Fighting Loneliness

Slagar · 07-30-2007, 01:21 AM

How does everyone cope with loneliness?

I've been single for a year now. At first, it was alright - I used the strength to endeavor to be a better person. But after such a long time, the loneliness and realisations have really hit me. I really am lucky to have had the relationships and chances that I've had.

It's kind of ironic too; even given the opportunity, there are relatively few girls I would date. I never used to be so damn picky. I think of the girls I've turned down... my reasons still make sense; but still.

Apparently I'm more sensitive than most guys, so I don't know how much it affects other people compared to me.

I look at the possibilities - studying in a male dominated field, and working in an office where I rarely meet new people. I find myself questioning everything, and not giving life my all because it just seems so hopeless.

ut_longhorn · 07-30-2007, 01:32 AM

one thing that i've learned throughout the years is that loneliness and self confidence have a direct correlation. the more confident about yourself, your future, and your past you are, the less loneliness you will experience. though self confidence is a very broad term, im speaking of self ability and assuredness. take a quick look on amazon for some books on self confidence. read up. im sure it can only benefit you.

Coyote9 · 07-30-2007, 01:44 AM

Like you, I'm a pretty sensitive guy I think. I used to be able to push myself to simply keep busy and feel less lonely, but as I've gotten older, that doesn't really work as well. I try to view it not as lonliness, but as solitude, and you are right, as we become more self aware we become much pickier about who we hang around and certainly who we get into relationships with.

It's a real catch 22...on the one hand, we feel lonely a lot because we are spending so much time alone, but on the other hand we can't just go hang around anybody so we in effect choose to be alone much of the time.

Work on developing a postitive attitude toward solitude. This isn't a life sentence somehow, it's a temporary condition for a time while we get more comfortable in our own skin, and then the chance of attracting the right person to share our life greatly increases.

renaissancewoman101 · 07-30-2007, 01:47 AM

I feel lonely a lot and it makes me sad, but then I also don't like to go out and be around people all the time, and although I am a friendly person, I have a hard time making lasting friends. So, I tend to shy away from making lots of friends, but then the friends I DO make, I tend to get clingy to them and that's not good either.

Most times I am alone, but I feel lonely. It's a catch 22 situation for me.

I spend time with my pets to alleviate some of my loneliness.

Slagar · 07-30-2007, 02:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ut_longhorn

one thing that i've learned throughout the years is that loneliness and self confidence have a direct correlation. the more confident about yourself, your future, and your past you are, the less loneliness you will experience. though self confidence is a very broad term, im speaking of self ability and assuredness. take a quick look on amazon for some books on self confidence. read up. im sure it can only benefit you.

That's true longhorn! I just don't feel like forcing myself out of it right now. It's become a nice rut. You might be right in that a good book in this area is just what I need right now - they tend to be great at empowering you and making you feel a lot better. I'll take a look at Borders tomorrow I think

Quote:

Originally Posted by Coyote9

Like you, I'm a pretty sensitive guy I think. I used to be able to push myself to simply keep busy and feel less lonely, but as I've gotten older, that doesn't really work as well. I try to view it not as lonliness, but as solitude, and you are right, as we become more self aware we become much pickier about who we hang around and certainly who we get into relationships with.

It's a real catch 22...on the one hand, we feel lonely a lot because we are spending so much time alone, but on the other hand we can't just go hang around anybody so we in effect choose to be alone much of the time.

Work on developing a postitive attitude toward solitude. This isn't a life sentence somehow, it's a temporary condition for a time while we get more comfortable in our own skin, and then the chance of attracting the right person to share our life greatly increases.

I totally feel like that Coyote. That's sound advice; it's just hard when it's een building for a while. It's true that I haven't done a lot of positive thinking in the last few months. Right when I thought I had it nailed, too

But you're right in that it's not a bad thing, and that's something I must keep in mind.

Quote:

Originally Posted by renaissancewoman101

I feel lonely a lot and it makes me sad, but then I also don't like to go out and be around people all the time, and although I am a friendly person, I have a hard time making lasting friends. So, I tend to shy away from making lots of friends, but then the friends I DO make, I tend to get clingy to them and that's not good either.

Most times I am alone, but I feel lonely. It's a catch 22 situation for me.

I spend time with my pets to alleviate some of my loneliness.

I don't like to be around people all the time either - it's very comforting having your own space. Lately for me, even when I've been around people a lot, I've still felt lonely.
Argh! You make me miss my pets

Boy, the last time I went to my parents house, I just hugged and spend loads of time with my dog.

