Help me overcome my addiction to a man

deenice · 08-11-2007, 04:17 PM

Hello all-I am a 44 year woman addicted to a man for two years. We have lived together, moved out, done all kinds of crazy, I mean crazy things to each other, but with one phone call we take each other back and before I know it he and his cat are back living with me in my house. He has a half million dollar house of his own he never spends the night in. We have financial ties, we own real estate together, we have done and seen a lot together. We are friends, best friends, partners, etc... We are a great team and do a ton of nice things for each other. We sleep next to each other every night, but there is no intimacy except what I do for him. He is not a very sexual person. He says he is not attracted to me in that way, but that he wants to be with me and spend time with me. He is taking a 3 week trip across the country (that I was supposed to go on) with an old friend of his who happens to be a girl (she is married). Supposedly they are just friends now, but I know they have been intimate many times. I am not naive, I know what is happening. There are a couple of other girl friends he talks to/emails on a regular basis. He is narcissistic and needs a fan club. There are so many more details to shed light on this subject, but not enough time to list. Anyway, the long and short of it - many times I have tried to break away, but can't get past 30 days. We are both co-dependent. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and he is aware of that fact. I know our relationship is totally unhealthy for me, and meltdown about it at least once a week. A week ago today, I told him it was killing me. It is literally taking years off my life. I proposed to him that upon return from this trip he go straight to his house and promise to never, ever spend the night with me again. I told him if he cares at all about me he must let me go. I know what must be done, I just don't know how to get through it. I cry more with him than I do when I am without him. I have been in this exact place so many times in the last two years. I really need your help, because this time I need to make it stick - my life depends on it. Deenice

PeanutButter · 08-11-2007, 04:26 PM

Why do you say it half a million dollar house? 500,000 is basically an average of a house. Anyone could afford that pretty much. Well don't pick up phone calls don't call him. Take him off your phone and all. If you see a call just wait a few seconds and think about it.

deenice · 08-11-2007, 04:37 PM

I wasn't meaning to be pretentious - it was just easier to type, and that is not the average cost of a house where I live. Anyway, thanks for the reply. It's not that easy not to take his calls when one has to make financial decisions together. We have tried having a go between for us, but it hasn't worked. By the way, it's not just phone calls. We only live six blocks from one another.

Altruist · 08-11-2007, 04:38 PM

Justr stick with him. I don´t think it´s cheating if he sees other women when the two of you are not in a sexual relationship. If you would like a sexual relationship and he doesn´t wan´t that then you have a reason to end the relationship. You could write him a long email explaining how you feel about the whole situation if you can´t tell him face to face.

Lana0120 · 08-11-2007, 04:44 PM

You've made a step in the right direction - you just need to follow on from there. Be firm with him, change the locks if necessary, move on with your life as best as you can. That's what I'd suggest anyway.

deenice · 08-11-2007, 04:46 PM

Yes, I thought about just sticking with it and seeing where it leads, but I'm fairly certain that what we have right now is all we will ever have, and I'm not going through life without a meaningful sexual relationship. I've written letters, sent emails, and it never changes.

PeanutButter · 08-11-2007, 05:07 PM

HE obviously does not want to be with you. Just try to keep it as friends.

Clabs · 08-12-2007, 03:45 AM

Hey Deenice and welcome to ENA.

Your situation sounds pretty poor, but the important thing to take from this is that you indentify all the wrong in the relationship - good for you.

You need to get a grip of this right now. You tell him to promise to never spend the night with you - that he must let you go. Of course he will not because he knows you will let him back - you are leaving the door open and giving him total power and control over you - uuuggghhh.

Honey - I know it scares you, but take control - kick him into touch. For heavans sake - on top of all of this, he is sleeping with other girls. Get shot of this jerk while you still have an ounce of self respect and dignity left.

You say you cry a lot less without him - so you like crying?

Come on - help us to help you. You need to cut him out completely - sort out the financial ties, get him out of your life and work on your issues. Everything you have said is pretty much HIM HIM HIM - this needs to be about YOU now.

Keep posting on here for support - and keep working on you, honey.

