Helping someone with Breast Cancer

[FarthestEdge]

What can I do?

My neighbour is fighting Breast cancer, and so far, not so well. I haven't talked to her since I returned from vacation, but I hear she is most likely having a double mastectomy in the next few weeks. She's a lovely, young vibrant beautiful woman, and I know this must be horrible for her and her family...And I don't know what to do to help...

She has lots of support for household chores- cooking, cleaning etc. Her children are adults and with her husband, I think they've got it all covered. Plus, we're not THAT close- if the shoe were on the other foot, I'd be mortified to have her offer to clean my house....So that's not the thing...

I have a friend who used to own a business, specializing in mastectomy undergarment alterations...But again, I have only heard through the grapevine that she is headed down that road- initially, she told me it was a lumpectomy and chemo/radiation...So to go to her with an offer to connect her with my friend at this point, is presumptious and rude- I don't want her thinking her ordeal is fodder for street gossip, so I'd rather hear it from her first..

I've offered for them to come over & use our pool whenever they want, but I don't think she feels comfortable doing that...

Any other suggestions? I really want to do something that can help her or even just brighten her day a bit...But I am at a complete loss. I don't want to overstep my bounds, or invade her privacy at this really trying time....But I also don't want her to think I don't care about what she and her family are going through....

Any advice would be appreciated....

[Batya33]

I would ask her if there are any errands or calls you can make on her behalf and I would also try to be supportive of her caretakers. When I asked this question of a friend going through the same situation, her response surprised me. She asked if I would mind helping her younger brother with the application process to grad school. I did - love doing that kind of work. I also e-mailed her husband (they live far away) about a robe I read about in Oprah that is special for chemo patients to feel comfortable (you might want to check that out) and said I would order one if he liked. He declined but just sharing that as another idea.

You are such a great person to want to help out and especially thoughtful in considering how best to help out!

[RayKay]

The earliest part of diagnosis and treatment is the worst, because it is all still new.

My mother was diagnosed in December 2005 with Stage III (she was 48 at time); not a unusual thing in our family as my grandmothers and great grandmothers have all died of it. She had a total of 12 rounds of chemo, a double mastectomy & lumpectomy (removal of 20 lymph nodes), 6 weeks of radiation and is on tamoxifen, etcetera. She is still on regular physio as well. She was considered "terminal" because of the spread to her nodes, etcetera, but she sure does not act it, and she may be around for 5, 10, 20 years....we just don't know yet.

But, I can say, the early stages of diagnosis and care were the worst as it was all uncertain, and because we all remembered the other women in our family whom died.

She is doing amazing now though, so even if things don't seem they are going well, and things can turn badly, they can also go really well...treatments are amazing these days (much different than a few years ago) and it is still VERY early in her process. My mum is extremely active and vibrant (she still dances 6 nights a week, is on Chemo-Savvy dragon boating team and raced last two weekends, rides her bike to work, rides it for hours on weekend, she runs in the Run for the Cure, her and my stepfather travel regularly (even during her treatments they went to Hawaii and Alaska and are going to Europe soon) . She knows women whom are 20 and 80 whom are going through the same and are just as vibrant and alive.

I am hopeful if I am ever in that situation, even if my life span is shortened, knowing I can still "live well".

Anyway, what helped most for my mum is 1) people respecting her need for space and time 2) little things...like a plate of baked muffins or a fruit tray 3) help driving to chemo treatments 4) a maid to clean now and then.

And most of all, just knowing people cared. A phone call now and then just to see how things were and if she needed anything..even if she didn't, she appreciated the concern.

Oh, and another suggestion is doing a local Run for breast cancer for her in her honour, things like that. I am team captain for Run for the Cure (as my mothers survivor group poached her to be there team captain) for the group in my mothers name and we raise a decent amount every year, but more importantly have lots of fun, and she really appreciates it.