All great suggestions and advice. Thanks for your time and effort guys - it is much appreciated. Now to get things back on track!

HellFrost666 · 07-30-2007, 07:53 AM

I was single for 9 years... Yes, 9 years is a long time. But in that time I got so much accomplished. And in that time I made a lot of friends. I don't look back and think that chunk of time was wasted at all.

So, my suggestion, find something to devote yourself to.

Leonhart · 07-30-2007, 10:55 AM

I am an extremely sensitive male myself, and have been single for much longer than you have. How do I deal with it?

Hmm... not well. I find crying helps. That's about it.

I spend a lot of my time in daydreams, wishing things were different. I practically live in that part of my soul.

As for hopelessness... I understand that all too well. I often feel that my life is hopeless in this regard, (probably because it is). Believe me, I know very well how you feel. It's a miserable state to be in.

carlogiovanni · 07-31-2007, 11:05 AM

Having not been in a "true" relationship yet (I'm 22) I find that only very occasionally do I feel feel really lonely, the kind of lonely where your stomach aches and grabs your attention away from whatever you're doing / whoever you're with. During these times, I find it helps to try and reinfornce all the positive points of being single, and try not to focus on the "what's wrong with me?" questions that used to pop up over and over agian. I really do try and concentrate on making myself happy and looking out for my friends and family. I will meet somebody when it's right and even though yes, it can be sad, it can be depressing, I need to be happy in myself before I can be happy with somebody else.

Slagar · 07-31-2007, 02:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HellFrost666

So, my suggestion, find something to devote yourself to.

I have a very nice guitar which could use some playing, and I have constant studying and work to do... but yet "devoting" myself to anything seems difficult for me - nothing seems to stick. Well, almost nothing - the only thing that does stick, as I see it, is quite destructive wasteful behaviour (online games).
I guess forcing myself gets to be a chore when this kind of loneliness kicks in, and it impedes upon my progress.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tantalus

I am an extremely sensitive male myself, and have been single for much longer than you have. How do I deal with it?

Hmm... not well. I find crying helps. That's about it.

I spend a lot of my time in daydreams, wishing things were different. I practically live in that part of my soul.

As for hopelessness... I understand that all too well. I often feel that my life is hopeless in this regard, (probably because it is). Believe me, I know very well how you feel. It's a miserable state to be in.

Bullseye! That's right where I'm coming from Tantalus.

Quote:

Originally Posted by carlogiovanni

Having not been in a "true" relationship yet (I'm 22) I find that only very occasionally do I feel feel really lonely, the kind of lonely where your stomach aches and grabs your attention away from whatever you're doing / whoever you're with. During these times, I find it helps to try and reinfornce all the positive points of being single, and try not to focus on the "what's wrong with me?" questions that used to pop up over and over agian. I really do try and concentrate on making myself happy and looking out for my friends and family. I will meet somebody when it's right and even though yes, it can be sad, it can be depressing, I need to be happy in myself before I can be happy with somebody else.

Simple words, yet very good advice.
It's that habit of positive thinking that I've slipped out of in recent times. It gets hard. I guess I just have to force myself and get back into that habit.

Thank you all very much

easyguy · 07-31-2007, 05:14 PM

One who has a strong sense of self-discipline, regardless of social status, attracts the possibility to become free. It sounds condtradictory, but it is true. Thus, letting your mind's thoughts drift towards the negative side of your life gets you nowhere. There is great potential to become a stronger person if you see that there is so much to work with.

I used to bog myself down by the overwhelming thought that I was lonely, but it is this sense of discipline that shifts my attitude to see things differently.

Best of luck (stay strong).

07-30-2007, 01:21 AM	#1
Slagar Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: New Zealand Gender: Male Age: 24 Posts: 296	Fighting Loneliness How does everyone cope with loneliness? I've been single for a year now. At first, it was alright - I used the strength to endeavor to be a better person. But after such a long time, the loneliness and realisations have really hit me. I really am lucky to have had the relationships and chances that I've had. It's kind of ironic too; even given the opportunity, there are relatively few girls I would date. I never used to be so damn picky. I think of the girls I've turned down... my reasons still make sense; but still. Apparently I'm more sensitive than most guys, so I don't know how much it affects other people compared to me. I look at the possibilities - studying in a male dominated field, and working in an office where I rarely meet new people. I find myself questioning everything, and not giving life my all because it just seems so hopeless. __________________ "Let's hold out for somethin' sweeter, Spread your wings and fly" - Ed Kowalczyk, Live [The Distance] "Some people change, others hang on till they can't anymore" - Paul Durham, Black Lab [Gates Of The Country]

