Religion and friendship = incompatible?

Lana0120 · 08-13-2007, 06:20 PM

Hi. I was just thinking about friends today and remembered a friend I had years ago. I met her, we clicked straight away, exchanged e-mail addresses and had fantastic online conversations. She was a total nut and had me in stitches all the time. Very funny, nice girl. She lives near me - within walking distance, but I never knew her exact address. Anyway, she was a Jehovah's Witness and at one time tried to persuade me to join, but I politely declined. I believe in God, but church isn't really my thing (although I totally respect that other people go). We'd talk online and meet at her workplace. After many months it became apparent to me, that it'd be a good idea to hang out as we lived locally, spent so much time talking online anyway and could practically read each other's minds. Well, because I'm not of her religion, she said that was a no-no. I was hurt and ended the friendship on the basis, that it's all or nothing, and that she should accept me for what I was. Sometimes I reject that as I wonder if I should have just accepted what she offered, but I felt as if she snubbed me and my beliefs when I respected hers (even if I disagreed with them). Just wondered if anyone else out there has had a similar experience and how they handled it. I am wondering about this now because I have another friend who is part of a church and I got the feeling I wasn't welcome at this friend's house and that there may be issues.

Beec · 08-13-2007, 06:37 PM

I would have accepted what she offered, but I've known Jehovah's Witnesses, so this seems a little strange.

But, I have had such things in my past, and I think I tried to take them for what they were. We could have something of a relationship, but it had its limits.

Lana0120 · 08-13-2007, 06:41 PM

I think it was about the fact that it was like I was defective in some way because she didn't want to associate with me irl because she was a JW. Almost like being ashamed of having a non-JW friend or something. Yet, she'd talk online for hours and sometimes complain like hell about some of the JWs her own age that she'd spend time with. Thinking about this, in hindsight, perhaps the problem wasn't so much her religion - maybe it was her parents and their attitudes or something. Maybe I should have just taken what she offered. Anyway, I'm just going through some kind of thinking stage and realising that I need to stop getting so attached to people and so easily hurt. I'm just too intense - I tend to give my all and everything.

woebegone · 08-13-2007, 07:38 PM

I've seen this happen. When I was little I had a babysitter who was a JW, and she was a great family friend. Apparently her family/friends/group didn't approve of her associating with us. She did visit us a couple years ago, but it sounded like it had to be kept secret from her family. There hasn't been any contact with her since then, and we just deal with it... it's too bad but we can't change it.

I have another friend whom I've known since childhood and recently became really involved with her faith. She always seemed to look down on me in this holier-than-thou way. So I pretty much dumped her. I can't take that.

Sorry this happened to you.

There's no need to get involved in something you're uncomfortable with. That's not what friendship is about, IMO.

wlfpack81 · 08-14-2007, 02:40 AM

I feel you made the right decision Lana0120. If she can't accept you for who you are then move on. I mean given she's religious I'd figured she'd be happy that you at least believe in God but for some just being spiritual isn't enough, you have to convert to their belief system and you can't force someone into that as it's a personal choice.

Lana0120 · 08-14-2007, 07:09 AM

Woebegone and wlfpack81- Thank you both for your understanding. That's exactly how I felt - uncomfortable, like I was being treated differently and like she wasn't accepting me for who I was, even thought I totally accepted her and never once tried to change her or make her feel that she was different because her beliefs differed from mine. I don't understand why a belief in God wasn't enough in common either! Apparently her oldest sister married outside of the faith and wasn't allowed in the family home again after that. It just saddens me that even in a modern day society where a lot of people embrace diversity that there are some seemingly nice and intelligent people who treat people this way.

peacefullspirit · 08-14-2007, 10:56 AM

[QUOTEit'd be a good idea to hang out.. . . QUOTE]

You had a good conversations, casual talk, deeper political debate?

A Jehovas Witnesses spends a large amount of time learning how his view on life is determined by the rules of his religion.

What do you think about the rules of being a Jehovas Witnesses -
could your view affect your friendship with one ?

Lana0120 · 08-14-2007, 12:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by peacefullspirit

[QUOTEit'd be a good idea to hang out.. . . QUOTE]

You had a good conversations, casual talk, deeper political debate?

A Jehovas Witnesses spends a large amount of time learning how his view on life is determined by the rules of his religion.

What do you think about the rules of being a Jehovas Witnesses -
could your view affect your friendship with one ?

We had good conversations about everything and nothing. We could poke fun at ourselves and life and have a good laugh about many things, confided in each other about things in our lives, talked a little about religion but not in great depth.

I know about some of the beliefs of Jehovah's Witnesses, e.g. no sex before marriage (my friend would mention some of this stuff in passing when we were talking about our lives generally and things happening) and no blood transfusions, etc. So, I knew some of the views, and agreed with some, disagreed with others and I still liked her as a person. Although you have a valid point - I didn't like the way she treated me or her own sister (she thought it was perfectly acceptable that her sister should be denied the right to enter the family home - and I did argue with her over that one), but in spite of it.... yes... I liked her. I think most people would, she's just very likeable, funny and alive.

peacefullspirit · 08-16-2007, 10:17 PM

The conservative beliefs of Jehovas Witnesses are always open to persecution and your friend may feel insecure about building a relationship outside the structure, familiarity and security she finds in the close knit organisation she has become a part of.

irodriguez · 08-17-2007, 03:56 AM

i am not too familiar with the JW religion.
i have hear of things here and there, and have seen them around.

religion is a monster.
i am a christian, but i do not bind myself to a religion.
i believe that Jesus Christ dies for our sins, and lives today.
though i may have different beliefs, values, and perspectives,
in no way does it make me any better.

everyone in this world has different beliefs and values.
even among people of the same organized religion will have
different beliefs and values.

much of it is based on faith.
and for the most part, no one has the same amount of faith.

i do not believe it was in anyway friendly to have denied you, or anyone,
in that matter.

a friend will accept you the way you are.

