email bug you! So what if you told her not to, its not not a MAJOR issue. You could have simply returned the email, with a stern explanation, explaining again, you told her once that you couldnt read it, and thats it. And you didnt have to read it. Thats something i see as a ridiculous thing to get hyped about, there are bigger worries out there. But its also understandable, because when you are emotionally stressed, thats what happens, ANYTHING will tick you off.

So you both need to get yourselves fresh, and relaxed, so youre in a situation where you can take things for what they are.

Otherwise, you must like this girl a lot, for you to be posting on here, i think that means a lot to be honest. So dont worry, we will find a way to sort this out....

xxxx

Somerandomguy82 · 08-15-2007, 08:01 PM

There was much more to the e-mail and why it upset me, but it's one of those things where I would have to explain something, to explain something else, but first explain something else so that it makes sense if I tried to go into it.

I'm not going to hold on to little things like that. I have no desire to blame her or make her feel bad about anything, but at the same time there are things that I need her to understand and accept responsibility for. If we do decide to get back together we need to decide how we can help each other work through our issues. In the past she has consistently either become extremely defensive or she has told me she understands and then a day or two later disregards it or decides to tell me that it was my fault in the first place. There must be a way we can get past that and I suppose only time will tell.

I try to be extremely supportive and patient and I know that I have been. But surely there must be a line that even while being patient and understanding I can't let her cross. I wish I understood more, but that only seems to be possible with time apart.

I am not concerned as much with what has happened in the past as I am with what was never addressed and could possibly happen again in the future if we get back together. There are things that really do concern me regarding how she perceives our relationship and what she is willing to do to make it work (and why).

I am only a few days into our no communication break and am hoping things will be clearer when I am less emotionally turbulent. Of course that seems so far away right now as I'm still fighting urges to go to her and tell her that nothing matters and that we can just forget it and be together. I can't write something like this without feeling guilty for saying anything other than how wonderful I think she is. It feels like 50% of my brain is trying to make me think none of this is important and I should be ashamed of myself for putting her through any of this. So with that said, clearly I have issues of my own and I've never doubted that. I know I'm rambling now, but I'm sure anyone who visits this forum is fully aware of how these things consume your thoughts. It is really helpful to read the input other people have about this. I wish I were better at explaining my situation.

08-14-2007, 08:46 PM	#1
Somerandomguy82 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Atlanta Gender: Male Age: 27 Posts: 138	Do I give up on this relationship for my own mental health? I have been having a really hard time deciding if I can (or if I should even be considering) ever getting back with the girl I am now on a break from. We were together for six months and ran into really bad problems and it seemed all we could do was argue and then talk about why and not get anywhere and then repeat. It is now at the point where I feel she will just say whatever I want to hear when she wants to make up with me regardless of the reason why. I have never tried so hard to fix a relationship. Last night I told her that we have argued and had so many emotional ups and downs that we just aren't capable of figuring out what is best for us or having a constructive conversation if it involves emotions. I told her that we need to take time apart and figure out what is best for us and get our heads straight. She would not accept the time apart idea even though she agreed that we have been through too much emotional stress to fix our relationship and probably need time apart. She has in the past gone behind my back numerous times to find the answer to something her insecurities are telling her she needs to know. It seems like she is obsessed with what my friends think about her. Throughout this conversation which was about 3 hours long two things started to bother me more and more. How much she cares about what other people think (more so than even us being or not being together) and that she was telling me that we can't take time apart because she has nobody else (meaning friends) and will be so lonely if we take time apart. I don't understand either of these things because they are not anywhere near as important as our relationship is to me. Why does she care what my friends think and why does she have to assume they hate her when most of them have never even met her? She even told me I can't tell my friends or family that we are taking time apart because she doesn't want anyone to know. I just wanted to see what other people thought about these two things. We have numerous other serious issues, but the fact that when we're just barely even talking and she is acting like she needs to be with me more than anything else, those 2 things are what she needs to talk about. She even called me right back after this conversation to tell me she needs me to promise I won't talk to one of my ex-girlfriends (who she doesn't trust me with for no valid reason at all) because she has this absurd fear that I talk to this ex about what is going on with us and then she goes and reports everything to my friends so they can sit around and say bad things about her. Any thoughts? I really care for this girl, but I feel like every sign is telling me to get out of this for the sake of my sanity. I have been so stressed out and emotional over this and it has been off and on and up and down for weeks now.

08-14-2007, 09:17 PM	#2
koalabear Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 31	Hmmm. Well I can understand getting to a point in a relationship where nothing gets talked about constructively and I definitely think a cooling off period can be helpful. However....It sounds like your gf is incredibly insecure. I can relate to that. I have been in situations where my normal lovely level headed self became so overwhelmed with fear that I have done things and said things that were completely irrational. I bet this anxiety about talking to your friends and family comes from a couple of places. 1) she is worried that you will talk about it with them, they will agree and she will never see you again and 2) when issues like this are talked about with people outside of the relationship they become a lot more REAL, she recognizes that this indicates a SERIOUS concern on your part about the health of the relationship and that probably really scares her. another thing to consider is that maybe she is none to pleased about the way she has acted (I know if my ex told his family about some of my antics I would be mortified) and she is concerned that the significant people in your life will hold these actions against her. if you go ahead with this break I think you need to reassure her that you love her and are looking for solutions for concrete problems, but be prepared that she may end up stressing you out even more. anxiety like this doesn't just magically go away with a break and you will likely not be seeing the best side of her for a while. i can sympathize with her reactions up until this point but you know her best, if she is this insecure when the relationship is going well maybe you do need to consider whether she is able to have a stable and secure relationship with you.