07-30-2007, 01:44 AM	#3
Coyote9 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Oregon, USA Gender: Male Posts: 1,291	Like you, I'm a pretty sensitive guy I think. I used to be able to push myself to simply keep busy and feel less lonely, but as I've gotten older, that doesn't really work as well. I try to view it not as lonliness, but as solitude, and you are right, as we become more self aware we become much pickier about who we hang around and certainly who we get into relationships with. It's a real catch 22...on the one hand, we feel lonely a lot because we are spending so much time alone, but on the other hand we can't just go hang around anybody so we in effect choose to be alone much of the time. Work on developing a postitive attitude toward solitude. This isn't a life sentence somehow, it's a temporary condition for a time while we get more comfortable in our own skin, and then the chance of attracting the right person to share our life greatly increases. __________________ "I've given up on having a better past." "Pain in this lifetime is inevitable… it’s the way of the world, but suffering, that’s a choice we make." "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain..."

07-30-2007, 07:53 AM	#6
HellFrost666 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Planet Marclar Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 1,534	I was single for 9 years... Yes, 9 years is a long time. But in that time I got so much accomplished. And in that time I made a lot of friends. I don't look back and think that chunk of time was wasted at all. So, my suggestion, find something to devote yourself to. __________________ I wish that it might come to pass Not fade like all my dreams Just think of what my life might be In a world like I have seen I dont think I can carry on Carry on this cold and empty life Oh...no! My spirits are low in the depths of despair My lifeblood spills over... Don't worry... the middle 6 is still silent.

07-31-2007, 05:14 PM	#10
easyguy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Gender: Male Age: 23 Posts: 1,883	One who has a strong sense of self-discipline, regardless of social status, attracts the possibility to become free. It sounds condtradictory, but it is true. Thus, letting your mind's thoughts drift towards the negative side of your life gets you nowhere. There is great potential to become a stronger person if you see that there is so much to work with. I used to bog myself down by the overwhelming thought that I was lonely, but it is this sense of discipline that shifts my attitude to see things differently. Best of luck (stay strong). __________________ "You can only give away what you already have inside yourself." -Anonymous

07-30-2007, 01:32 AM	#2
ut_longhorn Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 127	one thing that i've learned throughout the years is that loneliness and self confidence have a direct correlation. the more confident about yourself, your future, and your past you are, the less loneliness you will experience. though self confidence is a very broad term, im speaking of self ability and assuredness. take a quick look on amazon for some books on self confidence. read up. im sure it can only benefit you.

07-30-2007, 01:47 AM	#4
renaissancewoman101 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: the land by the sea Gender: Female Age: 36 Posts: 8,565	I feel lonely a lot and it makes me sad, but then I also don't like to go out and be around people all the time, and although I am a friendly person, I have a hard time making lasting friends. So, I tend to shy away from making lots of friends, but then the friends I DO make, I tend to get clingy to them and that's not good either. Most times I am alone, but I feel lonely. It's a catch 22 situation for me. I spend time with my pets to alleviate some of my loneliness.

07-30-2007, 10:55 AM	#7
Leonhart Offline Join Date: Feb 2007 Gender: None Specified Posts: 2,411	I am an extremely sensitive male myself, and have been single for much longer than you have. How do I deal with it? Hmm... not well. I find crying helps. That's about it. I spend a lot of my time in daydreams, wishing things were different. I practically live in that part of my soul. As for hopelessness... I understand that all too well. I often feel that my life is hopeless in this regard, (probably because it is). Believe me, I know very well how you feel. It's a miserable state to be in.

07-31-2007, 11:05 AM	#8
carlogiovanni Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: under your feet Gender: Male Age: 24 Posts: 39	Having not been in a "true" relationship yet (I'm 22) I find that only very occasionally do I feel feel really lonely, the kind of lonely where your stomach aches and grabs your attention away from whatever you're doing / whoever you're with. During these times, I find it helps to try and reinfornce all the positive points of being single, and try not to focus on the "what's wrong with me?" questions that used to pop up over and over agian. I really do try and concentrate on making myself happy and looking out for my friends and family. I will meet somebody when it's right and even though yes, it can be sad, it can be depressing, I need to be happy in myself before I can be happy with somebody else.