08-13-2007, 06:20 PM	#1
Lana0120 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 3,467	Religion and friendship = incompatible? Hi. I was just thinking about friends today and remembered a friend I had years ago. I met her, we clicked straight away, exchanged e-mail addresses and had fantastic online conversations. She was a total nut and had me in stitches all the time. Very funny, nice girl. She lives near me - within walking distance, but I never knew her exact address. Anyway, she was a Jehovah's Witness and at one time tried to persuade me to join, but I politely declined. I believe in God, but church isn't really my thing (although I totally respect that other people go). We'd talk online and meet at her workplace. After many months it became apparent to me, that it'd be a good idea to hang out as we lived locally, spent so much time talking online anyway and could practically read each other's minds. Well, because I'm not of her religion, she said that was a no-no. I was hurt and ended the friendship on the basis, that it's all or nothing, and that she should accept me for what I was. Sometimes I reject that as I wonder if I should have just accepted what she offered, but I felt as if she snubbed me and my beliefs when I respected hers (even if I disagreed with them). Just wondered if anyone else out there has had a similar experience and how they handled it. I am wondering about this now because I have another friend who is part of a church and I got the feeling I wasn't welcome at this friend's house and that there may be issues.

08-13-2007, 06:37 PM	#2
Beec Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: New York Posts: 7,556	I would have accepted what she offered, but I've known Jehovah's Witnesses, so this seems a little strange. But, I have had such things in my past, and I think I tried to take them for what they were. We could have something of a relationship, but it had its limits. __________________ "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained." C.S. Lewis--Answers to Questions on Christianity

08-13-2007, 06:41 PM	#3
Lana0120 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 3,467	I think it was about the fact that it was like I was defective in some way because she didn't want to associate with me irl because she was a JW. Almost like being ashamed of having a non-JW friend or something. Yet, she'd talk online for hours and sometimes complain like hell about some of the JWs her own age that she'd spend time with. Thinking about this, in hindsight, perhaps the problem wasn't so much her religion - maybe it was her parents and their attitudes or something. Maybe I should have just taken what she offered. Anyway, I'm just going through some kind of thinking stage and realising that I need to stop getting so attached to people and so easily hurt. I'm just too intense - I tend to give my all and everything.

08-13-2007, 07:38 PM	#4
woebegone Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 205	I've seen this happen. When I was little I had a babysitter who was a JW, and she was a great family friend. Apparently her family/friends/group didn't approve of her associating with us. She did visit us a couple years ago, but it sounded like it had to be kept secret from her family. There hasn't been any contact with her since then, and we just deal with it... it's too bad but we can't change it. I have another friend whom I've known since childhood and recently became really involved with her faith. She always seemed to look down on me in this holier-than-thou way. So I pretty much dumped her. I can't take that. Sorry this happened to you. There's no need to get involved in something you're uncomfortable with. That's not what friendship is about, IMO.

08-14-2007, 02:40 AM	#5
wlfpack81 Offline Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Washington, DC Metro Area Gender: Male Posts: 733	I feel you made the right decision Lana0120. If she can't accept you for who you are then move on. I mean given she's religious I'd figured she'd be happy that you at least believe in God but for some just being spiritual isn't enough, you have to convert to their belief system and you can't force someone into that as it's a personal choice.

08-14-2007, 07:09 AM	#6
Lana0120 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 3,467	Woebegone and wlfpack81- Thank you both for your understanding. That's exactly how I felt - uncomfortable, like I was being treated differently and like she wasn't accepting me for who I was, even thought I totally accepted her and never once tried to change her or make her feel that she was different because her beliefs differed from mine. I don't understand why a belief in God wasn't enough in common either! Apparently her oldest sister married outside of the faith and wasn't allowed in the family home again after that. It just saddens me that even in a modern day society where a lot of people embrace diversity that there are some seemingly nice and intelligent people who treat people this way.

08-14-2007, 10:56 AM	#7
peacefullspirit Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 49	[QUOTEit'd be a good idea to hang out.. . . QUOTE] You had a good conversations, casual talk, deeper political debate? A Jehovas Witnesses spends a large amount of time learning how his view on life is determined by the rules of his religion. What do you think about the rules of being a Jehovas Witnesses - could your view affect your friendship with one ?

08-16-2007, 10:17 PM	#9
peacefullspirit Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 49	The conservative beliefs of Jehovas Witnesses are always open to persecution and your friend may feel insecure about building a relationship outside the structure, familiarity and security she finds in the close knit organisation she has become a part of.

08-17-2007, 03:56 AM	#10
irodriguez Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: anaheim Gender: Male Posts: 21	i am not too familiar with the JW religion. i have hear of things here and there, and have seen them around. religion is a monster. i am a christian, but i do not bind myself to a religion. i believe that Jesus Christ dies for our sins, and lives today. though i may have different beliefs, values, and perspectives, in no way does it make me any better. everyone in this world has different beliefs and values. even among people of the same organized religion will have different beliefs and values. much of it is based on faith. and for the most part, no one has the same amount of faith. i do not believe it was in anyway friendly to have denied you, or anyone, in that matter. a friend will accept you the way you are.