Mark

08-11-2007, 04:17 PM	#1
deenice Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Florida Gender: Female Posts: 5	Help me overcome my addiction to a man Hello all-I am a 44 year woman addicted to a man for two years. We have lived together, moved out, done all kinds of crazy, I mean crazy things to each other, but with one phone call we take each other back and before I know it he and his cat are back living with me in my house. He has a half million dollar house of his own he never spends the night in. We have financial ties, we own real estate together, we have done and seen a lot together. We are friends, best friends, partners, etc... We are a great team and do a ton of nice things for each other. We sleep next to each other every night, but there is no intimacy except what I do for him. He is not a very sexual person. He says he is not attracted to me in that way, but that he wants to be with me and spend time with me. He is taking a 3 week trip across the country (that I was supposed to go on) with an old friend of his who happens to be a girl (she is married). Supposedly they are just friends now, but I know they have been intimate many times. I am not naive, I know what is happening. There are a couple of other girl friends he talks to/emails on a regular basis. He is narcissistic and needs a fan club. There are so many more details to shed light on this subject, but not enough time to list. Anyway, the long and short of it - many times I have tried to break away, but can't get past 30 days. We are both co-dependent. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and he is aware of that fact. I know our relationship is totally unhealthy for me, and meltdown about it at least once a week. A week ago today, I told him it was killing me. It is literally taking years off my life. I proposed to him that upon return from this trip he go straight to his house and promise to never, ever spend the night with me again. I told him if he cares at all about me he must let me go. I know what must be done, I just don't know how to get through it. I cry more with him than I do when I am without him. I have been in this exact place so many times in the last two years. I really need your help, because this time I need to make it stick - my life depends on it. Deenice

08-11-2007, 04:38 PM	#4
Altruist Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Cloud 9 Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 1,345	Justr stick with him. I don´t think it´s cheating if he sees other women when the two of you are not in a sexual relationship. If you would like a sexual relationship and he doesn´t wan´t that then you have a reason to end the relationship. You could write him a long email explaining how you feel about the whole situation if you can´t tell him face to face. __________________ @}->-- --<-{@

08-11-2007, 04:26 PM	#2
PeanutButter Offline Join Date: Jul 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 1,336	Why do you say it half a million dollar house? 500,000 is basically an average of a house. Anyone could afford that pretty much. Well don't pick up phone calls don't call him. Take him off your phone and all. If you see a call just wait a few seconds and think about it.

08-11-2007, 04:37 PM	#3
deenice Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Florida Gender: Female Posts: 5	I wasn't meaning to be pretentious - it was just easier to type, and that is not the average cost of a house where I live. Anyway, thanks for the reply. It's not that easy not to take his calls when one has to make financial decisions together. We have tried having a go between for us, but it hasn't worked. By the way, it's not just phone calls. We only live six blocks from one another.

08-11-2007, 04:44 PM	#5
Lana0120 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 3,465	You've made a step in the right direction - you just need to follow on from there. Be firm with him, change the locks if necessary, move on with your life as best as you can. That's what I'd suggest anyway.

08-11-2007, 04:46 PM	#6
deenice Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Florida Gender: Female Posts: 5	Yes, I thought about just sticking with it and seeing where it leads, but I'm fairly certain that what we have right now is all we will ever have, and I'm not going through life without a meaningful sexual relationship. I've written letters, sent emails, and it never changes.

08-11-2007, 05:07 PM	#7
PeanutButter Offline Join Date: Jul 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 1,336	HE obviously does not want to be with you. Just try to keep it as friends.

08-12-2007, 03:45 AM	#8
Clabs Online Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Gender: Male Age: 49 Posts: 3,722	Hey Deenice and welcome to ENA. Your situation sounds pretty poor, but the important thing to take from this is that you indentify all the wrong in the relationship - good for you. You need to get a grip of this right now. You tell him to promise to never spend the night with you - that he must let you go. Of course he will not because he knows you will let him back - you are leaving the door open and giving him total power and control over you - uuuggghhh. Honey - I know it scares you, but take control - kick him into touch. For heavans sake - on top of all of this, he is sleeping with other girls. Get shot of this jerk while you still have an ounce of self respect and dignity left. You say you cry a lot less without him - so you like crying? Come on - help us to help you. You need to cut him out completely - sort out the financial ties, get him out of your life and work on your issues. Everything you have said is pretty much HIM HIM HIM - this needs to be about YOU now. Keep posting on here for support - and keep working on you, honey. Mark