08-14-2007, 09:41 PM	#4
koalabear Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 31	It makes sense. When you talk to her about these things does she admit that she has a problem with insecurities? Has she tried to change? If you don't feel like you can have a life and friends of your own that is a huge problem, especially if you have gotten to the point where you are starting to resent her. It sounds like she has a lot of trouble with boundaries and that is an issue that takes A LOT of time and work to surmount.

08-14-2007, 10:16 PM	#6
koalabear Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 31	Yikes. I for one am very against sharing the gritty details of therapy with a gf/bf, especially when they asked not to hear them! I also believe that therapy is private and it is the responsibility of the person going to the therapist to synthesize the information and decide how to use it to help the relationship...NOT rehash every detail. At most it seems like it should be "we talked about xxx, and I had never though about it that way before. Here's how I think it can help us" I think your fear of her not taking responsibility is valid, and to be honest it sounds like she is not being completely truthful in therapy so that she can support her idea that she is not at fault. Maybe this will improve with time, but from an outside perspective it doesn't seem like this relationship is healthy. A break could be a very good thing and when you both have healed and she may be able to come at this relationship from a different perspective and with better skills to deal with (or express) her insecurities. These are always the hardest decisions, when things seem like they could be good and you still care about the person a lot but when there doesn't seem to be an end to the issues or even much hope to get past them. One thing to be careful of, and this comes from personal experience, if you want to make this work and you intend to stay in the relationship you HAVE TO recognize any progress she is making and also try to recognize when her concerns are valid and how you might be contributing. It is an easy thing to do, I had a great boyfriend who was very sensitive and supportive UNTIL I started going to therapy. At that point it was free game for him to chalk everything I said up to "my issues." It's a tough road, and only you know if it is worth it. at this point you sound like you are more out of the relationship than in it, but I guess people don't come to this place to talk about what is going right in their relationships.

08-14-2007, 11:14 PM	#8
koalabear Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 31	I think reconciliation isn't just about cooling things off and then sweeping them under the rug. I think taking time off means that BOTH of you decide want you need and want in a relationship, what stood in the way of that the first time, and how you both intend to make it happen. I think that in this case she has to show you that she is willing to take responsibility for her actions as well as giving you a sincere apology for invading your privacy (no excuses, no placing the blame elsewhere). One major thing to keep in mind is time...if she comes back in a week and tells you everything you want to hear and more, I would be a little suspicious. That is desperation not healing.

08-15-2007, 01:16 PM	#9
jellytot Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Age: 29 Posts: 177	Hey, dont worry about her not being honest in therapy! It was the first session, and therapists are not stupid. They have ways of get things out in the open eventually. It will all come out in the end. They ask questions, they listen carefully, and when one thing doesnt link up, they spot it straight away, and ask questions. Eventually the lies come out, and the truth is revealed, and thats when therapy begins, and changes start happening. its all part of the process. So i wouldnt give up on this relationship just yet. I think shes in need of help, and that she has a chance to change. But time off, will help ease those resentfull angry thoughts, which get in the way, and make people irratable over the smallest of things. Space is definately needed here, but if your willing to help her out, be understanding and sympathetic. Dont let the fact she sent you an email bug you! So what if you told her not to, its not not a MAJOR issue. You could have simply returned the email, with a stern explanation, explaining again, you told her once that you couldnt read it, and thats it. And you didnt have to read it. Thats something i see as a ridiculous thing to get hyped about, there are bigger worries out there. But its also understandable, because when you are emotionally stressed, thats what happens, ANYTHING will tick you off. So you both need to get yourselves fresh, and relaxed, so youre in a situation where you can take things for what they are. Otherwise, you must like this girl a lot, for you to be posting on here, i think that means a lot to be honest. So dont worry, we will find a way to sort this out.... xxxx

08-15-2007, 08:01 PM	#10
Somerandomguy82 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Atlanta Gender: Male Age: 27 Posts: 138	There was much more to the e-mail and why it upset me, but it's one of those things where I would have to explain something, to explain something else, but first explain something else so that it makes sense if I tried to go into it. I'm not going to hold on to little things like that. I have no desire to blame her or make her feel bad about anything, but at the same time there are things that I need her to understand and accept responsibility for. If we do decide to get back together we need to decide how we can help each other work through our issues. In the past she has consistently either become extremely defensive or she has told me she understands and then a day or two later disregards it or decides to tell me that it was my fault in the first place. There must be a way we can get past that and I suppose only time will tell. I try to be extremely supportive and patient and I know that I have been. But surely there must be a line that even while being patient and understanding I can't let her cross. I wish I understood more, but that only seems to be possible with time apart. I am not concerned as much with what has happened in the past as I am with what was never addressed and could possibly happen again in the future if we get back together. There are things that really do concern me regarding how she perceives our relationship and what she is willing to do to make it work (and why). I am only a few days into our no communication break and am hoping things will be clearer when I am less emotionally turbulent. Of course that seems so far away right now as I'm still fighting urges to go to her and tell her that nothing matters and that we can just forget it and be together. I can't write something like this without feeling guilty for saying anything other than how wonderful I think she is. It feels like 50% of my brain is trying to make me think none of this is important and I should be ashamed of myself for putting her through any of this. So with that said, clearly I have issues of my own and I've never doubted that. I know I'm rambling now, but I'm sure anyone who visits this forum is fully aware of how these things consume your thoughts. It is really helpful to read the input other people have about this. I wish I were better at explaining my situation.